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Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Republic, N. A Nation

Ambrose Bierce

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Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

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To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Temporary Insanity

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Harmonists, N. A Sect Of Protestants, Now Extinct, Who Came From Europe In The Beginning Of The Last Century And Were Distinguished For The Bitterness Of Their Internal Controversies And Dissensions.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Plagiarize, V. To Take The Thought Or Style Of Another Writer Whom One Has Never, Never Read.

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Curiosity, N. An Objectionable Quality Of The Female Mind. The Desire To Know Whether Or Not A Woman Is Cursed With Curiosity Is One Of The Most Active And Insatiable Passions Of The Masculine Soul.

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

Reparation, N. Satisfaction That Is Made For A Wrong And Deducted From The Satisfaction Felt In Committing It.

The God Of The World's Leading Religion.

Immoral" Is The Judgment Of The Stalled Ox On The Gamboling Lamb.

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Monsieur Franqulin, Inventor Of Electricity. This Illustrious Savant, After Having Made Several Voyages Around The World, Died On The Sandwich Islands And Was Devoured By Savages, Of Whom Not A Single Fragment Was Ever Recovered.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine. Upon Nothing Has So Great And Diligent Ingenuity Been Brought To Bear In All Ages And In All Countries, Except The Most Uncivilized, As Upon The Invention Of Substitutes For Water. To Hold That This General Aversion To That Liquid Has No Basis In The Preservative Instinct Of The Race Is To Be Unscientific-and Without Science We Are As The Snakes And Toads.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

A Man Who Piously Shuts Himself Up To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Wickedness And To Keep It Fresh In His Mind Joins A Brotherhood Of Awful Examples.

Forgetfulness - A Gift Of God Bestowed Upon Debtors In Compensation For Their Destitution Of Conscience.

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.

Turkey: A Large Bird Whose Flesh, When Eaten On Certain Religious Anniversaries Has The Peculiar Property Of Attesting Piety And Gratitude.

Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Predicament, N. The Wage Of Consistency.

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

I Keep A Conscience Uncorrupted By Religion, A Judgment Undimmed By Politics And Patriotism, A Heart Untainted By Friendships And Sentiments Unsoured By Animosities.

A Wedding Is A Ceremony At Which Two Persons Undertake To Become One, One Undertakes To Become Nothing, And Nothing Undertakes To Become Supportable.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

Nepotism, N. Appointing Your Grandmother To Office For The Good Of The Party.

Accuse, V.t. To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of Ourselves For Having Wronged Him.

Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.

The Bold And Discerning Writer Who, Recognizing The Truth That Language Must Grow By Innovation If It Grow At All, Makes New Words And Uses The Old In An Unfamiliar Sense Has No Following And Is Tartly Reminded That 'it Isn't In The Dictionary' - Although Down To The Time Of The First Lexicographer No Author Ever Had Used A Word That Was In The Dictionary.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Satiety, N. The Feeling That One Has For The Plate After He Has Eaten Its Contents, Madam.

Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Revolution, N. A Bursting Of The Boilers Which Usually Takes Place When The Safety Valve Of Public Discussion Is Closed.

Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Sarcophagus, N. Among The Greeks A Coffin Which Being Made Of A Certain Kind Of Carnivorous Stone, Had The Peculiar Property Of Devouring The Body Placed In It.

Effect, N. The Second Of Two Phenomena Which Always Occur Together In The Same Order. The First, Called A Cause, Is Said To Generate The Other-which Is No More Sensible Than It Would Be For One Who Has Never Seen A Dog Except In Pursuit Of A Rabbit To Declare The Rabbit The Cause Of The Dog.

Indiscretion, N. The Guilt Of Woman.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.

Pocket, N. The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman This Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience, Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Sabbath - A Weekly Festival Having Its Origin In The Fact That God Made The World In Six Days And Was Arrested On The Seventh.

Good, Adj. Sensible, Madam, To The Worth Of This Present Writer. Alive, Sir, To The Advantages Of Letting Him Alone.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Monument, N. A Structure Intended To Commemorate Something Which Either Needs No Commemoration Or Cannot Be Commemorated.

Discussion, N. A Method Of Confirming Others In Their Errors.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Asperse, V.t. Maliciously To Ascribe To Another Vicious Actions Which One Has Not Had The Temptation And Opportunity To Commit.

Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.

Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.

Eccentricity, N. A Method Of Distinction So Cheap That Fools Employ It To Accentuate Their Incapacity.

Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

Prehistoric, Adj. Belonging To An Early Period And A Museum. Antedating The Art And Practice Of Perpetuating Falsehood.

Every Heart Is The Lair Of A Ferocious Animal. The Greatest Wrong That You Can Put Upon A Man Is To Provoke Him To Let Out His Beast.

War: A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace.

Land: A Part Of The Earth's Surface, Considered As Property. The Theory That Land Is Property Subject To Private Ownership And Control Is The Foundation Of Modern Society, And Is Eminently Worthy Of The Superstructure.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Nothing Is More Logical Than Persecution. Religious Tolerance Is A Kind Of Infidelity.

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

I Was Born To Poor Because Of Honest Parents.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

Acknowledge, V.t. To Confess. Acknowledgment Of One Another's Faults Is The Highest Duty Imposed By Our Love Of Truth.

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Bride: A Woman With A Fine Prospect Of Happiness Behind Her.

Empty Wine Bottles Have A Bad Opinion Of Women.

No Country Is So Wild And Difficult But Men Will Make It A Theater Of War.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

Aborigines, N.: Persons Of Little Worth Found Cumbering The Soil Of A Newly Discovered Country. They Soon Cease To Cumber; They Fertilize.

Corporation: An Ingenious Device For Obtaining Profit Without Individual Responsibility.

Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.

Nominate, V. To Designate For The Heaviest Political Assessment. To Put Forward A Suitable Person To Incur The Mudgobbling And Deadcatting Of The Opposition.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

The Clarinet Is A Musical Instrument The Only Thing Worse Than Which Is Two.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

Piano, N. A Parlor Utensil For Subduing The Impenitent Visitor. It Is Operated By Depressing The Keys Of The Machine And The Spirits Of The Audience.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Technicality, N. In An English Court A Man Named Home Was Tried For Slander In Having Accused His Neighbor Of Murder. His Exact Words Were: "sir Thomas Holt Hath Taken A Cleaver And Stricken His Cook Upon The Head, So That One Side Of The Head Fell Upon One Shoulder And The Other Side Upon The Other Shoulder." The Defendant Was Acquitted By Instruction Of The Court, The Learned Judges Holding That The Words Did Not Charge Murder, For They Did Not Affirm The Death Of The Cook, That Being Only An Inference.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Every Patriot Believes His Country Better Than Any Other Country . . . In Its Active Manifestation-it Is Fond Of Killing-patriotism Would Be Well Enough If It Were Simply Defensive, But It Is Also Aggressive . . . Patriotism Deliberately And With Folly Aforethought Subordinates The Interests Of A Whole To The Interests Of A Part . . . Patriotism Is Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave And Blind As A Stone.

Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral. If Mans Notions Of Right And Wrong Have Any Other Basis Than This Of Expediency; If They Originated, Or Could Have Originated, In Any Other Way; If Actions Have In Themselves A Moral Character Apart From And Nowise Dependent On, Their Consequences-then All Philosophy Is A Lie And Reason A Disorder Of The Mind.

Commendation N. The Tribute That We Pay To Achievements That Resembles But Do Not Equal Our Own.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

New York Is Too Strenuous For Me; It Gets On My Nerves.

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Death Is Not The End. There Remains The Litigation Over The Estate.

Erudition - Dust Shaken Out Of A Book Into An Empty Skull.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Quorum, N. A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The U.s. Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

History Is An Account, Mostly False, Of Events, Mostly Unimportant, Which Are Brought About By Rulers, Mostly Knaves, And Soldiers, Mostly Fools.

A Bad Marriage Is Like An Electrical Thrilling Machine: It Makes You Dance, But You Can't Let Go.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

Peripatetic, Adj. Walking About. Relating To The Philosophy Of Aristotle, Who, While Expounding It, Moved From Place To Place In Order To Avoid His Pupil's Objections. A Needless Precaution - They Knew No More Of The Matter Than He.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Pillory, N. A Mechanical Device For Inflicting Personal Distinction - Prototype Of The Modern Newspaper Conducted By Persons Of Austere Virtues And Blameless Lives.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

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M. Night Shyamalan

William E. Simon

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