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Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Ostrich, N. A Large

Ambrose Bierce

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Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

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A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed Resemblance To Man. The Pig Is Taught By Sermons And Epistles / To Think The God Of Swine Has Snout And Bristles.

Improvidence, N. Provision For The Needs Of To-day From The Revenues Of To-morrow.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Absence Blots People Out. We Really Have No Absent Friends.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

Hash, X. There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is. Famous, Adj. Conspicuously Miserable. Dictionary, N. A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic. This Dictionary, However, Is A Most Useful Work.

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Appeal. In Law, To Put The Dice Into The Box For Another Throw.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

Adolescence: A Stage Between Infancy And Adultery.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.

You Are Not Permitted To Kill A Woman Who Has Wronged You, But Nothing Forbids You To Reflect That She Is Growing Older Every Minute.

An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Sacerdotalist, N. One Who Holds The Belief That A Clergyman Is A Priest. Denial Of This Momentous Doctrine Is The Hardest Challenge That Is Now Flung Into The Teeth Of The Episcopalian Church By The Neo-dictionarians.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

The Senate Is A Body Of Old Men Charged With High Duties And Misdemeanors.

Eccentricity, N. A Method Of Distinction So Cheap That Fools Employ It To Accentuate Their Incapacity.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain. Its Chief Activity Consists In The Endeavour To Ascertain Its Own Nature, The Futility Of The Attempt Being Due To The Fact That It Has Nothing But Itself To Know Itself With.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Satiety, N. The Feeling That One Has For The Plate After He Has Eaten Its Contents, Madam.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be.

Mythology, N. The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.

An Auctioneer Is A Man Who Proclaims With A Hammer That He Has Picked A Pocket With His Tongue.

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

War: A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace.

Age - That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That Remain By Reviling Those We Have No Longer The Vigor To Commit.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

Piano, N. A Parlor Utensil For Subduing The Impenitent Visitor. It Is Operated By Depressing The Keys Of The Machine And The Spirits Of The Audience.

Backbite: To ''speak Of A Man As You Find Him'' When He Can't Find You.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Magnetism, N. Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definitions Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated The Subject With A Great White Light, To The Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.

Mayonnaise: One Of The Sauces Which Serve The French In Place Of A State Religion.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Fashion, N. A Despot Whom The Wise Ridicule And Obey.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

Pocket, N. The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman This Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience, Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.

One Engaged In A Commercial Pursuit. A Commercial Pursuit Is One In Which The Thing Pursued Is A Dollar.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Pie, N. An Advance Agent Of The Reaper Whose Name Is Indigestion.

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.

Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Reading, N. The General Body Of What One Reads. In Our Country It Consists, As A Rule, Of Indiana Novels, Short Stories In "dialect" And Humor In Slang.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Babe Or Baby, N. A Misshapen Creature Of No Particular Age, Sex, Or Condition, Chiefly Remarkable For The Violence Of The Sympathies And Antipathies It Excites In Others, Itself Without Sentiment Or Emotion.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used In Giving Stability To Light Lovers - Particularly To Those Who Love Not Wisely But Other Men's Wives.

Patience, N. A Minor Form Of Dispair, Disguised As A Virtue.

Commerce, N. A Kind Of Transaction In Which A Plunders From B The Goods Of C, And For Compensation B Picks The Pocket Of D Of Money Belonging To E.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

Male, A Member Of The Unconsidered Or Negligible Gender. The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known To The Female As Mere Man. The Genus Has Two Varieties: Good Providers And Bad Providers.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Diplomacy, N.: The Patriotic Art Of Lying For One's Country.

Eucharist, N. A Sacred Feast Of The Religious Sect Of Theophagi. A Dispute Once Unhappily Arose Among The Members Of This Sect As To What It Was That They Ate. In This Controversy Some Five Hundred Thousand Have Already Been Slain, And The Question Is Still Unsettled.

Sabbath - A Weekly Festival Having Its Origin In The Fact That God Made The World In Six Days And Was Arrested On The Seventh.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Trial. A Formal Inquiry Designed To Prove And Put Upon Record The Blameless Characters Of Judges, Advocates And Jurors.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

Photograph, N. A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art. It Is A Little Better Than The Work Of An Apache, But Not Quite So Good As That Of A Cheyenne.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Indifferent, Adj. Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.

Intention, N. The Mind's Sense Of The Prevalence Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set; An Effect Whose Cause Is The Imminence, Immediate Or Remote, Of The Performance Of An Involuntary Act.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Physician, N. One Upon Whom We Set Our Hopes When Ill And Our Dogs When Well.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Quixotic, Adj. Absurdly Chivalric, Like Don Quixote. An Insight Into The Beauty And Excellence Of This Incomparable Adjective Is Unhappily Denied To Him Who Has The Misfortune To Know That The Gentleman's Name Is Pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

Learning -the Kind Of Ignorance Affected By (and Affecting) Civilized Races, As Distinguished From Ignorance, The Sort Of Learning Incurred By Savages. See Nonsense.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Epigram, N. A Short, Sharp Saying In Prose Or Verse, Frequently Characterize By Acidity Or Acerbity And Sometimes By Wisdom.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.

Every Heart Is The Lair Of A Ferocious Animal. The Greatest Wrong That You Can Put Upon A Man Is To Provoke Him To Let Out His Beast.

Nominee. A Modest Gentleman Shrinking From The Distinction Of Private Life And Diligently Seeking The Honorable Obscurity Of Public Office.

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

Advice: The Suggestions You Give Someone Else Which You Hope Will Work For Your Benefit.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Radium, N. A Mineral That Gives Off Heat And Stimulates The Organ That A Scientist Is A Fool With.

Injustice, N. A Burden Which Of All Those That We Load Upon Others And Carry Ourselves Is Lightest In The Hands And Heaviest Upon The Back.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Molecule, N.: The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter. It Is Distinguished From The Corpuscle, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter, By A Closer Resemblance To The Atom, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter ... The Ion Differs From The Molecule, The Corpuscle And The Atom In That It Is An Ion.

Quill: An Instrument Of Torture Yielded By A Goose And Commonly Weilded By As Ass.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Admiral. That Part Of A Warship Which Does The Talking While The Figurehead Does The Thinking.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.

Characteristics

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.

A Comely Female Inhabiting The Mohammedan Paradise To Make Things Cheery For The Good Mussulman, Whose Belief In Her Existence Marks A Noble Discontent With His Earthly Spouse, Whom He Denies A Soul.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Nobleman, N. Nature's Provision For Wealthy American Minds Ambitious To Incur Social Distinction And Suffer High Life.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Elegy, N. A Composition In Verse, In Which, Without Employing Any Of The Methods Of Humor, The Writer Aims To Produce In The Reader's Mind The Dampest Kind Of Dejection.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

Adolescence: The Stage Between Puberty And Adultery.

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