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Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

-Ambrose Bierce

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Theology Is A Thing

Ambrose Bierce

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Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

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Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

Monosyllabic, Adj. Composed Of Words Of One Syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - That Is To Say, Words Of A Barbarous People Destitute Of Ideas And Incapable Of Any But The Most Elementary Sentiments And Emotions.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think We Think.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Intention, N. The Mind's Sense Of The Prevalence Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set; An Effect Whose Cause Is The Imminence, Immediate Or Remote, Of The Performance Of An Involuntary Act.

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.

Liar, N. One Who Tells An Unpleasant Truth.

Deliberation, N.: The Act Of Examining One's Bread To Determine Which Side It Is Buttered On.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Truth Is So Good A Thing That Falsehood Can Not Afford To Be Without It.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Nepotism, N. Appointing Your Grandmother To Office For The Good Of The Party.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

A Comely Female Inhabiting The Mohammedan Paradise To Make Things Cheery For The Good Mussulman, Whose Belief In Her Existence Marks A Noble Discontent With His Earthly Spouse, Whom He Denies A Soul.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

There's No Free Will," Says The Philosopher; "to Hang Is Most Unjust." "there Is No Free Will," Assents The Officer; "we Hang Because We Must.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

You Cannot Adopt Politics As A Profession And Remain Honest.

Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

An Accident Is An Inevitable Occurrence Due To The Actions Of Immutable Natural Laws.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

A Wedding Is A Ceremony At Which Two Persons Undertake To Become One, One Undertakes To Become Nothing, And Nothing Undertakes To Become Supportable.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Admiral. That Part Of A Warship Which Does The Talking While The Figurehead Does The Thinking.

Zeus /n./ The Chief Of Grecian Gods, Adored By The Romans As Jupiter And By The Modern Americans As God, Gold, Mob And Dog.

Take, V.t. To Acquire, Frequently By Force But Preferably By Stealth.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Architect. One Who Drafts A Plan Of Your House, And Plans A Draft Of Your Money.

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Photograph, N. A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art. It Is A Little Better Than The Work Of An Apache, But Not Quite So Good As That Of A Cheyenne.

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Organizes.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

The Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Tedium, N. Ennui, The State Or Condition Of One That Is Bored. Many Fanciful Derivations Of The Word Have Been Affirmed, But So High An Authority As Father Jape Says That It Comes From A Very Obvious Source --the First Words Of The Ancient Latin Hymn _te Deum Laudamus_. In This Apparently Natural Derivation There Is Something That Saddens.

A Single Swallow, It Is Said, Devours Ten Millions Of Insects Every Year. The Supplying Of These Insects I Take To Be A Signal Instance Of The Creator's Bounty In Providing For The Lives Of His Creatures.

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

Hail, High Excess Especially In Wine, To Thee In Worship Do I Bend The Knee Who Preach Abstemiousness Unto Me My Skull Thy Pulpit, As My Paunch Thy Shrine. Precept On Precept, Aye, And Line On Line, Could Ne'er Persuade So Sweetly To Agree With Reason As Thy Touch, Exact And Free, Upon My Forehead And Along My Spine. At Thy Command Eschewing Pleasure's Cup, With The Hot Grape I Warm No More My Wit; When On Thy Stool Of Penitence I Sit I'm Quite Converted, For I Can't Get Up. Ungrateful He Who Afterward Would Falter To Make New Sacrifices At Thine Altar!

Rear, N. In American Military Matters, That Exposed Part Of The Army That Is Nearest To Congress.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Prospect, N. An Outlook, Usually Forbidding. An Expectation, Usually Forbidden.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.

Freebooter, N. A Conqueror In A Small Way Of Business, Whose Annexations Lack Of The Sanctifying Merit Of Magnitude.

Degradation, N. One Of The Stages Of Moral And Social Progress From Private Station To Political Preferment.

Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Liberty: One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

The Partisan Strife In Which The People Of The Country Are Permitted To Periodically Engage Does Not Tend To The Development Of Ugly Traits Of Character, But Merely Discloses Those That Preexist.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

The Liberality Of One Who Has Much, In Permitting One Who Has Nothing To Get All That He Can.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

War Is God's Way Of Teaching Americans Geography.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

Gnu, N. An Animal Of South Africa, Which In Its Domesticated State Resembles A Horse, A Buffalo And A Stag. In Its Wild Condition It Is Something Like A Thunderbolt, An Earthquake And A Cyclone.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Impale, V.t. In Popular Usage, To Pierce With Any Weapon Which Remains Fixed In The Wound . . . . Properly, To Put To Death By Thrusting An Upright Sharp Stake Into The Body, The Victim Being Left In A Sitting Position.

Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.

Epitaph: An Inscription On A Tomb Showing That Virtues Acquired By Death Have A Retroactive Effect.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

A Chop Is A Piece Of Leather Skillfully Attached To A Bone And Administered To The Patients At Restaurants.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

Theosophy, N. An Ancient Faith Having All The Certitude Of Religion And All The Mystery Of Science.

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Oratory, N. A Conspiracy Between Speech And Action To Cheat The Understanding. A Tyranny Tempered By Stenography.

Youth Looks Forward, For Nothing Is Behind! Age Backward, For Nothing Is Before.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Plenipotentiary, Adj. Having Full Power. A Minister Plenipotentiary Is A Diplomatist Possessing Absolute Authority On Condition That He Never Exert It.

Mace, N. A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In Dissuading From Dissent.

Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Nonsense, N. The Objections That Are Urged Against This Excellent Dictionary.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Plague, N. In Ancient Times A General Punishment Of The Innocent For Admonition Of Their Ruler, As In The Familiar Instance Of Pharaoh The Immune. The Plague Today . . . Is Merely Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Boundary, N. In Political Geography, An Imaginary Line Between Two Nations, Separating The Imaginary Rights Of One From The Imaginary Rights Of Another.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Replica, N. A Reproduction Of A Work Of Art, By The Artist That Made The Original. It Is So Called To Distinguish It From A "copy," Which Is Made By Another Artist. When The Two Are Mae With Equal Skill The Replica Is The More Valuable, For It Is Suppose

Discriminate, V.i. To Note The Particulars In Which One Person Or Thing Is, If Possible, More Objectionable Than Another.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

Piracy, N. Commerce Without Its Folly-swaddles, Just As God Made It.

Hatred, N. A Sentiment Appropriate To The Occasion Of Another's Superiority.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Rostrum, N. In Latin, The Beak Of A Bird Or The Prow Of A Ship. In America, A Place From Which A Candidate For Office Energetically Expounds The Wisdom, Virtue And Power Of The Rabble.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Apothecary, N. The Physician's Accomplice, Undertaker's Benefactor And Grave Worm's Provider

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Satiety, N. The Feeling That One Has For The Plate After He Has Eaten Its Contents, Madam.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Predicament, N. The Wage Of Consistency.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

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