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Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Damning, With Bell, Book

Ambrose Bierce

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Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

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Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

I Keep A Conscience Uncorrupted By Religion, A Judgment Undimmed By Politics And Patriotism, A Heart Untainted By Friendships And Sentiments Unsoured By Animosities.

Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

April Fool, N. The March Fool With Another Month Added To His Folly.

Theosophy, N. An Ancient Faith Having All The Certitude Of Religion And All The Mystery Of Science.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Unitarian, N. One Who Denies The Divinity Of A Trinitarian.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

New York Is Too Strenuous For Me; It Gets On My Nerves.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Self-restraint Is Indulgence Of The Propensity To Forgo.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

Acquaintance. A Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To.

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.

Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Nobleman, N. Nature's Provision For Wealthy American Minds Ambitious To Incur Social Distinction And Suffer High Life.

Politics: A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.

Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Monument, N. A Structure Intended To Commemorate Something Which Either Needs No Commemoration Or Cannot Be Commemorated.

When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

The Covers Of This Book Are Too Far Apart.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

Insurance - An Ingenious Modern Game Of Chance In Which The Player Is Permitted To Enjoy The Comfortable Conviction That He Is Beating The Man Who Keeps The Table.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Pleonasm, N. An Army Of Words Escorting A Corporal Of Thought.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

Trial. A Formal Inquiry Designed To Prove And Put Upon Record The Blameless Characters Of Judges, Advocates And Jurors.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

Evangelist, N. A Bearer Of Good Tidings, Particularly (in A Religious Sense) Such As Assure Us Of Our Own Salvation And The Damnation Of Our Neighbors.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Platitude, N. The Fundamental Element And Special Glory Of Popular Literature. A Thought That Snores In Words That Smoke. All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth. A Jelly-fish Withering On The Shore Of The Sea Of Thought. A Desiccated Epigram.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Happiness Has Not To All The Same Name: To Youth She Is Known As The Future; Age Knows Her As The Dream.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Patriotism Is As Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave, Blind As A Stone, And Irrational As A Headless Hen.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.

Learning -the Kind Of Ignorance Affected By (and Affecting) Civilized Races, As Distinguished From Ignorance, The Sort Of Learning Incurred By Savages. See Nonsense.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine. Upon Nothing Has So Great And Diligent Ingenuity Been Brought To Bear In All Ages And In All Countries, Except The Most Uncivilized, As Upon The Invention Of Substitutes For Water. To Hold That This General Aversion To That Liquid Has No Basis In The Preservative Instinct Of The Race Is To Be Unscientific-and Without Science We Are As The Snakes And Toads.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Liberty: One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Eucharist, N. A Sacred Feast Of The Religious Sect Of Theophagi. A Dispute Once Unhappily Arose Among The Members Of This Sect As To What It Was That They Ate. In This Controversy Some Five Hundred Thousand Have Already Been Slain, And The Question Is Still Unsettled.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Rostrum, N. In Latin, The Beak Of A Bird Or The Prow Of A Ship. In America, A Place From Which A Candidate For Office Energetically Expounds The Wisdom, Virtue And Power Of The Rabble.

Cribbage, N. A Substitute For Conversation Among Those To Whom Nature Has Denied Ideas.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition. 'i Was In The Drawing-room, Enjoying My Dinner,' Said Brillat-savarin, Beginning An Anecdote. 'what!' Interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating Dinner In A Drawing-room?' 'i Must Beg You To Observe, Monsieur,' Explained The Great Gastronome, 'that I Did Not Say I Was Eating My Dinner, But Enjoying It. I Had Dined An Hour Before.'

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Prospect, N. An Outlook, Usually Forbidding. An Expectation, Usually Forbidden.

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Diagnosis, N. A Physician's Forecast Of Disease By The Patient's Pulse And Purse.

Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Intimacy, N. A Relation Into Which Fools Are Providentially Drawn For Their Mutual Destruction.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Consul - In American Politics, A Person Who Having Failed To Secure An Office From The People Is Given One By The Administration On Condition That He Leave The Country.

K, N. A Consonant; Originally Precisely That Of Our H, But Altered To Its Present Shape To Commemorate The Destruction Of [one Of Two Lofty Columns In] The Great Temple Of Jarute.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

Arsenic, N. A Kind Of Cosmetic Greatly Affected By The Ladies, Whom It Greatly Affects In Turn.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

Cat: A Soft Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.

Babe Or Baby, N. A Misshapen Creature Of No Particular Age, Sex, Or Condition, Chiefly Remarkable For The Violence Of The Sympathies And Antipathies It Excites In Others, Itself Without Sentiment Or Emotion.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Molecule, N.: The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter. It Is Distinguished From The Corpuscle, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter, By A Closer Resemblance To The Atom, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter ... The Ion Differs From The Molecule, The Corpuscle And The Atom In That It Is An Ion.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Lickspittle, N. A Useful Functionary, Not Infrequently Found Editing A Newspaper . . . The Lickspittle Is Only The Blackmailer Under Another Aspect, Although The Latter Is Frequently Found As An Independent Species.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Abstainer: A Weak Person Who Yields To The Temptation Of Denying Himself A Pleasure.

Tedium, N. Ennui, The State Or Condition Of One That Is Bored. Many Fanciful Derivations Of The Word Have Been Affirmed, But So High An Authority As Father Jape Says That It Comes From A Very Obvious Source --the First Words Of The Ancient Latin Hymn _te Deum Laudamus_. In This Apparently Natural Derivation There Is Something That Saddens.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

Amnesty, N. The State's Magnanimity To Those Offenders Whom It Would Be Too Expensive To Punish.

A Total Abstainer Is One Who Abstains From Everything But Abstention, And Especially From Inactivity In The Affairs Of Others.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Male, A Member Of The Unconsidered Or Negligible Gender. The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known To The Female As Mere Man. The Genus Has Two Varieties: Good Providers And Bad Providers.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Proof, N. Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of Unlikelihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses As Opposed To That Of Only One.

Philanthropist, N.: A Rich (and Usually Bald) Old Gentleman Who Has Trained Himself To Grin While His Conscience Is Picking His Pocket.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Hydra, N. A Kind Of Animal That The Ancients Catalogued Under Many Heads.

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Indiscretion, N. The Guilt Of Woman.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .

Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.

A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

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