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Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.
-Ambrose Bierce
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Beg, V. To Ask

Ambrose Bierce
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Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Understanding the Quote: "beg, v. to ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the..."

This quote by Ambrose Bierce reflects deeply on the theme of belief. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Belief, Given, Asks, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Ambrose Bierce interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce is celebrated for insightful thoughts on belief and given. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

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Belief
Given
Asks
More From Ambrose Bierce
Review, V.t. To Set Your Wisdom (holding Not A Doubt Of It./ Although In Truth There's Neither Bone Nor Skin To It)/ At Work Upon A Book, And So Read Out Of It/ The Qualities That You Have First Read Into It.
Wisdom
Truth
Book
Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.
Divine Right
Bombs
Investing
Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.
Love
Temporary Insanity
Patient
Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.
Eggs
Giving
Sacred
Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.
Greed
Tariffs
Scales
Insurance - An Ingenious Modern Game Of Chance In Which The Player Is Permitted To Enjoy The Comfortable Conviction That He Is Beating The Man Who Keeps The Table.
Player
Men
Gambling
Boundary, N. In Political Geography, An Imaginary Line Between Two Nations, Separating The Imaginary Rights Of One From The Imaginary Rights Of Another.
Rights
Two Nations
History
No Country Is So Wild And Difficult But Men Will Make It A Theater Of War.
Country
War
Men
Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted. By Most Writers The Invention Of Gunpowder Is Ascribed To The Chinese, But Not Upon Very Convincing Evidence. Milton Says It Was Invented By The Devil To Dispel Angels With, And This Opinion Seems To Derive Some Support From The Scarcity Of Angels.
Angel
Science
Agency
Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.
Failure
Inspired
Failing
Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.
Heart
Cat
Israel
Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.
Men
Feelings
Enemy
Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.
Independent
Animal
Tails
Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.
Growth
Devil
Vices
Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.
Science
Men
Thieves
Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.
Spring
Believe
Science
Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.
Peace
Government
Hands
Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.
Food
Pigs
Cooking
Me, Pro. The Objectionable Case Of I. The Personal Pronoun In English Has Three Cases, The Dominative, The Objectionable And The Oppressive. Each Is All Three.
Ego
Three
Pronouns
Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.
Determination
Obstinate
Courses
Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.
Desire
Denial
Lasts
Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.
Thinking
Philosopher
Made
An Election Is Nothing More Than The Advanced Auction Of Stolen Goods.
Deception
Auctions
Election
In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.
Joy
Atheism
Doctrine
Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.
Differences
World
Geographers
Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.
Wine
Men
Next
Edible, Adj.: Good To Eat, And Wholesome To Digest, As A Worm To A Toad, A Toad To A Snake, A Snake To A Pig, A Pig To A Man, And A Man To A Worm.
Food
Science
Men
Art, N. This Word Has No Definition. Its Origin Is Related By The Ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape As "one Day A Wag - What Would The Wretch Be At? Shifted A Letter Of The Cipher Rat, And Said It Was A God's Name! . . ."
Art
Father
Names
Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.
Justice
Rewards
Citizens
Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.
Change
Strong
Taken
Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.
Science
Pockets
Phrenology
Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.
Important
Existence
Distinguished
Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.
Kings
Utterance
Amusement
Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.
Distance
Rich
Poor
Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.
Hateful
Pleasure
Form
Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.
Religion
Atheism
World
Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.
Perfection
Excellence
Quality
Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed Resemblance To Man. The Pig Is Taught By Sermons And Epistles / To Think The God Of Swine Has Snout And Bristles.
Men
Thinking
Pigs
Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.
Thinking
Brain
Mind
Ribaldry, N. Censorious Language By Another Concerning Oneself.
Language
Oneself
Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.
Disappointment
Years
Three
Commerce, N. A Kind Of Transaction In Which A Plunders From B The Goods Of C, And For Compensation B Picks The Pocket Of D Of Money Belonging To E.
Money
Pockets
Kind
Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.
Funny
Country
Lying
Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.
Mean
Generosity
Noble
Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.
Success
Congratulations
Envy
Impale, V.t. In Popular Usage, To Pierce With Any Weapon Which Remains Fixed In The Wound . . . . Properly, To Put To Death By Thrusting An Upright Sharp Stake Into The Body, The Victim Being Left In A Sitting Position.
Death
Sitting
Body
Empty Wine Bottles Have A Bad Opinion Of Women.
Food
Wine
Bottles
Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.
Love
Women
Men
Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.
Leadership
New York
Cities
The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.
Fear
Inward
Spirituality
Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.
Punishment
Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.
Greatness
Editors
Sycophants
An Appellate Court Which Reverses The Judgment Of A Popular Author's Contemporaries, The Appellant Being His Obscure Competitor.
Judgment
Popularity
Obscure
Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter
Reflection
Views
Yesterday
Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.
Wisdom
Political
Crowds
Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.
Time
Lying
Childhood
Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.
War
Self Esteem
Swim
Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.
World
You Like It
Enough
A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something
Wish
Relief
World
Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.
Kings
Grease
Slippery
When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.
Adversity
Evil
Fool
Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.
Love
Appreciation
Rewards And Recognition
Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.
Men
World
Tribes
Miss, N. A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense. Two Are Corruptions Of Mistress, The Other Of Master. In The General Abolition Of Social Titles In This Our Country They Miraculously Escaped To Plague Us. If We Must Have Them Let Us Be Consistent And Give One To The Unmarried Man. I Venture To Suggest Mush, Abbreviated To Mh.
Country
Men
Two
Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.
Life
Noise
Toys
Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.
Pigs
Law
Machines
Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.
Philosophy
Fall
Science
Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.
Ties
Debtors
Owing A Debt
Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine. Upon Nothing Has So Great And Diligent Ingenuity Been Brought To Bear In All Ages And In All Countries, Except The Most Uncivilized, As Upon The Invention Of Substitutes For Water. To Hold That This General Aversion To That Liquid Has No Basis In The Preservative Instinct Of The Race Is To Be Unscientific-and Without Science We Are As The Snakes And Toads.
Country
Drinking
Science
Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.
Clever
Philistines
Remarks
Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.
Determination
Heart
Eye
Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.
Patience
Revenge
Planning
Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.
Independent
Men
Average
Hope Is Desire And Expectation Rolled Into One.
Hope
Expectations
Hopeful
Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .
Character
Wrath
Quality
Convent - A Place Of Retirement For Women Who Wish For Leisure To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Idleness.
Retirement
Women
Judging
You Don't Have To Be Stupid To Be A Christian, ... But It Probably Helps.
Christian
Stupid
Helping
Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.
Jealous
Reality
Losing
The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.
Men
Self
Favors
Selfish, Adj. Devoid Of Consideration For The Selfishness Of Others.
Selfish
Selfishness
Consideration
Predicament, N. The Wage Of Consistency.
Consistency
Habit
Predicaments
Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.
Family
Men
Care
Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".
Best Love
Kissing
Bliss
Prospect, N. An Outlook, Usually Forbidding. An Expectation, Usually Forbidden.
Expectations
Outlook
Forbidden
Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.
Scotland
America
Kilts
Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.
Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.
Promise
Literature
Sides
Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.
Influence
The Wife, Or Bitter Half.
Wife
Half
Bitter
Monument, N. A Structure Intended To Commemorate Something Which Either Needs No Commemoration Or Cannot Be Commemorated.
Needs
Structure
Commemoration
Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.
Time
Twenties
Four
Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.
Dream
Philosophy
Reality
Satiety, N. The Feeling That One Has For The Plate After He Has Eaten Its Contents, Madam.
Food
Cooking
Feelings
Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.
Repose
Cease
Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.
Fear
Dwelling
Savages
A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.
Character
Italian
Play
Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.
Beauty
Kindness
Preparation
Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.
Fighting
Evil
Doctrine
Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.
Kissing
Understanding
Lexicographer
Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.
Country
Stupid
Power
Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.
Money
Latin
Character
Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.
Solitude
Bad Company
Company
Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.
Men
Mind
Style
Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.
Believe
Preparation
Secret
Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.
Death
Kindness
Amusement
Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.
Hope
Military
Gentleman
What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.
Funny
Country
Humorous
Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.
Practice
Long
Simplicity
The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.
Peace
Powerful
War
Self-restraint Is Indulgence Of The Propensity To Forgo.
Self
Restraint
Indulgence
Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.
Life
Nature
Horse
Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.
Country
Thinking
Persons
When You Doubt, Abstain.
Doubt
Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.
Mistake
Eels
Agitation
Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.
Fear
Worship
Folly
Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.
Wine
Definitions
Connoisseur
Satire, N. An Obsolete Kind Of Literary Composition In Which The Vices And Follies Of The Author's Enemies Were Expounded With Imperfect Tenderness.
Kindness
Imperfection
Enemy
Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.
Absence
Absent
Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".
Nature
Bird
Heaven
Idiot, N. A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.
Powerful
Hatred
Tribes
Effect, N. The Second Of Two Phenomena Which Always Occur Together In The Same Order. The First, Called A Cause, Is Said To Generate The Other-which Is No More Sensible Than It Would Be For One Who Has Never Seen A Dog Except In Pursuit Of A Rabbit To Declare The Rabbit The Cause Of The Dog.
Dog
Science
Order
Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .
Life
Death
Power
When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.
Beautiful
Women
Devil
In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.
Forgiving
Indifference
Injury
Ambidextrous, Adj.: Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-hand Pocket Or A Left.
Hands
Skills
Pockets
Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.
Beautiful
Fall
Adversity
Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.
Adore
While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.
Sarcastic
Hands
Watches
What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.
Country
War
Patriotism
Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.
Republic
Obedience
Authority
Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.
Wife
Affection
Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.
Funny
Anniversary
Romantic
Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.
Nature
Science
Admonition
Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.
Death
Religious
Dying
Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.
Inspirational
Cute
Sad
Portuguese, N.pl. A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal. They Are Mostly Without Feathers And Imperfectly Edible, Even When Stuffed With Garlic.
Food
Cooking
Portugal
Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.
Nature
Support
Important
I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.
Math
Thinking
Logic
Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.
Hands
Pockets
Arms
To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.
Positive
Voice
Certainty
Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London
Rags
Troops
Purpose
Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference
Military
Silence
Form
God Alone Knows The Future, But Only An Historian Can Alter The Past.
Past
History
Historian
Pleonasm, N. An Army Of Words Escorting A Corporal Of Thought.
Army
Escorting
Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.
Needs
Cows
Whiskey
Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.
Law
Criminals
Dignity
There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.
Humorous
Profound
Insane
Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697
Wine
Yield
Mad
Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.
Spiritual
Science
Needs
Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.
Sarcastic
Passion
Men
A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.
Writing
Thinking
People
Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.
Gratitude
Lying
Benefits
Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.
Water
Imagination
Novelists
Hatred, N. A Sentiment Appropriate To The Occasion Of Another's Superiority.
Hatred
Sentiments
Occasions
Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.
Prejudice
Reason
Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.
Heart
Science
Emotional
An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.
Long
Doe
Assassins
Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.
Drinking
Medicine
Water
Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.
Funny
Sloth
Degrees
Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.
Gauges
Income
Natural
Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.
Names
Patriotism
Ambitious
Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.
Humility
Virtue
Certain
Immoral" Is The Judgment Of The Stalled Ox On The Gamboling Lamb.
Lambs
Morality
Judgment
Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.
Tyrants
Weakness
Energy
Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.
Failure
Destiny
Tyrants
Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.
Soul
World
Affliction
Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.
Evil
Bereavement
Shows
Backbite: To ''speak Of A Man As You Find Him'' When He Can't Find You.
Men
Speak
Slander
Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.
Physicians
Literature
Patient
Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.
Sarcastic
Animal
Purpose
Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.
Science
Disorder
Bowels
Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.
Coward
Human Nature
Virtue
Pessimism- Philosophy Forced Upon The Convictions Of The Observer By The Disheartening Prevalence Of The Optimist With His Scarecrow Hope And His Unsightly Smile.
Hope
Philosophy
Pessimism
Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.
Aging
Fear Of Death
Uncommon
Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.
Envy
Malice
Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.
Opportunity
Vanishing
Wealth
Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.
Life
Temptation
Add
Magnitude, N. Size [that Is] Purely Relative. If Everything In The Universe Were Increased 1,000 Diameters Nothing Would Be Any Larger Than It Was Before, But If One Thing Remain Unchanged All The Others Would Be Larger Than They Had Been.
Would Be
Size
Magnitude
Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.
Running
Party
Government
General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.
Funny
Military
Enemy
Acquaintance: "a Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To. A Degree Of Friendship Called Slight When Its Object Is Poor Or Obscure, And Intimate When He Is Rich Or Famous.
Degrees
Rich
Obscure
Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used ... As A Counterpoise To An Argument Of Such Weight That It Turns The Scale Of Debate The Wrong Way. An Interesting Fact In The Chemistry Of International Controversy Is That At The Point Of Contact Of Two Patriotisms Lead Is Precipitated In Great Quantities.
Science
Blue
Two
X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.
Long
Letters
Lasts
Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.
Knights
Feet
Soldier
Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.
Radicalism
Affair
Morrow
Logic: The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding.
Funny
Sarcastic
Art
Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.
Sarcastic
Beach
Nature
They Say That Hens Do Cackle Loudest When There Is Nothing Vital In The Eggs They Have Laid.
Vanity
Eggs
Hens
Revolution, N. A Bursting Of The Boilers Which Usually Takes Place When The Safety Valve Of Public Discussion Is Closed.
Safety
Revolution
Censorship
A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.
Men
He Man
Incompetence
The God Of The World's Leading Religion.
Atheism
World
Consumerism
Adherent, N. A Follower Who Has Not Yet Obtained All That He Expects To Get.
Leadership
Followers
Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.
Inspirational
Commodity
Neighbor
True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.
Men
Doe
True Man
Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.
Evil
Bears
Fortitude
Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.
Time
Future
Men
When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.
Forgiving
Enemy
Haste
Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.
Dumb
Truthful
Illiterate
We Hold These Truths To Be Self-evident: That All Men Are Created Equal; That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Inalienable Rights; That Among These Are Life, And The Right To Make That Of Another Miserable By Thrusting Upon Him An Incalculable Quantity Of Acquaintances; Liberty, Particularly The Liberty To Introduce Persons To One Another Without First Ascertaining If They Are Not Already Acquainted As Enemies; And The Pursuit Of Another's Happiness With A Running Pack Of Strangers.
Running
Men
Rights
I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.
Believe
People
Care
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