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Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction

Ambrose Bierce

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Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

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Plagiarism, N. A Literary Coincidence Compounded Of A Discreditable Priority And An Honorable Subsequence.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

Pie, N. An Advance Agent Of The Reaper Whose Name Is Indigestion.

Asperse, V.t. Maliciously To Ascribe To Another Vicious Actions Which One Has Not Had The Temptation And Opportunity To Commit.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

Bride: A Woman With A Fine Prospect Of Happiness Behind Her.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

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The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

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Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Life, N. A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay. We Live In Daily Apprehension Of Its Loss; Yet When Lost It Is Not Missed.

Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.

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Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

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Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Yesterday, N. The Infancy Of Youth, The Youth Of Manhood, The Entire Past Of Age.

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Monsieur Franqulin, Inventor Of Electricity. This Illustrious Savant, After Having Made Several Voyages Around The World, Died On The Sandwich Islands And Was Devoured By Savages, Of Whom Not A Single Fragment Was Ever Recovered.

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Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

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Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

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Incompatibility

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Sarcophagus, N. Among The Greeks A Coffin Which Being Made Of A Certain Kind Of Carnivorous Stone, Had The Peculiar Property Of Devouring The Body Placed In It.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

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Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.

Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

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Usage, N. The First Person Of The Literary Trinity, The Second And Third Being Custom And Conventionality. Imbued With A Decent Reverence For This Holy Triad An Industrious Writer May Hope To Produce Books That Will Live As Long As The Fashion.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Poverty, N. A File Provided For The Teeth Of The Rats Of Reform. Its Victims Are Distinguished By Possession Of All The Virtues And By Their Faith In Leaders Seeking To Conduct Them Into A Prosperity Where They Believe These To Be Unknown.

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A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Mugwump, N. In Politics One Afflicted With Self-respect And Addicted To The Vice Of Independence. A Term Of Contempt.

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Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.

A Trite Popular Saying, Or Proverb. (figurative And Colloquial.) So Called Because It Makes Its Way Into A Wooden Head. Following Are Examples Of Old Saws Fitted With New Teeth.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.

Pessimism- Philosophy Forced Upon The Convictions Of The Observer By The Disheartening Prevalence Of The Optimist With His Scarecrow Hope And His Unsightly Smile.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.

Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

An Accident Is An Inevitable Occurrence Due To The Actions Of Immutable Natural Laws.

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

A Lottery Is A Tax On Stupidity.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

Deliberation, N.: The Act Of Examining One's Bread To Determine Which Side It Is Buttered On.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

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