Background Image

...

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

A Short Story Padded.

Ambrose Bierce

...

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

Views: 54970

Topic

More From Ambrose Bierce

Pessimism- Philosophy Forced Upon The Convictions Of The Observer By The Disheartening Prevalence Of The Optimist With His Scarecrow Hope And His Unsightly Smile.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.

Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Nepotism, N. Appointing Your Grandmother To Office For The Good Of The Party.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Telephone, N. An Invention Of The Devil Which Abrogates Some Of The Advantages Of Making A Disagreeable Person Keep His Distance.

Hybrid, N. A Pooled Issue.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Discussion, N. A Method Of Confirming Others In Their Errors.

Pleonasm, N. An Army Of Words Escorting A Corporal Of Thought.

Orthodox, N. An Ox Wearing The Popular Religious Joke.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.

Ovation, N. N Ancient Rome, A Definite, Formal Pageant In Honor Of One Who Had Been Disserviceable To The Enemies Of The Nation. A Lesser "triumph."

Syllogism, N. A Logical Formula Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Assumption And An Inconsequent.

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Magnetism, N. Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definitions Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated The Subject With A Great White Light, To The Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.

To Be Comic Is Merely To Be Playful, But Wit Is A Serious Matter. To Laugh At It Is To Confess That You Do Not Understand.

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Adherent, N. A Follower Who Has Not Yet Obtained All That He Expects To Get.

The Gambling Known As Business Looks With Austere Disfavor Upon The Business Known As Gambling.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Every Heart Is The Lair Of A Ferocious Animal. The Greatest Wrong That You Can Put Upon A Man Is To Provoke Him To Let Out His Beast.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.

Harmonists, N. A Sect Of Protestants, Now Extinct, Who Came From Europe In The Beginning Of The Last Century And Were Distinguished For The Bitterness Of Their Internal Controversies And Dissensions.

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Hog, N. A Bird Remarkable For The Catholicity Of Its Appetite And Serving To Illustrate That Of Ours. Among The Mahometans And Jews, The Hog Is Not In Favor As An Article Of Diet, But Is Respected For The Delicacy And The Melody Of Its Voice. It Is Chiefly As A Songster That The Fowl Is Esteemed; The Cage Of Him In Full Chorus Has Been Known To Draw Tears From Two Persons At Once. The Scientific Name Of This Dicky-bird Is _porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller Did Not Discover The Hog, But It Is Considered His By Right Of Resemblance.

Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Female, N. One Of The Opposing, Or Unfair, Sex.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Evangelist, N. A Bearer Of Good Tidings, Particularly (in A Religious Sense) Such As Assure Us Of Our Own Salvation And The Damnation Of Our Neighbors.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.

You Don't Have To Be Stupid To Be A Christian, ... But It Probably Helps.

Twice – Once Too Often.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

While You Have A Future Do Not Live Too Much In Contemplation Of Your Past: Unless You Are Content To Walk Backward The Mirror Is A Poor Guide.

Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.

Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

Bath, N. A Kind Of Mystic Ceremony Substituted For Religious Worship, With What Spiritual Efficacy Has Not Been Determined.

Legitimate Authority To Be, To Do Or To Have; As The Right To Be A King, The Right To Do One's Neighbor, The Right To Have Measles, And The Like.

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

When You Doubt, Abstain.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Cemetery, N. An Isolated Suburban Spot Where Mourners Match Lies, Poets Write At A Target And Stone-cutters Spell For A Wager.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Ambition. An Overmastering Desire To Be Vilified By Enemies While Living And Made Ridiculous By Friends When Dead.

When In Rome, Do As Rome Does.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Babe Or Baby, N. A Misshapen Creature Of No Particular Age, Sex, Or Condition, Chiefly Remarkable For The Violence Of The Sympathies And Antipathies It Excites In Others, Itself Without Sentiment Or Emotion.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Acknowledge, V.t. To Confess. Acknowledgment Of One Another's Faults Is The Highest Duty Imposed By Our Love Of Truth.

Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

Quorum, N. A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The U.s. Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral. If Mans Notions Of Right And Wrong Have Any Other Basis Than This Of Expediency; If They Originated, Or Could Have Originated, In Any Other Way; If Actions Have In Themselves A Moral Character Apart From And Nowise Dependent On, Their Consequences-then All Philosophy Is A Lie And Reason A Disorder Of The Mind.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.

Edible, Adj.: Good To Eat, And Wholesome To Digest, As A Worm To A Toad, A Toad To A Snake, A Snake To A Pig, A Pig To A Man, And A Man To A Worm.

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Least.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Duck-bill, N. Your Account At Your Restaurant During The Canvas-back Season.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Compromise, N. Such An Adjustment Of Conflicting Interests As Gives Each Adversary The Satisfaction Of Thinking He Has Got What He Ought Not To Have, And Is Deprived Of Nothing Except What Was Justly His Due.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

A Less Popular Name For The Second Person Of That Delectable Newspaper Trinity, The Roomer, The Bedder, And The Mealer.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Democracy Is Defended In 3 Stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Youth Looks Forward, For Nothing Is Behind! Age Backward, For Nothing Is Before.

The Covers Of This Book Are Too Far Apart.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Adolescence: The Stage Between Puberty And Adultery.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Usage, N. The First Person Of The Literary Trinity, The Second And Third Being Custom And Conventionality. Imbued With A Decent Reverence For This Holy Triad An Industrious Writer May Hope To Produce Books That Will Live As Long As The Fashion.

Mace, N. A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In Dissuading From Dissent.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Convent - A Place Of Retirement For Women Who Wish For Leisure To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Idleness.

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

Philanthropist, N.: A Rich (and Usually Bald) Old Gentleman Who Has Trained Himself To Grin While His Conscience Is Picking His Pocket.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

What A Woman Most Admires In A Man Is Distinction Among Men. What A Man Most Admires In A Woman Is Devotion To Himself.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Doubt Begins Only At The Last Frontiers Of What Is Possible.

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

April Fool, N. The March Fool With Another Month Added To His Folly.

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Appeal. In Law, To Put The Dice Into The Box For Another Throw.

Diagnosis, N. A Physician's Forecast Of Disease By The Patient's Pulse And Purse.

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.

Trending Author

John C. McGinley

John C. Danforth

Alain De Botton

George Berkeley

Category