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Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Salamander: Originally A Reptile

Ambrose Bierce

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Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

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When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

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Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

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Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

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Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

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Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Loganimity, N. The Disposition To Endure Injury With Meek Forbearance While Maturing A Plan Of Revenge.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

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Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

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The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

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The Clarinet Is A Musical Instrument The Only Thing Worse Than Which Is Two.

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Fiddle, N. An Instrument To Tickle Human Ears By Friction Of A Horse's Tail On The Entrails Of A Cat.

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Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

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Hybrid, N. A Pooled Issue.

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Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

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Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

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Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

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Reason, V.i. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.

Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.

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Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

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Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.

Liar, N. One Who Tells An Unpleasant Truth.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

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Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

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Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

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Ass, N. A Public Singer With A Good Voice But No Ear.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Spooker, N. A Writer Whose Imagination Concerns Itself With Supernatural Phenomena, Especially In The Doings Of Spooks.

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Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

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Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Discussion, N. A Method Of Confirming Others In Their Errors.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.

Death Is Not The End. There Remains The Litigation Over The Estate.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Patriot, N. One To Whom The Interests Of A Part Seem Superior To Those Of The Whole. The Dupe Of Statesmen And The Tool Of Conquerors.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

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Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Respirator, N. An Apparatus Fitted Over The Nose And Mouth Of An Inhabitant Of London, Whereby To Filter The Visible Universe In Its Passage To The Lungs.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Rascality, N. Stupidity Militant. The Activity Of A Clouded Intellect.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

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