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Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Censor, N. An Officer

Ambrose Bierce

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Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

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Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Mouth, N. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of The Heart.

Knowledge Is The Small Part Of Ignorance That We Arrange And Classify.

Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

Eucharist, N. A Sacred Feast Of The Religious Sect Of Theophagi. A Dispute Once Unhappily Arose Among The Members Of This Sect As To What It Was That They Ate. In This Controversy Some Five Hundred Thousand Have Already Been Slain, And The Question Is Still Unsettled.

Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.

Characteristics

Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

Edible, Adj.: Good To Eat, And Wholesome To Digest, As A Worm To A Toad, A Toad To A Snake, A Snake To A Pig, A Pig To A Man, And A Man To A Worm.

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

A Total Abstainer Is One Who Abstains From Everything But Abstention, And Especially From Inactivity In The Affairs Of Others.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Erudition - Dust Shaken Out Of A Book Into An Empty Skull.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

What A Woman Most Admires In A Man Is Distinction Among Men. What A Man Most Admires In A Woman Is Devotion To Himself.

Radium, N. A Mineral That Gives Off Heat And Stimulates The Organ That A Scientist Is A Fool With.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Reason, V.i. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Tedium, N. Ennui, The State Or Condition Of One That Is Bored. Many Fanciful Derivations Of The Word Have Been Affirmed, But So High An Authority As Father Jape Says That It Comes From A Very Obvious Source --the First Words Of The Ancient Latin Hymn _te Deum Laudamus_. In This Apparently Natural Derivation There Is Something That Saddens.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Prospect, N. An Outlook, Usually Forbidding. An Expectation, Usually Forbidden.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Fiddle, N. An Instrument To Tickle Human Ears By Friction Of A Horse's Tail On The Entrails Of A Cat.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Urbanity, N. The Kind Of Civility That Urban Observers Ascribe To Dwellers In All Cities But New York. Its Commonest Expression Is Heard In The Words, "i Beg Your Pardon," And It Is Not Consistent With Disregard Of The Rights Of Others.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Proof, N. Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of Unlikelihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses As Opposed To That Of Only One.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Don't Steal; Thou'lt Never Thus Compete Successfully In Business. Cheat.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

To Be Comic Is Merely To Be Playful, But Wit Is A Serious Matter. To Laugh At It Is To Confess That You Do Not Understand.

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

History Is An Account, Mostly False, Of Events, Mostly Unimportant, Which Are Brought About By Rulers, Mostly Knaves, And Soldiers, Mostly Fools.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Backbite: To ''speak Of A Man As You Find Him'' When He Can't Find You.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.

Predestination, N. The Doctrine That All Things Occur According To Programme. . . . Not Be Confused With That Of Foreordination. The Difference Is Great Enough To Have Deluged Christendom With Ink, To Say Nothing Of The Gore.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Honorable, Adj.: Afflicted With An Impediment In One's Reach. In Legislative Bodies, It Is Customary To Mention All Members As Honorable; As, "the Honorable Gentleman Is A Scurvy Cur.".

Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Patriot, N. One To Whom The Interests Of A Part Seem Superior To Those Of The Whole. The Dupe Of Statesmen And The Tool Of Conquerors.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

Intimacy, N. A Relation Into Which Fools Are Providentially Drawn For Their Mutual Destruction.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Quill: An Instrument Of Torture Yielded By A Goose And Commonly Weilded By As Ass.

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Plague, N. In Ancient Times A General Punishment Of The Innocent For Admonition Of Their Ruler, As In The Familiar Instance Of Pharaoh The Immune. The Plague Today . . . Is Merely Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Idiot, N. A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.

Exhort, V.t. In Religious Affairs, To Put The Conscience Of Another Upon The Spit And Roast It To A Nut-brown Discomfort.

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Molecule, N.: The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter. It Is Distinguished From The Corpuscle, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter, By A Closer Resemblance To The Atom, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter ... The Ion Differs From The Molecule, The Corpuscle And The Atom In That It Is An Ion.

Piano, N. A Parlor Utensil For Subduing The Impenitent Visitor. It Is Operated By Depressing The Keys Of The Machine And The Spirits Of The Audience.

Brain, V. [as In "to Brain"]: To Rebuke Bluntly, But Not Pointedly; To Dispel A Source Of Error In An Opponent.

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.

Sabbath - A Weekly Festival Having Its Origin In The Fact That God Made The World In Six Days And Was Arrested On The Seventh.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

When In Rome, Do As Rome Does.

Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed Resemblance To Man. The Pig Is Taught By Sermons And Epistles / To Think The God Of Swine Has Snout And Bristles.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Turkey: A Large Bird Whose Flesh, When Eaten On Certain Religious Anniversaries Has The Peculiar Property Of Attesting Piety And Gratitude.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Doubt Begins Only At The Last Frontiers Of What Is Possible.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Riot – A Popular Entertainment Given To The Military By Innocent Bystanders.

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

Plenipotentiary, Adj. Having Full Power. A Minister Plenipotentiary Is A Diplomatist Possessing Absolute Authority On Condition That He Never Exert It.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Beauty, N: The Power By Which A Woman Charms A Lover And Terrifies A Husband.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

The Liberality Of One Who Has Much, In Permitting One Who Has Nothing To Get All That He Can.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think We Think.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

Respite, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities Against A Sentenced Assassin, To Enable The Executive To Determine Whether The Murder May Not Have Been Done By The Prosecuting Attorney. Any Break In The Continuity Of A Disagreeable Expectation.

We Submit To The Majority Because We Have To. But We Are Not Compelled To Call Our Attitude Of Subjection A Posture Of Respect.

Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

Cribbage, N. A Substitute For Conversation Among Those To Whom Nature Has Denied Ideas.

Acknowledge, V.t. To Confess. Acknowledgment Of One Another's Faults Is The Highest Duty Imposed By Our Love Of Truth.

Projectile, N. The Final Arbiter In International Disputes. With The Growth Of Prudence In Military Affairs The Projectile Came More And More Into Favor, And Is Now Held In High Esteem By The Most Courageous.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

For Every Man There Is Something In The Vocabulary That Would Stick To Him Like A Second Skin. His Enemies Have Only To Find It.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

Advice: The Suggestions You Give Someone Else Which You Hope Will Work For Your Benefit.

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