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Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.
-Ambrose Bierce
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Vote: The Instrument And

Ambrose Bierce
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Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Understanding the Quote: "vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a..."

This quote by Ambrose Bierce reflects deeply on the theme of country. It connects to the universal human journey of purpose, motivation, and reflection. Often categorized under Country, Stupid, Power, the quote offers insight, emotional clarity, and intellectual inspiration to readers worldwide.

Whether you’re a student exploring new ideas, a leader trying to motivate your team, or someone seeking direction in life — this quote provides value. It resonates because it’s more than words — it’s a bridge between experience and wisdom. It shows how Ambrose Bierce interprets life's core challenges and triumphs.

Lessons From the Quote

This quote teaches resilience and focus. It reminds readers that no matter where they stand in life, reflection and self-awareness lead to growth. Each word has meaning, and when studied, it becomes clear how impactful thoughtful language can be.

About Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce is celebrated for insightful thoughts on country and stupid. Their legacy lives on through writings that guide, comfort, and inspire. Discover more on their profile page.

Actionable Takeaways

  • Reflect on how this quote applies to your current life path.
  • Share the message with someone who needs inspiration.
  • Write your thoughts on this quote in a journal or blog post.
  • Use it as a daily affirmation or reminder.

Closing Thoughts

Quotes like this endure because they capture universal truths. They comfort us in solitude and empower us in groups. Carry this quote forward — live by its wisdom, share its message, and keep its essence alive.

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Topic
Country
Stupid
Power
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Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.
Hands
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Propensity
A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.
Character
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Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.
Process
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Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.
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Deliberation, N.: The Act Of Examining One's Bread To Determine Which Side It Is Buttered On.
Food
Cooking
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There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.
Learning
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Hydra, N. A Kind Of Animal That The Ancients Catalogued Under Many Heads.
Kindness
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Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.
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Ocean
Musical
Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.
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HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.
Science
Medical Profession
Humour
Truth Is So Good A Thing That Falsehood Can Not Afford To Be Without It.
Truth Is
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Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.
Buckets
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Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.
Maids
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Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.
Truth
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Splendor
Cemetery, N. An Isolated Suburban Spot Where Mourners Match Lies, Poets Write At A Target And Stone-cutters Spell For A Wager.
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Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.
Departed
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Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.
Inspirational
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Sad
Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.
Business
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Appeal. In Law, To Put The Dice Into The Box For Another Throw.
Law
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Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.
Fun
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Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.
Philosophy
Real
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Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.
Enemy
Encounters
Opponents
I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.
Math
Thinking
Logic
Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.
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The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.
Rain
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Thinking
Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.
Drinking
Medicine
Water
Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.
Time
Power
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Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.
Food
Wine
Drunk
Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.
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Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.
Sorrow
Accepting
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Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.
Money
Latin
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The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.
Peace
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War
Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.
Bible
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The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.
Horse
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Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.
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Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.
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Stories
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Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.
Laughter
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Delusion, N. The Father Of A Most Respectable Family, Comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity And Many Other Goodly Sons And Daughters.
Family
Faith
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Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.
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Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.
Science
Students
Medical
Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.
Christian
Religion
Progress
Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.
Physicians
Literature
Patient
Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.
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Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.
Art
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Clarinet N. An Instrument Of Torture Operated By A Person With Cotton In His Ears. There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet – Two Clarinets.
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Miss, N. A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense. Two Are Corruptions Of Mistress, The Other Of Master. In The General Abolition Of Social Titles In This Our Country They Miraculously Escaped To Plague Us. If We Must Have Them Let Us Be Consistent And Give One To The Unmarried Man. I Venture To Suggest Mush, Abbreviated To Mh.
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Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.
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Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.
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Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.
Law
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Rostrum, N. In Latin, The Beak Of A Bird Or The Prow Of A Ship. In America, A Place From Which A Candidate For Office Energetically Expounds The Wisdom, Virtue And Power Of The Rabble.
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Replica, N. A Reproduction Of A Work Of Art, By The Artist That Made The Original. It Is So Called To Distinguish It From A "copy," Which Is Made By Another Artist. When The Two Are Mae With Equal Skill The Replica Is The More Valuable, For It Is Suppose
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Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.
Reality
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Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.
Mistake
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Taste
Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.
Humanity
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Characteristics
Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.
Opportunity
Frowning
Lasts
Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.
Hunger
Instinct
Appetite
Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.
Yankees
Europe
Southern
Youth Looks Forward, For Nothing Is Behind! Age Backward, For Nothing Is Before.
Age
Looks
Youth
Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.
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Liaison
Offspring
Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.
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Education
Math
Thinking
While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.
Sarcastic
Hands
Watches
Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.
Vanity
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Ass
Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.
Life
Truth
Light
Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.
Distance
Rich
Poor
Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.
Success
Thought Provoking
Sin
An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.
Long
Doe
Assassins
King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.
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America
Males
Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.
Creation
Existence
Factors
Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.
Country
Blood
Hands
To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.
Choices
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Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.
Food
Cooking
Body
Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.
Pigs
Law
Machines
President, N. The Leading Figure In A Small Group Of Men Of Whom - And Of Whom Only - It Is Positively Known That Immense Numbers Of Their Countrymen Did Not Want Any Of Them For President.
Leadership
Men
Numbers
Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.
Long
Baptism
Cooking
Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be.
Animal
Men
Thinking
When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.
Forgiving
Enemy
Haste
The God Of The World's Leading Religion.
Atheism
World
Consumerism
Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.
Hands
Careers
Quality
Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.
Tyrants
Weakness
Energy
Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.
Leadership
School
Nihilist
Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.
Order
White
House
Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.
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World
Evidence
Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.
Pigs
Games
Politics
Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.
Wise
Food
Men
When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.
Adversity
Evil
Fool
The Hardest Tumble A Man Can Make Is To Fall Over His Own Bluff.
Wisdom
Clever
Lying
Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.
Book
Ignorance
Knowledge
Yesterday, N. The Infancy Of Youth, The Youth Of Manhood, The Entire Past Of Age.
Past
Yesterday
Age
Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.
Water
Imagination
Novelists
Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.
Graduation
School
Scandal
Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.
Struggle
Wicked
Oblivion
Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.
Faith
Hell
Advantage
Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.
Funny
Anniversary
Romantic
Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.
Book
Writing
Religion
Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.
Failure
Rebel
Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.
Knights
Feet
Soldier
Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."
Music
Body
Action
Impale, V.t. In Popular Usage, To Pierce With Any Weapon Which Remains Fixed In The Wound . . . . Properly, To Put To Death By Thrusting An Upright Sharp Stake Into The Body, The Victim Being Left In A Sitting Position.
Death
Sitting
Body
Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.
Independent
Men
Average
Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.
Time
Power
Ubiquity
Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.
Atheism
Invisible
Clairvoyant
I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.
Love You
Love Is
Thinking
A Trite Popular Saying, Or Proverb. (figurative And Colloquial.) So Called Because It Makes Its Way Into A Wooden Head. Following Are Examples Of Old Saws Fitted With New Teeth.
Example
Teeth
Way
Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.
Mistake
Eels
Agitation
Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.
Expression
Land
Poetry
Liberty: One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.
Freedom
Patriotic
Imagination
Orthodox, N. An Ox Wearing The Popular Religious Joke.
Religious
Religion
Orthodox
Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.
Determination
Obstinate
Courses
Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.
Science
Astronomers
Conjecture
Honorable, Adj.: Afflicted With An Impediment In One's Reach. In Legislative Bodies, It Is Customary To Mention All Members As Honorable; As, "the Honorable Gentleman Is A Scurvy Cur.".
Gentleman
Affliction
Body
The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.
Men
Self
Favors
Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference
Military
Silence
Form
Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.
Peculiar
Betrayed
Virtue
Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.
Funny
God
Names
Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.
Education
Ignorance
Kind
Twice – Once Too Often.
Intolerance Is Natural And Logical, For In Every Dissenting Opinion Lies An Assumption Of Superior Wisdom.
Lying
Opinion
Assumption
Ambition. An Overmastering Desire To Be Vilified By Enemies While Living And Made Ridiculous By Friends When Dead.
Life
Ambition
Reality
Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.
Absence
Absent
The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.
Onions
Soup
Kind
Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.
Determination
Heart
Eye
Monarchical Government, N. Government.
Government
Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need
Friendship
Thinking
Advice
Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.
Book
Forever
Atheism
Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.
Science
West Indies
Sea
Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance... The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One - The Knowledge And The Dream.
Dream
Future
Past
Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.
Rain
Fall
Fire
Legacy, N. A Gift From One Who Is Legging It Out Of This Vale Of Tears.
Tears
Legacy
Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.
Men
Mind
Style
Degradation, N. One Of The Stages Of Moral And Social Progress From Private Station To Political Preferment.
Political
Progress
Degradation
Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.
Vision
Cynicism
Cynic
Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.
Love
Appreciation
Rewards And Recognition
Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.
Wisdom
Experience
Recognise You
Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.
Love
Temporary Insanity
Patient
A Hollow Edifice Erected For The Habitation Of Man, Rat, Mouse, Beetle, Cockroach, Fly, Mosquito, Flea, Bacillus, And Microbe.
Party
Men
House
Adolescence: The Stage Between Puberty And Adultery.
Cynical
Adultery
Cynicism
Architect. One Who Drafts A Plan Of Your House, And Plans A Draft Of Your Money.
Funny
Money
Badass
The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.
Character
Wrinkles
Hands
Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs
Food
Science
Cooking
Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.
Truth
Common Sense
Utterance
Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.
Funny
Science
Pockets
Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.
Art
Character
Differences
J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.
Dog
Latin
Verbs
Serial, N. A Literary Work, Usually A Story That Is Not True, Creeping Through Several Issues Of A Newspaper Or Magazine.
Work
Issues
Stories
Palmistry, N. The 947th Method . . . Of Obtaining Money By False Pretences [by] "reading Character" In The Wrinkles [of] The Hand. The Pretence Is Not Altogether False. . . For The Wrinkles In Every Hand Submitted Plainly Spell The Word "dupe."
Money
Reading
Character
Turkey: A Large Bird Whose Flesh, When Eaten On Certain Religious Anniversaries Has The Peculiar Property Of Attesting Piety And Gratitude.
Thanksgiving
Gratitude
Religious
Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.
Thinking
Brain
Mind
Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.
Science
Men
Thieves
Platitude, N. The Fundamental Element And Special Glory Of Popular Literature. A Thought That Snores In Words That Smoke. All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth. A Jelly-fish Withering On The Shore Of The Sea Of Thought. A Desiccated Epigram.
Truth
Sea
Departed
Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.
Friendship
Fool
Method
Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.
Running
Party
Government
Cartesian, Adj. Relating To Descartes, Author Of 'cogito Ergo Sum' To Demonstrate The Reality Of Human Existence. The Dictum Might Be Improved 'cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum' 'i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am' As Close An Approach.
Reality
Thinking
Might
Epigram, N. A Short, Sharp Saying In Prose Or Verse, Frequently Characterize By Acidity Or Acerbity And Sometimes By Wisdom.
Wisdom
Sometimes
Prose
Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.
Wine
Men
Next
Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.
Law
Lawyer
Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.
Two
Alcohol
Four
Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.
Belief
Given
Asks
Disobedience, N. The Silver Lining To The Cloud Of Servitude.
Sarcastic
Clouds
Silver
Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.
Retirement
Spring
Believe
Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.
Friendship
Funny Friend
Weather
Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.
Player
Politics
Dice
A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.
Dog
Mean
World
Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.
Food
Evil
Moderation
Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.
Religious
Food
Perspective
Centaur, N. One Of A Race Of Persons Who Lived Before The Division Of Labor Had Been Carried To Such A Pitch Of Differentiation, And Who Followed The Primitive Economic Maxim, "every Man His Own Horse."
Life
Horse
Men
Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").
Nature
Insomnia
Novelists
Incompossible, Adj. Unable To Exist If Something Else Exists. Two Things Are Incompossible When The World Of Being Has Scope Enough For One Of Them, But Not Enough For Both - As Walt Whitman's Poetry And God's Mercy To Man.
Men
Two
Poetry
Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.
Men
Law
Body
Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.
Love
Mercy
Attributes
Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.
Patriotism
Firsts
Scoundrels
Cat: A Soft Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.
Nature
Cat
Circles
Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.
Food
Cereal
People
Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.
Life
Men
Creative
Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.
Doubt
Shadow
Half
Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.
Beautiful
Fall
Adversity
Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.
Moving
Men
White Man
When Lost In A Forest Go Always Down Hill. When Lost In A Philosophy Or Doctrine Go Upward.
Philosophy
Doctrine
Forests
Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.
Tears
Plus
Reasonable
Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.
Success
Congratulations
Envy
Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.
Echoes
Applause
Platitudes
Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.
Writing
Bird
Feelings
Ambidextrous, Adj.: Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-hand Pocket Or A Left.
Hands
Skills
Pockets
Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.
Men
Voting
Choices
Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.
Independent
Animal
Tails
Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.
Love
Funny
Marriage
Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.
Dog
Literature
World
Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.
Ties
Debtors
Owing A Debt
Zeus /n./ The Chief Of Grecian Gods, Adored By The Romans As Jupiter And By The Modern Americans As God, Gold, Mob And Dog.
Dog
Gold
Jupiter
Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.
Evil
Political
Wish
Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.
Food
Cooking
Definitions
Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.
Names
Patriotism
Ambitious
He Who Thinks With Difficulty Believes With Alacrity.
Believe
Thinking
Alacrity
Habit: A Shackle For The Free.
Nihilism
Habit
Shackles
Peroration, N. The Explosion Of An Oratorical Rocket. It Dazzles, But To An Observer Having The Wrong Kind Of Nose Its Most Conspicuous Peculiarity Is The Smell Of The Several Kinds Of Powder Used In Preparing It.
Kindness
Smell
Noses
Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.
Life
Temptation
Add
Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.
Confusion
Confusing
Mind
Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .
Character
Wrath
Quality
Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.
Gossip
Secret
Confidant
Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.
Life
Understanding
Trying
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