Background Image

...

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying

Ambrose Bierce

...

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

Views: 6372

Topic

More From Ambrose Bierce

Rear, N. In American Military Matters, That Exposed Part Of The Army That Is Nearest To Congress.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

I Keep A Conscience Uncorrupted By Religion, A Judgment Undimmed By Politics And Patriotism, A Heart Untainted By Friendships And Sentiments Unsoured By Animosities.

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

Convent - A Place Of Retirement For Women Who Wish For Leisure To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Idleness.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

A Comely Female Inhabiting The Mohammedan Paradise To Make Things Cheery For The Good Mussulman, Whose Belief In Her Existence Marks A Noble Discontent With His Earthly Spouse, Whom He Denies A Soul.

When In Rome, Do As Rome Does.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

They Say That Hens Do Cackle Loudest When There Is Nothing Vital In The Eggs They Have Laid.

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

True, More Than A Half Of The Green Graves In The Grafton Cemetery Are Marked "unknown," And Sometimes It Occurs That One Thinks Of The Contradiction Involved In "honoring The Memory" Of Him Of Whom No Memory Remains To Honor; But The Attempt Seems To Do No Great Harm To The Living, Even To The Logical.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

Accuse, V.t. To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of Ourselves For Having Wronged Him.

Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.

Present, N. That Part Of Eternity Dividing The Domain Of Disappointment From The Realm Of Hope.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Syllogism, N. A Logical Formula Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Assumption And An Inconsequent.

Weather, N. The Climate Of An Hour. A Permanent Topic Of Conversation Among Persons Whom It Does Not Interest, But Who Have Inherited The Tendency To Chatter About It From Naked Arboreal Ancestors Whom It Keenly Concerned. The Setting Up Of Official Weather Bureaus And Their Maintenance In Mendacity Prove That Even Governments Are Accessible To Suasion By The Rude Forefathers Of The Jungle.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

When Lost In A Forest Go Always Down Hill. When Lost In A Philosophy Or Doctrine Go Upward.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Adolescence: A Stage Between Infancy And Adultery.

Peripatetic, Adj. Walking About. Relating To The Philosophy Of Aristotle, Who, While Expounding It, Moved From Place To Place In Order To Avoid His Pupil's Objections. A Needless Precaution - They Knew No More Of The Matter Than He.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Female, N. One Of The Opposing, Or Unfair, Sex.

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

Reason, V.i. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Be As Decent As You Can. Don't Believe Without Evidence. Treat Things Divine With Marked Respect — Don't Have Anything To Do With Them. Do Not Trust Humanity Without Collateral Security; It Will Play You Some Scurvy Trick. Remember That It Hurts No One To Be Treated As An Enemy Entitled To Respect Until He Shall Prove Himself A Friend Worthy Of Affection. Cultivate A Taste For Distasteful Truths. And, Finally, Most Important Of All, Endeavor To See Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Commerce, N. A Kind Of Transaction In Which A Plunders From B The Goods Of C, And For Compensation B Picks The Pocket Of D Of Money Belonging To E.

Predestination, N. The Doctrine That All Things Occur According To Programme. . . . Not Be Confused With That Of Foreordination. The Difference Is Great Enough To Have Deluged Christendom With Ink, To Say Nothing Of The Gore.

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.

Ass, N. A Public Singer With A Good Voice But No Ear.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Epitaph: An Inscription On A Tomb Showing That Virtues Acquired By Death Have A Retroactive Effect.

Clarinet N. An Instrument Of Torture Operated By A Person With Cotton In His Ears. There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet – Two Clarinets.

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Preference, N. A Sentiment, Or Frame Of Mind, Induced By The Erroneous Belief That One Thing Is Better Than Another.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted. By Most Writers The Invention Of Gunpowder Is Ascribed To The Chinese, But Not Upon Very Convincing Evidence. Milton Says It Was Invented By The Devil To Dispel Angels With, And This Opinion Seems To Derive Some Support From The Scarcity Of Angels.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

Patriot, N. One To Whom The Interests Of A Part Seem Superior To Those Of The Whole. The Dupe Of Statesmen And The Tool Of Conquerors.

He Who Thinks With Difficulty Believes With Alacrity. A Fool Is A Natural Proselyte, But He Must Be Caught Young, For His Convictions, Unlike Those Of The Wise, Harden With Age.

Usage, N. The First Person Of The Literary Trinity, The Second And Third Being Custom And Conventionality. Imbued With A Decent Reverence For This Holy Triad An Industrious Writer May Hope To Produce Books That Will Live As Long As The Fashion.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

No Country Is So Wild And Difficult But Men Will Make It A Theater Of War.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Blank-verse, N. Unrhymed Iambic Pentameters - The Most Difficult Kind Of English Verse To Write Acceptably; A Kind, Therefore, Much Affected By Those Who Cannot Acceptably Write Any Kind.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

One Engaged In A Commercial Pursuit. A Commercial Pursuit Is One In Which The Thing Pursued Is A Dollar.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Ambition. An Overmastering Desire To Be Vilified By Enemies While Living And Made Ridiculous By Friends When Dead.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Cartesian, Adj. Relating To Descartes, Author Of 'cogito Ergo Sum' To Demonstrate The Reality Of Human Existence. The Dictum Might Be Improved 'cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum' 'i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am' As Close An Approach.

A Total Abstainer Is One Who Abstains From Everything But Abstention, And Especially From Inactivity In The Affairs Of Others.

Degradation, N. One Of The Stages Of Moral And Social Progress From Private Station To Political Preferment.

We Submit To The Majority Because We Have To. But We Are Not Compelled To Call Our Attitude Of Subjection A Posture Of Respect.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Scrap-book, N. A Book That Is Commonly Edited By A Fool. Many Persons Of Some Small Distinction Compile Scrap-books Containing Whatever They Happen To Read About Themselves Or Employ Others To Collect.

Pessimism- Philosophy Forced Upon The Convictions Of The Observer By The Disheartening Prevalence Of The Optimist With His Scarecrow Hope And His Unsightly Smile.

Rome Has Seven Sacraments, But The Protestant Churches, Being Less Prosperous, Feel That They Can Afford Only Two, And These Of Inferior Sanctity.

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.

Quorum, N. A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The U.s. Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House.

Advice, The Smallest Current Coin.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Discussion, N. A Method Of Confirming Others In Their Errors.

Mouth, N. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of The Heart.

Here's To Woman! Would That We Could Fold Into Her Arms Without Falling Into Her Hands.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Gnu, N. An Animal Of South Africa, Which In Its Domesticated State Resembles A Horse, A Buffalo And A Stag. In Its Wild Condition It Is Something Like A Thunderbolt, An Earthquake And A Cyclone.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Appeal. In Law, To Put The Dice Into The Box For Another Throw.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

Doubt Begins Only At The Last Frontiers Of What Is Possible.

You Don't Have To Be Stupid To Be A Christian, ... But It Probably Helps.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

The Clarinet Is A Musical Instrument The Only Thing Worse Than Which Is Two.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Good, Adj. Sensible, Madam, To The Worth Of This Present Writer. Alive, Sir, To The Advantages Of Letting Him Alone.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Cat: A Soft Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

Beauty, N: The Power By Which A Woman Charms A Lover And Terrifies A Husband.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Noise: A Stench In The Ear.

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Idiot, N. A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Minister, N. An Agent Of A Higher Power With A Lower Responsibility. In Diplomacy, An Officer Sent Into A Foreign Country As The Visible Embodiment Of His Sovereign's Hostility.

Trending Author

Alan Dershowitz

Aleister Crowley

William E. Gladstone

Marlene Dietrich

Category