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The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

-Ambrose Bierce

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The Natural Equipment To

Ambrose Bierce

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The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

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Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed Resemblance To Man. The Pig Is Taught By Sermons And Epistles / To Think The God Of Swine Has Snout And Bristles.

Magnetism, N. Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definitions Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated The Subject With A Great White Light, To The Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

Accomplice, N. One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Fee For Assenting.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Intention, N. The Mind's Sense Of The Prevalence Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set; An Effect Whose Cause Is The Imminence, Immediate Or Remote, Of The Performance Of An Involuntary Act.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Forgetfulness - A Gift Of God Bestowed Upon Debtors In Compensation For Their Destitution Of Conscience.

The Covers Of This Book Are Too Far Apart.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

We Submit To The Majority Because We Have To. But We Are Not Compelled To Call Our Attitude Of Subjection A Posture Of Respect.

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Loganimity, N. The Disposition To Endure Injury With Meek Forbearance While Maturing A Plan Of Revenge.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

One Engaged In A Commercial Pursuit. A Commercial Pursuit Is One In Which The Thing Pursued Is A Dollar.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot.

Good, Adj. Sensible, Madam, To The Worth Of This Present Writer. Alive, Sir, To The Advantages Of Letting Him Alone.

Patriotism Is As Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave, Blind As A Stone, And Irrational As A Headless Hen.

Edible, Adj.: Good To Eat, And Wholesome To Digest, As A Worm To A Toad, A Toad To A Snake, A Snake To A Pig, A Pig To A Man, And A Man To A Worm.

Nominate, V. To Designate For The Heaviest Political Assessment. To Put Forward A Suitable Person To Incur The Mudgobbling And Deadcatting Of The Opposition.

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of A Remarkable Christian Forebearance Among Men.

Freebooter, N. A Conqueror In A Small Way Of Business, Whose Annexations Lack Of The Sanctifying Merit Of Magnitude.

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Empty Wine Bottles Have A Bad Opinion Of Women.

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

Battle, N., A Method Of Untying With The Teeth A Political Knot That Would Not Yield To The Tongue.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Respirator, N. An Apparatus Fitted Over The Nose And Mouth Of An Inhabitant Of London, Whereby To Filter The Visible Universe In Its Passage To The Lungs.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Plagiarize, V. To Take The Thought Or Style Of Another Writer Whom One Has Never, Never Read.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Peripatetic, Adj. Walking About. Relating To The Philosophy Of Aristotle, Who, While Expounding It, Moved From Place To Place In Order To Avoid His Pupil's Objections. A Needless Precaution - They Knew No More Of The Matter Than He.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

Lickspittle, N. A Useful Functionary, Not Infrequently Found Editing A Newspaper . . . The Lickspittle Is Only The Blackmailer Under Another Aspect, Although The Latter Is Frequently Found As An Independent Species.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

The Most Affectionate Creature In The World Is A Wet Dog.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Plagiarism, N. A Literary Coincidence Compounded Of A Discreditable Priority And An Honorable Subsequence.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Reason, V.i. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Syllogism, N. A Logical Formula Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Assumption And An Inconsequent.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Brain, V. [as In "to Brain"]: To Rebuke Bluntly, But Not Pointedly; To Dispel A Source Of Error In An Opponent.

An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance. Discovery Of Truth Is The Sole Purpose Of Philosophy, Which Is The Most Ancient Occupation Of The Human Mind And Has A Fair Prospect Of Existing With Increasing Activity To The End Of Time.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.

Nonsense, N. The Objections That Are Urged Against This Excellent Dictionary.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Ribaldry, N. Censorious Language By Another Concerning Oneself.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Suffrage, Noun. Expression Of Opinion By Means Of A Ballot. The Right Of Suffrage (which Is Held To Be Both A Privilege And A Duty) Means, As Commonly Interpreted, The Right To Vote For The Man Of Another Man's Choice, And Is Highly Prized.

True, More Than A Half Of The Green Graves In The Grafton Cemetery Are Marked "unknown," And Sometimes It Occurs That One Thinks Of The Contradiction Involved In "honoring The Memory" Of Him Of Whom No Memory Remains To Honor; But The Attempt Seems To Do No Great Harm To The Living, Even To The Logical.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Homoeopathy, N. A School Of Medicine Midway Between Allopathy And Christian Science. To The Last Both The Others Are Distinctly Inferior, For Christian Science Will Cure Imaginary Diseases, And They Can Not.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.

Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.

Thought Provoking

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Orthodox, N. An Ox Wearing The Popular Religious Joke.

War Is God's Way Of Teaching Americans Geography.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

Aborigines, N.: Persons Of Little Worth Found Cumbering The Soil Of A Newly Discovered Country. They Soon Cease To Cumber; They Fertilize.

When Lost In A Forest Go Always Down Hill. When Lost In A Philosophy Or Doctrine Go Upward.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Old, Adj. In That Stage Of Usefulness Which Is Not Inconsistent With General Inefficiency, As An "old Man". Discredited By Lapse Of Time And Offensive To The Popular Taste, As An "old" Book.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

The God Of The World's Leading Religion.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

A Rabbit's Foot May Bring Good Luck To You, But It Brought None To The Rabbit.

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

A Hollow Edifice Erected For The Habitation Of Man, Rat, Mouse, Beetle, Cockroach, Fly, Mosquito, Flea, Bacillus, And Microbe.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.

Replica, N. A Reproduction Of A Work Of Art, By The Artist That Made The Original. It Is So Called To Distinguish It From A "copy," Which Is Made By Another Artist. When The Two Are Mae With Equal Skill The Replica Is The More Valuable, For It Is Suppose

Honorable, Adj.: Afflicted With An Impediment In One's Reach. In Legislative Bodies, It Is Customary To Mention All Members As Honorable; As, "the Honorable Gentleman Is A Scurvy Cur.".

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

Pre-adamite, N. One Of An Experimental And Apparently Unsatisfactory Race Of Antedated Creation. . . . Little Its Known Of Them Beyond The Fact That They Supplied Cain With A Wife And Theologians With A Controversy.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

The Most Intolerant Advocate Is He Who Is Trying To Convince Himself.

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Rascality, N. Stupidity Militant. The Activity Of A Clouded Intellect.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

We Hold These Truths To Be Self-evident: That All Men Are Created Equal; That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Inalienable Rights; That Among These Are Life, And The Right To Make That Of Another Miserable By Thrusting Upon Him An Incalculable Quantity Of Acquaintances; Liberty, Particularly The Liberty To Introduce Persons To One Another Without First Ascertaining If They Are Not Already Acquainted As Enemies; And The Pursuit Of Another's Happiness With A Running Pack Of Strangers.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

A Chop Is A Piece Of Leather Skillfully Attached To A Bone And Administered To The Patients At Restaurants.

Adherent, N. A Follower Who Has Not Yet Obtained All That He Expects To Get.

Hope Is Desire And Expectation Rolled Into One.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Usage, N. The First Person Of The Literary Trinity, The Second And Third Being Custom And Conventionality. Imbued With A Decent Reverence For This Holy Triad An Industrious Writer May Hope To Produce Books That Will Live As Long As The Fashion.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Effect, N. The Second Of Two Phenomena Which Always Occur Together In The Same Order. The First, Called A Cause, Is Said To Generate The Other-which Is No More Sensible Than It Would Be For One Who Has Never Seen A Dog Except In Pursuit Of A Rabbit To Declare The Rabbit The Cause Of The Dog.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance. A Moving Line Called The Present Parts It From An Imaginary Period Known As The Future. These Two Grand Divisions Of Eternity, Of Which The One Is Continually Effacing The Other, Are Entirely Unlike. The One Is Dark With Sorrow And Disappointment, The Other Bright With Prosperity And Joy.... Yet The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One-the Knowledge And The Dream.

Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

Evolutionary Biology Is Genuinely Scientific, But More Than That It Opens The Door To A World More Marvellous Than Any Christian Fundamentalist Has Ever Read Into The Pages Of The Bible.

Photograph, N. A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art. It Is A Little Better Than The Work Of An Apache, But Not Quite So Good As That Of A Cheyenne.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

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