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True, More Than A Half Of The Green Graves In The Grafton Cemetery Are Marked "unknown," And Sometimes It Occurs That One Thinks Of The Contradiction Involved In "honoring The Memory" Of Him Of Whom No Memory Remains To Honor; But The Attempt Seems To Do No Great Harm To The Living, Even To The Logical.

-Ambrose Bierce

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True, More Than A

Ambrose Bierce

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True, More Than A Half Of The Green Graves In The Grafton Cemetery Are Marked "unknown," And Sometimes It Occurs That One Thinks Of The Contradiction Involved In "honoring The Memory" Of Him Of Whom No Memory Remains To Honor; But The Attempt Seems To Do No Great Harm To The Living, Even To The Logical.

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Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Happiness Has Not To All The Same Name: To Youth She Is Known As The Future; Age Knows Her As The Dream.

Don't Steal; Thou'lt Never Thus Compete Successfully In Business. Cheat.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

The World Has Suffered More From The Ravages Of Ill-advised Marriages Than From Virginity.

Babe Or Baby, N. A Misshapen Creature Of No Particular Age, Sex, Or Condition, Chiefly Remarkable For The Violence Of The Sympathies And Antipathies It Excites In Others, Itself Without Sentiment Or Emotion.

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Accomplice, N. One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Fee For Assenting.

Plenipotentiary, Adj. Having Full Power. A Minister Plenipotentiary Is A Diplomatist Possessing Absolute Authority On Condition That He Never Exert It.

Logic: The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Effect, N. The Second Of Two Phenomena Which Always Occur Together In The Same Order. The First, Called A Cause, Is Said To Generate The Other-which Is No More Sensible Than It Would Be For One Who Has Never Seen A Dog Except In Pursuit Of A Rabbit To Declare The Rabbit The Cause Of The Dog.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Selfish, Adj. Devoid Of Consideration For The Selfishness Of Others.

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."

Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Monsignor- A High Ecclesiastical Title, Of Which The Founder Of Our Religion Overlooked The Advantages.

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

One Engaged In A Commercial Pursuit. A Commercial Pursuit Is One In Which The Thing Pursued Is A Dollar.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Example Is Better Than Following It.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

Clarinet N. An Instrument Of Torture Operated By A Person With Cotton In His Ears. There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet – Two Clarinets.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Yesterday, N. The Infancy Of Youth, The Youth Of Manhood, The Entire Past Of Age.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.

Incompossible, Adj. Unable To Exist If Something Else Exists. Two Things Are Incompossible When The World Of Being Has Scope Enough For One Of Them, But Not Enough For Both - As Walt Whitman's Poetry And God's Mercy To Man.

Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

The Gambling Known As Business Looks With Austere Disfavor Upon The Business Known As Gambling.

Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.

Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves.

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Nonsense, N. The Objections That Are Urged Against This Excellent Dictionary.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Urbanity, N. The Kind Of Civility That Urban Observers Ascribe To Dwellers In All Cities But New York. Its Commonest Expression Is Heard In The Words, "i Beg Your Pardon," And It Is Not Consistent With Disregard Of The Rights Of Others.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

For Every Man There Is Something In The Vocabulary That Would Stick To Him Like A Second Skin. His Enemies Have Only To Find It.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Theosophy, N. An Ancient Faith Having All The Certitude Of Religion And All The Mystery Of Science.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted. By Most Writers The Invention Of Gunpowder Is Ascribed To The Chinese, But Not Upon Very Convincing Evidence. Milton Says It Was Invented By The Devil To Dispel Angels With, And This Opinion Seems To Derive Some Support From The Scarcity Of Angels.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Disobey N:to Celebrate With An Appropriate Ceremony The Maturity Of A Command

Reparation, N. Satisfaction That Is Made For A Wrong And Deducted From The Satisfaction Felt In Committing It.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Arsenic, N. A Kind Of Cosmetic Greatly Affected By The Ladies, Whom It Greatly Affects In Turn.

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.

Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Indifferent, Adj. Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Ovation, N. N Ancient Rome, A Definite, Formal Pageant In Honor Of One Who Had Been Disserviceable To The Enemies Of The Nation. A Lesser "triumph."

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

He Who Thinks With Difficulty Believes With Alacrity.

Mausoleum, N: The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Pantheism, N. The Doctrine That Everything Is God, In Contradistinction To The Doctrine That God Is Everything.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

Edible, Adj.: Good To Eat, And Wholesome To Digest, As A Worm To A Toad, A Toad To A Snake, A Snake To A Pig, A Pig To A Man, And A Man To A Worm.

The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

Aim, N. The Task We Set Our Wishes To.

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Pillory, N. A Mechanical Device For Inflicting Personal Distinction - Prototype Of The Modern Newspaper Conducted By Persons Of Austere Virtues And Blameless Lives.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Trial. A Formal Inquiry Designed To Prove And Put Upon Record The Blameless Characters Of Judges, Advocates And Jurors.

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain. Its Chief Activity Consists In The Endeavour To Ascertain Its Own Nature, The Futility Of The Attempt Being Due To The Fact That It Has Nothing But Itself To Know Itself With.

Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Prehistoric, Adj. Belonging To An Early Period And A Museum. Antedating The Art And Practice Of Perpetuating Falsehood.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Age - That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That Remain By Reviling Those We Have No Longer The Vigor To Commit.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

A Hollow Edifice Erected For The Habitation Of Man, Rat, Mouse, Beetle, Cockroach, Fly, Mosquito, Flea, Bacillus, And Microbe.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

A Comely Female Inhabiting The Mohammedan Paradise To Make Things Cheery For The Good Mussulman, Whose Belief In Her Existence Marks A Noble Discontent With His Earthly Spouse, Whom He Denies A Soul.

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Mugwump, N. In Politics One Afflicted With Self-respect And Addicted To The Vice Of Independence. A Term Of Contempt.

Battle, N., A Method Of Untying With The Teeth A Political Knot That Would Not Yield To The Tongue.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Quixotic, Adj. Absurdly Chivalric, Like Don Quixote. An Insight Into The Beauty And Excellence Of This Incomparable Adjective Is Unhappily Denied To Him Who Has The Misfortune To Know That The Gentleman's Name Is Pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

They Say That Hens Do Cackle Loudest When There Is Nothing Vital In The Eggs They Have Laid.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

Advice: The Suggestions You Give Someone Else Which You Hope Will Work For Your Benefit.

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

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