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You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

-Ambrose Bierce

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You Can Effect A

Ambrose Bierce

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You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

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Mythology, N. The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.

A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

Empty Wine Bottles Have A Bad Opinion Of Women.

Revolution, N. A Bursting Of The Boilers Which Usually Takes Place When The Safety Valve Of Public Discussion Is Closed.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine. Upon Nothing Has So Great And Diligent Ingenuity Been Brought To Bear In All Ages And In All Countries, Except The Most Uncivilized, As Upon The Invention Of Substitutes For Water. To Hold That This General Aversion To That Liquid Has No Basis In The Preservative Instinct Of The Race Is To Be Unscientific-and Without Science We Are As The Snakes And Toads.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Portuguese, N.pl. A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal. They Are Mostly Without Feathers And Imperfectly Edible, Even When Stuffed With Garlic.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Inexpedient: Not Calculated To Advance One's Interests.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Weather, N. The Climate Of An Hour. A Permanent Topic Of Conversation Among Persons Whom It Does Not Interest, But Who Have Inherited The Tendency To Chatter About It From Naked Arboreal Ancestors Whom It Keenly Concerned. The Setting Up Of Official Weather Bureaus And Their Maintenance In Mendacity Prove That Even Governments Are Accessible To Suasion By The Rude Forefathers Of The Jungle.

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Happiness Has Not To All The Same Name: To Youth She Is Known As The Future; Age Knows Her As The Dream.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Blank-verse, N. Unrhymed Iambic Pentameters - The Most Difficult Kind Of English Verse To Write Acceptably; A Kind, Therefore, Much Affected By Those Who Cannot Acceptably Write Any Kind.

Scrap-book, N. A Book That Is Commonly Edited By A Fool. Many Persons Of Some Small Distinction Compile Scrap-books Containing Whatever They Happen To Read About Themselves Or Employ Others To Collect.

Duty - That Which Sternly Impels Us In The Direction Of Profit, Along The Line Of Desire.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Old, Adj. In That Stage Of Usefulness Which Is Not Inconsistent With General Inefficiency, As An "old Man". Discredited By Lapse Of Time And Offensive To The Popular Taste, As An "old" Book.

Disobedience, N. The Silver Lining To The Cloud Of Servitude.

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment. . . . The Substitution Of The Rule Of An Administration For That Of A Ministry, Whereby The Welfare And Happiness Of The People Were Advanced A Full Half-inch.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

An Election Is Nothing More Than The Advanced Auction Of Stolen Goods.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Mace, N. A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In Dissuading From Dissent.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Mine, Adj. Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.

Radium, N. A Mineral That Gives Off Heat And Stimulates The Organ That A Scientist Is A Fool With.

Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

An Appellate Court Which Reverses The Judgment Of A Popular Author's Contemporaries, The Appellant Being His Obscure Competitor.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.

Death Is Not The End. There Remains The Litigation Over The Estate.

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Yesterday, N. The Infancy Of Youth, The Youth Of Manhood, The Entire Past Of Age.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Hydra, N. A Kind Of Animal That The Ancients Catalogued Under Many Heads.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Rostrum, N. In Latin, The Beak Of A Bird Or The Prow Of A Ship. In America, A Place From Which A Candidate For Office Energetically Expounds The Wisdom, Virtue And Power Of The Rabble.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Male, A Member Of The Unconsidered Or Negligible Gender. The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known To The Female As Mere Man. The Genus Has Two Varieties: Good Providers And Bad Providers.

Monosyllabic, Adj. Composed Of Words Of One Syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - That Is To Say, Words Of A Barbarous People Destitute Of Ideas And Incapable Of Any But The Most Elementary Sentiments And Emotions.

Proof, N. Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of Unlikelihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses As Opposed To That Of Only One.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

A Rabbit's Foot May Bring Good Luck To You, But It Brought None To The Rabbit.

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Lickspittle, N. A Useful Functionary, Not Infrequently Found Editing A Newspaper . . . The Lickspittle Is Only The Blackmailer Under Another Aspect, Although The Latter Is Frequently Found As An Independent Species.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Don't Steal; Thou'lt Never Thus Compete Successfully In Business. Cheat.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Life, N. A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay. We Live In Daily Apprehension Of Its Loss; Yet When Lost It Is Not Missed.

When You Doubt, Abstain.

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance. A Moving Line Called The Present Parts It From An Imaginary Period Known As The Future. These Two Grand Divisions Of Eternity, Of Which The One Is Continually Effacing The Other, Are Entirely Unlike. The One Is Dark With Sorrow And Disappointment, The Other Bright With Prosperity And Joy.... Yet The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One-the Knowledge And The Dream.

Hatred, N. A Sentiment Appropriate To The Occasion Of Another's Superiority.

Pie, N. An Advance Agent Of The Reaper Whose Name Is Indigestion.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

War Is God's Way Of Teaching Americans Geography.

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

All Are Lunatics, But He Who Can Analyze His Delusions Is Called A Philosopher.

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Disabuse, V.t. To Present Your Neighbor With Another And Better Error Than The One Which He Has Deemed Advantageous To Embrace.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.

Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Poverty, N. A File Provided For The Teeth Of The Rats Of Reform. Its Victims Are Distinguished By Possession Of All The Virtues And By Their Faith In Leaders Seeking To Conduct Them Into A Prosperity Where They Believe These To Be Unknown.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Christian - One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ Insofar As They Are Not Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Sabbath - A Weekly Festival Having Its Origin In The Fact That God Made The World In Six Days And Was Arrested On The Seventh.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Doubt Is The Father Of Invention.

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Amnesty, N. The State's Magnanimity To Those Offenders Whom It Would Be Too Expensive To Punish.

Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.

Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Entertainment, N. Any Kind Of Amusement Whose Inroads Stop Short Of Death By Injection.

As Records Of Courts And Justice Are Admissible, It Can Easily Be Proved That Powerful And Malevolent Magicians Once Existed And Were A Scourge To Mankind. The Evidence (including Confession) Upon Which Certain Women Were Convicted Of Witchcraft And Executed Was Without A Flaw; It Is Still Unimpeachable. The Judges' Decisions Based On It Were Sound In Logic And In Law. Nothing In Any Existing Court Was Ever More Thoroughly Proved Than The Charges Of Witchcraft And Sorcery For Which So Many Suffered Death. If There Were No Witches, Human Testimony And Human Reason Are Alike Destitute Of Value.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.

Female, N. One Of The Opposing, Or Unfair, Sex.

Magnitude, N. Size [that Is] Purely Relative. If Everything In The Universe Were Increased 1,000 Diameters Nothing Would Be Any Larger Than It Was Before, But If One Thing Remain Unchanged All The Others Would Be Larger Than They Had Been.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Plague, N. In Ancient Times A General Punishment Of The Innocent For Admonition Of Their Ruler, As In The Familiar Instance Of Pharaoh The Immune. The Plague Today . . . Is Merely Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

God Alone Knows The Future, But Only An Historian Can Alter The Past.

Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.

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