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Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Notoriety, N. The Fame

Ambrose Bierce

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Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

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Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Brain, V. [as In "to Brain"]: To Rebuke Bluntly, But Not Pointedly; To Dispel A Source Of Error In An Opponent.

Democracy Is Four Wolves And A Lamb Voting On What To Have For Lunch.

Democracies Have

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Preference, N. A Sentiment, Or Frame Of Mind, Induced By The Erroneous Belief That One Thing Is Better Than Another.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

The Senate Is A Body Of Old Men Charged With High Duties And Misdemeanors.

Nobleman, N. Nature's Provision For Wealthy American Minds Ambitious To Incur Social Distinction And Suffer High Life.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Hatred, N. A Sentiment Appropriate To The Occasion Of Another's Superiority.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Bride: A Woman With A Fine Prospect Of Happiness Behind Her.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.

Non-combatant, N. A Dead Quaker.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Opportunity: A Favorable Occasion For Grasping A Disappointment.

Oratory, N. A Conspiracy Between Speech And Action To Cheat The Understanding. A Tyranny Tempered By Stenography.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Compromise, N. Such An Adjustment Of Conflicting Interests As Gives Each Adversary The Satisfaction Of Thinking He Has Got What He Ought Not To Have, And Is Deprived Of Nothing Except What Was Justly His Due.

Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition. 'i Was In The Drawing-room, Enjoying My Dinner,' Said Brillat-savarin, Beginning An Anecdote. 'what!' Interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating Dinner In A Drawing-room?' 'i Must Beg You To Observe, Monsieur,' Explained The Great Gastronome, 'that I Did Not Say I Was Eating My Dinner, But Enjoying It. I Had Dined An Hour Before.'

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Advice: The Suggestions You Give Someone Else Which You Hope Will Work For Your Benefit.

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

Hope Is An Explorer Who Surveys The Country Ahead. That Is Why We Know So Much About The Hereafter And So Little About The Heretofore.

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

The Liberality Of One Who Has Much, In Permitting One Who Has Nothing To Get All That He Can.

As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .

Physician, N. One Upon Whom We Set Our Hopes When Ill And Our Dogs When Well.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

An Immaterial But Visible Being That Inhabited The Air When The Air Was An Element And Before It Was Fatally Polluted With Factory Smoke, Sewer Gas And Similar Products Of Civilization.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Monsignor- A High Ecclesiastical Title, Of Which The Founder Of Our Religion Overlooked The Advantages.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Zeus /n./ The Chief Of Grecian Gods, Adored By The Romans As Jupiter And By The Modern Americans As God, Gold, Mob And Dog.

Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.

A Bad Marriage Is Like An Electrical Thrilling Machine: It Makes You Dance, But You Can't Let Go.

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Rimer, N. A Poet Regarded With Indifference Or Disesteem.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Be As Decent As You Can. Don't Believe Without Evidence. Treat Things Divine With Marked Respect — Don't Have Anything To Do With Them. Do Not Trust Humanity Without Collateral Security; It Will Play You Some Scurvy Trick. Remember That It Hurts No One To Be Treated As An Enemy Entitled To Respect Until He Shall Prove Himself A Friend Worthy Of Affection. Cultivate A Taste For Distasteful Truths. And, Finally, Most Important Of All, Endeavor To See Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Nothing Is More Logical Than Persecution. Religious Tolerance Is A Kind Of Infidelity.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

President, N. The Leading Figure In A Small Group Of Men Of Whom - And Of Whom Only - It Is Positively Known That Immense Numbers Of Their Countrymen Did Not Want Any Of Them For President.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

Consult: To Seek Approval For A Course Of Action Already Decided Upon.

Spooker, N. A Writer Whose Imagination Concerns Itself With Supernatural Phenomena, Especially In The Doings Of Spooks.

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

The Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses.

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance. A Moving Line Called The Present Parts It From An Imaginary Period Known As The Future. These Two Grand Divisions Of Eternity, Of Which The One Is Continually Effacing The Other, Are Entirely Unlike. The One Is Dark With Sorrow And Disappointment, The Other Bright With Prosperity And Joy.... Yet The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One-the Knowledge And The Dream.

Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

Homoeopathy, N. A School Of Medicine Midway Between Allopathy And Christian Science. To The Last Both The Others Are Distinctly Inferior, For Christian Science Will Cure Imaginary Diseases, And They Can Not.

Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Proof, N. Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of Unlikelihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses As Opposed To That Of Only One.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

We Hold These Truths To Be Self-evident: That All Men Are Created Equal; That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Inalienable Rights; That Among These Are Life, And The Right To Make That Of Another Miserable By Thrusting Upon Him An Incalculable Quantity Of Acquaintances; Liberty, Particularly The Liberty To Introduce Persons To One Another Without First Ascertaining If They Are Not Already Acquainted As Enemies; And The Pursuit Of Another's Happiness With A Running Pack Of Strangers.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Laocoon, N. A Famous Piece Of Antique Scripture Representing A Priest Of That Name And His Two Sons In The Folds Of Two Enormous Serpents. The Skill And Diligence With Which The Old Man And Lads Support The Serpents And Keep Them Up To Their Work Have Been Justly Regarded As One Of The Noblest Artistic Illustrations Of The Mastery Of Human Intelligence Over Brute Inertia.

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Genius - To Know Without Having Learned; To Draw Just Conclusions From Unknown Premises; To Discern The Soul Of Things.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Temporary Insanity

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Exhort, V.t. In Religious Affairs, To Put The Conscience Of Another Upon The Spit And Roast It To A Nut-brown Discomfort.

Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Hybrid, N. A Pooled Issue.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

Example Is Better Than Following It.

Piracy, N. Commerce Without Its Folly-swaddles, Just As God Made It.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Rascality, N. Stupidity Militant. The Activity Of A Clouded Intellect.

It Has Been Observed That One's Nose Is Never So Happy As When Thrust Into The Affairs Of Others From Which Some Physiologists Have Drawn The Inference That The Nose Is Devoid Of The Sense Of Smell.

New York Is Too Strenuous For Me; It Gets On My Nerves.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Arsenic, N. A Kind Of Cosmetic Greatly Affected By The Ladies, Whom It Greatly Affects In Turn.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Reading, N. The General Body Of What One Reads. In Our Country It Consists, As A Rule, Of Indiana Novels, Short Stories In "dialect" And Humor In Slang.

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

I Was Born To Poor Because Of Honest Parents.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Projectile, N. The Final Arbiter In International Disputes. With The Growth Of Prudence In Military Affairs The Projectile Came More And More Into Favor, And Is Now Held In High Esteem By The Most Courageous.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Self-restraint Is Indulgence Of The Propensity To Forgo.

Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.

Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

He Who Thinks With Difficulty Believes With Alacrity.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Life, N. A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay. We Live In Daily Apprehension Of Its Loss; Yet When Lost It Is Not Missed.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

Convent - A Place Of Retirement For Women Who Wish For Leisure To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Idleness.

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