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The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

-Ambrose Bierce

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The Fact That Boys

Ambrose Bierce

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The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

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Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Crayfish, N. A Small Crustacean Very Much Resembling The Lobster, But Less Indigestible.

Improvidence, N. Provision For The Needs Of To-day From The Revenues Of To-morrow.

Preference, N. A Sentiment, Or Frame Of Mind, Induced By The Erroneous Belief That One Thing Is Better Than Another.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.

Delusion, N. The Father Of A Most Respectable Family, Comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity And Many Other Goodly Sons And Daughters.

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

Mausoleum, N: The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

A Less Popular Name For The Second Person Of That Delectable Newspaper Trinity, The Roomer, The Bedder, And The Mealer.

Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Truce, N. Friendship.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

The Hardest Tumble A Man Can Make Is To Fall Over His Own Bluff.

Epigram, N. A Short, Sharp Saying In Prose Or Verse, Frequently Characterize By Acidity Or Acerbity And Sometimes By Wisdom.

Revolution, N. A Bursting Of The Boilers Which Usually Takes Place When The Safety Valve Of Public Discussion Is Closed.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Temporary Insanity

They Say That Hens Do Cackle Loudest When There Is Nothing Vital In The Eggs They Have Laid.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Logic: The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding.

You Are Not Permitted To Kill A Woman Who Has Wronged You, But Nothing Forbids You To Reflect That She Is Growing Older Every Minute.

Majesty, N. The State And Title Of A King. Regarded With A Just Contempt By The Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees And Imperial Potentates Of The Ancient And Honorable Orders Of Republican America.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Patriot, N. One To Whom The Interests Of A Part Seem Superior To Those Of The Whole. The Dupe Of Statesmen And The Tool Of Conquerors.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Organizes.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

Turkey: A Large Bird Whose Flesh, When Eaten On Certain Religious Anniversaries Has The Peculiar Property Of Attesting Piety And Gratitude.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Aim, N. The Task We Set Our Wishes To.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

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Joss-sticks- Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery, In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.

A Lottery Is A Tax On Stupidity.

Monsignor- A High Ecclesiastical Title, Of Which The Founder Of Our Religion Overlooked The Advantages.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Monosyllabic, Adj. Composed Of Words Of One Syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - That Is To Say, Words Of A Barbarous People Destitute Of Ideas And Incapable Of Any But The Most Elementary Sentiments And Emotions.

Gout, A Physician's Name For The Rheumatism Of A Rich Patient

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.

All Are Lunatics, But He Who Can Analyze His Delusions Is Called A Philosopher.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Me, Pro. The Objectionable Case Of I. The Personal Pronoun In English Has Three Cases, The Dominative, The Objectionable And The Oppressive. Each Is All Three.

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Eccentricity, N. A Method Of Distinction So Cheap That Fools Employ It To Accentuate Their Incapacity.

Peripatetic, Adj. Walking About. Relating To The Philosophy Of Aristotle, Who, While Expounding It, Moved From Place To Place In Order To Avoid His Pupil's Objections. A Needless Precaution - They Knew No More Of The Matter Than He.

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Hash, X. There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is. Famous, Adj. Conspicuously Miserable. Dictionary, N. A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic. This Dictionary, However, Is A Most Useful Work.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Admiral. That Part Of A Warship Which Does The Talking While The Figurehead Does The Thinking.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Eucharist, N. A Sacred Feast Of The Religious Sect Of Theophagi. A Dispute Once Unhappily Arose Among The Members Of This Sect As To What It Was That They Ate. In This Controversy Some Five Hundred Thousand Have Already Been Slain, And The Question Is Still Unsettled.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Telephone, N. An Invention Of The Devil Which Abrogates Some Of The Advantages Of Making A Disagreeable Person Keep His Distance.

Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.

Characteristics

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Obsolete, Adj. No Longer Used By The Timid. Said Chiefly Of Words. A Word Which Some Lexicographer Has Marked Obsolete Is Ever Thereafter An Object Of Dread And Loathing To The Fool Writer . . .

The Partisan Strife In Which The People Of The Country Are Permitted To Periodically Engage Does Not Tend To The Development Of Ugly Traits Of Character, But Merely Discloses Those That Preexist.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Ribaldry, N. Censorious Language By Another Concerning Oneself.

Age Is Provident Because The Less Future We Have The More We Fear It.

Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

Quorum, N. A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The U.s. Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Monarch, N. A Person Engaged In Reigning. Formerly The Monarch Ruled, As The Derivation Of The Word Attests, And As Many Subjects Have Had Occasion To Learn.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

There's No Free Will," Says The Philosopher; "to Hang Is Most Unjust." "there Is No Free Will," Assents The Officer; "we Hang Because We Must.

We Submit To The Majority Because We Have To. But We Are Not Compelled To Call Our Attitude Of Subjection A Posture Of Respect.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Commendation N. The Tribute That We Pay To Achievements That Resembles But Do Not Equal Our Own.

The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

We Hold These Truths To Be Self-evident: That All Men Are Created Equal; That They Are Endowed By Their Creator With Certain Inalienable Rights; That Among These Are Life, And The Right To Make That Of Another Miserable By Thrusting Upon Him An Incalculable Quantity Of Acquaintances; Liberty, Particularly The Liberty To Introduce Persons To One Another Without First Ascertaining If They Are Not Already Acquainted As Enemies; And The Pursuit Of Another's Happiness With A Running Pack Of Strangers.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Sacerdotalist, N. One Who Holds The Belief That A Clergyman Is A Priest. Denial Of This Momentous Doctrine Is The Hardest Challenge That Is Now Flung Into The Teeth Of The Episcopalian Church By The Neo-dictionarians.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Life, N. A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay. We Live In Daily Apprehension Of Its Loss; Yet When Lost It Is Not Missed.

Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

Democracy Is Four Wolves And A Lamb Voting On What To Have For Lunch.

Democracies Have

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.

The Most Affectionate Creature In The World Is A Wet Dog.

Cat: A Soft Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.

Guillotine, N. A Machine Which Makes A Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders With Good Reason.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Reason, V.i. To Weight Probabilities In The Scales Of Desire.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.

Responsibility, N. A Detachable Burden Easily Shifted To The Shoulders Of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck Or One's Neighbor. In The Days Of Astrology It Was Customary To Unload It Upon A Star.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

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