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Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To

Ambrose Bierce

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Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

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Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

Damning, With Bell, Book And Candle / Some Sinner Whose Opinions Are A Scandal. / A Rite Permitting Satan To Enslave Him / Forever, And Forbidding Christ To Save Him.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

A Less Popular Name For The Second Person Of That Delectable Newspaper Trinity, The Roomer, The Bedder, And The Mealer.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Monosyllabic, Adj. Composed Of Words Of One Syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - That Is To Say, Words Of A Barbarous People Destitute Of Ideas And Incapable Of Any But The Most Elementary Sentiments And Emotions.

Lickspittle, N. A Useful Functionary, Not Infrequently Found Editing A Newspaper . . . The Lickspittle Is Only The Blackmailer Under Another Aspect, Although The Latter Is Frequently Found As An Independent Species.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

The Senate Is A Body Of Old Men Charged With High Duties And Misdemeanors.

As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.

Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.

Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Prehistoric, Adj. Belonging To An Early Period And A Museum. Antedating The Art And Practice Of Perpetuating Falsehood.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Acknowledge, V.t. To Confess. Acknowledgment Of One Another's Faults Is The Highest Duty Imposed By Our Love Of Truth.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.

Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Inexpedient: Not Calculated To Advance One's Interests.

Disobey N:to Celebrate With An Appropriate Ceremony The Maturity Of A Command

Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.

Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Nobleman, N. Nature's Provision For Wealthy American Minds Ambitious To Incur Social Distinction And Suffer High Life.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Neighbor, N. One Whom We Are Commanded To Love As Ourselves, And Who Does All He Knows How To Make Us Disobedient.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

Abstainer: A Weak Person Who Yields To The Temptation Of Denying Himself A Pleasure.

I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Nonsense, N. The Objections That Are Urged Against This Excellent Dictionary.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.

The Palmist Looks At The Wrinkles Made By Closing The Hand And Says They Signify Character. The Philosopher Reads Character By What The Hand Most Loves To Close Upon.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

President, N. The Leading Figure In A Small Group Of Men Of Whom - And Of Whom Only - It Is Positively Known That Immense Numbers Of Their Countrymen Did Not Want Any Of Them For President.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Idiot, N. A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.

Satiety, N. The Feeling That One Has For The Plate After He Has Eaten Its Contents, Madam.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Discriminate, V.i. To Note The Particulars In Which One Person Or Thing Is, If Possible, More Objectionable Than Another.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

To Be Comic Is Merely To Be Playful, But Wit Is A Serious Matter. To Laugh At It Is To Confess That You Do Not Understand.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Plagiarism, N. A Literary Coincidence Compounded Of A Discreditable Priority And An Honorable Subsequence.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.

Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

An Auctioneer Is A Man Who Proclaims With A Hammer That He Has Picked A Pocket With His Tongue.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Female, N. One Of The Opposing, Or Unfair, Sex.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Democracy Is Defended In 3 Stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Old, Adj. In That Stage Of Usefulness Which Is Not Inconsistent With General Inefficiency, As An "old Man". Discredited By Lapse Of Time And Offensive To The Popular Taste, As An "old" Book.

Male, A Member Of The Unconsidered Or Negligible Gender. The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known To The Female As Mere Man. The Genus Has Two Varieties: Good Providers And Bad Providers.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Mythology, N. The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Cat: A Soft Indestructible Automaton Provided By Nature To Be Kicked When Things Go Wrong In The Domestic Circle.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Yesterday, N. The Infancy Of Youth, The Youth Of Manhood, The Entire Past Of Age.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Injustice, N. A Burden Which Of All Those That We Load Upon Others And Carry Ourselves Is Lightest In The Hands And Heaviest Upon The Back.

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Miss, N. A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense. Two Are Corruptions Of Mistress, The Other Of Master. In The General Abolition Of Social Titles In This Our Country They Miraculously Escaped To Plague Us. If We Must Have Them Let Us Be Consistent And Give One To The Unmarried Man. I Venture To Suggest Mush, Abbreviated To Mh.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.

Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain. Its Chief Activity Consists In The Endeavour To Ascertain Its Own Nature, The Futility Of The Attempt Being Due To The Fact That It Has Nothing But Itself To Know Itself With.

The Most Affectionate Creature In The World Is A Wet Dog.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

The Most Intolerant Advocate Is He Who Is Trying To Convince Himself.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

A Rabbit's Foot May Bring Good Luck To You, But It Brought None To The Rabbit.

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

History Is An Account, Mostly False, Of Events, Mostly Unimportant, Which Are Brought About By Rulers, Mostly Knaves, And Soldiers, Mostly Fools.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

Arsenic, N. A Kind Of Cosmetic Greatly Affected By The Ladies, Whom It Greatly Affects In Turn.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .

Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

Plenipotentiary, Adj. Having Full Power. A Minister Plenipotentiary Is A Diplomatist Possessing Absolute Authority On Condition That He Never Exert It.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Every Patriot Believes His Country Better Than Any Other Country . . . In Its Active Manifestation-it Is Fond Of Killing-patriotism Would Be Well Enough If It Were Simply Defensive, But It Is Also Aggressive . . . Patriotism Deliberately And With Folly Aforethought Subordinates The Interests Of A Whole To The Interests Of A Part . . . Patriotism Is Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave And Blind As A Stone.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

Mine, Adj. Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

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