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As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

-Ambrose Bierce

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As A Means Of

Ambrose Bierce

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As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

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Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

Politics: A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Ovation, N. N Ancient Rome, A Definite, Formal Pageant In Honor Of One Who Had Been Disserviceable To The Enemies Of The Nation. A Lesser "triumph."

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Convent - A Place Of Retirement For Women Who Wish For Leisure To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Idleness.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Doubt Is The Father Of Invention.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Platitude, N. The Fundamental Element And Special Glory Of Popular Literature. A Thought That Snores In Words That Smoke. All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth. A Jelly-fish Withering On The Shore Of The Sea Of Thought. A Desiccated Epigram.

Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.

Respite, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities Against A Sentenced Assassin, To Enable The Executive To Determine Whether The Murder May Not Have Been Done By The Prosecuting Attorney. Any Break In The Continuity Of A Disagreeable Expectation.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Ambidextrous, Adj.: Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-hand Pocket Or A Left.

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Vituperation, N. Saite, As Understood By Dunces And All Such As Suffer From An Impediment In Their Wit.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Battle, N., A Method Of Untying With The Teeth A Political Knot That Would Not Yield To The Tongue.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Presbyterian, N. One Who Holds The Conviction That The Government Authorities Of The Church Should Be Called Presbyters.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Nominee. A Modest Gentleman Shrinking From The Distinction Of Private Life And Diligently Seeking The Honorable Obscurity Of Public Office.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

Magnitude, N. Size [that Is] Purely Relative. If Everything In The Universe Were Increased 1,000 Diameters Nothing Would Be Any Larger Than It Was Before, But If One Thing Remain Unchanged All The Others Would Be Larger Than They Had Been.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Advice: The Suggestions You Give Someone Else Which You Hope Will Work For Your Benefit.

Opportunity: A Favorable Occasion For Grasping A Disappointment.

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Bride: A Woman With A Fine Prospect Of Happiness Behind Her.

Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.

Redemption, N. Deliverance Of Sinners From The Penalty Of Their Sin, Through Their Murder Of The Deity Against Whom They Sinned . . . . Whoso Believeth In It Shall Not Perish, But Have Everlasting Life In Which To Try To Understand It.

Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Noise: A Stench In The Ear.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

Cribbage, N. A Substitute For Conversation Among Those To Whom Nature Has Denied Ideas.

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Intolerance Is Natural And Logical, For In Every Dissenting Opinion Lies An Assumption Of Superior Wisdom.

The Partisan Strife In Which The People Of The Country Are Permitted To Periodically Engage Does Not Tend To The Development Of Ugly Traits Of Character, But Merely Discloses Those That Preexist.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

Diagnosis, N. A Physician's Forecast Of Disease By The Patient's Pulse And Purse.

Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Repartee, N. Prudent Insult In Retort. Practiced By Gentlemen With A Constitutional Aversion To Violence, But A Strong Disposition To Offend. In A War Of Words, The Tactics Of The North American Indian.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance. Discovery Of Truth Is The Sole Purpose Of Philosophy, Which Is The Most Ancient Occupation Of The Human Mind And Has A Fair Prospect Of Existing With Increasing Activity To The End Of Time.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

You Are Not Permitted To Kill A Woman Who Has Wronged You, But Nothing Forbids You To Reflect That She Is Growing Older Every Minute.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

Duty - That Which Sternly Impels Us In The Direction Of Profit, Along The Line Of Desire.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.

Characteristics

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Neighbor, N. One Whom We Are Commanded To Love As Ourselves, And Who Does All He Knows How To Make Us Disobedient.

Satire, N. An Obsolete Kind Of Literary Composition In Which The Vices And Follies Of The Author's Enemies Were Expounded With Imperfect Tenderness.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Compromise, N. Such An Adjustment Of Conflicting Interests As Gives Each Adversary The Satisfaction Of Thinking He Has Got What He Ought Not To Have, And Is Deprived Of Nothing Except What Was Justly His Due.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Gout, A Physician's Name For The Rheumatism Of A Rich Patient

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Amnesty, N. The State's Magnanimity To Those Offenders Whom It Would Be Too Expensive To Punish.

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Prospect, N. An Outlook, Usually Forbidding. An Expectation, Usually Forbidden.

Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."

Adage, N. Boned Wisdom For Weak Teeth.

Curiosity, N. An Objectionable Quality Of The Female Mind. The Desire To Know Whether Or Not A Woman Is Cursed With Curiosity Is One Of The Most Active And Insatiable Passions Of The Masculine Soul.

Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.

Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain. Its Chief Activity Consists In The Endeavour To Ascertain Its Own Nature, The Futility Of The Attempt Being Due To The Fact That It Has Nothing But Itself To Know Itself With.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

It Has Been Observed That One's Nose Is Never So Happy As When Thrust Into The Affairs Of Others From Which Some Physiologists Have Drawn The Inference That The Nose Is Devoid Of The Sense Of Smell.

Forgetfulness - A Gift Of God Bestowed Upon Debtors In Compensation For Their Destitution Of Conscience.

Self-restraint Is Indulgence Of The Propensity To Forgo.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Cartesian, Adj. Relating To Descartes, Author Of 'cogito Ergo Sum' To Demonstrate The Reality Of Human Existence. The Dictum Might Be Improved 'cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum' 'i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am' As Close An Approach.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Adolescence: A Stage Between Infancy And Adultery.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

Indiscretion, N. The Guilt Of Woman.

A Comely Female Inhabiting The Mohammedan Paradise To Make Things Cheery For The Good Mussulman, Whose Belief In Her Existence Marks A Noble Discontent With His Earthly Spouse, Whom He Denies A Soul.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.

Intention, N. The Mind's Sense Of The Prevalence Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set; An Effect Whose Cause Is The Imminence, Immediate Or Remote, Of The Performance Of An Involuntary Act.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

Pre-adamite, N. One Of An Experimental And Apparently Unsatisfactory Race Of Antedated Creation. . . . Little Its Known Of Them Beyond The Fact That They Supplied Cain With A Wife And Theologians With A Controversy.

Rarebit N. A Welsh Rabbit, In The Speech Of The Humorless, Who Point Out That It Is Not A Rabbit. To Whom It May Be Solemnly Explained That The Comestible Known As Toad-in-a-hole Is Really Not A Toad, And That Riz-de-veau à La Financière Is Not The Smile Of A Calf Prepared After The Recipe Of A She Banker.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Rewards And Recognition

Epitaph: An Inscription On A Tomb Showing That Virtues Acquired By Death Have A Retroactive Effect.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Honorable, Adj.: Afflicted With An Impediment In One's Reach. In Legislative Bodies, It Is Customary To Mention All Members As Honorable; As, "the Honorable Gentleman Is A Scurvy Cur.".

Cynicism Is That Blackguard Defect Of Vision Which Compels Us To See The World As It Is, Instead Of As It Should Be.

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