Background Image

...

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Hippogriff, N. An Animal

Ambrose Bierce

...

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Views: 56603

Topic

More From Ambrose Bierce

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Mine, Adj. Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Centaur, N. One Of A Race Of Persons Who Lived Before The Division Of Labor Had Been Carried To Such A Pitch Of Differentiation, And Who Followed The Primitive Economic Maxim, "every Man His Own Horse."

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.

A Single Swallow, It Is Said, Devours Ten Millions Of Insects Every Year. The Supplying Of These Insects I Take To Be A Signal Instance Of The Creator's Bounty In Providing For The Lives Of His Creatures.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Rewards And Recognition

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.

Fiddle, N. An Instrument To Tickle Human Ears By Friction Of A Horse's Tail On The Entrails Of A Cat.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Age - That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That Remain By Reviling Those We Have No Longer The Vigor To Commit.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

True, More Than A Half Of The Green Graves In The Grafton Cemetery Are Marked "unknown," And Sometimes It Occurs That One Thinks Of The Contradiction Involved In "honoring The Memory" Of Him Of Whom No Memory Remains To Honor; But The Attempt Seems To Do No Great Harm To The Living, Even To The Logical.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment. . . . The Substitution Of The Rule Of An Administration For That Of A Ministry, Whereby The Welfare And Happiness Of The People Were Advanced A Full Half-inch.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Apothecary, N. The Physician's Accomplice, Undertaker's Benefactor And Grave Worm's Provider

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

A Less Popular Name For The Second Person Of That Delectable Newspaper Trinity, The Roomer, The Bedder, And The Mealer.

Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition. Its Origin Is Related By The Ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape As "one Day A Wag - What Would The Wretch Be At? Shifted A Letter Of The Cipher Rat, And Said It Was A God's Name! . . ."

April Fool, N. The March Fool With Another Month Added To His Folly.

Spooker, N. A Writer Whose Imagination Concerns Itself With Supernatural Phenomena, Especially In The Doings Of Spooks.

Diplomacy, N.: The Patriotic Art Of Lying For One's Country.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Hash, X. There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is. Famous, Adj. Conspicuously Miserable. Dictionary, N. A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic. This Dictionary, However, Is A Most Useful Work.

Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

Mugwump, N. In Politics One Afflicted With Self-respect And Addicted To The Vice Of Independence. A Term Of Contempt.

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Accomplice, N. One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Fee For Assenting.

Curiosity, N. An Objectionable Quality Of The Female Mind. The Desire To Know Whether Or Not A Woman Is Cursed With Curiosity Is One Of The Most Active And Insatiable Passions Of The Masculine Soul.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

What This Country Needs What Every Country Needs Occasionally Is A Good Hard Bloody War To Revive The Vice Of Patriotism On Which Its Existence As A Nation Depends.

Congress, N. A Body Of Men Who Meet To Repeal Laws.

Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Piano, N. A Parlor Utensil For Subduing The Impenitent Visitor. It Is Operated By Depressing The Keys Of The Machine And The Spirits Of The Audience.

A Man Who Piously Shuts Himself Up To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Wickedness And To Keep It Fresh In His Mind Joins A Brotherhood Of Awful Examples.

Immoral" Is The Judgment Of The Stalled Ox On The Gamboling Lamb.

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Replica, N. A Reproduction Of A Work Of Art, By The Artist That Made The Original. It Is So Called To Distinguish It From A "copy," Which Is Made By Another Artist. When The Two Are Mae With Equal Skill The Replica Is The More Valuable, For It Is Suppose

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Serial, N. A Literary Work, Usually A Story That Is Not True, Creeping Through Several Issues Of A Newspaper Or Magazine.

Molecule, N.: The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter. It Is Distinguished From The Corpuscle, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter, By A Closer Resemblance To The Atom, Also The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter ... The Ion Differs From The Molecule, The Corpuscle And The Atom In That It Is An Ion.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Discriminate, V.i. To Note The Particulars In Which One Person Or Thing Is, If Possible, More Objectionable Than Another.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Lottery: A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Blank-verse, N. Unrhymed Iambic Pentameters - The Most Difficult Kind Of English Verse To Write Acceptably; A Kind, Therefore, Much Affected By Those Who Cannot Acceptably Write Any Kind.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."

Zeus /n./ The Chief Of Grecian Gods, Adored By The Romans As Jupiter And By The Modern Americans As God, Gold, Mob And Dog.

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

Be As Decent As You Can. Don't Believe Without Evidence. Treat Things Divine With Marked Respect — Don't Have Anything To Do With Them. Do Not Trust Humanity Without Collateral Security; It Will Play You Some Scurvy Trick. Remember That It Hurts No One To Be Treated As An Enemy Entitled To Respect Until He Shall Prove Himself A Friend Worthy Of Affection. Cultivate A Taste For Distasteful Truths. And, Finally, Most Important Of All, Endeavor To See Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

War: A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Plagiarism, N. A Literary Coincidence Compounded Of A Discreditable Priority And An Honorable Subsequence.

Patience, N. A Minor Form Of Dispair, Disguised As A Virtue.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

Hail, High Excess Especially In Wine, To Thee In Worship Do I Bend The Knee Who Preach Abstemiousness Unto Me My Skull Thy Pulpit, As My Paunch Thy Shrine. Precept On Precept, Aye, And Line On Line, Could Ne'er Persuade So Sweetly To Agree With Reason As Thy Touch, Exact And Free, Upon My Forehead And Along My Spine. At Thy Command Eschewing Pleasure's Cup, With The Hot Grape I Warm No More My Wit; When On Thy Stool Of Penitence I Sit I'm Quite Converted, For I Can't Get Up. Ungrateful He Who Afterward Would Falter To Make New Sacrifices At Thine Altar!

Physician, N. One Upon Whom We Set Our Hopes When Ill And Our Dogs When Well.

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Absence Blots People Out. We Really Have No Absent Friends.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Opportunity: A Favorable Occasion For Grasping A Disappointment.

There's No Free Will," Says The Philosopher; "to Hang Is Most Unjust." "there Is No Free Will," Assents The Officer; "we Hang Because We Must.

Evangelist, N. A Bearer Of Good Tidings, Particularly (in A Religious Sense) Such As Assure Us Of Our Own Salvation And The Damnation Of Our Neighbors.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Homo Creator's Testimony To The Sound Construction And Fine Finish Of Deus Creatus. A Popular Form Of Abjection, Having An Element Of Pride.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Ambidextrous, Adj.: Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-hand Pocket Or A Left.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Least.

Minister, N. An Agent Of A Higher Power With A Lower Responsibility. In Diplomacy, An Officer Sent Into A Foreign Country As The Visible Embodiment Of His Sovereign's Hostility.

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Battle, N., A Method Of Untying With The Teeth A Political Knot That Would Not Yield To The Tongue.

Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Adage, N. Boned Wisdom For Weak Teeth.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

Platitude, N. The Fundamental Element And Special Glory Of Popular Literature. A Thought That Snores In Words That Smoke. All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth. A Jelly-fish Withering On The Shore Of The Sea Of Thought. A Desiccated Epigram.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Technicality, N. In An English Court A Man Named Home Was Tried For Slander In Having Accused His Neighbor Of Murder. His Exact Words Were: "sir Thomas Holt Hath Taken A Cleaver And Stricken His Cook Upon The Head, So That One Side Of The Head Fell Upon One Shoulder And The Other Side Upon The Other Shoulder." The Defendant Was Acquitted By Instruction Of The Court, The Learned Judges Holding That The Words Did Not Charge Murder, For They Did Not Affirm The Death Of The Cook, That Being Only An Inference.

Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

An Auctioneer Is A Man Who Proclaims With A Hammer That He Has Picked A Pocket With His Tongue.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.

Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.

Joss-sticks- Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery, In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Trending Author

Mike Krzyzewski

Robert Anderson

Francesca Annis

Michael Patrick King

Category