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Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Infalapsarian, N. One Who

Ambrose Bierce

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Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

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Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Infidel, N. In New York, One Who Does Not Believe In The Christian Religion; In Constantinople, One Who Does.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.

Guillotine, N. A Machine Which Makes A Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders With Good Reason.

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Intolerance Is Natural And Logical, For In Every Dissenting Opinion Lies An Assumption Of Superior Wisdom.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Monarch, N. A Person Engaged In Reigning. Formerly The Monarch Ruled, As The Derivation Of The Word Attests, And As Many Subjects Have Had Occasion To Learn.

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

Curiosity, N. An Objectionable Quality Of The Female Mind. The Desire To Know Whether Or Not A Woman Is Cursed With Curiosity Is One Of The Most Active And Insatiable Passions Of The Masculine Soul.

Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

An Appellate Court Which Reverses The Judgment Of A Popular Author's Contemporaries, The Appellant Being His Obscure Competitor.

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

The Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

Rarebit N. A Welsh Rabbit, In The Speech Of The Humorless, Who Point Out That It Is Not A Rabbit. To Whom It May Be Solemnly Explained That The Comestible Known As Toad-in-a-hole Is Really Not A Toad, And That Riz-de-veau à La Financière Is Not The Smile Of A Calf Prepared After The Recipe Of A She Banker.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

What Is Worth Doing Is Worth The Trouble Of Asking Somebody To Do It.

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

Palmistry, N. The 947th Method . . . Of Obtaining Money By False Pretences [by] "reading Character" In The Wrinkles [of] The Hand. The Pretence Is Not Altogether False. . . For The Wrinkles In Every Hand Submitted Plainly Spell The Word "dupe."

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Predestination, N. The Doctrine That All Things Occur According To Programme. . . . Not Be Confused With That Of Foreordination. The Difference Is Great Enough To Have Deluged Christendom With Ink, To Say Nothing Of The Gore.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.

To Bother About The Best Method Of Accomplishing An Accidental Result.

Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.

Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Legitimate Authority To Be, To Do Or To Have; As The Right To Be A King, The Right To Do One's Neighbor, The Right To Have Measles, And The Like.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

Theosophy, N. An Ancient Faith Having All The Certitude Of Religion And All The Mystery Of Science.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Good, Adj. Sensible, Madam, To The Worth Of This Present Writer. Alive, Sir, To The Advantages Of Letting Him Alone.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Compromise, N. Such An Adjustment Of Conflicting Interests As Gives Each Adversary The Satisfaction Of Thinking He Has Got What He Ought Not To Have, And Is Deprived Of Nothing Except What Was Justly His Due.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

The Covers Of This Book Are Too Far Apart.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Pleasure, N. The Least Hateful Form Of Dejection.

Hatred, N. A Sentiment Appropriate To The Occasion Of Another's Superiority.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

Evolutionary Biology Is Genuinely Scientific, But More Than That It Opens The Door To A World More Marvellous Than Any Christian Fundamentalist Has Ever Read Into The Pages Of The Bible.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.

Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Cemetery, N. An Isolated Suburban Spot Where Mourners Match Lies, Poets Write At A Target And Stone-cutters Spell For A Wager.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of A Remarkable Christian Forebearance Among Men.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Knowledge Is The Small Part Of Ignorance That We Arrange And Classify.

Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

To Be Comic Is Merely To Be Playful, But Wit Is A Serious Matter. To Laugh At It Is To Confess That You Do Not Understand.

Quorum, N. A Sufficient Number Of Members Of A Deliberative Body To Have Their Own Way And Their Own Way Of Having It. In The U.s. Senate A Quorum Consists Of The Chairman Of The Committee On Finance And A Messenger From The White House.

Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Corporation: An Ingenious Device For Obtaining Profit Without Individual Responsibility.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

Land: A Part Of The Earth's Surface, Considered As Property. The Theory That Land Is Property Subject To Private Ownership And Control Is The Foundation Of Modern Society, And Is Eminently Worthy Of The Superstructure.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.

Appeal. In Law, To Put The Dice Into The Box For Another Throw.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

Centaur, N. One Of A Race Of Persons Who Lived Before The Division Of Labor Had Been Carried To Such A Pitch Of Differentiation, And Who Followed The Primitive Economic Maxim, "every Man His Own Horse."

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted. By Most Writers The Invention Of Gunpowder Is Ascribed To The Chinese, But Not Upon Very Convincing Evidence. Milton Says It Was Invented By The Devil To Dispel Angels With, And This Opinion Seems To Derive Some Support From The Scarcity Of Angels.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Aborigines, N.: Persons Of Little Worth Found Cumbering The Soil Of A Newly Discovered Country. They Soon Cease To Cumber; They Fertilize.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Adolescence: The Stage Between Puberty And Adultery.

Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.

Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

Beauty, N: The Power By Which A Woman Charms A Lover And Terrifies A Husband.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Brandy, N. A Cordial Composed On One Part Thunder-and-lightning, One Part Remorse, Two Parts Bloody Murder, One Part Death-hell-and-the-grave And Four Parts Clarified Satan.

Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Clarinet N. An Instrument Of Torture Operated By A Person With Cotton In His Ears. There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet – Two Clarinets.

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

Piracy, N. Commerce Without Its Folly-swaddles, Just As God Made It.

Genius - To Know Without Having Learned; To Draw Just Conclusions From Unknown Premises; To Discern The Soul Of Things.

Technicality, N. In An English Court A Man Named Home Was Tried For Slander In Having Accused His Neighbor Of Murder. His Exact Words Were: "sir Thomas Holt Hath Taken A Cleaver And Stricken His Cook Upon The Head, So That One Side Of The Head Fell Upon One Shoulder And The Other Side Upon The Other Shoulder." The Defendant Was Acquitted By Instruction Of The Court, The Learned Judges Holding That The Words Did Not Charge Murder, For They Did Not Affirm The Death Of The Cook, That Being Only An Inference.

Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.

Doubt Is The Father Of Invention.

For Every Man There Is Something In The Vocabulary That Would Stick To Him Like A Second Skin. His Enemies Have Only To Find It.

Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.

Orthodox, N. An Ox Wearing The Popular Religious Joke.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Legacy, N. A Gift From One Who Is Legging It Out Of This Vale Of Tears.

In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

Christian - One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ Insofar As They Are Not Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Hope Is Desire And Expectation Rolled Into One.

Age Is Provident Because The Less Future We Have The More We Fear It.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Bath, N. A Kind Of Mystic Ceremony Substituted For Religious Worship, With What Spiritual Efficacy Has Not Been Determined.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Pantheism, N. The Doctrine That Everything Is God, In Contradistinction To The Doctrine That God Is Everything.

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

Riot – A Popular Entertainment Given To The Military By Innocent Bystanders.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

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