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Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Brain, N. An Apparatus

Ambrose Bierce

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Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

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Indifferent, Adj. Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

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An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance. Discovery Of Truth Is The Sole Purpose Of Philosophy, Which Is The Most Ancient Occupation Of The Human Mind And Has A Fair Prospect Of Existing With Increasing Activity To The End Of Time.

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Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

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Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Amnesty, N. The State's Magnanimity To Those Offenders Whom It Would Be Too Expensive To Punish.

Litigation: A Machine Which You Go Into As A Pig And Come Out Of As A Sausage.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London

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Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

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Beauty, N: The Power By Which A Woman Charms A Lover And Terrifies A Husband.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition. Its Origin Is Related By The Ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape As "one Day A Wag - What Would The Wretch Be At? Shifted A Letter Of The Cipher Rat, And Said It Was A God's Name! . . ."

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Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.

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Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

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Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

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A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

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Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

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Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

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An Immaterial But Visible Being That Inhabited The Air When The Air Was An Element And Before It Was Fatally Polluted With Factory Smoke, Sewer Gas And Similar Products Of Civilization.

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Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

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Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

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Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

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Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

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Monument, N. A Structure Intended To Commemorate Something Which Either Needs No Commemoration Or Cannot Be Commemorated.

Acquaintance. A Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

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Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

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Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

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Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

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Rattlesnake, N. Our Prostrate Brother, "homo Ventrambulans".

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Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

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Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

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Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

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Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

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Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.

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One Engaged In A Commercial Pursuit. A Commercial Pursuit Is One In Which The Thing Pursued Is A Dollar.

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Hope Is An Explorer Who Surveys The Country Ahead. That Is Why We Know So Much About The Hereafter And So Little About The Heretofore.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Pleonasm, N. An Army Of Words Escorting A Corporal Of Thought.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Technicality, N. In An English Court A Man Named Home Was Tried For Slander In Having Accused His Neighbor Of Murder. His Exact Words Were: "sir Thomas Holt Hath Taken A Cleaver And Stricken His Cook Upon The Head, So That One Side Of The Head Fell Upon One Shoulder And The Other Side Upon The Other Shoulder." The Defendant Was Acquitted By Instruction Of The Court, The Learned Judges Holding That The Words Did Not Charge Murder, For They Did Not Affirm The Death Of The Cook, That Being Only An Inference.

In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

The God Of The World's Leading Religion.

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

An Absolute Monarchy Is One In Which The Sovereign Does As He Pleases So Long As He Pleases The Assassins.

Advice, The Smallest Current Coin.

Platitude, N. The Fundamental Element And Special Glory Of Popular Literature. A Thought That Snores In Words That Smoke. All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth. A Jelly-fish Withering On The Shore Of The Sea Of Thought. A Desiccated Epigram.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Cynicism Is That Blackguard Defect Of Vision Which Compels Us To See The World As It Is, Instead Of As It Should Be.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

Mayonnaise: One Of The Sauces Which Serve The French In Place Of A State Religion.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

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