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The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

-Ambrose Bierce

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The Most Offensive Egotist

Ambrose Bierce

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The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

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Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Every Heart Is The Lair Of A Ferocious Animal. The Greatest Wrong That You Can Put Upon A Man Is To Provoke Him To Let Out His Beast.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Indifferent, Adj. Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Quixotic, Adj. Absurdly Chivalric, Like Don Quixote. An Insight Into The Beauty And Excellence Of This Incomparable Adjective Is Unhappily Denied To Him Who Has The Misfortune To Know That The Gentleman's Name Is Pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.

A Bad Marriage Is Like An Electrical Thrilling Machine: It Makes You Dance, But You Can't Let Go.

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Zigzag, V.t. To Move Forward Uncertainly, From Side To Side, As One Carrying The White Man's Burden.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

Syllogism, N. A Logical Formula Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Assumption And An Inconsequent.

Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.

Magnetism, N. Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definitions Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated The Subject With A Great White Light, To The Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.

Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.

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Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

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Truce, N. Friendship.

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Insurance - An Ingenious Modern Game Of Chance In Which The Player Is Permitted To Enjoy The Comfortable Conviction That He Is Beating The Man Who Keeps The Table.

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Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

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Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

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Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

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Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Nominee. A Modest Gentleman Shrinking From The Distinction Of Private Life And Diligently Seeking The Honorable Obscurity Of Public Office.

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The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

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Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

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If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

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Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

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Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

An Immaterial But Visible Being That Inhabited The Air When The Air Was An Element And Before It Was Fatally Polluted With Factory Smoke, Sewer Gas And Similar Products Of Civilization.

Knowledge Is The Small Part Of Ignorance That We Arrange And Classify.

Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Cribbage, N. A Substitute For Conversation Among Those To Whom Nature Has Denied Ideas.

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Even The Laws Of Justice Themselves Cannot Subsist Without Mixture Of Injustice.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

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Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

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San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

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Political Revolution

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Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

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Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

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Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

A Statesman Who Shakes The Fruit Trees Of His Neighbors - To Dislodge The Worms.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Phonograph, N. An Irritating Toy That Restores Life To Dead Noises.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Quill: An Instrument Of Torture Yielded By A Goose And Commonly Weilded By As Ass.

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

An Auctioneer Is A Man Who Proclaims With A Hammer That He Has Picked A Pocket With His Tongue.

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Homo Creator's Testimony To The Sound Construction And Fine Finish Of Deus Creatus. A Popular Form Of Abjection, Having An Element Of Pride.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

Gratitude, N. A Sentiment Lying Midway Between A Benefit Received And A Benefit Expected.

Eloquence, N. The Art Of Orally Persuading Fools That White Is The Color That It Appears To Be. It Includes The Gift Of Making Any Color Appear White.

Preference, N. A Sentiment, Or Frame Of Mind, Induced By The Erroneous Belief That One Thing Is Better Than Another.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Degradation, N. One Of The Stages Of Moral And Social Progress From Private Station To Political Preferment.

Accuse, V.t. To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of Ourselves For Having Wronged Him.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

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