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Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Pertaining To A Certain

Ambrose Bierce

...

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

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Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Boundary, N. In Political Geography, An Imaginary Line Between Two Nations, Separating The Imaginary Rights Of One From The Imaginary Rights Of Another.

I Was Born To Poor Because Of Honest Parents.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Absence Blots People Out. We Really Have No Absent Friends.

Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Oratory, N. A Conspiracy Between Speech And Action To Cheat The Understanding. A Tyranny Tempered By Stenography.

A Short Story Padded. A Species Of Composition Bearing The Same Relation To Literature That The Panorama Bears To Art. As It Is Too Long To Be Read At A Sitting The Impressions Made By Its Successive Parts Are Successively Effaced, As In The Pa

Cartesian, Adj. Relating To Descartes, Author Of 'cogito Ergo Sum' To Demonstrate The Reality Of Human Existence. The Dictum Might Be Improved 'cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum' 'i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am' As Close An Approach.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Cui Bono? [latin] What Good Would That Do "me"?

Disobedience, N. The Silver Lining To The Cloud Of Servitude.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

Vote: The Instrument And Symbol Of A Freeman's Power To Make A Fool Of Himself And A Wreck Of His Country.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Rome Has Seven Sacraments, But The Protestant Churches, Being Less Prosperous, Feel That They Can Afford Only Two, And These Of Inferior Sanctity.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral. If Mans Notions Of Right And Wrong Have Any Other Basis Than This Of Expediency; If They Originated, Or Could Have Originated, In Any Other Way; If Actions Have In Themselves A Moral Character Apart From And Nowise Dependent On, Their Consequences-then All Philosophy Is A Lie And Reason A Disorder Of The Mind.

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Corporation: An Ingenious Device For Obtaining Profit Without Individual Responsibility.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Exhort, V.t. In Religious Affairs, To Put The Conscience Of Another Upon The Spit And Roast It To A Nut-brown Discomfort.

Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.

Duck-bill, N. Your Account At Your Restaurant During The Canvas-back Season.

Quixotic, Adj. Absurdly Chivalric, Like Don Quixote. An Insight Into The Beauty And Excellence Of This Incomparable Adjective Is Unhappily Denied To Him Who Has The Misfortune To Know That The Gentleman's Name Is Pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

Incompossible, Adj. Unable To Exist If Something Else Exists. Two Things Are Incompossible When The World Of Being Has Scope Enough For One Of Them, But Not Enough For Both - As Walt Whitman's Poetry And God's Mercy To Man.

K, N. A Consonant; Originally Precisely That Of Our H, But Altered To Its Present Shape To Commemorate The Destruction Of [one Of Two Lofty Columns In] The Great Temple Of Jarute.

Epigram, N. A Short, Sharp Saying In Prose Or Verse, Frequently Characterize By Acidity Or Acerbity And Sometimes By Wisdom.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Plagiarize, V. To Take The Thought Or Style Of Another Writer Whom One Has Never, Never Read.

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London

Mercy, N. An Attribute Beloved Of Detected Offenders.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Truth Is So Good A Thing That Falsehood Can Not Afford To Be Without It.

Witticism. A Sharp And Clever Remark, Usually Quoted And Seldom Noted; What The Philistine Is Pleased To Call A Joke.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.

Satire, N. An Obsolete Kind Of Literary Composition In Which The Vices And Follies Of The Author's Enemies Were Expounded With Imperfect Tenderness.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.

The Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Pocket, N. The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman This Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience, Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.

Magnetism, N. Something Acting Upon A Magnet. The Two Definitions Immediately Foregoing Are Condensed From The Works Of One Thousand Eminent Scientists, Who Have Illuminated The Subject With A Great White Light, To The Inexpressible Advancement Of Human Knowledge.

Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Legacy, N. A Gift From One Who Is Legging It Out Of This Vale Of Tears.

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

Minister, N. An Agent Of A Higher Power With A Lower Responsibility. In Diplomacy, An Officer Sent Into A Foreign Country As The Visible Embodiment Of His Sovereign's Hostility.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.

Review, V.t. To Set Your Wisdom (holding Not A Doubt Of It./ Although In Truth There's Neither Bone Nor Skin To It)/ At Work Upon A Book, And So Read Out Of It/ The Qualities That You Have First Read Into It.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

R.i.p. A Careless Abbreviation Of "requiescat In Pace", Attesting To Indolent Goodwill To The Dead. According To The Learned Dr. Drigge, However, The Letters Originally Meant Nothing More Than "reductus In Pulvis".

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance... The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One - The Knowledge And The Dream.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Evangelist, N. A Bearer Of Good Tidings, Particularly (in A Religious Sense) Such As Assure Us Of Our Own Salvation And The Damnation Of Our Neighbors.

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Legitimate Authority To Be, To Do Or To Have; As The Right To Be A King, The Right To Do One's Neighbor, The Right To Have Measles, And The Like.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Projectile, N. The Final Arbiter In International Disputes. With The Growth Of Prudence In Military Affairs The Projectile Came More And More Into Favor, And Is Now Held In High Esteem By The Most Courageous.

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Intention, N. The Mind's Sense Of The Prevalence Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set; An Effect Whose Cause Is The Imminence, Immediate Or Remote, Of The Performance Of An Involuntary Act.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

A Book Which The Mohammedans Foolishly Believe To Have Been Written By Divine Inspiration, But Which Christians Know To Be A Wicked Imposture, Contradictory To The Holy Scriptures.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Accomplice, N. One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Fee For Assenting.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Riot – A Popular Entertainment Given To The Military By Innocent Bystanders.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Monarch, N. A Person Engaged In Reigning. Formerly The Monarch Ruled, As The Derivation Of The Word Attests, And As Many Subjects Have Had Occasion To Learn.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Genius - To Know Without Having Learned; To Draw Just Conclusions From Unknown Premises; To Discern The Soul Of Things.

Truth Is More Deceptive Than Falsehood, For It Is More Frequently Presented By Those From Whom We Do Not Expect It, And So Has Against It A Numerical Presumption.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Rewards And Recognition

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

Architect. One Who Drafts A Plan Of Your House, And Plans A Draft Of Your Money.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slave-driver. As, Pent In An Aquarium, The Troutlet Swims Round And Round His Tank To Find An Outlet, Pressing His Nose Against The Glass That Holds Him, Nor Ever Sees The Prison That Enfolds Him; So The Poor Debtor, Seeing Naught Around Him, Yet Feels The Narrow Limits That Impound Him, Grieves At His Debt And Studies To Evade It, And Finds At Last He Might As Well Have Paid It.

Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Hybrid, N. A Pooled Issue.

Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

A Bad Marriage Is Like An Electrical Thrilling Machine: It Makes You Dance, But You Can't Let Go.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Elegy, N. A Composition In Verse, In Which, Without Employing Any Of The Methods Of Humor, The Writer Aims To Produce In The Reader's Mind The Dampest Kind Of Dejection.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Youth Looks Forward, For Nothing Is Behind! Age Backward, For Nothing Is Before.

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

The Bold And Discerning Writer Who, Recognizing The Truth That Language Must Grow By Innovation If It Grow At All, Makes New Words And Uses The Old In An Unfamiliar Sense Has No Following And Is Tartly Reminded That 'it Isn't In The Dictionary' - Although Down To The Time Of The First Lexicographer No Author Ever Had Used A Word That Was In The Dictionary.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Organizes.

Delusion, N. The Father Of A Most Respectable Family, Comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity And Many Other Goodly Sons And Daughters.

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

You Are Not Permitted To Kill A Woman Who Has Wronged You, But Nothing Forbids You To Reflect That She Is Growing Older Every Minute.

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These [quills] When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling.

Joss-sticks- Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery, In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.

Rear, N. In American Military Matters, That Exposed Part Of The Army That Is Nearest To Congress.

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

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