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Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Artlessness, N. A Certain

Ambrose Bierce

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Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

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Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

Boundary, N. In Political Geography, An Imaginary Line Between Two Nations, Separating The Imaginary Rights Of One From The Imaginary Rights Of Another.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Mine, Adj. Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Ass, N. A Public Singer With A Good Voice But No Ear.

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

A Statesman Who Shakes The Fruit Trees Of His Neighbors - To Dislodge The Worms.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

All Are Lunatics, But He Who Can Analyze His Delusions Is Called A Philosopher.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Academe, N.: An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught. Academy, N.: A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

I Was Born To Poor Because Of Honest Parents.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Hybrid, N. A Pooled Issue.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition. 'i Was In The Drawing-room, Enjoying My Dinner,' Said Brillat-savarin, Beginning An Anecdote. 'what!' Interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating Dinner In A Drawing-room?' 'i Must Beg You To Observe, Monsieur,' Explained The Great Gastronome, 'that I Did Not Say I Was Eating My Dinner, But Enjoying It. I Had Dined An Hour Before.'

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

Consult: To Seek Approval For A Course Of Action Already Decided Upon.

Evangelist, N. A Bearer Of Good Tidings, Particularly (in A Religious Sense) Such As Assure Us Of Our Own Salvation And The Damnation Of Our Neighbors.

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Inexpedient: Not Calculated To Advance One's Interests.

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Backbite: To ''speak Of A Man As You Find Him'' When He Can't Find You.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Presbyterian, N. One Who Holds The Conviction That The Government Authorities Of The Church Should Be Called Presbyters.

Zeus /n./ The Chief Of Grecian Gods, Adored By The Romans As Jupiter And By The Modern Americans As God, Gold, Mob And Dog.

Infidel, N. In New York, One Who Does Not Believe In The Christian Religion; In Constantinople, One Who Does.

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Yankee, N. In Europe, An American. In The Northern States Of Our Union, A New Englander. In The Southern States The Word Is Unknown.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

Battle, N., A Method Of Untying With The Teeth A Political Knot That Would Not Yield To The Tongue.

Neighbor, N. One Whom We Are Commanded To Love As Ourselves, And Who Does All He Knows How To Make Us Disobedient.

Seine, N. A Kind Of Net For Effecting An Involuntary Change Of Environment. For Fish It Is Made Strong And Coarse, But Women Are More Easily Taken With A Singularly Delicate Fabric Weighted With Small, Cut Stones.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

Age - That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That Remain By Reviling Those We Have No Longer The Vigor To Commit.

Duty - That Which Sternly Impels Us In The Direction Of Profit, Along The Line Of Desire.

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Trial. A Formal Inquiry Designed To Prove And Put Upon Record The Blameless Characters Of Judges, Advocates And Jurors.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

The Only Distinction That Democracies Reward Is A High Degree Of Conformity.

Present, N. That Part Of Eternity Dividing The Domain Of Disappointment From The Realm Of Hope.

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

Obsolete, Adj. No Longer Used By The Timid. Said Chiefly Of Words. A Word Which Some Lexicographer Has Marked Obsolete Is Ever Thereafter An Object Of Dread And Loathing To The Fool Writer . . .

A Lottery Is A Tax On Stupidity.

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Noise: A Stench In The Ear.

Rabble, N. In A Republic, Those Who Exercise A Supreme Authority Tempered By Fraudulent Elections. The Rabble Is Like The Sacred Simurgh, Of Arabian Fable - Omnipotent On Condition That It Do Nothing.

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

Sacerdotalist, N. One Who Holds The Belief That A Clergyman Is A Priest. Denial Of This Momentous Doctrine Is The Hardest Challenge That Is Now Flung Into The Teeth Of The Episcopalian Church By The Neo-dictionarians.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Adherent, N. A Follower Who Has Not Yet Obtained All That He Expects To Get.

Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

When Lost In A Forest Go Always Down Hill. When Lost In A Philosophy Or Doctrine Go Upward.

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Monarch, N. A Person Engaged In Reigning. Formerly The Monarch Ruled, As The Derivation Of The Word Attests, And As Many Subjects Have Had Occasion To Learn.

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used In Giving Stability To Light Lovers - Particularly To Those Who Love Not Wisely But Other Men's Wives.

Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.

Crayfish, N. A Small Crustacean Very Much Resembling The Lobster, But Less Indigestible.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

The Most Affectionate Creature In The World Is A Wet Dog.

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

Retribution, N. A Rain Of Fire-and-brimstone That Falls Alike Upon The Just And Such Of The Unjust As Have Not Procured Shelter By Evicting Them.

Learning -the Kind Of Ignorance Affected By (and Affecting) Civilized Races, As Distinguished From Ignorance, The Sort Of Learning Incurred By Savages. See Nonsense.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Jester, N. An Officer Attached To The King's Household To Amuse The Court By Ludicrous Actions And Utterances . . . The King's Own Conduct And Decrees [being] Sufficiently Ridiculous For The Amusement Not Only Of His Court But Of All Mankind.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

I Keep A Conscience Uncorrupted By Religion, A Judgment Undimmed By Politics And Patriotism, A Heart Untainted By Friendships And Sentiments Unsoured By Animosities.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.

Year: A Period Of Three Hundred And Sixty-five Disappointments.

Patriotism, N. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name. In Dr. Johnson's Famous Dictionary Patriotism Is Defined As The Last Resort Of A Scoundrel. With All Due Respect To An Enlightened But Inferior Lexicographer I Beg To Submit It Is The First.

Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

A Bad Marriage Is Like An Electrical Thrilling Machine: It Makes You Dance, But You Can't Let Go.

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Hash, X. There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is. Famous, Adj. Conspicuously Miserable. Dictionary, N. A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic. This Dictionary, However, Is A Most Useful Work.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

The Gambling Known As Business Looks With Austere Disfavor Upon The Business Known As Gambling.

Acquaintance. A Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To.

A Chop Is A Piece Of Leather Skillfully Attached To A Bone And Administered To The Patients At Restaurants.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think We Think.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used ... As A Counterpoise To An Argument Of Such Weight That It Turns The Scale Of Debate The Wrong Way. An Interesting Fact In The Chemistry Of International Controversy Is That At The Point Of Contact Of Two Patriotisms Lead Is Precipitated In Great Quantities.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Respirator, N. An Apparatus Fitted Over The Nose And Mouth Of An Inhabitant Of London, Whereby To Filter The Visible Universe In Its Passage To The Lungs.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

New York Is Too Strenuous For Me; It Gets On My Nerves.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

Elegy, N. A Composition In Verse, In Which, Without Employing Any Of The Methods Of Humor, The Writer Aims To Produce In The Reader's Mind The Dampest Kind Of Dejection.

Beauty, N: The Power By Which A Woman Charms A Lover And Terrifies A Husband.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Rimer, N. A Poet Regarded With Indifference Or Disesteem.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Mouth, N. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of The Heart.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Male, A Member Of The Unconsidered Or Negligible Gender. The Male Of The Human Race Is Commonly Known To The Female As Mere Man. The Genus Has Two Varieties: Good Providers And Bad Providers.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Scrap-book, N. A Book That Is Commonly Edited By A Fool. Many Persons Of Some Small Distinction Compile Scrap-books Containing Whatever They Happen To Read About Themselves Or Employ Others To Collect.

God Alone Knows The Future, But Only An Historian Can Alter The Past.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

There Is Nothing New Under The Sun But There Are Lots Of Old Things We Don't Know.

Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.

Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

The God Of The World's Leading Religion.

Logic, N. The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding. The Basic Of Logic Is The Syllogism, Consisting Of A Major And A Minor Premise And A Conclusion - Thus: Major Premise: Sixty Men Can Do A Piece Of Work Sixty Times As Quickly As One Man. Minor Premise: One Man Can Dig A Post-hole In Sixty Seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty Men Can Dig A Post-hole In One Second. This May Be Called Syllogism Arithmetical, In Which, By Combining Logic And Mathematics, We Obtain A Double Certainty And Are Twice Blessed.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Table D'hote, N. A Caterer's Thrifty Concession To The Universal Passion For Irresponsibility.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

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