Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Miscreant, N. A Person

Ambrose Bierce

Topic

Mean

Degrees

Development

More From Ambrose Bierce

April Fool, N. The March Fool With Another Month Added To His Folly.

Fools Day

Months

April

Intimacy, N. A Relation Into Which Fools Are Providentially Drawn For Their Mutual Destruction.

Fool

Intimacy

Destruction

Peripatetic, Adj. Walking About. Relating To The Philosophy Of Aristotle, Who, While Expounding It, Moved From Place To Place In Order To Avoid His Pupil's Objections. A Needless Precaution - They Knew No More Of The Matter Than He.

Philosophy

Order

Matter

Definition: Connoisseur, N. A Specialist Who Knows Everything About Something And Nothing About Anything Else.

Wine

Definitions

Connoisseur

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Food

Science

Cooking

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

Disease

Poverty

Approval

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Art

Future

Practice

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot.

Fear

Brain

Idiot

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Police

Protection

Force

Mouth, N. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of The Heart.

Heart

Men

Soul

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Vegetables

Tree

Gold

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Art

Peace

War

Plenipotentiary, Adj. Having Full Power. A Minister Plenipotentiary Is A Diplomatist Possessing Absolute Authority On Condition That He Never Exert It.

Power

Authority

Ministers

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

Rain

Humility

Thinking

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Satisfaction

Redress

Reparations

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Life

Time

Men

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saint

Saints And Sinners

Edited

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

Inspiring

Success

Failure

Tedium, N. Ennui, The State Or Condition Of One That Is Bored. Many Fanciful Derivations Of The Word Have Been Affirmed, But So High An Authority As Father Jape Says That It Comes From A Very Obvious Source --the First Words Of The Ancient Latin Hymn _te Deum Laudamus_. In This Apparently Natural Derivation There Is Something That Saddens.

Father

Latin

Hymns

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

Daughter

Religious

Nature

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Player

Politics

Dice

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Character

Dignity

Ridicule

Politics: A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.

Political Will

Greed

Nerd

Eucharist, N. A Sacred Feast Of The Religious Sect Of Theophagi. A Dispute Once Unhappily Arose Among The Members Of This Sect As To What It Was That They Ate. In This Controversy Some Five Hundred Thousand Have Already Been Slain, And The Question Is Still Unsettled.

Religious

Food

Cooking

A Total Abstainer Is One Who Abstains From Everything But Abstention, And Especially From Inactivity In The Affairs Of Others.

Affair

Inactivity

Abstention

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Life

Simple

Temporary Insanity

The World Has Suffered More From The Ravages Of Ill-advised Marriages Than From Virginity.

Marriage

World

Ill

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

Children

Maturity

Age

Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.

Creation

Existence

Factors

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Life

Death

Power

Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.

Maids

Ruins

Belief

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Funny

Country

Humorous

Dog - A Kind Of Additional Or Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship.

Dog

Literature

World

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Wise

Men

Fool

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Variables

Sometimes

Conviction

Intolerance Is Natural And Logical, For In Every Dissenting Opinion Lies An Assumption Of Superior Wisdom.

Lying

Opinion

Assumption

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Science

Physicians

Body

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

Skeletons

Dancing

Funeral

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Foxes

Weak

Tact

Philanthropist, N.: A Rich (and Usually Bald) Old Gentleman Who Has Trained Himself To Grin While His Conscience Is Picking His Pocket.

Gentleman

Pockets

Philanthropy

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

Animal

Men

Thinking

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Spiritual

Science

Needs

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

Order

White

House

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Government

Genius

Bears

Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.

Food

Wine

Drunk

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

Life

Temptation

Add

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Life

Justice

May

Outcome, N. A Particular Type Of Disappointment . . . . Judged By The Outcome, The Result. This Is Immortal Nonsense; The Wisdom Of An Act Is To Be Juded By The Light That The Doer Had When He Performed It.

Wisdom

Disappointment

Light

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

Taxes

Goods

Household

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Adore

Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.

Greatness

Editors

Sycophants

An Auctioneer Is A Man Who Proclaims With A Hammer That He Has Picked A Pocket With His Tongue.

Business

Men

Pockets

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

Funny

Integrity

Heart

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Digging

Purpose

Truce

I Think I Think, Therefore I Think I Am.

Math

Thinking

Logic

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Pain

Mind

Done

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Bishops

Elegy, N. A Composition In Verse, In Which, Without Employing Any Of The Methods Of Humor, The Writer Aims To Produce In The Reader's Mind The Dampest Kind Of Dejection.

Mind

Kind

Produce

Hope Is Desire And Expectation Rolled Into One.

Hope

Expectations

Hopeful

Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.

Enemy

Encounters

Opponents

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Sorrow

Accepting

Lost

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Sacrifice

Atheism

Liberty

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Bores You

Effective Listening

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Men

Animal

Museums

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Distance

Rich

Poor

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Funny

Military

Enemy

Orthodox, N. An Ox Wearing The Popular Religious Joke.

Religious

Religion

Orthodox

Indifferent, Adj. Imperfectly Sensible To Distinctions Among Things.

Indifference

Distinction

Indifferent

Introduction - A Social Ceremony Invented By The Devil For The Gratification Of His Servants And The Plaguing Of His Enemies.

Evil

Enemy

Social

Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.

Success

Thought Provoking

Sin

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Death

Religious

Dying

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Funny

Age

Nervous

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Disappointment

Stage

Disillusion

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Exercise

Intellectual

Gentle

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Musical

Assassins

Harmony

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Women

Roots

Brain

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Politics

Lectures

Finance

Plebeian, N. An Ancient Roman Who In The Blood Of His Country Stained Nothing But His Hands. Distinguished From The Patrician, Who Was A Saturated Solution.

Country

Blood

Hands

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Science

Knives

Elephants

Doubt Is The Father Of Invention.

Father

Stupidity

Doubt

Rich, Adj. Holding In Trust And Subject To An Accounting The Property Of The Indolent, The Incompetent, The Unthrifty, The Envious And The Luckless.

Trust

Envy

Rich

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Mean

Support

Religion

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Demand

Answers

Argument

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

Believe

Preparation

Secret

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Dog

Mean

World

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Youth

Wounds

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

Time

Future

Men

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Turtles

Attachment

Long

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Expression

Land

Poetry

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

Time

Twenties

Four

Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

Death

Suicide

Grief

A Book Which The Mohammedans Foolishly Believe To Have Been Written By Divine Inspiration, But Which Christians Know To Be A Wicked Imposture, Contradictory To The Holy Scriptures.

Christian

Believe

Book

Miss, N. A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense. Two Are Corruptions Of Mistress, The Other Of Master. In The General Abolition Of Social Titles In This Our Country They Miraculously Escaped To Plague Us. If We Must Have Them Let Us Be Consistent And Give One To The Unmarried Man. I Venture To Suggest Mush, Abbreviated To Mh.

Country

Men

Two

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Funny

Prayer

Humor

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

War

Self Esteem

Swim

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Eye

Science

Ears

Labor Is One Of The Processes By Which A Acquires Property For B.

Process

Labor

Property

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Echoes

Applause

Platitudes

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Fashion

Men

Names

Plague, N. In Ancient Times A General Punishment Of The Innocent For Admonition Of Their Ruler, As In The Familiar Instance Of Pharaoh The Immune. The Plague Today . . . Is Merely Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Time

Nature

Punishment

Inadmissible- Not Competent To Be Considered. Hearsay Evidence Is Inadmissible ... But There Is No Religion In The World That Has Any Other Basis Than Hearsay Evidence.

Religion

World

Evidence

Hydra, N. A Kind Of Animal That The Ancients Catalogued Under Many Heads.

Kindness

Animal

Hydra

Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.

Pigs

Games

Politics

Nominee. A Modest Gentleman Shrinking From The Distinction Of Private Life And Diligently Seeking The Honorable Obscurity Of Public Office.

Life

Office

Gentleman

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Religious

Mistake

Food

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

Religious

Character

Cat

Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.

Men

Mind

Style

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Change

Art

Records

Pre-adamite, N. One Of An Experimental And Apparently Unsatisfactory Race Of Antedated Creation. . . . Little Its Known Of Them Beyond The Fact That They Supplied Cain With A Wife And Theologians With A Controversy.

Race

Wife

Cain

Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.

Departed

Platitudes

Mortals

Wrath, N. Anger Of A Superior Quality And Degree, Appropriate To Exalted Characters And Momentous Occasions; As, "the Wrath Of God," "the Day Of Wrath," Etc. . . .

Character

Wrath

Quality

Homo Creator's Testimony To The Sound Construction And Fine Finish Of Deus Creatus. A Popular Form Of Abjection, Having An Element Of Pride.

Pride

Sound

Abjection

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

Morning

Sleep

Insomnia

Absence Blots People Out. We Really Have No Absent Friends.

People

Absence

Absent Friends

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

Speech

Way

Garbage

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Men

Doe

True Man

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Art

Tasks

Discrimination

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Independent

Men

Average

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

House

World

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Nature

Kings

Hands

Beg, V. To Ask For Something With An Earnestness Proportioned To The Belief That It Will Not Be Given.

Belief

Given

Asks

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

Patriotism

Firsts

Scoundrels

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Wine

Lips

Connoisseur

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Country

Hypocrite

United States

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

Pennies

Thrift

Saved

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Fall

Men

Hands

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Promise

Literature

Sides

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Demand

Lasts

Diplomacy

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

Laughter

Noise

Inarticulate

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Food

Cooking

Madness

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Forgiving

Enemy

Haste

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

Beauty

Heart

Males

As Records Of Courts And Justice Are Admissible, It Can Easily Be Proved That Powerful And Malevolent Magicians Once Existed And Were A Scourge To Mankind. The Evidence (including Confession) Upon Which Certain Women Were Convicted Of Witchcraft And Executed Was Without A Flaw; It Is Still Unimpeachable. The Judges' Decisions Based On It Were Sound In Logic And In Law. Nothing In Any Existing Court Was Ever More Thoroughly Proved Than The Charges Of Witchcraft And Sorcery For Which So Many Suffered Death. If There Were No Witches, Human Testimony And Human Reason Are Alike Destitute Of Value.

Powerful

Law

Judging

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Wisdom

Political

Crowds

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition.

Science

Function

Humour

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

Numbers

Adults

United States

There's No Free Will," Says The Philosopher; "to Hang Is Most Unjust." "there Is No Free Will," Assents The Officer; "we Hang Because We Must.

Unjust

Philosopher

Free Will

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

Beautiful

Women

League

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Liver Is Heaven's Best Gift To The Goose; Without It That Bird Would Be Unable To Supply Us With The Strasbourg "pate".

Nature

Bird

Heaven

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

Reflection

Views

Yesterday

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Kings

Queens

Women

Disabuse, V.t. To Present Your Neighbor With Another And Better Error Than The One Which He Has Deemed Advantageous To Embrace.

Errors

Neighbor

Embrace

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Night

Doe

Hyenas

Patriotism. Combustible Rubbish Ready To The Torch Of Any One Ambitious To Illuminate His Name.

Patriotic

Names

Patriotism

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Food

Pigs

Cooking

While You Have A Future Do Not Live Too Much In Contemplation Of Your Past: Unless You Are Content To Walk Backward The Mirror Is A Poor Guide.

Past

Mirrors

Too Much

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Kissing

Understanding

Lexicographer

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

Life

Children

Two

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Kings

Office

Sovereign

Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

Wish

Persons

Rimer, N. A Poet Regarded With Indifference Or Disesteem.

Differences

Indifference

Poet

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Funny

Hope

Giving Up

Predicament, N. The Wage Of Consistency.

Consistency

Habit

Predicaments

Death Is Not The End. There Remains The Litigation Over The Estate.

Clever

Inspiration

Ends

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Change

Government

Justice

Aristocrats: N. Fellows That Wear Downy Hats And Clean Shirts - Guilty Of Education And Suspected Of Bank Accounts.

Guilt

Hats

Clean

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Views

Editors

Feet

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Humorous

Doctors

Medicine

Doubt Begins Only At The Last Frontiers Of What Is Possible.

Doubt

Lasts

Frontiers

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

Hope

Pride

Envy

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

Country

Ambassadors

Exile

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Life

Men

Creative

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

Eggs

Giving

Sacred

When In Rome, Do As Rome Does.

Rome

Cities

Doe

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Thinking

Brain

Mind

Speak When You Are Angry And You Will Make The Best Speech You Will Ever Regret.

Inspirational

Cute

Sad

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Wisdom

Aphorism

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Beauty

Beautiful

Attitude

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Independent

Abnormal

Matter

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Life

Diaries

Records

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

Nature

Animal

Nurse

Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.

Hands

Pockets

Arms

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Brain

Bears

Idiot

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Hope

Military

Gentleman

Tail, N. The Part Of An Animal's Spine That Has Transcended Its Natural Limitations To Set Up An Independent Existence In A World Of Its Own.

Independent

Animal

Tails

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Clarity

Said

Communicate

Tzetze (or Tsetse) Fly, N. An African Insect ("glossina Morsitans") Whose Bite Is Commonly Regarded As Nature's Most Efficacious Remedy For Insomnia, Though Some Patients Prefer That Of The American Novelist ("mendax Interminabilis").

Nature

Insomnia

Novelists

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Sarcastic

Hands

Watches

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

Gentleman

Church

Palaces

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Knowledge

Science

Kind

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Baby

Holy Water

Caverns

A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

Law

People

Claims

Rascality, N. Stupidity Militant. The Activity Of A Clouded Intellect.

Military

Stupidity

Intellect

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Nature

Science

Admonition

Mayonnaise: One Of The Sauces Which Serve The French In Place Of A State Religion.

Food

Cooking

Religion

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Flower

Color

Vegetables

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

Loss

Losing

Election

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Humorous

Profound

Insane

Degradation, N. One Of The Stages Of Moral And Social Progress From Private Station To Political Preferment.

Political

Progress

Degradation

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

Doubt

Denial

May

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Love

Temporary Insanity

Patient

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition. 'i Was In The Drawing-room, Enjoying My Dinner,' Said Brillat-savarin, Beginning An Anecdote. 'what!' Interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating Dinner In A Drawing-room?' 'i Must Beg You To Observe, Monsieur,' Explained The Great Gastronome, 'that I Did Not Say I Was Eating My Dinner, But Enjoying It. I Had Dined An Hour Before.'

Food

Drawing

Cooking

A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.

Men

He Man

Incompetence

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Unexpected

Persons

Beneficial

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Freedom

Garden

May

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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