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Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Miscreant, N. A Person

Ambrose Bierce

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Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

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Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

The Gambling Known As Business Looks With Austere Disfavor Upon The Business Known As Gambling.

Satire, N. An Obsolete Kind Of Literary Composition In Which The Vices And Follies Of The Author's Enemies Were Expounded With Imperfect Tenderness.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment. . . . The Substitution Of The Rule Of An Administration For That Of A Ministry, Whereby The Welfare And Happiness Of The People Were Advanced A Full Half-inch.

Weather, N. The Climate Of An Hour. A Permanent Topic Of Conversation Among Persons Whom It Does Not Interest, But Who Have Inherited The Tendency To Chatter About It From Naked Arboreal Ancestors Whom It Keenly Concerned. The Setting Up Of Official Weather Bureaus And Their Maintenance In Mendacity Prove That Even Governments Are Accessible To Suasion By The Rude Forefathers Of The Jungle.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.

Thought Provoking

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Providential, Adj. Unexpectedly And Conspicuously Beneficial To The Person So Describing It.

Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.

Impale, V.t. In Popular Usage, To Pierce With Any Weapon Which Remains Fixed In The Wound . . . . Properly, To Put To Death By Thrusting An Upright Sharp Stake Into The Body, The Victim Being Left In A Sitting Position.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

When You Doubt, Abstain.

J, N. A Consonant In English, But Some Nations Use It As A Vowel . . . From A Latin Verb, "jacere", "to Throw," Because When A Stone Is Thrown At A Dog The Dog's Tail Assumes That Shape.

Cynicism Is That Blackguard Defect Of Vision Which Compels Us To See The World As It Is, Instead Of As It Should Be.

Mausoleum, N: The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Legacy, N. A Gift From One Who Is Legging It Out Of This Vale Of Tears.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Gout, A Physician's Name For The Rheumatism Of A Rich Patient

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Hog, N. A Bird Remarkable For The Catholicity Of Its Appetite And Serving To Illustrate That Of Ours. Among The Mahometans And Jews, The Hog Is Not In Favor As An Article Of Diet, But Is Respected For The Delicacy And The Melody Of Its Voice. It Is Chiefly As A Songster That The Fowl Is Esteemed; The Cage Of Him In Full Chorus Has Been Known To Draw Tears From Two Persons At Once. The Scientific Name Of This Dicky-bird Is _porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller Did Not Discover The Hog, But It Is Considered His By Right Of Resemblance.

Democracy Is Defended In 3 Stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

Homoeopathy, N. A School Of Medicine Midway Between Allopathy And Christian Science. To The Last Both The Others Are Distinctly Inferior, For Christian Science Will Cure Imaginary Diseases, And They Can Not.

Humorist, N. A Plague That Would Have Softened Down The Hoar Austerity Of Pharaoh's Heart And Persuaded Him To Dismiss Israel With His Best Wishes, Cat-quick.

Monsieur Franqulin, Inventor Of Electricity. This Illustrious Savant, After Having Made Several Voyages Around The World, Died On The Sandwich Islands And Was Devoured By Savages, Of Whom Not A Single Fragment Was Ever Recovered.

Plagiarism, N. A Literary Coincidence Compounded Of A Discreditable Priority And An Honorable Subsequence.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Age Is Provident Because The Less Future We Have The More We Fear It.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Last, N. A Shoemaker's Implement, Named By A Frowning Providence As Opportunity To The Maker Of Puns.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

Ribaldry, N. Censorious Language By Another Concerning Oneself.

All Are Lunatics, But He Who Can Analyze His Delusions Is Called A Philosopher.

Laocoon, N. A Famous Piece Of Antique Scripture Representing A Priest Of That Name And His Two Sons In The Folds Of Two Enormous Serpents. The Skill And Diligence With Which The Old Man And Lads Support The Serpents And Keep Them Up To Their Work Have Been Justly Regarded As One Of The Noblest Artistic Illustrations Of The Mastery Of Human Intelligence Over Brute Inertia.

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Reading, N. The General Body Of What One Reads. In Our Country It Consists, As A Rule, Of Indiana Novels, Short Stories In "dialect" And Humor In Slang.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.

Amnesty, N. The State's Magnanimity To Those Offenders Whom It Would Be Too Expensive To Punish.

A Less Popular Name For The Second Person Of That Delectable Newspaper Trinity, The Roomer, The Bedder, And The Mealer.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Youth Looks Forward, For Nothing Is Behind! Age Backward, For Nothing Is Before.

Hail, High Excess Especially In Wine, To Thee In Worship Do I Bend The Knee Who Preach Abstemiousness Unto Me My Skull Thy Pulpit, As My Paunch Thy Shrine. Precept On Precept, Aye, And Line On Line, Could Ne'er Persuade So Sweetly To Agree With Reason As Thy Touch, Exact And Free, Upon My Forehead And Along My Spine. At Thy Command Eschewing Pleasure's Cup, With The Hot Grape I Warm No More My Wit; When On Thy Stool Of Penitence I Sit I'm Quite Converted, For I Can't Get Up. Ungrateful He Who Afterward Would Falter To Make New Sacrifices At Thine Altar!

Nonsense, N. The Objections That Are Urged Against This Excellent Dictionary.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Commerce, N. A Kind Of Transaction In Which A Plunders From B The Goods Of C, And For Compensation B Picks The Pocket Of D Of Money Belonging To E.

Mace, N. A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In Dissuading From Dissent.

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Rewards And Recognition

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Ass, N. A Public Singer With A Good Voice But No Ear.

Contempt; The Feeling Of A Prudent Man For An Enemy Who Is Too Formidable Safely To Be Opposed.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Disobedience, N. The Silver Lining To The Cloud Of Servitude.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Photograph, N. A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art. It Is A Little Better Than The Work Of An Apache, But Not Quite So Good As That Of A Cheyenne.

Erudition - Dust Shaken Out Of A Book Into An Empty Skull.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Siren, N. One Of Several Musical Prodigies Famous For A Vain Attempt To Dissuade Odysseus From A Life On The Ocean Wave. Figuratively, Any Lady Of Splendid Promise, Dissembled Purpose And Disappointing Performance.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

Commendation N. The Tribute That We Pay To Achievements That Resembles But Do Not Equal Our Own.

Mugwump, N. In Politics One Afflicted With Self-respect And Addicted To The Vice Of Independence. A Term Of Contempt.

A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.

Husband, N. One Who, Having Dined, Is Charged With The Care Of The Plate.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Litigant. A Person About To Give Up His Skin For The Hope Of Retaining His Bones.

Sabbath - A Weekly Festival Having Its Origin In The Fact That God Made The World In Six Days And Was Arrested On The Seventh.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.

Tedium, N. Ennui, The State Or Condition Of One That Is Bored. Many Fanciful Derivations Of The Word Have Been Affirmed, But So High An Authority As Father Jape Says That It Comes From A Very Obvious Source --the First Words Of The Ancient Latin Hymn _te Deum Laudamus_. In This Apparently Natural Derivation There Is Something That Saddens.

Insurance - An Ingenious Modern Game Of Chance In Which The Player Is Permitted To Enjoy The Comfortable Conviction That He Is Beating The Man Who Keeps The Table.

Pre-adamite, N. One Of An Experimental And Apparently Unsatisfactory Race Of Antedated Creation. . . . Little Its Known Of Them Beyond The Fact That They Supplied Cain With A Wife And Theologians With A Controversy.

Effect, N. The Second Of Two Phenomena Which Always Occur Together In The Same Order. The First, Called A Cause, Is Said To Generate The Other-which Is No More Sensible Than It Would Be For One Who Has Never Seen A Dog Except In Pursuit Of A Rabbit To Declare The Rabbit The Cause Of The Dog.

Female, N. One Of The Opposing, Or Unfair, Sex.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Idleness, N. A Model Farm Where The Devil Experiments With Seeds Of New Sins And Promotes The Growth Of Staple Vices.

Don't Steal; Thou'lt Never Thus Compete Successfully In Business. Cheat.

Trial. A Formal Inquiry Designed To Prove And Put Upon Record The Blameless Characters Of Judges, Advocates And Jurors.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Reparation, N. Satisfaction That Is Made For A Wrong And Deducted From The Satisfaction Felt In Committing It.

Monsignor- A High Ecclesiastical Title, Of Which The Founder Of Our Religion Overlooked The Advantages.

Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.

Improvidence, N. Provision For The Needs Of To-day From The Revenues Of To-morrow.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Self-denial Is Indulgence Of A Propensity To Forego.

Logic: The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted. By Most Writers The Invention Of Gunpowder Is Ascribed To The Chinese, But Not Upon Very Convincing Evidence. Milton Says It Was Invented By The Devil To Dispel Angels With, And This Opinion Seems To Derive Some Support From The Scarcity Of Angels.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

The God Of The World's Leading Religion.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

R.i.p. A Careless Abbreviation Of "requiescat In Pace", Attesting To Indolent Goodwill To The Dead. According To The Learned Dr. Drigge, However, The Letters Originally Meant Nothing More Than "reductus In Pulvis".

Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.

I Think Love Is The Most Unbelievable, And Critical, Thing In Civilization. Everything Else Is Very Mechanical And Predictable, But Love, You Can't Catch It.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

A Trite Popular Saying, Or Proverb. (figurative And Colloquial.) So Called Because It Makes Its Way Into A Wooden Head. Following Are Examples Of Old Saws Fitted With New Teeth.

Politics: A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.

Expostulation, N. One Of The Many Methods By Which Fools Prefer To Lose Their Friends.

Kilt, N. A Costume Sometimes Worn By Scotchmen In America And Americans In Scotland.

Force, N. "force Is But Might," The Teacher Said P/ "that Definition's Just."/ The Boy Said Naught But Throught Instead,/ Remembering His Pounded Head:/ "force Is Not Might But Must!"

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.

Woman Absent Is Woman Dead.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think We Think.

To Be Comic Is Merely To Be Playful, But Wit Is A Serious Matter. To Laugh At It Is To Confess That You Do Not Understand.

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent. This Period Is Divided Into Two Parts, The Day Proper And The Night, Or Day Improper - The Former Devoted To Sins Of Business, The Latter Consecrated To The Other Sort.

A Person Who Doubts Himself Is Like A Man Who Would Enlist In The Ranks Of His Enemies And Bear Arms Agains Himself. He Makes His Failure Certain By Himself Being The First Person To Be Convinced Of It.

Monosyllabic, Adj. Composed Of Words Of One Syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - That Is To Say, Words Of A Barbarous People Destitute Of Ideas And Incapable Of Any But The Most Elementary Sentiments And Emotions.

Joss-sticks- Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery, In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Miss, N. A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense. Two Are Corruptions Of Mistress, The Other Of Master. In The General Abolition Of Social Titles In This Our Country They Miraculously Escaped To Plague Us. If We Must Have Them Let Us Be Consistent And Give One To The Unmarried Man. I Venture To Suggest Mush, Abbreviated To Mh.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

Truce, N. Friendship.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

Indiscretion, N. The Guilt Of Woman.

Wine, N.fermented Grape-juice Known To The Women's Christian Union As "liquor," Sometimes As "rum." Wine, Madam, Is God's Next Best Gift To Man.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Riot – A Popular Entertainment Given To The Military By Innocent Bystanders.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet - Two Clarinets.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Adage, N. Boned Wisdom For Weak Teeth.

Private, N. A Military Gentleman With A Field-marshal's Baton In His Knapsack And An Impediment In His Hope.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Christian - One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ Insofar As They Are Not Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

Magpie, N.: A Bird Whose Theivish Disposition Suggested To Someone That It Might Be Taught To Talk.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Blank-verse, N. Unrhymed Iambic Pentameters - The Most Difficult Kind Of English Verse To Write Acceptably; A Kind, Therefore, Much Affected By Those Who Cannot Acceptably Write Any Kind.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

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