Background Image

...

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Generous, Adj. Originally This

Ambrose Bierce

...

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Views: 79074

Topic

More From Ambrose Bierce

Hail, High Excess Especially In Wine, To Thee In Worship Do I Bend The Knee Who Preach Abstemiousness Unto Me My Skull Thy Pulpit, As My Paunch Thy Shrine. Precept On Precept, Aye, And Line On Line, Could Ne'er Persuade So Sweetly To Agree With Reason As Thy Touch, Exact And Free, Upon My Forehead And Along My Spine. At Thy Command Eschewing Pleasure's Cup, With The Hot Grape I Warm No More My Wit; When On Thy Stool Of Penitence I Sit I'm Quite Converted, For I Can't Get Up. Ungrateful He Who Afterward Would Falter To Make New Sacrifices At Thine Altar!

Diplomacy, N.: The Patriotic Art Of Lying For One's Country.

Friendless. Having No Favors To Bestow. Destitute Of Fortune. Addicted To Utterance Of Truth And Common Sense.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Botany, N. The Science Of Vegetables - Those That Are Not Good To Eat, As Well As Those That Are. It Deals Largely With Their Flowers, Which Are Commonly Badly Designed, Inartistic In Color, And Ill-smelling.

Incompossible, Adj. Unable To Exist If Something Else Exists. Two Things Are Incompossible When The World Of Being Has Scope Enough For One Of Them, But Not Enough For Both - As Walt Whitman's Poetry And God's Mercy To Man.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Rostrum, N. In Latin, The Beak Of A Bird Or The Prow Of A Ship. In America, A Place From Which A Candidate For Office Energetically Expounds The Wisdom, Virtue And Power Of The Rabble.

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Mouth, N. In Man, The Gateway To The Soul; In Woman, The Outlet Of The Heart.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Temporary Insanity

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Indigestion: A Disease Which The Patient And His Friends Frequently Mistake For Deep Religious Conviction And Concern For The Salvation Of Mankind. As The Simple Red Man Of The Western Wild Put It, With, It Must Be Confessed, A Certain Force: 'plenty Well, No Pray; Big Belly Ache, Heap God.'

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Lap, N. One Of The Most Important Organs Of The Female System - An Admirable Provision Of Nature For The Repose Of Infancy, But Chiefly Useful In Rural Festivities To Support Plates Of Cold Chicken And Heads Of Adult Males.

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment. . . . The Substitution Of The Rule Of An Administration For That Of A Ministry, Whereby The Welfare And Happiness Of The People Were Advanced A Full Half-inch.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Delegation, N. In American Politics, An Article Of Merchandise That Comes In Sets.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

There's No Free Will," Says The Philosopher; "to Hang Is Most Unjust." "there Is No Free Will," Assents The Officer; "we Hang Because We Must.

Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.

Thought Provoking

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

Ovation, N. N Ancient Rome, A Definite, Formal Pageant In Honor Of One Who Had Been Disserviceable To The Enemies Of The Nation. A Lesser "triumph."

Dependent, Adj. Reliant Upon Another's Generosity For The Support Which You Are Not In A Position To Exact From His Fears.

Sacred, Adj. Dedicated To Some Religious Purpose; Having A Divine Character; Inspiring Solemn Thoughts Or Emotions; As... The Cow In India; The Crocodile, The Cat And The Onion Of Ancient Egypt.

War Is God's Way Of Teaching Americans Geography.

Youth, N. The Period Of Possibility, When Archimedes Finds A Fulcrum, Cassandra Has A Following And Seven Cities Compete For The Honor Of Endowing A Living Homer.

Aborigines, N.: Persons Of Little Worth Found Cumbering The Soil Of A Newly Discovered Country. They Soon Cease To Cumber; They Fertilize.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Whangdepootenawah, N. In The Ojibwa Tongue, Disaster; An Unexpected Affliction That Strikes Hard.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Decide, V.i. To Succumb To The Preponderance Of One Set Of Influences Over Another Set.

A Popular Vote To Ascertain The Will Of The Sovereign.

Hurry N: The Dispatch Of Bunglers.

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

The Senate Is A Body Of Old Men Charged With High Duties And Misdemeanors.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Asperse, V.t. Maliciously To Ascribe To Another Vicious Actions Which One Has Not Had The Temptation And Opportunity To Commit.

Liberty: One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Rarebit N. A Welsh Rabbit, In The Speech Of The Humorless, Who Point Out That It Is Not A Rabbit. To Whom It May Be Solemnly Explained That The Comestible Known As Toad-in-a-hole Is Really Not A Toad, And That Riz-de-veau à La Financière Is Not The Smile Of A Calf Prepared After The Recipe Of A She Banker.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Oath, N. In Law, A Solemn Appeal To The Deity, Made Binding Upon The Conscience By A Penalty For Perjury.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Theosophy, N. An Ancient Faith Having All The Certitude Of Religion And All The Mystery Of Science.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.

Potable, N. Suitable For Drinking. Water Is Said To Be Potable; Indeed, Some Declare It Our Natural Beverage, Although Even They Find It Palatable Only When Suffering From The Recurrent Disorder Known As Thirst, For Which It Is A Medicine.

Slang Is The Speech Of Him Who Robs The Literary Garbage Carts On Their Way To The Dumps.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Fiddle, N. An Instrument To Tickle Human Ears By Friction Of A Horse's Tail On The Entrails Of A Cat.

The Money-getter Who Pleads His Love Of Work Has A Lame Defense, For Love Of Work At Money-getting Is A Lower Taste Than Love Of Money.

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used ... As A Counterpoise To An Argument Of Such Weight That It Turns The Scale Of Debate The Wrong Way. An Interesting Fact In The Chemistry Of International Controversy Is That At The Point Of Contact Of Two Patriotisms Lead Is Precipitated In Great Quantities.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Mine, Adj. Belonging To Me If I Can Hold Or Seize It.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Majesty, N. The State And Title Of A King. Regarded With A Just Contempt By The Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees And Imperial Potentates Of The Ancient And Honorable Orders Of Republican America.

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Clock, N. A Machine Of Great Moral Value To Man, Allaying His Concern For The Future By Reminding Him What A Lot Of Time Remains To Him.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

Artlessness, N. A Certain Engaging Quality To Which Women Attain By Long Study And Severe Practice Upon The Admiring Male, Who Is Pleased To Fancy It Resembles The Candid Simplicity Of His Young.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

The World Has Suffered More From The Ravages Of Ill-advised Marriages Than From Virginity.

Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Exception, N. A Thing Which Takes The Liberty To Differ From Other Things Of Its Class, As An Honest Man, A Truthful Woman, Etc.

Peroration, N. The Explosion Of An Oratorical Rocket. It Dazzles, But To An Observer Having The Wrong Kind Of Nose Its Most Conspicuous Peculiarity Is The Smell Of The Several Kinds Of Powder Used In Preparing It.

One Of The Greatest Of Poets, Coleridge Was One Of The Wisest Of Men, And It Was Not For Nothing That He Read Us This Parable. Let Us Have A Little Less Of "hands Across The Sea," And A Little More Of That Elemental Distrust That Is The Security Of Nations. War Loves To Come Like A Thief In The Night; Professions Of Eternal Amity Provide The Night.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Idiot, N. A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling.

Pie, N. An Advance Agent Of The Reaper Whose Name Is Indigestion.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Pocket, N. The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman This Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience, Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.

Prescription: A Physician's Guess At What Will Best Prolong The Situation With Least Harm To The Patient.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Inexpedient: Not Calculated To Advance One's Interests.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

Palmistry, N. The 947th Method . . . Of Obtaining Money By False Pretences [by] "reading Character" In The Wrinkles [of] The Hand. The Pretence Is Not Altogether False. . . For The Wrinkles In Every Hand Submitted Plainly Spell The Word "dupe."

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

Ruin, V. To Destroy. Specifically, To Destroy A Maid's Belief In The Virtue Of Maids.

Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Weather, N. The Climate Of An Hour. A Permanent Topic Of Conversation Among Persons Whom It Does Not Interest, But Who Have Inherited The Tendency To Chatter About It From Naked Arboreal Ancestors Whom It Keenly Concerned. The Setting Up Of Official Weather Bureaus And Their Maintenance In Mendacity Prove That Even Governments Are Accessible To Suasion By The Rude Forefathers Of The Jungle.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.

Palm, N. A Species Of Tree . . . Of Which The Familiar "itching Palm" ("palma Hominis") Is Most Widely Distributed . . . . This Noble Vegetable Exudes A Kind Of Invisible Gum, Which May Be Detected By Applying To The Bark A Piece Of Gold Or Silver.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Medicine, N. A Stone Flung Down The Bowery To Kill A Dog In Broadway.

Mayonnaise: One Of The Sauces Which Serve The French In Place Of A State Religion.

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Children Who Have Proven Themselves To Be Incorrigible By The Age Of Twelve Should Be Quickly And Quietly Beheaded, Lest They Grow To Maturity, Marry, And Perpetuate The Likeness Of Their Being.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.

It Has Been Observed That One's Nose Is Never So Happy As When Thrust Into The Affairs Of Others From Which Some Physiologists Have Drawn The Inference That The Nose Is Devoid Of The Sense Of Smell.

Infalapsarian, N. One Who Ventures To Believe That Adam Need Not Have Sinned Unless He Had A Mind To - In Opposition To The Supralapsarians, Who Hold That That Luckless Person's Fall Was Decreed From The Beginning.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Censor, N. An Officer Of Certain Governments, Employed To Supress The Works Of Genius. Among The Romans The Censor Was An Inspector Of Public Morals, But The Public Morals Of Modern Nations Will Not Bear Inspection.

Limb, N. The Branch Of A Tree Or The Leg Of An American Woman.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

Rum, N. Generically, Fiery Liquors That Produce Madness In Total Abstainers.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

Doubt, Indulged And Cherished, Is In Danger Of Becoming Denial; But If Honest, And Bent On Thorough Investigation, It May Soon Lead To Full Establishment Of The Truth.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Organizes.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Clarinet N. An Instrument Of Torture Operated By A Person With Cotton In His Ears. There Are Two Instruments Worse Than A Clarinet – Two Clarinets.

Serial, N. A Literary Work, Usually A Story That Is Not True, Creeping Through Several Issues Of A Newspaper Or Magazine.

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Responsibility, N. A Detachable Burden Easily Shifted To The Shoulders Of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck Or One's Neighbor. In The Days Of Astrology It Was Customary To Unload It Upon A Star.

Trending Author

William Glasser

Category