Background Image

...

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Callous, Adj. Gifted With

Ambrose Bierce

...

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Views: 73222

Topic

Death Of A Friend

More From Ambrose Bierce

Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

Sacerdotalist, N. One Who Holds The Belief That A Clergyman Is A Priest. Denial Of This Momentous Doctrine Is The Hardest Challenge That Is Now Flung Into The Teeth Of The Episcopalian Church By The Neo-dictionarians.

Conversation, N.: A Vocal Competition In Which The One Who Is Catching His Breath Is Called The Listener.

Patriot, N. One To Whom The Interests Of A Part Seem Superior To Those Of The Whole. The Dupe Of Statesmen And The Tool Of Conquerors.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

God Alone Knows The Future, But Only An Historian Can Alter The Past.

The Partisan Strife In Which The People Of The Country Are Permitted To Periodically Engage Does Not Tend To The Development Of Ugly Traits Of Character, But Merely Discloses Those That Preexist.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

A Rabbit's Foot May Bring Good Luck To You, But It Brought None To The Rabbit.

Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Responsibility, N. A Detachable Burden Easily Shifted To The Shoulders Of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck Or One's Neighbor. In The Days Of Astrology It Was Customary To Unload It Upon A Star.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Learning, N. The Kind Of Ignorance Distinguishing The Studious.

The Liberality Of One Who Has Much, In Permitting One Who Has Nothing To Get All That He Can.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Peroration, N. The Explosion Of An Oratorical Rocket. It Dazzles, But To An Observer Having The Wrong Kind Of Nose Its Most Conspicuous Peculiarity Is The Smell Of The Several Kinds Of Powder Used In Preparing It.

Nepotism, N. Appointing Your Grandmother To Office For The Good Of The Party.

Presbyterian, N. One Who Holds The Conviction That The Government Authorities Of The Church Should Be Called Presbyters.

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

I Never Said All Democrats Were Saloonkeepers. What I Said Was That All Saloonkeepers Are Democrats.

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain.

Weaknesses, N.pl. Certain Primal Powers Of Tyrant Woman Wherewith She Holds Dominion Over The Male Of Her Species, Binding Him To The Service Of Her Will And Paralyzing His Rebellious Energies.

Replica, N. A Reproduction Of A Work Of Art, By The Artist That Made The Original. It Is So Called To Distinguish It From A "copy," Which Is Made By Another Artist. When The Two Are Mae With Equal Skill The Replica Is The More Valuable, For It Is Suppose

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Democracy Is Four Wolves And A Lamb Voting On What To Have For Lunch.

Democracies Have

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Palmistry, N. The 947th Method . . . Of Obtaining Money By False Pretences [by] "reading Character" In The Wrinkles [of] The Hand. The Pretence Is Not Altogether False. . . For The Wrinkles In Every Hand Submitted Plainly Spell The Word "dupe."

Commendation N. The Tribute That We Pay To Achievements That Resembles But Do Not Equal Our Own.

Poverty, N. A File Provided For The Teeth Of The Rats Of Reform. Its Victims Are Distinguished By Possession Of All The Virtues And By Their Faith In Leaders Seeking To Conduct Them Into A Prosperity Where They Believe These To Be Unknown.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Piano, N. A Parlor Utensil For Subduing The Impenitent Visitor. It Is Operated By Depressing The Keys Of The Machine And The Spirits Of The Audience.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Before Undergoing A Surgical Operation, Arrange Your Temporal Affairs. You May Live.

Uncommon Extension Of The Fear Of Death.

Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

Preside, V. To Guide The Action Of A Deliberative Body To A Desirable Result. In Journalese, To Perform Upon A Musical Instrument; As, "he Presided At The Piccolo."

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Incompossible, Adj. Unable To Exist If Something Else Exists. Two Things Are Incompossible When The World Of Being Has Scope Enough For One Of Them, But Not Enough For Both - As Walt Whitman's Poetry And God's Mercy To Man.

Accordion, N. An Instrument In Harmony With The Sentiments Of An Assassin.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

Miss, N. A Title Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market.

Dictionary: A Malevolent Literary Device For Cramping The Growth Of A Language And Making It Hard And Inelastic

Literary Devices

Beggar, N. One Who Has Relied On The Assistance Of His Friends.

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Women And Foxes, Being Weak, Are Distinguished By Superior Tact.

Deliberation, N.: The Act Of Examining One's Bread To Determine Which Side It Is Buttered On.

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral. If Mans Notions Of Right And Wrong Have Any Other Basis Than This Of Expediency; If They Originated, Or Could Have Originated, In Any Other Way; If Actions Have In Themselves A Moral Character Apart From And Nowise Dependent On, Their Consequences-then All Philosophy Is A Lie And Reason A Disorder Of The Mind.

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Ejection, N. An Approved Remedy For The Disease Of Garrulity. It Is Also Much Used In Cases Of Extreme Poverty.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Frog, N. A Reptile With Edible Legs

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

Old, Adj. In That Stage Of Usefulness Which Is Not Inconsistent With General Inefficiency, As An "old Man". Discredited By Lapse Of Time And Offensive To The Popular Taste, As An "old" Book.

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

A Trite Popular Saying, Or Proverb. (figurative And Colloquial.) So Called Because It Makes Its Way Into A Wooden Head. Following Are Examples Of Old Saws Fitted With New Teeth.

Logomachy, N. A War In Which The Weapons Are Words And The Wounds Punctures In The Swim-bladder Of Self-esteem - A Kind Of Contest In Which, The Vanquished Being Unconscious Of Defeat, The Victor Is Denied The Reward Of Success.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Gnu, N. An Animal Of South Africa, Which In Its Domesticated State Resembles A Horse, A Buffalo And A Stag. In Its Wild Condition It Is Something Like A Thunderbolt, An Earthquake And A Cyclone.

Every Patriot Believes His Country Better Than Any Other Country . . . In Its Active Manifestation-it Is Fond Of Killing-patriotism Would Be Well Enough If It Were Simply Defensive, But It Is Also Aggressive . . . Patriotism Deliberately And With Folly Aforethought Subordinates The Interests Of A Whole To The Interests Of A Part . . . Patriotism Is Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave And Blind As A Stone.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Women In Love Are Less Ashamed Than Men. They Have Less To Be Ashamed Of.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Justice Is A Commodity Which In A More Or Less Adulterated Condition The State Sells To The Citizen As A Reward For His Allegiance, Taxes And Personal Service.

Mesmerism, N. Hypnotism Before It Wore Good Clothes, Kept A Carriage And Asked Incredulity To Dinner.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Diagnosis, N. A Physician's Forecast Of Disease By The Patient's Pulse And Purse.

Insurrection. An Unsuccessful Revolution; Disaffection's Failure To Substitute Misrule For Bad Government.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London

Adage, N. Boned Wisdom For Weak Teeth.

Nominee. A Modest Gentleman Shrinking From The Distinction Of Private Life And Diligently Seeking The Honorable Obscurity Of Public Office.

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Medical Profession

Happiness Is Lost By Criticizing It; Sorrow By Accepting It.

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

War: A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace.

Observatory, N. A Place Where Astronomers Conjecture Away The Guesses Of Their Predecessors.

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

Out-of-doors, N. That Part Of One's Environment Upon Which No Government Has Been Able To Collect Taxes. Chiefly Useful To Inspire Poets.

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Pastime, N. A Device For Promoting Dejection. Gentle Exercise For Intellectual Debility.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

Advice, The Smallest Current Coin.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Christian, N.: One Who Believes That The New Testament Is A Divinely Inspired Book Admirably Suited To The Spiritual Needs Of His Neighbor.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

President, N. The Leading Figure In A Small Group Of Men Of Whom - And Of Whom Only - It Is Positively Known That Immense Numbers Of Their Countrymen Did Not Want Any Of Them For President.

Close-fisted, Adj. Unduly Desirous Of Keeping That Which Many Meritorious Persons Wish To Obtain.

Physiognomy, N. The Art Of Determining The Character Of Another By The Resemblances And Differences Between His Face And Our Own, Which Is The Standard Of Excellence.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Minister, N. An Agent Of A Higher Power With A Lower Responsibility. In Diplomacy, An Officer Sent Into A Foreign Country As The Visible Embodiment Of His Sovereign's Hostility.

Admiral. That Part Of A Warship Which Does The Talking While The Figurehead Does The Thinking.

Success Is The One Unpardonable Sin Against Our Fellows.

Thought Provoking

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Aim, N. The Task We Set Our Wishes To.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Enough, Pro. All There Is In The World If You Like It.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Ultimatum, N. In Diplomacy, A Last Demand Before Resorting To Concessions.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

A Statesman Who Shakes The Fruit Trees Of His Neighbors - To Dislodge The Worms.

A Man Who Piously Shuts Himself Up To Meditate Upon The Sin Of Wickedness And To Keep It Fresh In His Mind Joins A Brotherhood Of Awful Examples.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Duty - That Which Sternly Impels Us In The Direction Of Profit, Along The Line Of Desire.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Ink, N. A Villainous Compound Of Tannogallate Of Iron, Gum-arabic, And Water, Chiefly Used To Facilitate The Infection Of Idiocy And Promote Intellectual Crime.

Prehistoric, Adj. Belonging To An Early Period And A Museum. Antedating The Art And Practice Of Perpetuating Falsehood.

An Election Is Nothing More Than The Advanced Auction Of Stolen Goods.

Apothecary, N. The Physician's Accomplice, Undertaker's Benefactor And Grave Worm's Provider

Discriminate, V.i. To Note The Particulars In Which One Person Or Thing Is, If Possible, More Objectionable Than Another.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

A Wedding Is A Ceremony At Which Two Persons Undertake To Become One, One Undertakes To Become Nothing, And Nothing Undertakes To Become Supportable.

Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.

Pessimism- Philosophy Forced Upon The Convictions Of The Observer By The Disheartening Prevalence Of The Optimist With His Scarecrow Hope And His Unsightly Smile.

History Is An Account, Mostly False, Of Events, Mostly Unimportant, Which Are Brought About By Rulers, Mostly Knaves, And Soldiers, Mostly Fools.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

The Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses.

Patriotism Is As Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave, Blind As A Stone, And Irrational As A Headless Hen.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Monkey, N. An Arboreal Animal Which Makes Itself At Home In Genealogical Trees.

A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.

Guillotine, N. A Machine Which Makes A Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders With Good Reason.

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

Reverence For The Supreme Being, Based Upon His Supposed Resemblance To Man. The Pig Is Taught By Sermons And Epistles / To Think The God Of Swine Has Snout And Bristles.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Trending Author

Vincent Schiavelli

Martha Gellhorn

Category