Pantaloons, N. A Nether Habiliment Of The Adult Civilized Male. The Garment Is Tubular And Unprovided With Hinges At The Points Of Flexion. Supposed To Have Been Invented By A Humorist. Called Trousers By The Enlightened And Pants By The Unworthy.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Pantaloons, N. A Nether

Ambrose Bierce

Topic

Adults

Males

Pants

More From Ambrose Bierce

Trichinosis, N. The Pig's Reply To Proponents Of Porcophagy.

Food

Pigs

Cooking

Dentist: A Prestidigitator Who, Putting Metal Into Your Mouth, Pulls Coin Out Of Your Pocket.

Funny

Science

Pockets

Material, Adj. Having An Actual Existence, As Distinguished From An Imaginary One. Important.

Important

Existence

Distinguished

Woman, N. An Animal Usually Living In The Vicinity Of Man, And Having A Rudimentary Susceptibility To Domestication.

Life

Women

Animal

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

Science

Animal

Path

Wheat, N. A Cereal From Which A Tolerably Good Whisky Can Be Made; . . . Also For Bread. The French Are Said To Eat More Bread "per Capita" Of Population Than Any Other People, Which Is Natural, For Only They Know How To Make The Stuff Palatable.

Food

Cereal

People

A Bad Workman Quarrels With The Man Who Calls Him That.

Men

He Man

Incompetence

Cemetery, N. An Isolated Suburban Spot Where Mourners Match Lies, Poets Write At A Target And Stone-cutters Spell For A Wager.

Lying

Writing

Target

Rational, Adj. Devoid Of All Delusions Save Those Of Observation, Experience And Reflection.

Reflection

Experience

Observation

Truth Is So Good A Thing That Falsehood Can Not Afford To Be Without It.

Truth Is

Can Not

Falsehood

Good-bye -- If You Hear Of My Being Stood Up Against A Stone Wall And Shot To Rags Please Know That I Think That A Pretty Good Way To Depart This Life. It Beats Old Age, Disease Or Falling Down The Cellar Stairs.

Wall

Fall

Thinking

An Army's Bravest Men Are Its Cowards. The Death Which They Would Not Meet At The Hands Of The Enemy They Will Meet At The Hands Of Their Officers, With Never A Flinching.

Army

Men

Hands

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

Taxes

Goods

Household

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Wine

Lips

Connoisseur

Hand, N. A Singular Instrument Worn At The End Of The Human Arm And Commonly Thrust Into Somebody's Pocket.

Hands

Pockets

Arms

Something That Is Supposed To Typify Or Stand For Something Else. Many Symbols Are Mere "survivals" - As Funereal Urns Carved On Memorial Monuments. We Cannot Stop Making Them, But We Can Give Them A Name That Conceals Our Helplessness.

Names

Giving

Memorial

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Death

Feet

Graves

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Art

Peace

War

Mausoleum, N: The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.

Dying

Finals

Rich

Mustang, N. An Indocile Horse Of The Western Plains. In English Society, The American Wife Of An English Nobleman.

Horse

Wife

Society

Arena, N. In Politics, An Imaginary Rat-pit In Which The Statesman Wrestles With His Record.

Pits

Records

Politics

Asperse, V.t. Maliciously To Ascribe To Another Vicious Actions Which One Has Not Had The Temptation And Opportunity To Commit.

Opportunity

Temptation

Action

Perfection, N. An Imaginary State Of Quality Distinguished From The Actual By An Element Known As Excellence; An Attribute Of The Critic. The Editor Of An English Magazine Having Received A Letter Pointing Out The Erroneous Nature Of His Views And Style, And Signed "perfection," Promptly Wrote At The Foot Of The Letter: "i Don't Agree With You," And Mailed It To Matthew Arnold.

Views

Editors

Feet

Education, N.: That Which Discloses To The Wise And Disguises From The Foolish Their Lack Of Understanding.

Education

Wise

Wisdom

Salamander: Originally A Reptile Inhabiting Fire; Later, An Anthropomorphous Immortal, But Still A Pyrophile. Salamanders Are Now Believed To Be Extinct, The Last One Of Which We Have An Account Having Been Seen In Carcassonne By The Abbe Belloc, Who Exorcised It With A Bucket Of Holy Water.

Fire

Water

Buckets

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

Politics

Lectures

Finance

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition. Its Origin Is Related By The Ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape As "one Day A Wag - What Would The Wretch Be At? Shifted A Letter Of The Cipher Rat, And Said It Was A God's Name! . . ."

Art

Father

Names

Birth, N. The First And Direst Of All Disasters. As To The Nature Of It There Appears To Be No Uniformity. Castor And Pollux Were Born From The Egg. Pallas Came Out Of A Skull. Galatea Was Once A Block Of Stone. Peresilis, Who Wrote In The Tenth Century, Avers That He Grew Up Out Of The Ground Where A Priest Had Spilled Holy Water. It Is Known That Arimaxus Was Derived From A Hole In The Earth, Made By A Stroke Of Lightning. Leucomedon Was The Son Of A Cavern In Mount Etna, And I Have Myself Seen A Man Come Out Of A Wine Cellar.

Block

Wine

Science

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Heart

Funny Relationship

Psychology

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

Inspirational

Commodity

Neighbor

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

Kings

America

Males

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

Law

Criminals

Dignity

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Baptism

World

Firsts

Pocket, N. The Cradle Of Motive And The Grave Of Conscience. In Woman This Organ Is Lacking; So She Acts Without Motive, And Her Conscience, Denied Burial, Remains Ever Alive, Confessing The Sins Of Others.

Pockets

Alive

Sin

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Adore

Acknowledge, V.t. To Confess. Acknowledgment Of One Another's Faults Is The Highest Duty Imposed By Our Love Of Truth.

Love

Truth

Faults

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Family

Men

Care

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Success

Congratulations

Two

An Egotist Is A Person Of Low Taste - More Interested In Himself Than In Me.

Humorous

Profound

Ego

Coronation: The Ceremony Of Investing A Sovereign With The Outward And Visible Signs Of His Divine Right To Be Blown Skyhigh With A Dynamite Bomb.

Divine Right

Bombs

Investing

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Food

Paris

Cooking

Envy, N. Emulation Adapted To The Meanest Capacity.

Envy

Emulation

Capacity

Preference, N. A Sentiment, Or Frame Of Mind, Induced By The Erroneous Belief That One Thing Is Better Than Another.

Time

Mind

Belief

Along The Road Of Life Are Many Pleasure Resorts, But Think Not That By Tarrying In Them You Will Take More Days To The Journey. The Day Of Your Arrival Is Already Recorded.

Life

Journey

Thinking

Confidante: One Entrusted By A With The Secrets Of B Confided To Herself By C.

Gossip

Secret

Confidant

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Dog

Mean

World

Destiny: A Tyrant's Authority For Crime And A Fool's Excuse For Failure.

Failure

Destiny

Tyrants

Photograph: A Picture Painted By The Sun Without Instruction In Art.

Inspirational

Photography

Art

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Funny

Age

Nervous

You Don't Have To Be Stupid To Be A Christian, ... But It Probably Helps.

Christian

Stupid

Helping

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

Differences

World

Geographers

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Science

Knives

Elephants

Force, N. "force Is But Might," The Teacher Said P/ "that Definition's Just."/ The Boy Said Naught But Throught Instead,/ Remembering His Pounded Head:/ "force Is Not Might But Must!"

Teacher

Boys

Justice

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

Kindness

Volume

Ten

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Food

Men

Oysters

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

Military

Silence

Form

Ribaldry, N. Censorious Language By Another Concerning Oneself.

Language

Oneself

The Best Kind Of Onion Soup Is The Simplest Kind.

Onions

Soup

Kind

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

Determination

Heart

Eye

Absence Blots People Out. We Really Have No Absent Friends.

People

Absence

Absent Friends

Respite, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities Against A Sentenced Assassin, To Enable The Executive To Determine Whether The Murder May Not Have Been Done By The Prosecuting Attorney. Any Break In The Continuity Of A Disagreeable Expectation.

Expectations

Done

Assassins

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Reality

Connections

Enthusiasm

HomŒopathist, N. The Humorist Of The Medical Profession.

Science

Medical Profession

Humour

Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.

Sarcastic

Animal

Purpose

For Every Man There Is Something In The Vocabulary That Would Stick To Him Like A Second Skin. His Enemies Have Only To Find It.

Men

Vocabulary

Names

Feast, N. A Festival. A Religious Celebration Usually Signalized By Gluttony And Drunkenness, Frequently In Honor Of Some Holy Person Distinguished For Abstemiousness.

Religious

Food

Perspective

They Say That Hens Do Cackle Loudest When There Is Nothing Vital In The Eggs They Have Laid.

Vanity

Eggs

Hens

Sacerdotalist, N. One Who Holds The Belief That A Clergyman Is A Priest. Denial Of This Momentous Doctrine Is The Hardest Challenge That Is Now Flung Into The Teeth Of The Episcopalian Church By The Neo-dictionarians.

Challenges

Church

Teeth

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves. He Is Like The Lower End Of A Suspended Chain; You Can Sway Him Slightly To The Right Or The Left, But Remove Your Hand And He Falls Into Line With The Other Links.

Fall

Men

Hands

Here's To Woman! Would That We Could Fold Into Her Arms Without Falling Into Her Hands.

Love

Women

Fall

A Penny Saved Is A Penny To Squander.

Pennies

Thrift

Saved

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Youth

Wounds

Rumor, N. A Favorite Weapon Of The Assassins Of Character.

Character

Rumor

Assassins

Who Never Doubted, Never Half Believed. Where Doubt Is, There Truth Is - It Is Her Shadow.

Doubt

Shadow

Half

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Fashion

Powerful

Decision

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Belief

Opinion

Absurdity

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Would Be

Telephones

Teach

A Malefactor Who Atones For Making Your Writing Nonsense By Permitting The Compositor To Make It Unintelligible.

Writing

Nonsense

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

Philosophy

Fall

Science

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used ... As A Counterpoise To An Argument Of Such Weight That It Turns The Scale Of Debate The Wrong Way. An Interesting Fact In The Chemistry Of International Controversy Is That At The Point Of Contact Of Two Patriotisms Lead Is Precipitated In Great Quantities.

Science

Blue

Two

Adage, N. Boned Wisdom For Weak Teeth.

Wisdom

Teeth

Weak

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom. The Flabby Wine-skin Of His Brain Yields To Some Pathologic Strain, And Voids From Its Unstored Abysm The Driblet Of An Aphorism. "the Mad Philosopher," 1697

Wine

Yield

Mad

Bait, N. A Preparation That Renders The Hook More Palatable. The Best Kind Is Beauty.

Beauty

Kindness

Preparation

Experience - The Wisdom That Enables Us To Recognise In An Undesirable Old Acquaintance The Folly That We Have Already Embraced.

Wisdom

Experience

Recognise You

Mad, Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence.

Sarcastic

Mad

Intellectual

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Hypocrite

Hypocrisy

Halos

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Quotations

Proof, N. Evidence Having A Shade More Of Plausibility Than Of Unlikelihood. The Testimony Of Two Credible Witnesses As Opposed To That Of Only One.

Science

Two

Shade

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

Independent

Abnormal

Matter

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Digging

Purpose

Truce

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Arbitration

Burning

May

Sarcophagus, N. Among The Greeks A Coffin Which Being Made Of A Certain Kind Of Carnivorous Stone, Had The Peculiar Property Of Devouring The Body Placed In It.

Kindness

Greek

Peculiar

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Friendship

Adversity

Privilege

Be As Decent As You Can. Don't Believe Without Evidence. Treat Things Divine With Marked Respect — Don't Have Anything To Do With Them. Do Not Trust Humanity Without Collateral Security; It Will Play You Some Scurvy Trick. Remember That It Hurts No One To Be Treated As An Enemy Entitled To Respect Until He Shall Prove Himself A Friend Worthy Of Affection. Cultivate A Taste For Distasteful Truths. And, Finally, Most Important Of All, Endeavor To See Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Hurt

Believe

Play

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Dream

Nudge Nudge

Friendly

Owe, V. To Have (and To Hold) A Debt. The Word Formerly Signified Not Indebtedness, But Possession; It Meant "own," And In The Minds Of Debtors There Is Still A Good Deal Of Confusion Between Assets And Liabilities.

Confusion

Confusing

Mind

Immigrant: An Unenlightened Person Who Thinks One Country Better Than Another.

Country

Thinking

Persons

Discriminate, V.i. To Note The Particulars In Which One Person Or Thing Is, If Possible, More Objectionable Than Another.

Discrimination

Notes

Persons

Mace, N. A Staff Of Office Signifying Authority. Its Form, That Of A Heavy Club, Indicates Its Original Purpose And Use In Dissuading From Dissent.

Office

Purpose

Use

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

Christian

Camels

Kneeling

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Time

Lying

Childhood

It Is Evident That Skepticism, While It Makes No Actual Change In Man, Always Makes Him Feel Better.

Change

Feel Better

Men

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Dumb

Truthful

Illiterate

Mugwump, N. In Politics One Afflicted With Self-respect And Addicted To The Vice Of Independence. A Term Of Contempt.

Self

Independence

Vices

When You Doubt, Abstain.

Doubt

Forgetfulness - A Gift Of God Bestowed Upon Debtors In Compensation For Their Destitution Of Conscience.

Debtors

Owing A Debt

Forgetful

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Night

Doe

Hyenas

Blank-verse, N. Unrhymed Iambic Pentameters - The Most Difficult Kind Of English Verse To Write Acceptably; A Kind, Therefore, Much Affected By Those Who Cannot Acceptably Write Any Kind.

Kindness

Writing

Blank

Diplomacy, N.: The Patriotic Art Of Lying For One's Country.

Sarcastic

Country

Art

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Temptation

Purpose

Impulse

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Mind

Comfort

Neighbor

Liar, N. One Who Tells An Unpleasant Truth.

Truth

Liars

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

Running

Men

Numbers

Empty Wine Bottles Have A Bad Opinion Of Women.

Food

Wine

Bottles

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Religious

Oil

Law

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Leadership

School

Nihilist

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

Funny

Jealousy

Sarcastic

Alone, Adj. In Bad Company.

Solitude

Bad Company

Company

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

Life

Time

Men

Homicide, /n./ The Slaying Of One Human By Another. There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy, But It Makes No Great Difference To The Person Slain Whether He Died By One Kind Or Another - The Classification Is For The Advantage Of The Lawyers.

Death

Suicide

Differences

Discussion, N. A Method Of Confirming Others In Their Errors.

Science

Errors

Method

Cannon, N. An Instrument Employed In The Rectification Of National Boundaries.

Peace

War

Boundaries

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Eye

Thinking

Age

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Long

Letters

Lasts

Reason, N. Propensitate Of Prejudice.

Pantheism, N. The Doctrine That Everything Is God, In Contradistinction To The Doctrine That God Is Everything.

Doctrine

Pantheism

Obstinate, Adj. Inaccessible To The Truth As It Is Manifest In The Splendor And Stress Of Our Advocacy.

Truth

Stress

Splendor

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Distance

Rich

Poor

Revolution, N. In Politics, An Abrupt Change In The Form Of Misgovernment.

Political Revolution

Cynical

Democracy

As Records Of Courts And Justice Are Admissible, It Can Easily Be Proved That Powerful And Malevolent Magicians Once Existed And Were A Scourge To Mankind. The Evidence (including Confession) Upon Which Certain Women Were Convicted Of Witchcraft And Executed Was Without A Flaw; It Is Still Unimpeachable. The Judges' Decisions Based On It Were Sound In Logic And In Law. Nothing In Any Existing Court Was Ever More Thoroughly Proved Than The Charges Of Witchcraft And Sorcery For Which So Many Suffered Death. If There Were No Witches, Human Testimony And Human Reason Are Alike Destitute Of Value.

Powerful

Law

Judging

A Wedding Is A Ceremony At Which Two Persons Undertake To Become One, One Undertakes To Become Nothing, And Nothing Undertakes To Become Supportable.

Wedding

Two

Ceremony

Satire, N. An Obsolete Kind Of Literary Composition In Which The Vices And Follies Of The Author's Enemies Were Expounded With Imperfect Tenderness.

Kindness

Imperfection

Enemy

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

Dies

Sinning

Presbyterian, N. One Who Holds The Conviction That The Government Authorities Of The Church Should Be Called Presbyters.

Government

Church

Conviction

Portuguese, N.pl. A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal. They Are Mostly Without Feathers And Imperfectly Edible, Even When Stuffed With Garlic.

Food

Cooking

Portugal

At War With Savages And Idiots. To Be A Frenchman Abroad Is To Be Miserable; To Be An American Abroad Is To Make Others Miserable.

War

Savages

Idiot

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Death

Religious

Dying

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

Book

Writing

Perfect

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

Wise

Food

Men

Brain: An Apparatus With Which We Think We Think.

Education

Math

Thinking

Theology Is A Thing Of Unreason Altogether, An Edifice Of Assumptions And Dreams, A Superstructure Without A Substructure

Dream

Assumption

Theology

I Was Born To Poor Because Of Honest Parents.

Parent

Honest

Poor

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Disappointment

Stage

Disillusion

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Hunger

Instinct

Appetite

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Religion

Atheism

World

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Country

Hypocrite

United States

Belladonna, N.: In Italian A Beautiful Lady; In English A Deadly Poison. A Striking Example Of The Essential Identity Of The Two Tongues.

Beautiful

Italian

Two

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Opportunity

Attachment

Enterprise

Gravitation, N. The Tendency Of All Bodies To Approach One Another With A Strength Proportioned To The Quantity Of Matter They Contain-the Quantity Of Matter They Contain Being Ascertained By The Strength Of Their Tendency To Approach One Another. This Is A Lovely And Edifying Illustration Of How Science, Having Made A The Proof Of B, Makes B The Proof Of A.

Science

Illustration

Lovely

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Science

Men

Thinking

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Running

Wine

Alcohol

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Needs

Cows

Whiskey

Administration, N. An Ingenious Abstraction In Politics, Designed To Receive The Kicks And Cuffs Due To The Premier Or President. A Man Of Straw, Proof Against Bad-egging And Dead-catting.

Men

President

Cuffs

Age - That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That Remain By Reviling Those We Have No Longer The Vigor To Commit.

Life

Time

Age

Nothing Is More Logical Than Persecution. Religious Tolerance Is A Kind Of Infidelity.

Religious

Tolerance

Infidelity

Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.

Book

Ignorance

Knowledge

Repartee, N. Prudent Insult In Retort. Practiced By Gentlemen With A Constitutional Aversion To Violence, But A Strong Disposition To Offend. In A War Of Words, The Tactics Of The North American Indian.

Strong

War

Gentleman

Hermit, N. A Person Whose Vices And Follies Are Not Sociable.

Vices

Hermits

Folly

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance... The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One - The Knowledge And The Dream.

Dream

Future

Past

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

Gentleman

Church

Palaces

Pre-adamite, N. One Of An Experimental And Apparently Unsatisfactory Race Of Antedated Creation. . . . Little Its Known Of Them Beyond The Fact That They Supplied Cain With A Wife And Theologians With A Controversy.

Race

Wife

Cain

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

Life

Temptation

Add

When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.

Adversity

Evil

Fool

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Art

Weather

Painting

Quotient, N. A Number Showing How Many Times A Sum Of Money Belonging To One Person Is Contained In The Pocket Of Another - Usually About As Many Times As It Can Be Got There.

Money

Numbers

Pockets

Mummy, N. - An Ancient Egyptian Handy, Too, In Museums In Gratifying The Vulgar Curiosity That Serves To Distinguish Man From The Lower Animals.

Men

Animal

Museums

Lawyer, N. One Skilled In Circumvention Of The Law.

Law

Lawyer

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

Process

Latter

Existence

Take Not God's Name In Vain; Select A Time When It Will Have Effect.

Funny

God

Names

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Names

Numbers

Confusion

Learning -the Kind Of Ignorance Affected By (and Affecting) Civilized Races, As Distinguished From Ignorance, The Sort Of Learning Incurred By Savages. See Nonsense.

Learning

Ignorance

Race

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Demand

Answers

Argument

Sycophant- One Who Approaches Greatness On His Belly So That He May Not Be Commanded To Turn And Be Kicked. He Is Sometimes An Editor.

Greatness

Editors

Sycophants

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Success

Wall

Heaven

Evolutionary Biology Is Genuinely Scientific, But More Than That It Opens The Door To A World More Marvellous Than Any Christian Fundamentalist Has Ever Read Into The Pages Of The Bible.

Christian

Doors

World

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Mother

Motherhood

Accountability

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

Wife

Half

Bitter

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

Clarity

Said

Communicate

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Firsts

Instinct

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Eye

Science

Ears

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Faith

Science

Hands

Ambidextrous, Adj.: Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-hand Pocket Or A Left.

Hands

Skills

Pockets

Accuse, V.t. To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of Ourselves For Having Wronged Him.

Guilt

Justification

Wronged

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

Death

Moving

Lines

To Renounce An Honor For An Advantage. To Renounce An Advantage For A Greater Advantage.

Honor

Advantage

Renounce

Reparation, N. Satisfaction That Is Made For A Wrong And Deducted From The Satisfaction Felt In Committing It.

Satisfaction

Made

Felt

The Place Whereon The Priest Formerly Raveled Out The Small Intestine Of The Sacrificial Victim For Purposes Of Divination And Cooked Its Flesh For The Gods. The Word Is Now Seldom Used, Except With Reference To The Sacrifice Of Their Liberty And Peace By A Male And A Female Fool.

Sacrifice

Atheism

Liberty

Opiate, N. An Unlocked Door In The Prison Of Identity. It Leads Into The Jail Yard.

Science

Jail

Doors

Work: A Dangerous Disorder Affecting High Public Functionaries Who Want To Go Fishing.

Lakes

Sea

Fishing

Moral, Adj. Conforming To A Local And Mutable Standard Of Right. Having The Quality Of General Expediency.

Quality

Morality

Standards

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Beautiful

Fall

Adversity

Scrap-book, N. A Book That Is Commonly Edited By A Fool. Many Persons Of Some Small Distinction Compile Scrap-books Containing Whatever They Happen To Read About Themselves Or Employ Others To Collect.

Book

Fool

Distinction

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Player

Politics

Dice

Cribbage, N. A Substitute For Conversation Among Those To Whom Nature Has Denied Ideas.

Ideas

Substitutes

Conversation

Rimer, N. A Poet Regarded With Indifference Or Disesteem.

Differences

Indifference

Poet

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

San Francisco

People

Lasts

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

Independent

Men

Average

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Baby

Holy Water

Caverns

The Most Intolerant Advocate Is He Who Is Trying To Convince Himself.

Trying

Convince

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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