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Acquaintance: "a Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To. A Degree Of Friendship Called Slight When Its Object Is Poor Or Obscure, And Intimate When He Is Rich Or Famous.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Acquaintance: "a Person Whom

Ambrose Bierce

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Acquaintance: "a Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To. A Degree Of Friendship Called Slight When Its Object Is Poor Or Obscure, And Intimate When He Is Rich Or Famous.

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Ugliness, N. A Gift Of The Gods To Certain Women, Entailing Virtue Without Humility.

Inventor: A Person Who Makes An Ingenious Arrangement Of Wheels, Levers And Springs, And Believes It Civilization.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

As Records Of Courts And Justice Are Admissible, It Can Easily Be Proved That Powerful And Malevolent Magicians Once Existed And Were A Scourge To Mankind. The Evidence (including Confession) Upon Which Certain Women Were Convicted Of Witchcraft And Executed Was Without A Flaw; It Is Still Unimpeachable. The Judges' Decisions Based On It Were Sound In Logic And In Law. Nothing In Any Existing Court Was Ever More Thoroughly Proved Than The Charges Of Witchcraft And Sorcery For Which So Many Suffered Death. If There Were No Witches, Human Testimony And Human Reason Are Alike Destitute Of Value.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

What Is Worth Doing Is Worth The Trouble Of Asking Somebody To Do It.

An Appellate Court Which Reverses The Judgment Of A Popular Author's Contemporaries, The Appellant Being His Obscure Competitor.

Doubt Begins Only At The Last Frontiers Of What Is Possible.

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

Gout, A Physician's Name For The Rheumatism Of A Rich Patient

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

Hurricane, N. An Atmospheric Demonstration Once Very Common But Now Generally Abandoned For The Tornado And Cyclone. The Hurricane Is Still In Popular Use In The West Indies And Is Preferred By Certain Old- Fashioned Sea-captains.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Here's To Woman! Would That We Could Fold Into Her Arms Without Falling Into Her Hands.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

A Chop Is A Piece Of Leather Skillfully Attached To A Bone And Administered To The Patients At Restaurants.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

Opera, N. A Play Representing Life In Another World, Whose Inhabitants Have No Speech But Song, No Motions But Gestures And No Postures But Attitudes.

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

The Covers Of This Book Are Too Far Apart.

A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

Adder, N. A Species Of Snake. So Called From Its Habit Of Adding Funeral Outlays To The Other Expenses Of Living.

Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Death Is A Dignitary Who When He Comes Announced Is Received With Formal Manifestations Of Respect, Even By Those Most Familiar With Him. In The Code Of Military Etiquette Silence And Fixity Are Forms Of Deference

X, N. In Our Alphabet Being A Needless Letter Has An Added Invincibility To The Attacks Of The Spelling Reformers, And Like Them, Will Doubtless Last As Long As The Language.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

A Pessimist Asked God For Relief. Ah, You Wish Me To Restore Your Hope And Cheerfulness, Said God. No, Replied The Petitioner, I Wish You To Create Something That Would Justify Them. The World Is All Created,said God, But You Have Overlooked Something

Pandemonium, N. Literally, The Place Of All The Demons. Most Of Them Have Escaped Into Politics And Finance, And The Place Is Now Used As A Lecture Hall By The Audible Reformer.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of A Remarkable Christian Forebearance Among Men.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Happiness Has Not To All The Same Name: To Youth She Is Known As The Future; Age Knows Her As The Dream.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Patience, N. A Minor Form Of Dispair, Disguised As A Virtue.

Glutton- A Person Who Escapes The Evils Of Moderation By Committing Dyspepsia.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Oblivion, N. The State Or Condition In Which The Wicked Cease From Struggling And The Dreary Are At Rest. Fame's Eternal Dumping Ground.

Zoology, N. The Science And History Of The Animal Kingdom, Including Its King, The House Fly ("musca Maledicta"). The Father Of Zoology Was Aristotle, As Is Universally Conceded, But The Name Of Its Mother Has Not Come Down To Us.

Imagination, N. A Warehouse Of Facts, With Poet And Liar In Joint Ownership.

Snow Pursued By The Wind Is Not Wholly Unlike A Retreating Army. In The Open Field It Ranges Itself In Ranks And Battalions; Where It Can Get A Foothold It Makes A Stand; Where It Can Take Cover It Does So. You May See Whole Platoons Of Snow Cowering Behind A Bit Of Broken Wall.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Scribbler, N. A Professional Writer Whose Views Are Antagonistic To One's Own.

Ingrate, N. One Who Receives A Benefit From Another, Or Is Otherwise An Object Of Charity.

Reality, N. The Dream Of A Mad Philosopher. That Which Would Remain In The Cupel If One Should Assay A Phantom. The Nucleus Of A Vacuum.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

Absurdity, N.: A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Spooker, N. A Writer Whose Imagination Concerns Itself With Supernatural Phenomena, Especially In The Doings Of Spooks.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Evolutionary Biology Is Genuinely Scientific, But More Than That It Opens The Door To A World More Marvellous Than Any Christian Fundamentalist Has Ever Read Into The Pages Of The Bible.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

Luminary, One Who Throws Light Upon A Subject; As An Editor By Not Writing About It.

Christian - One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ Insofar As They Are Not Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

Old, Adj. In That Stage Of Usefulness Which Is Not Inconsistent With General Inefficiency, As An "old Man". Discredited By Lapse Of Time And Offensive To The Popular Taste, As An "old" Book.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

Majesty, N. The State And Title Of A King. Regarded With A Just Contempt By The Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees And Imperial Potentates Of The Ancient And Honorable Orders Of Republican America.

Respite, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities Against A Sentenced Assassin, To Enable The Executive To Determine Whether The Murder May Not Have Been Done By The Prosecuting Attorney. Any Break In The Continuity Of A Disagreeable Expectation.

As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

Guillotine, N. A Machine Which Makes A Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders With Good Reason.

Caviler, N. A Critic Of Our Own Work.

Patriotism Is As Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave, Blind As A Stone, And Irrational As A Headless Hen.

The Speech Of One Who Utters With His Tongue What He Thinks With His Ear, And Feels The Pride Of A Creator In Accomplishing The Feat Of A Parrot. A Means (under Providence) Of Setting Up As A Wit Without A Capital Of Sense.

Sauce, N. The One Infallible Sign Of Civilization And Enlightenment. A People With No Sauces Has One Thousand Vices; A People With One Sauce Has Only Nine Hundred And Ninety-nine. For Every Sauce Invented And Accepted A Vice Is Renounced And Forgiven.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

K, N. A Consonant; Originally Precisely That Of Our H, But Altered To Its Present Shape To Commemorate The Destruction Of [one Of Two Lofty Columns In] The Great Temple Of Jarute.

Don't Board With The Devil If You Wish To Be Fat.

Reflection,n: An Action Of The Mind Whereby We Obtain A Clearer View Of Our Relation To The Things Of Yesterday And Are Able To Avoid The Perils That We Shall Not Again Encounter

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

Diagnosis, N. A Physician's Forecast Of Disease By The Patient's Pulse And Purse.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Uxoriousness, N. A Perverted Affection That Has Strayed To One's Own Wife.

Miss: A Title With Which We Brand Unmarried Women To Indicate That They Are In The Market. Miss, Misses (mrs.) And Mister (mr.) Are The Three Most Distinctly Disagreeable Words In The Language, In Sound And Sense.

Optimist – A Proponent Of The Doctrine That Black Is White.

Repentance, N. The Faithful Attendant And Follower Of Punishment. It Is Usually Manifest In A Degree Of Reformation That Is Not Inconsistent With Continuity Of Sin.

Fashion, N. A Despot Whom The Wise Ridicule And Obey.

Loss, N. Privation Of That Which We Had, Or Had Not. Thus, In The Latter Sense, It Is Said Of A Defeated Candidate That He "lost His Election".

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Congratulations Is The Civility Of Envy.

Congratulations

Politics: A Strife Of Interests Masquerading As A Contest Of Principles. The Conduct Of Public Affairs For Private Advantage.

Don't Steal; Thou'lt Never Thus Compete Successfully In Business. Cheat.

A Book Which The Mohammedans Foolishly Believe To Have Been Written By Divine Inspiration, But Which Christians Know To Be A Wicked Imposture, Contradictory To The Holy Scriptures.

San Francisco Is The Place Where Most People Were Last Seen

In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

For Every Man There Is Something In The Vocabulary That Would Stick To Him Like A Second Skin. His Enemies Have Only To Find It.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

Harmonists, N. A Sect Of Protestants, Now Extinct, Who Came From Europe In The Beginning Of The Last Century And Were Distinguished For The Bitterness Of Their Internal Controversies And Dissensions.

Extinction, N. The Raw Material Out Of Which Theology Created The Future State.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Lottery: A Tax On People Who Are Bad At Math.

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Least.

Philosophy: A Route Of Many Roads Leading From Nowhere To Nothing.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Liar, N. One Who Tells An Unpleasant Truth.

Primate, N. The Head Of A Church, Especially A State Church Supported By Involuntary Contributions. The Primate Of England Is The Archbishop Of Canterbury, An Amiable Old Gentleman, Who Occupies Lambeth Palace When Living And Westminster Abbey When Dead. He Is Commonly Dead.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Recreation, N. A Particular Kind Of Dejection To Relieve A General Fatigue.

Plunder, V. To Take The Property Of Another Without Observing The Decent And Customary Reticences Of Theft. To Wrest The Wealth Of A From B And Leave C Lamenting A Vanishing Opportunity.

Scrap-book, N. A Book That Is Commonly Edited By A Fool. Many Persons Of Some Small Distinction Compile Scrap-books Containing Whatever They Happen To Read About Themselves Or Employ Others To Collect.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Deinotherium, N. An Extinct Pachyderm That Flourished When The Pterodactyl Was In Fashion. The Latter Was A Native Of Ireland, Its Name Being Pronounced Terry Dactyl Or Peter O'dactyl, As The Man Pronouncing It May Chance To Have Heard It Spoken Or Seen It Printed.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

Future. That Period Of Time In Which Our Affairs Prosper, Our Friends Are True And Our Happiness Is Assured.

All Are Lunatics, But He Who Can Analyze His Delusions Is Called A Philosopher.

Impartial - Unable To Perceive Any Promise Of Personal Advantage From Espousing Either Side Of A Controversy.

Urbanity, N. The Kind Of Civility That Urban Observers Ascribe To Dwellers In All Cities But New York. Its Commonest Expression Is Heard In The Words, "i Beg Your Pardon," And It Is Not Consistent With Disregard Of The Rights Of Others.

Language, N. The Music With Which We Charm The Serpents Guarding Another's Treasure.

A Lottery Is A Tax On Stupidity.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Reporter, N. A Writer Who Guesses His Way To The Truth And Dispels It With A Tempest Of Words.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested. Wherefore The Lexicographer Adviseth A Striving Toward The Straiter [sic] Resemblance Of The Average Man Than He Hath To Himself. Whoso Attaineth Thereto Shall Have Peace, The Prospect Of Death And The Hope Of Hell.

There Would Be Far Fewer Accidents If We Could Only Teach Telephone Poles To Be More Careful.

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

Every Patriot Believes His Country Better Than Any Other Country . . . In Its Active Manifestation-it Is Fond Of Killing-patriotism Would Be Well Enough If It Were Simply Defensive, But It Is Also Aggressive . . . Patriotism Deliberately And With Folly Aforethought Subordinates The Interests Of A Whole To The Interests Of A Part . . . Patriotism Is Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave And Blind As A Stone.

Rhubarb: Essence Of Stomach Ache.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Homo Creator's Testimony To The Sound Construction And Fine Finish Of Deus Creatus. A Popular Form Of Abjection, Having An Element Of Pride.

Rebel, N. A Proponent Of A New Misrule Who Has Failed To Establish It.

Ignoramus, N. A Person Unacquainted With Certain Kinds Of Knowledge Familiar To Yourself, And Having Certain Other Kinds That You Know Nothing About.

Lickspittle, N. A Useful Functionary, Not Infrequently Found Editing A Newspaper . . . The Lickspittle Is Only The Blackmailer Under Another Aspect, Although The Latter Is Frequently Found As An Independent Species.

Price, N. Value, Plus A Reasonable Sum For The Wear And Tear Of Conscience In Demanding It.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

Pantheism, N. The Doctrine That Everything Is God, In Contradistinction To The Doctrine That God Is Everything.

Pun: A Form Of Wit, To Which Wise Men Stoop And Fools Aspire

Marriage, N: The State Or Condition Of A Community Consisting Of A Master, A Mistress, And Two Slaves, Making In All, Two.

Slang Is A Foul Pool At Which Every Dunce Fills His Bucket, And Then Sets Up As A Fountain.

Cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum -- "i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am;" As Close An Approach To Certainty As Any Philosopher Has Yet Made.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

If You Would Be Accounted Great By Your Contemporaries, Be Not Too Much Greater Than They.

Truthful, Adj. Dumb And Illiterate.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Heathen, N. A Benighted Creature Who Has The Folly To Worship Something That He Can See And Feel.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Logic: The Art Of Thinking And Reasoning In Strict Accordance With The Limitations And Incapacities Of The Human Misunderstanding.

Representative, N. In National Politics, A Member Of The Lower House In This World, And Without Discernible Hope Of Promotion In The Next.

War, N. A By-product Of The Arts Of Peace. The Most Menacing Political Condition Is A Period Of International Amity.

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

Democracy Is Four Wolves And A Lamb Voting On What To Have For Lunch.

Democracies Have

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

A Man Is The Sum Of His Ancestors; To Reform Him You Must Begin With A Dead Ape And Work Downward Through A Million Graves.

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Appetite, N. An Instinct Thoughtfully Implanted By Providence As A Solution To The Labor Question.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Admiration, N. Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Rewards And Recognition

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

Monsignor- A High Ecclesiastical Title, Of Which The Founder Of Our Religion Overlooked The Advantages.

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Rack, N. An Argumentative Implement Formerly Much Used In Persuading Devotees Of A False Faith To Embrace The Living Truth. As A Call To The Unconverted The Rack Never Had Any Particular Efficacy, And Is Now Held In Light Popular Esteem.

Infidel, N. In New York, One Who Does Not Believe In The Christian Religion; In Constantinople, One Who Does.

Hog, N. A Bird Remarkable For The Catholicity Of Its Appetite And Serving To Illustrate That Of Ours. Among The Mahometans And Jews, The Hog Is Not In Favor As An Article Of Diet, But Is Respected For The Delicacy And The Melody Of Its Voice. It Is Chiefly As A Songster That The Fowl Is Esteemed; The Cage Of Him In Full Chorus Has Been Known To Draw Tears From Two Persons At Once. The Scientific Name Of This Dicky-bird Is _porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller Did Not Discover The Hog, But It Is Considered His By Right Of Resemblance.

Ostrich, N. A Large Bird To Which (for Its Sins, Doubtless) Nature Has Denied That Hinder Toe . . . . The Absence Of A Good Working Pair Of Wings Is No Defect, For, As Has Been Ingeniously Pointed Out, The Ostrich Does Not Fly.

Abnormal, Adj. Not Conforming To Standard. In Matters Of Thought And Conduct, To Be Independent Is To Be Abnormal, To Be Abnormal Is To Be Detested.

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