Background Image

...

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

-Ambrose Bierce

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred

Ambrose Bierce

...

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity. Its Habit Of Incubating Its Eggs In A Ball Of Ordure May Also Have Commended It To The Favor Of The Priesthood, And May Some Day Assure It An Equal Reverence Among Ourselves. True, The American Beetle Is An Inferior Beetle, But The American Priest Is An Inferior Priest.

Views: 80225

Topic

More From Ambrose Bierce

When God Makes A Beautiful Woman, The Devil Opens A New Register.

Armor, N. The Kind Of Clothing Worn By A Man Whose Tailor Is A Blacksmith.

Monad, N. The Ultimate, Indivisible Unit Of Matter (see Molecule). The Monad Has Body Without Bulk, And Mind Without Manifestation - Containing All The Powers And Possibilities Needful To His Evolution Into A German Philosopher . .

Injustice, N. A Burden Which Of All Those That We Load Upon Others And Carry Ourselves Is Lightest In The Hands And Heaviest Upon The Back.

Admiral. That Part Of A Warship Which Does The Talking While The Figurehead Does The Thinking.

Recollect, V. To Recall With Additions Something Not Previously Known.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

Refusal, N. Denial Of Something Desired; Refusals Are Graded In A Descending Scale Of Finality Thus: The Refusal Absolute, The Refusal Condition, The Refusal Tentative And The Refusal Feminine. The Last Is Called By Some Casuists The Refusal Assentive.

Immoral, Adj. Inexpedient. Whatever In The Long Run And With Regard To The Greater Number Of Instances Men Find To Be Generally Inexpedient Comes To Be Considered Wrong, Wicked, Immoral.

Duel, N. A Formal Ceremony Preliminary To Reconciliation Of Two Enemies. Great Skill Is Necessary To Its Satisfactory Observance; If Awkwardly Performed . . . Deplorable Consequences Sometimes Ensue. A Long Time Ago A Man Lost His Life.

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

Eat, V.i. To Perform Successively (and Successfully) The Functions Of Mastication, Humectation, And Deglutition. 'i Was In The Drawing-room, Enjoying My Dinner,' Said Brillat-savarin, Beginning An Anecdote. 'what!' Interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating Dinner In A Drawing-room?' 'i Must Beg You To Observe, Monsieur,' Explained The Great Gastronome, 'that I Did Not Say I Was Eating My Dinner, But Enjoying It. I Had Dined An Hour Before.'

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Sorcery, N. The Ancient Prototype And Forerunner Of Political Influence. It Was, However, Deemed Less Respectable And Sometimes Was Punished By Torture And Death.

Romance, N. Fiction That Owes No Allegiance To The God Of Things As They Are. In The Novel The Writer's Thought Is Tethered To Probability, But In Romance It Ranges At Will Over The Entire Region Of The Imagination . . .

Kiss, N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss." It Is Supposed To Signify, In A General Way, Some Kind Of Rite Or Ceremony Appertaining To A Good Understanding; But The Manner Of Its Performance Is Unknown To This Lexicographer.

Here's To Woman! Would That We Could Fold Into Her Arms Without Falling Into Her Hands.

Hypocrisy: Prejudice With A Halo.

Rarebit N. A Welsh Rabbit, In The Speech Of The Humorless, Who Point Out That It Is Not A Rabbit. To Whom It May Be Solemnly Explained That The Comestible Known As Toad-in-a-hole Is Really Not A Toad, And That Riz-de-veau à La Financière Is Not The Smile Of A Calf Prepared After The Recipe Of A She Banker.

You Cannot Adopt Politics As A Profession And Remain Honest.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Finance Is The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager

Diplomacy, N.: The Patriotic Art Of Lying For One's Country.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

I Believe We Shall Come To Care About People Less And Less. The More People One Knows The Easier It Becomes To Replace Them. It's One Of The Curses Of London.

Inhumanity, N. One Of The Signal And Characteristic Qualities Of Humanity.

Characteristics

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Duty - That Which Sternly Impels Us In The Direction Of Profit, Along The Line Of Desire.

Quill: An Instrument Of Torture Yielded By A Goose And Commonly Weilded By As Ass.

Portuguese, N.pl. A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal. They Are Mostly Without Feathers And Imperfectly Edible, Even When Stuffed With Garlic.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Spring Beckons! All Things To The Call Respond; The Trees Are Leaving And Cashiers Abscond.

Spooker, N. A Writer Whose Imagination Concerns Itself With Supernatural Phenomena, Especially In The Doings Of Spooks.

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Enthusiasm - A Distemper Of Youth, Curable By Small Doses Of Repentance In Connection With Outward Applications Of Experience.

Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

Crowned With Leaves Of The Laurel. In England The Poet Laureate Is An Officer Of The Sovereign's Court, Acting As Dancing Skeleton At Every Royal Feast And Singing-mute At Every Royal Funeral.

Worms'-meat, N. The Finished Product Of Which We Are The Raw Material. The Contents Of The Taj Mahal, The Tombeau Napoleon And The Granitarium. Worms'-meat Is Usually Outlasted By The Structure That Houses It, But "this Too Must Pass Away." Probably The Silliest Work In Which A Human Being Can Engage Is Construction Of A Tomb For Himself. The Solemn Purpose Cannot Dignify, But Only Accentuates By Contrast The Foreknown Futility.

Ocean: A Body Of Water Occupying About Two-thirds Of A World Made For Man - Who Has No Gills.

Occident: The Part Of The World Lying West (or East) Of The Orient. It Is Largely Inhabited By Christians, A Powerful Subtribe Of The Hypocrites, Whose Principal Industries Are Murder And Cheating, Which They Are Pleased To Call War And Commerce. These, Also, Are The Principal Industries Of The Orient.

K, N. A Consonant; Originally Precisely That Of Our H, But Altered To Its Present Shape To Commemorate The Destruction Of [one Of Two Lofty Columns In] The Great Temple Of Jarute.

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

Homo Creator's Testimony To The Sound Construction And Fine Finish Of Deus Creatus. A Popular Form Of Abjection, Having An Element Of Pride.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Fashion, N. A Despot Whom The Wise Ridicule And Obey.

There Was Never A Genius Who Was Not Thought A Fool Until He Disclosed Himself; Whereas He Is A Fool Then Only.

I Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am.

You Can Effect A Change Of Robbers Every Four Years. Inestimable Privilege - To Pull Off The Glutted Leech And Attach The Lean One! And You Can Not Even Choose Among The Lean Leeches, But Must Accept Those Designated By The Programmers And Showmen Who Have The Reptiles On Tap!

A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.

Phrenology, N. The Science Of Picking The Pocket Through The Scalp. It Consists In Locating And Exploiting The Organ That One Is A Dupe With.

Reading, N. The General Body Of What One Reads. In Our Country It Consists, As A Rule, Of Indiana Novels, Short Stories In "dialect" And Humor In Slang.

Pleonasm, N. An Army Of Words Escorting A Corporal Of Thought.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Kindness N: A Brief Preface To Ten Volumes Of Exaction.

Grave, N. A Place In Which The Dead Are Laid To Await The Coming Of The Medical Student.

Lecturer, N. One With His Hand In Your Pocket, His Tongue In Your Ear And His Faith In Your Patience.

Rope, N. An Obsolescent Appliance For Reminding Assassins That They Too Are Mortal. It Is Put About The Neck And Remains In Place One's Whole Life Long.

Bore, N. A Person Who Talks When You Wish Him To Listen.

Listening To Others

Effective Listening

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

When You Doubt, Abstain.

Presbyterian, N. One Who Holds The Conviction That The Government Authorities Of The Church Should Be Called Presbyters.

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Least.

Wall Street, N. A Symbol For Sin For Every Devil To Rebuke. That Wall Street Is A Den Of Thieves Is A Belief That Serves Every Unsuccessful Thief In Place Of A Hope In Heaven.

Self-esteem, N. An Erroneous Appraisal.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

Men Who Expect Universal Peace Through Invention Of Destructive Weapons Of War Are No Wiser Than One Who, Noting The Improvement Of Agricultural Implements, Should Prophesy An End To The Tilling Of The Soil.

Vituperation, N. Saite, As Understood By Dunces And All Such As Suffer From An Impediment In Their Wit.

Divorce: A Resumption Of Diplomatic Relations And Rectification Of Boundaries.

Diplomatic Relations

Liberty Is One Of The Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Precious Possessions

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

A Popular Author Is One Who Writes What The People Think. Genius Invites Them To Think Something Else.

Applause, N. The Echo Of A Platitude.

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Aphorism, N. Predigested Wisdom.

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

Oblivion, N. Cold Storage For High Hopes. A Place Where Ambitious Authors Meet Their Works Without Pride And Their Betters Without Envy. A Dormitory Without An Alarm Clock.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Organizes.

Legitimate Authority To Be, To Do Or To Have; As The Right To Be A King, The Right To Do One's Neighbor, The Right To Have Measles, And The Like.

Physician, N. One Upon Whom We Set Our Hopes When Ill And Our Dogs When Well.

Prison, N. A Place Of Punishments And Rewards. The Poet Assures Us That - Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make.

While You Have A Future Do Not Live Too Much In Contemplation Of Your Past: Unless You Are Content To Walk Backward The Mirror Is A Poor Guide.

Doubt Is The Father Of Invention.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Insurance - An Ingenious Modern Game Of Chance In Which The Player Is Permitted To Enjoy The Comfortable Conviction That He Is Beating The Man Who Keeps The Table.

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Tariff, N. A Scale Of Taxes On Imports, Designed To Protect The Domestic Producer Against The Greed Of His Consumer.

Palace, N. A Fine And Costly Residence, Particularly That Of A Great Official. The Residence Of A High Dignitary Of The Christian Church Is Called A Palace; That Of The Founder Of His Religion Was Known As A Field, Or Wayside. There Is Progress.

Adore, V.t. To Venerate Expectantly.

Friendship: A Ship Big Enough For Two In Fair Weather, But Only One In Foul.

Convictions Are Variable; To Be Always Consistent Is To Be Sometimes Dishonest.

Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.

Eulogy. Praise Of A Person Who Has Either The Advantages Of Wealth And Power, Or The Consideration To Be Dead.

Habit: A Shackle For The Free.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

A Total Abstainer Is One Who Abstains From Everything But Abstention, And Especially From Inactivity In The Affairs Of Others.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

The Game Of Discontent Has Its Rules, And He Who Disregards Them Cheats. It Is Not Permitted To You To Wish To Add Another's Advantages Or Possessions To Your Own; You Are Permitted Only To Wish To Be Another.

Digestion, N. The Conversion Of Victuals Into Virtues. When The Process Is Imperfect, Vices Are Evolved Instead - A Circumstance From Which That Wicked Writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, Infers That The Ladies Are The Greater Sufferers From Dyspepsia.

Heaven Lies About Us In Our Infancy And The World Begins Lying About Us Pretty Soon Afterward.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

Childhood: The Period Of Human Life Intermediate Between The Idiocy Of Infancy And The Folly Of Youth - Two Removes From The Sin Of Manhood And Three From The Remorse Of Age.

Immoral" Is The Judgment Of The Stalled Ox On The Gamboling Lamb.

If Every Hypocrite In The United States Were To Break His Leg To-day The Country Could Be Successfully Invaded To-morrow By The Warlike Hypocrites Of Canada.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Manicheism, N. The Ancient Persian Doctrine Of An Incessant Warfare Between Good And Evil. When Good Gave Up The Fight The Persians Joined The Victorious Opposition.

Liar: A Lawyer With A Roving Commission.

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

An Appellate Court Which Reverses The Judgment Of A Popular Author's Contemporaries, The Appellant Being His Obscure Competitor.

Certain Old Men Prefer To Rise At Dawn, Taking A Cold Bath And A Long Walk With An Empty Stomach And Otherwise Mortifying The Flesh. They Then Point With Pride To These Practices As The Cause Of Their Sturdy Health And Ripe Years; The Truth Being That They Are Hearty And Old, Not Because Of Their Habits, But In Spite Of Them. The Reason We Find Only Robust Persons Doing This Thing Is That It Has Killed All The Others Who Have Tried It.

Martyr, One Who Moves Along The Line Of Least Reluctance To A Desired Death.

Folly, N. That "gift And Faculty Divine" Whose Creative And Controlling Energy Inspires Man's Mind, Guides His Actions And Adorns His Life.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Flag, N. A Colored Rag Borne Above Troops And Hoisted On Forts And Ships. It Appears To Serve The Same Purpose As Certain Signs That One Sees And Vacant Lots In London

When Prosperous The Fool Trembles For The Evil That Is To Come; In Adversity The Philosopher Smiles For The Good That He Has Had.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Painting, N.: The Art Of Protecting Flat Surfaces From The Weather, And Exposing Them To The Critic.

Fear Has No Brains; It Is An Idiot. The Dismal Witness That It Bears And The Cowardly Counsel That It Whispers Are Unrelated.

Comfort, N. A State Of Mind Produced By Contemplation Of A Neighbor's Uneasiness.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Adolescence: The Stage Between Puberty And Adultery.

Heart, N. Figuratively, This Useful Organ Is Said To Be The Seat Of Emotions And Sentiments . . . . It Is Now Known That Sentiments And Emotions Reside In The Stomach, Being Evolved From Food By Chemical Action Of The Gastric Fluid.

Present, N. That Part Of Eternity Dividing The Domain Of Disappointment From The Realm Of Hope.

Deluge, N. A Notable First Experiment In Baptism Which Washed Away The Sins (and Sinners) Of The World.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

A Miracle Is An Act Or Event Out Of The Order Of Nature And Unaccountable, As Beating A Normal Hand Of Four Kings And An Ace With Four Aces And A King.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

A Large Stone Presented By The Archangel Gabriel To The Patriarch Abraham, And Preserved At Mecca. The Patriarch Had Perhaps Asked The Archangel For Bread.

Scarabaeus, N. The Sacred Beetle Of The Ancient Egyptians, Allied To Our Familiar "tumble-bug." It Was Supposed To Symbolize Immortality, The Fact That God Knew Why Giving It Its Peculiar Sanctity.

Reach, N. The Radius Of Action Of The Human Hand. The Area Within Which It Is Possible (and Customary) To Gratify Directly The Propensity To Provide.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Die: To Stop Sinning Suddenly.

According To The Most Trustworthy Statistics The Number Of Adult Dullards In The United States Is But Little Short Of Thirty Millions, Including The Statisticians.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

Property, N. Any Material Thing, Having No Particular Value, That May Be Held By A Against The Cupidity Of B. Whatever Gratifies The Passion For Possession In One And Disappoints It In All Others. The Object Of Man's Brief Rapacity And Long Indifference.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Fickleness, N. The Iterated Satiety Of An Enterprising Affection.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

The World Has Suffered More From The Ravages Of Ill-advised Marriages Than From Virginity.

In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.

A Certain Nervous Disorder Afflicting The Young And Inexperienced.

Anoint, V.: To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Novel, N. A Short Story Padded.

Picture, N. A Representation In Two Dimensions Of Something Wearisome In Three.

The Sum Of Religion, Says Pythagoras, Is To Be Like Him Thou Worshipest. Had Pythagoras Lived In Our Day He Would Have Seen His Mistake. The Sum Of Modern Religion Is To Make Him Thou Worshipest Like Unto Thyself.

Unitarian, N. One Who Denies The Divinity Of A Trinitarian.

Houseless: Having Paid All Taxes On Household Goods.

To Dogmatism The Spirit Of Inquiry Is The Same As The Spirit Of Evil.

Positivism- A Philosophy That Denies Our Knowledge Of The Real And Affirms Our Ignorance Of The Apparent. Its Longest Exponent Is Comte, Its Broadest Mill And Its Thickest Spencer.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Accomplice, N. One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Fee For Assenting.

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

Mayonnaise: One Of The Sauces Which Serve The French In Place Of A State Religion.

Bacchus, N.: A Convenient Deity Invented By The Ancients As An Excuse For Getting Drunk.

When Among The Graves Of Thy Fellows, Walk With Circumspection; Thine Own Is Open At Thy Feet.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Reconciliation, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities. An Armed Truce For The Purpose Of Digging Up The Dead.

Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.

Plagiarize, V. To Take The Thought Or Style Of Another Writer Whom One Has Never, Never Read.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Exhort, V.t. In Religious Affairs, To Put The Conscience Of Another Upon The Spit And Roast It To A Nut-brown Discomfort.

Land: A Part Of The Earth's Surface, Considered As Property. The Theory That Land Is Property Subject To Private Ownership And Control Is The Foundation Of Modern Society, And Is Eminently Worthy Of The Superstructure.

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

King, N. A Male Person Commonly Known In America As A "crowned Head," Although He Never Wears A Crown And Has Usually No Head To Speak Of.

Queen, N. A Woman By Whom The Realm Is Ruled When There Is A King, And Through Whom It Is Ruled When There Is Not.

Monsieur Franqulin, Inventor Of Electricity. This Illustrious Savant, After Having Made Several Voyages Around The World, Died On The Sandwich Islands And Was Devoured By Savages, Of Whom Not A Single Fragment Was Ever Recovered.

Consolation, N. The Knowledge That A Better Man Is More Unfortunate Than Yourself.

The Quality That Distinguishes Love Without Knowledge.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used In Giving Stability To Light Lovers - Particularly To Those Who Love Not Wisely But Other Men's Wives.

Book - Learning : The Dunce's Derisive Term For All Knowledge That Transcends His Own Impertinent Ignorance.

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.

Liberty: One Of Imagination's Most Precious Possessions.

Peace In International Affairs: A Period Of Cheating Between Periods Of Fighting

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Hope Is An Explorer Who Surveys The Country Ahead. That Is Why We Know So Much About The Hereafter And So Little About The Heretofore.

Laughter, N. An Interior Convulsion, Producing A Distortion Of The Features And Accompanied By Inarticulate Noises. It Is Infectious And, Though Intermittent, Incurable.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Debt, N. An Ingenious Substitute For The Chain And Whip Of The Slavedriver.

Zenith, N. The Point In The Heavens Directly Overhead To A Man Standing Or A Growing Cabbage. A Man In Bed Or A Cabbage In The Pot Is Not Considered As Having A Zenith, Though Horizontalists Hold That The Posture Of The Body Was Immaterial.

Trending Author

Bethenny Frankel

Category