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Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Tenacity, N. A Certain

Ambrose Bierce

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Tenacity, N. A Certain Quality Of The Human Hand In Its Relation To The Coin Of The Realm. It Attains Its Highest Development In The Hand Of Authority And Is Considered A Serviceable Equipment For A Career In Politics.

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Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.

He Laughs Best Who Laughs Least.

Lead, N. A Heavy Blue-gray Metal Much Used ... As A Counterpoise To An Argument Of Such Weight That It Turns The Scale Of Debate The Wrong Way. An Interesting Fact In The Chemistry Of International Controversy Is That At The Point Of Contact Of Two Patriotisms Lead Is Precipitated In Great Quantities.

Alliance - In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands So Deeply Inserted In Each Other's Pockets That They Cannot Separately Plunder A Third.

Universalist, N. One Who Forgoes The Advantage Of A Hell For Persons Of Another Faith.

Nirvana- In The Buddhist Religion, A State Of Pleasurable Annihilation Awarded To The Wise, Particularly To Those Wise Enough To Understand It.

Impenitence, N. A State Of Mind Intermediate In Point Of Time Between Sin And Punishment.

Trust, N. In American Politics, A Large Corporation Composed In Greater Part Of Thrifty Working Men, Widows Of Small Means, Orphans In The Care Of Guardians And The Courts, With Many Similar Malefactors And Public Enemies.

Past, N. That Part Of Eternity With Some Small Fraction Of Which We Have A Slight And Regrettable Acquaintance. A Moving Line Called The Present Parts It From An Imaginary Period Known As The Future. These Two Grand Divisions Of Eternity, Of Which The One Is Continually Effacing The Other, Are Entirely Unlike. The One Is Dark With Sorrow And Disappointment, The Other Bright With Prosperity And Joy.... Yet The Past Is The Future Of Yesterday, The Future Is The Past Of To-morrow. They Are One-the Knowledge And The Dream.

Forma Pauperis. [latin] In The Character Of A Poor Person - A Method By Which A Litigant Without Money For Lawyers Is Considerately Permitted To Lose His Case.

Freebooter, N. A Conqueror In A Small Way Of Business, Whose Annexations Lack Of The Sanctifying Merit Of Magnitude.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortunes To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

The Creator And Arbiter Of Beauty Is The Heart; To The Male Rattlesnake The Female Rattlesnake Is The Loveliest Thing In Nature.

A Violin Is The Revenge Exacted By The Intestines Of A Dead Cat.

Women Of Genius Commonly Have Masculine Faces, Figures And Manners. In Transplanting Brains To An Alien Soil God Leaves A Little Of The Original Earth Clinging To The Roots.

Proboscis, N. The Rudimentary Organ Of An Elephant Which Serves Him In Place Of The Knife-and-fork That Evolution Has As Yet Denied Him. For Purposes Of Humor It Is Popularly Called A Trunk.

Example Is Better Than Following It.

Reveille, N. A Signal To Sleeping Soldiers To Dream Of Battlefields No More, But Get Up And Have Their Blue Noses Counted.

Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

Ovation, N. N Ancient Rome, A Definite, Formal Pageant In Honor Of One Who Had Been Disserviceable To The Enemies Of The Nation. A Lesser "triumph."

A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The "buffone", Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play.

To Apologize Is To Lay The Foundation For A Future Offense.

An Archbishop Is An Ecclesiastical Dignitary One Point Holier Than A Bishop.

Life - A Spiritual Pickle Preserving The Body From Decay.

Finance, N. The Art Or Science Of Managing Revenues And Resources For The Best Advantage Of The Manager. The Pronunciation Of This Word With The I Long And The Accent On The First Syllable Is One Of America's Most Precious Discoveries And Possessions.

Australia, N. A Country Lying In The South Sea, Whose Industrial And Commercial Development Has Been Unspeakably Retarded By An Unfortunate Dispute Among Geographers As To Whether It Is A Continent Or An Island.

Politician, N. An Eel In The Fundamental Mud Upon Which The Superstructure Of Organized Society Is Reared. When He Wriggles, He Mistakes The Agitation Of His Tail For The Trembling Of The Edifice.

Coward: One Who, In A Perilous Emergency, Thinks With His Legs.

Least Said Is Soon Disavowed.

When You Have Made A Catalogue Of Your Friend's Faults It Is Only Fair To Supply Him With A Duplicate, So That He May Know Yours.

A Nutritious Substance Supplied By A Bountiful Providence For The Fattening Of The Poor.

Behavior, N. Conduct, As Determined, Not By Principle, But By Breeding.

Ambition. An Overmastering Desire To Be Vilified By Enemies While Living And Made Ridiculous By Friends When Dead.

Age Is Provident Because The Less Future We Have The More We Fear It.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

Forgetfulness - A Gift Of God Bestowed Upon Debtors In Compensation For Their Destitution Of Conscience.

Ritualism, N. A Dutch Garden Of God Where He May Walk In Rectilinear Freedom, Keeping Off The Grass.

Incompatibility, N. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination. Incompatibility May, However, Consist Of A Meek-eyed Matron Living Just Around The Corner. It Has Even Been Known To Wear A Moustache.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Piracy, N. Commerce Without Its Folly-swaddles, Just As God Made It.

Geographer, N. A Chap Who Can Tell You Offhand The Difference Between The Outside Of The World And The Inside.

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Monarch, N. A Person Engaged In Reigning. Formerly The Monarch Ruled, As The Derivation Of The Word Attests, And As Many Subjects Have Had Occasion To Learn.

Bath, N. A Kind Of Mystic Ceremony Substituted For Religious Worship, With What Spiritual Efficacy Has Not Been Determined.

To Be Positive Is To Be Mistaken At The Top Of One's Voice.

Minister, N. An Agent Of A Higher Power With A Lower Responsibility. In Diplomacy, An Officer Sent Into A Foreign Country As The Visible Embodiment Of His Sovereign's Hostility.

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Guillotine, N. A Machine Which Makes A Frenchman Shrug His Shoulders With Good Reason.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

A Leech Who, Having Penetrated The Shell Of A Turtle Only To Find That The Creature Has Long Been Dead, Deems It Expedient To Form A New Attachment To A Fresh Turtle.

Take, V.t. To Acquire, Frequently By Force But Preferably By Stealth.

Serial, N. A Literary Work, Usually A Story That Is Not True, Creeping Through Several Issues Of A Newspaper Or Magazine.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Laziness. Unwarranted Repose Of Manner In A Person Of Low Degree.

Fiddle, N. An Instrument To Tickle Human Ears By Friction Of A Horse's Tail On The Entrails Of A Cat.

Impiety. Your Irreverence Toward My Deity.

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Hash: There Is No Definition For This Word - Nobody Knows What Hash Is.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

In Forgiving An Injury Be Somewhat Ceremonious, Lest Your Magnanimity Be Construed As Indifference.

Hyena, N. A Beast Held In Reverence By Some Oriental Nations From Its Habit Of Frequenting At Night The Burial-places Of The Dead. But The Medical Student Does That

Pre-existence, N. An Unnoted Factor In Creation.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Pardon, V. To Remit A Penalty And Restore To The Life Of Crime. To Add To The Lure Of Crime The Temptation Of Ingratitude.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

Patriotism: The First Resort Of A Scoundrel.

Zany, N. A Popular Character In Old Italian Plays, Who Imitated With Ludicrous Incompetence The _buffone_, Or Clown, And Was Therefore The Ape Of An Ape; For The Clown Himself Imitated The Serious Characters Of The Play. The Zany Was Progenitor To The Specialist In Humor, As We To-day Have The Unhappiness To Know Him. In The Zany We See An Example Of Creation; In The Humorist, Of Transmission. Another Excellent Specimen Of The Modern Zany Is The Curate, Who Apes The Rector, Who Apes The Bishop, Who Apes The Archbishop, Who Apes The Devil.

As A Means Of Dispensing Formulated Ignorance Our Boasted Public School System Is Not Without Merit; It Spreads Out Education Sufficiently Thin To Give Everyone Enough To Make Him A More Competent Fool Than He Would Have Been Without It.

Erudition - Dust Shaken Out Of A Book Into An Empty Skull.

Calumnus, N. A Graduate Of The School For Scandal.

Hydra, N. A Kind Of Animal That The Ancients Catalogued Under Many Heads.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Philistine, N. One Whose Mind Is The Creature Of Its Environment, Following The Fashion In Thought, Feeling And Sentiment. He Is Sometimes Learned, Frequently Prosperous, Commonly Clean And Always Solemn.

Legitimate Authority To Be, To Do Or To Have; As The Right To Be A King, The Right To Do One's Neighbor, The Right To Have Measles, And The Like.

Age, With His Eyes In The Back Of His Head, Thinks It Wisdom To See The Bogs Through Which He Has Floundered.

Frying-pan, N. One Part Of The Penal Apparatus Employed In That Punitive Institution, A Woman's Kitchen. The Frying-pan Was Invented By Calvin, And By Him Used In Cooking Span-long Infants That Had Died Without Baptism; And Observing One Day The Horrible Torment Of A Tramp Who Had Incautiously Pulled A Fried Babe From The Waste-dump And Devoured It, It Occurred To The Great Divine To Rob Death Of Its Terrors By Introducing The Frying-pan Into Every Household In Geneva. Thence It Spread To All Corners Of The World, And Has Been Of Invaluable Assistance In The Propagation Of His Sombre Faith.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be.

Rite, N. A Religious Or Semi-religious Ceremony Fixed By Law, Precept Or Custom, With The Essential Oil Of Sincerity Carefully Squeezed Out Of It.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Present, N. That Part Of Eternity Dividing The Domain Of Disappointment From The Realm Of Hope.

The Gambling Known As Business Looks With Austere Disfavor Upon The Business Known As Gambling.

Noumenon, N. That Which Exists, As Distinguished From That Which Merely Seems To Exist, The Latter Being A Phenomenon. The Noumenon Is A Bit Difficult To Locate; It Can Be Apprehended Only By A Process Of Reasoning - Which Is A Phenomenon.

A Single Swallow, It Is Said, Devours Ten Millions Of Insects Every Year. The Supplying Of These Insects I Take To Be A Signal Instance Of The Creator's Bounty In Providing For The Lives Of His Creatures.

Pitiful, Adj. The State Of An Enemy Or Opponent After An Imaginary Encounter With Oneself.

Platonic, Adj. Pertaining To The Philosophy Of Socrates. Platonic Love Is A Fool's Name For The Affection Between A Disability And A Frost.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Ridicule, N. Words Designed To Show That The Person Of Whom They Are Uttered Is Devoid Of The Dignity Of Character Distinguishing Him Who Utters Them.

Accountability, N. The Mother Of Caution.

Electricity Is The Power That Causes All Natural Phenomena Not Known To Be Caused By Something Else

Magic: (n) The Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin.

Twice – Once Too Often.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Prophecy, N. The Art And Practice Of Selling One's Credibility For Future Delivery.

Happiness Has Not To All The Same Name: To Youth She Is Known As The Future; Age Knows Her As The Dream.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Mind, N. A Mysterious Form Of Matter Secreted By The Brain. Its Chief Activity Consists In The Endeavour To Ascertain Its Own Nature, The Futility Of The Attempt Being Due To The Fact That It Has Nothing But Itself To Know Itself With.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Dawn: When Men Of Reason Go To Bed.

Poetry, N. A Form Of Expression Peculiar To The Land Beyond The Magazines.

Noise, N. A Stench In The Ear. Undomesticated Music. The Chief Product And Authenticating Sign Of Civilization.

Conservative, N: A Statesman Who Is Enamored Of Existing Evils, As Distinguished From The Liberal Who Wishes To Replace Them With Others.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Realism, N. The Art Of Depicting Nature As It Is Seem By Toads. The Charm Suffusing A Landscape Painted By A Mole, Or A Story Written By A Measuring-worm.

Widow, N. A Pathetic Figure That The Christian World Has Agreed To Take Humorously, Although Christ's Tenderness Towards Widows Was One Of The Most Marked Features Of His Character.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Presentable, Adj. Hideously Appareled After The Manner Of The Time And Place.

Optimism, N. The Doctrine, Or Belief, That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly, Everything Good, Especially The Bad, And Everything Right That Is Wrong. It Is Held With Greatest Tenacity By Those Most Accustomed To The Mischance Of Falling Into Adversity, And Is Most Acceptably Expounded With Disproof - An Intellectual Disorder, Yielding To No Treatment But Death. It Is Hereditary, But Fortunately Not Contagious.

Washingtonian, N. A Potomac Tribesman Who Exchanged The Privilege Of Governing Himself For The Advantage Of Good Government. In Justice To Him It Should Be Said That He Did Not Want To.

Loquacity, N. A Disorder Which Renders The Sufferer Unable To Curb His Tongue When You Wish To Talk.

Man, N. An Animal So Lost In Rapturous Contemplation Of What He Thinks He Is As To Overlook What He Indubitably Ought To Be. His Chief Occupation Is Extermination Of Other Animals And His Own Species, Which, However, Multiplies With Such Insistent Rapidity As To Infest The Whole Habitable Earth And Canada.

Knowledge Is The Small Part Of Ignorance That We Arrange And Classify.

Impostor N. A Rival Aspirant To Public Honors.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue. The Truth Of The Stories Here Following Has, However, Not Been Successfully Impeached.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Gnu, N. An Animal Of South Africa, Which In Its Domesticated State Resembles A Horse, A Buffalo And A Stag. In Its Wild Condition It Is Something Like A Thunderbolt, An Earthquake And A Cyclone.

Youth Is Gilead, In Which Is Balm For Every Wound.

Magic, N. An Art Of Converting Superstition Into Coin. There Are Other Arts Serving The Same High Purpose, But The Discreet Lexicographer Does Not Name Them.

Democracy Is Defended In 3 Stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

Injustice, N. A Burden Which Of All Those That We Load Upon Others And Carry Ourselves Is Lightest In The Hands And Heaviest Upon The Back.

Misdemeanor, N. An Infraction Of The Law Having Less Dignity Than A Felony And Constituting No Claim To Admittance Into The Best Criminal Society.

No Country Is So Wild And Difficult But Men Will Make It A Theater Of War.

Rice-water, N. A Mystic Beverage Secretly Used By Our Most Popular Novelists And Poets To Regulate The Imagination And Narcotize The Conscience.

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Pray: To Ask The Laws Of The Universe To Be Annulled On Behalf Of A Single Petitioner Confessedly Unworthy.

Abscond - To Move In A Mysterious Way, Commonly With The Property Of Another.

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Pyrrhonism- An Ancient Philosophy, Named For Its Inventor. It Consisted Of An Absolute Disbelief In Everything But Pyrrhonism. Its Modern Professors Have Added That.

Nectar, N. A Drink Served At Banquets Of The Olympian Deities. The Secret Of Its Preparation Is Lost, But The Modern Kentuckians Believe That They Come Pretty Near To A Knowledge Of Its Chief Ingredient.

Consult: To Seek Approval For A Course Of Action Already Decided Upon.

Misericorde, N. A Dagger Which In Mediaeval Warfare Was Used By The Foot Soldier To Remind An Unhorsed Knight That He Was Mortal.

Liver, N. A Large Red Organ Thoughtfully Provided By Nature To Be Bilious With. The Sentiments And Emotions Which Every Literary Anatomist Now Knows To Haunt The Heart Were Anciently Believed To Infest The Liver; And Even Gascoygne, Speaking Of The Emotional Side Of Human Nature, Calls It "our Hepaticall Parte." It Was At One Time Considered The Seat Of Life; Hence Its Name- Liver, The Thing We Live With.

Portuguese, N.pl. A Species Of Geese Indigenous To Portugal. They Are Mostly Without Feathers And Imperfectly Edible, Even When Stuffed With Garlic.

Cartesian, Adj. Relating To Descartes, Author Of 'cogito Ergo Sum' To Demonstrate The Reality Of Human Existence. The Dictum Might Be Improved 'cogito Cogito Ergo Cogito Sum' 'i Think That I Think, Therefore I Think That I Am' As Close An Approach.

Christian - One Who Follows The Teachings Of Christ Insofar As They Are Not Inconsistent With A Life Of Sin.

Incompatibility. In Matrimony A Similarity Of Tastes, Particularly The Taste For Domination.

Incompatibility

Kiss. N. A Word Invented By The Poets As A Rhyme For "bliss".

Pigmy, N. One Of A Tribe Of Very Small Men Found By Ancient Travelers In Many Parts Of The World, But By Modern In Central Africa Only. The Pigmies Are So Called To Distinguish Them From The Bulkier Caucasians - Who Are Hogmies.

A Subsidiary Deity Designed To Catch The Overflow And Surplus Of The World's Worship . . . . [h]is Master Works For The Means Wherewith To Purchase The Idle Wag Of The Solomonic Tail, Seasoned With A Look Of Tolerant Recognition.

Harmonists, N. A Sect Of Protestants, Now Extinct, Who Came From Europe In The Beginning Of The Last Century And Were Distinguished For The Bitterness Of Their Internal Controversies And Dissensions.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

The Slightest Acquaintance With History Shows That Powerful Republics Are The Most Warlike And Unscrupulous Of Nations.

Alligator: The Crocodile Of America, Superior In Every Detail To The Crocodile Of The Effete Monarchies Of The Old World.

Compulsion, N. The Eloquence Of Power.

Patience, N. A Minor Form Of Dispair, Disguised As A Virtue.

Land: A Part Of The Earth's Surface, Considered As Property. The Theory That Land Is Property Subject To Private Ownership And Control Is The Foundation Of Modern Society, And Is Eminently Worthy Of The Superstructure.

The Wife, Or Bitter Half.

Dance, V.i. To Leap About To The Sound Of Tittering Music, Preferably With Arms About Your Neighbor's Wife Or Daughter. There Are Many Kinds Of Dances, But All Those Requiring The Participation Of The Two Sexes Have Two Characteristics In Common: They Are Conspicuously Innocent, And Warmly Loved By The Vicious.

Push, N. One Of The Two Things Mainly Conducive To Success, Especially In Politics. The Other Is Pull.

Congratulations

Elector, N. One Who Enjoys The Sacred Privilege Of Voting For The Man Of Another Man's Choice.

In The Algebra Of Psychology, X Stands For A Woman's Heart.

Funny Relationship

Riven And Torn With Cannon-shot, The Trunks Of The Trees Protruded Bunches Of Splinters Like Hands, The Fingers Above The Wound Interlacing With Those Below.

Historian - A Broad-gauge Gossip.

Sweater, N.: Garment Worn By Child When Its Mother Is Feeling Chilly.

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

Clergyman, N. A Man Who Undertakes The Management Of Our Spiritual Affairs As A Method Of Better His Temporal Ones.

The Partisan Strife In Which The People Of The Country Are Permitted To Periodically Engage Does Not Tend To The Development Of Ugly Traits Of Character, But Merely Discloses Those That Preexist.

Irreligion - The Principal One Of The Great Faiths Of The World.

Hippogriff, N. An Animal (now Extinct) Which Was Half Horse And Half Griffin. The Griffin Was Itself A Compound Creature, Half Lion And Half Eagle. The Hippogriff Was Actually, Therefore, Only One-quarter Eagle, Which Is Two Dollars And Fifty Cents In Gold. The Study Of Zoology Is Full Of Surprises.

Income Is The Natural And Rational Gauge And Measure Of Respectability.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Clairvoyant, N.: A Person, Commonly A Woman, Who Has The Power Of Seeing That Which Is Invisible To Her Patron - Namely, That He Is A Blockhead.

The Poor Man's Price Of Admittance To The Favor Of The Rich Is His Self-respect.

Revelation: A Famous Book In Which St. John The Divine Concealed All That He Knew. The Revealing Is Done By The Commentators, Who Know Nothing.

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder.

Temporary Insanity

Art, N. This Word Has No Definition.

Recount, N. In American Politics, Another Throw Of The Dice, Accorded To The Player Against Whom They Are Loaded.

Truce, N. Friendship.

A System Of Pitfalls Thoughtfully Prepared For The Feet For The Self-made Man, Along The Path By Which He Advances To Distinction.

Improvidence, N. Provision For The Needs Of To-day From The Revenues Of To-morrow.

Phoenix, N. The Classical Prototype Of The Modern 'small Hot Bird.'

The Hardest Tumble A Man Can Make Is To Fall Over His Own Bluff.

Accuse, V.t. To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of Ourselves For Having Wronged Him.

A Cheap And Easy Cynicism Rails At Everything. The Master Of The Art Accomplishes The Formidable Task Of Discrimination.

Repose, V.i. To Cease From Troubling.

Mythology, N. The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Prejudice - A Vagrant Opinion Without Visible Means Of Support.

Day, N. A Period Of Twenty-four Hours, Mostly Misspent.

Majesty, N. The State And Title Of A King. Regarded With A Just Contempt By The Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees And Imperial Potentates Of The Ancient And Honorable Orders Of Republican America.

Mouse, N. An Animal Which Strews Its Path With Fainting Women.

Dejeuner, N. The Breakfast Of An American Who Has Been In Paris. Variously Pronounced.

Be As Decent As You Can. Don't Believe Without Evidence. Treat Things Divine With Marked Respect — Don't Have Anything To Do With Them. Do Not Trust Humanity Without Collateral Security; It Will Play You Some Scurvy Trick. Remember That It Hurts No One To Be Treated As An Enemy Entitled To Respect Until He Shall Prove Himself A Friend Worthy Of Affection. Cultivate A Taste For Distasteful Truths. And, Finally, Most Important Of All, Endeavor To See Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Truth - An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Centaur, N. One Of A Race Of Persons Who Lived Before The Division Of Labor Had Been Carried To Such A Pitch Of Differentiation, And Who Followed The Primitive Economic Maxim, "every Man His Own Horse."

Review, V.t. To Set Your Wisdom (holding Not A Doubt Of It./ Although In Truth There's Neither Bone Nor Skin To It)/ At Work Upon A Book, And So Read Out Of It/ The Qualities That You Have First Read Into It.

Illustrious, Adj. Suitably Placed For The Shafts Of Malice, Envy And Detraction.

A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

What Is Worth Doing Is Worth The Trouble Of Asking Somebody To Do It.

Bigot: One Who Is Obstinately And Zealously Attached To An Opinion That You Do Not Entertain.

We Must Stop Chasing Dollars, Stop Lying, Stop Cheating, Stop Ignoring Art, Literature, And All The Refining Agencies And Instrumentalities Of Civilization.

Poverty, N. A File Provided For The Teeth Of The Rats Of Reform. Its Victims Are Distinguished By Possession Of All The Virtues And By Their Faith In Leaders Seeking To Conduct Them Into A Prosperity Where They Believe These To Be Unknown.

Distance, N. The Only Thing That The Rich Are Willing For The Poor To Call Theirs And Keep.

Gunpowder, N. An Agency Employed By Civilized Nations For The Settlement Of Disputes Which Might Become Troublesome If Left Unadjusted.

Civilized Nations

Good, Adj. Sensible, Madam, To The Worth Of This Present Writer. Alive, Sir, To The Advantages Of Letting Him Alone.

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