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Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

-Ambrose Bierce

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Funeral: A Pageant Whereby

Ambrose Bierce

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Funeral: A Pageant Whereby We Attest Our Respect For The Dead By Enriching The Undertaker, And Strengthen Our Grief By An Expenditure That Deepens Our Groans And Doubles Our Tears.

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Faith: Belief Without Evidence In What Is Told By One Who Speaks Without Knowledge, Of Things Without Parallel.

When In Rome, Do As Rome Does.

A Popular Writer Writes About What People Think. A Wise Writer Offers Them Something To Think About.

Nepotism, N. Appointing Your Grandmother To Office For The Good Of The Party.

If You Want To Read A Perfect Book There Is Only One Way: Write It.

As Records Of Courts And Justice Are Admissible, It Can Easily Be Proved That Powerful And Malevolent Magicians Once Existed And Were A Scourge To Mankind. The Evidence (including Confession) Upon Which Certain Women Were Convicted Of Witchcraft And Executed Was Without A Flaw; It Is Still Unimpeachable. The Judges' Decisions Based On It Were Sound In Logic And In Law. Nothing In Any Existing Court Was Ever More Thoroughly Proved Than The Charges Of Witchcraft And Sorcery For Which So Many Suffered Death. If There Were No Witches, Human Testimony And Human Reason Are Alike Destitute Of Value.

Understanding, N. A Cerebral Secretion That Enables One Having It To Know A House From A Horse By The Roof On The House. Its Nature And Laws Have Been Exhaustively Expounded By Locke, Who Rode A House, And Kant, Who Lived In A Horse.

Learning -the Kind Of Ignorance Affected By (and Affecting) Civilized Races, As Distinguished From Ignorance, The Sort Of Learning Incurred By Savages. See Nonsense.

To Those Who View The Voyage Of Life From The Port Of Departure The Bark That Has Accomplished Any Considerable Distance Appears Already In Close Approach To The Farther Shore.

When You Are Ill Make Haste To Forgive Your Enemies, For You May Recover.

Multitude, N. A Crowd; The Source Of Political Wisdom And Virtue. In A Republic, The Object Of The Statesman's Adoration.

Imbecility, N. A Kind Of Divine Inspiration, Or Sacred Fire Affecting Censorious Critics Of This Dictionary.

Wisdom Is Known Only By Contrasting It With Folly; By Shadow Only We Perceive That All Visible Objects Are Not Flat. Yet Philanthropos Would Abolish Evil!

Economy, N. Purchasing The Barrel Of Whiskey That You Do Not Need For The Price Of The Cow That You Cannot Afford.

Money. A Blessing That Is Of No Advantage To Us Excepting When We Part With It.

A Revolution Is A Violent Change Of Mismanagement.

Suffrage, Noun. Expression Of Opinion By Means Of A Ballot. The Right Of Suffrage (which Is Held To Be Both A Privilege And A Duty) Means, As Commonly Interpreted, The Right To Vote For The Man Of Another Man's Choice, And Is Highly Prized.

Body-snatcher, N. A Robber Of Grave-worms. One Who Supplies The Young Physicians With That With Which The Old Physicians Have Supplied The Undertaker.

Respectability, N. The Offspring Of A Liaison Between A Bald Head And A Bank Account.

Brain, N. An Apparatus With Which We Think That We Think. That Which Distinguishes The Man Who Is Content To Be Something From The Man Who Wishes To Do Something. A Man Of Great Wealth, Or One Who Has Been Pitchforked Into High Station, Has Commonly Such A Headful Of Brain That His Neighbors Cannot Keep Their Hats On. In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Brain Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Newtonian, Pertaining To A Philosophy Of The Universe Invented By Newton, Who Discovered That An Apple Will Fall To The Ground, But Was Unable To Say Why. His Successors And Disciples Have Advanced So Far As To Be Able To Say When.

Strive Not For Singularity In Dress; Fools Have The More And Men Of Sense The Less. To Look Original Is Not Worth While, But Be In Mind A Little Out Of Style.

Religion. A Daughter Of Hope And Fear, Explaining To Ignorance The Nature Of The Unknowable.

There Are Four Kinds Of Homicide: Felonious, Excusable, Justifiable, And Praiseworthy.

Miscreant, N. A Person Of The Highest Degree Of Unworth. Etymologically, The Word Means Unbeliever, And Its Present Signification May Be Regarded As Theology's Noblest Contribution To The Development Of Our Language.

Curiosity, N. An Objectionable Quality Of The Female Mind. The Desire To Know Whether Or Not A Woman Is Cursed With Curiosity Is One Of The Most Active And Insatiable Passions Of The Masculine Soul.

While Your Friend Holds You Affectionately By Both Your Hands, You Are Safe, For You Can Watch Both His.

Peroration, N. The Explosion Of An Oratorical Rocket. It Dazzles, But To An Observer Having The Wrong Kind Of Nose Its Most Conspicuous Peculiarity Is The Smell Of The Several Kinds Of Powder Used In Preparing It.

Decalogue, N. A Series Of Commandments, Ten In Number - Just Enough To Permit An Intelligent Selection For Observance, But Not Enough To Embarrass The Choice.

Diary, N. A Daily Record Of That Part Of One's Life, Which He Can Relate To Himself Without Blushing.

The Natural Equipment To Accomplish Some Small Part Of The Meaner Ambitions Distinguishing Able Men From Dead Ones. In The Last Analysis Ability Is Commonly Found To Consist Mainly In A High Degree Of Solemnity.

Referendum, N. A Law For Submission Of Proposed Legislation To A Popular Vote To Learn The Nonsensus Of Public Opinion.

Projectile, N. The Final Arbiter In International Disputes. With The Growth Of Prudence In Military Affairs The Projectile Came More And More Into Favor, And Is Now Held In High Esteem By The Most Courageous.

Mausoleum, N: The Final And Funniest Folly Of The Rich.

Meekness: Uncommon Patience In Planning A Revenge That Is Worth While.

Redress, N. Reparation Without Satisfaction.

Ubiquity, N. The Gift Or Power Of Being In All Places At One Time, But Not In All Places At All Times, Which Is Omnipresence, An Attribute Of God And The Luminiferous Ether Only.

You Cannot Adopt Politics As A Profession And Remain Honest.

Pity, N. A Failing Sense Of Exemption, Inspired By Contrast.

Immortality: A Toy Which People Cry For, And On Their Knees Apply For, Dispute, Contend And Lie For, And If Allowed Would Be Right Proud Eternally To Die For.

Genealogy, N. An Account Of One's Descent From A Man Who Did Not Particularly Care To Trace His Own.

Fidelity - A Virtue Peculiar To Those Who Are About To Be Betrayed.

Joss-sticks- Small Sticks Burned By The Chinese In Their Pagan Tomfoolery, In Imitation Of Certain Sacred Rites Of Our Holy Religion.

Perseverance - A Lowly Virtue Whereby Mediocrity Achieves An Inglorious Success.

Congratulations

Distress: A Disease Incurred By Exposure To The Prosperity Of A Friend.

To Seek A Justification For A Decision Already Made.

Custard: A Detestable Substance Produced By A Malevolent Conspiracy Of The Hen, The Cow, And The Cook.

Emotion, N. A Prostrating Disease Caused By A Determination Of The Heart To The Head. It Is Sometimes Accompanied By A Copious Discharge Of Hydrated Chloride Of Sodium From The Eyes.

A Nation That Will Not Enforce Its Laws Has No Claim To The Respect And Allegiance Of Its People.

Radicalism, N. The Conservatism Of To-morrow Injected Into The Affairs Of To-day.

Cabbage: A Familiar Kitchen-garden Vegetable About As Large And Wise As A Man's Head.

What Is A Democrat? One Who Believes That The Republicans Have Ruined The Country. What Is A Republican? One Who Believes That The Democrats Would Ruin The Country.

Interpreter, N. One Who Enables Two Persons Of Different Languages To Understand Each Other By Repeating To Each What It Would Have Been To The Interpreter's Advantage For The Other To Have Said.

A Wedding Is A Ceremony At Which Two Persons Undertake To Become One, One Undertakes To Become Nothing, And Nothing Undertakes To Become Supportable.

A Bird In The Hand Is Worth What It Will Bring.

Religions Are Conclusions For Which The Facts Of Nature Supply No Major Premises.

In This World One Must Have A Name; It Prevents Confusion, Even When It Does Not Establish Identity. Some, Though, Are Known By Numbers, Which Also Seem Inadequate Distinctions.

Mythology, N. The Body Of A Primitive People's Beliefs Concerning Its Origin, Early History, Heroes, Deities And So Forth, As Distinguished From The True Accounts Which It Invents Later.

Condole - To Show That Bereavement Is A Smaller Evil Than Sympathy.

Notoriety, N. The Fame Of One's Competitor For Public Honors. The Kind Of Renown Most Accessible And Acceptable To Mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder Leading To The Vaudeville Stage, With Angels Ascending And Descending.

Abstainer: A Weak Person Who Yields To The Temptation Of Denying Himself A Pleasure.

Idiot - A Member Of A Large And Powerful Tribe Whose Influence In Human Affairs Has Always Been Dominant And Controlling. The Idiot's Activity Is Not Confined To Any Special Field Of Thought Or Action, But "pervades And Regulates The Whole." He Has The Last Word In Everything; His Decision Is Unappealable. He Sets The Fashions And Opinion Of Taste, Dictates The Limitations Of Speech And Circumscribes Conduct With A Dead-line.

Quixotic, Adj. Absurdly Chivalric, Like Don Quixote. An Insight Into The Beauty And Excellence Of This Incomparable Adjective Is Unhappily Denied To Him Who Has The Misfortune To Know That The Gentleman's Name Is Pronounced Ke-ho-tay.

The Fact That Boys Are Allowed To Exist At All Is Evidence Of Remarkable Christian Forbearance Among Men - Were It Not For A Mawkish Humanitarianism, Coupled With Imperfect Digestive Powers, We Should Devour Our Young, As Nature Intended.

Pickaninny, N. The Young Of The "procyanthropos", Or "americanus Dominans". It Is Small, Black And Charged With Political Fatalities.

Malthusian, Adj. Pertaining To Malthus And His Doctrines, Who Believed In Artificially Limiting Population, But Found That It Could Not Be Done By Talking. Herod Of Judea, All The Famous Soldiers Have Been Practical Exponents Of The Malthusian Idea.

General," Said The Commander Of The Delinquent Brigade, "i Am Persuaded That Any Further Display Of Valor By My Troops Will Bring Them Into Collision With The Enemy.

Gnostics, N. A Sect Of Philosophers Who Tried To Engineer A Fusion Between The Early Christians And The Platonists. The Former Would Not Go Into The Caucus And The Combination Failed, Greatly To The Chagrin Of The Fusion Managers.

When Publicly Censured Our First Instinct Is To Make Everybody A Codefendant.

Think Twice Before You Speak To A Friend In Need

Babe Or Baby, N. A Misshapen Creature Of No Particular Age, Sex, Or Condition, Chiefly Remarkable For The Violence Of The Sympathies And Antipathies It Excites In Others, Itself Without Sentiment Or Emotion.

Antipathy, N. The Sentiment Inspired By One's Friend's Friend.

Callous, Adj. Gifted With Great Fortitude To Bear The Evils Afflicting Another. When Zeno Was Told That One Of His Enemies Was No More He Was Observed To Be Deeply Moved. "what!" Said One Of His Disciples, "you Weep At The Death Of An Enemy?" "ah, 'tis True," Replied The Great Stoic; "but You Should See Me Smile At The Death Of A Friend.".

Death Of A Friend

Gnu, N. An Animal Of South Africa, Which In Its Domesticated State Resembles A Horse, A Buffalo And A Stag. In Its Wild Condition It Is Something Like A Thunderbolt, An Earthquake And A Cyclone.

Opposition, N. In Politics The Party That Prevents The Government From Running Amuck By Hamstringing It.

Homiletics, N. The Science Of Adapting Sermons To The Spiritual Needs, Capacities And Conditions Of The Congregation.

The World Has Suffered More From The Ravages Of Ill-advised Marriages Than From Virginity.

Road, N. A Strip Of Land Along Which One May Pass From Where It Is Too Tiresome To Be To Where It Is Futile To Go.

Pantomime, N. A Play In Which The Story Is Told Without Violence To The Language. The Least Disagreeable Form Of Dramatic Action.

Alien - An American Sovereign In His Probationary State.

Linen, N. "a Kind Of Cloth The Making Of Which, When Made Of Hemp, Entails A Great Waste Of Hemp."

Virtues, N.pl. Certain Abstentions.

Jealous, Adj. Unduly Concerned About The Preservation Of That Which Can Be Lost Only If Not Worth Keeping.

Manna, N. A Food Miraculously Given To The Israelites In The Wilderness. When It Was No Longer Supplied To Them They Settled Down And Tilled The Soil, Fertilizing It, As A Rule, With The Bodies Of The Original Occupants.

Mammon, N. The God Of The World's Leading Religion. The Chief Temple Is In The Holy City Of New York.

Presidency, N. The Greased Pig In The Field Game Of American Politics.

Story, N. A Narrative, Commonly Untrue.

Actually, Adv. Perhaps; Possibly.

Bigamy, N. A Mistake In Taste For Which The Wisdom Of The Future Will Adjudge A Punishment Called Trigamy.

A King's Staff Of Office, The Sign And Symbol Of His Authority. It Was Originally A Mace With Which The Sovereign Admonished His Jester And Vetoed Ministerial Measures By Breaking The Bones Of Their Proponents.

Human Nature Is Pretty Well Balanced; For Every Lacking Virtue There Is A Rough Substitute That Will Serve At A Pinch--as Cunning Is The Wisdom Of The Unwise, And Ferocity The Courage Of The Coward.

Predestination, N. The Doctrine That All Things Occur According To Programme. . . . Not Be Confused With That Of Foreordination. The Difference Is Great Enough To Have Deluged Christendom With Ink, To Say Nothing Of The Gore.

True, Man Does Not Know Woman. But Neither Does Woman.

Teetotaler, N. One Who Abstains From Strong Drink, Sometimes Totally, Sometimes Tolerably Totally.

That Part Of Your Friend Which It Is Your Privilege To Contemplate In Your Adversity

Love, N. A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage Or By Removal Of The Patient From The Influences Under Which He Incurred The Disorder. This Disease, Like Caries And Many Other Ailments, Is Prevalent Only Among Civilized Races Living Under Artificial Conditions; Barbarous Nations Breathing Pure Air And Eating Simple Food Enjoy Immunity From Its Ravages. It Is Sometimes Fatal, But More Frequently To The Physician Than To The Patient.

Temporary Insanity

Russian, N. A Person With A Caucasian Body And A Mongolian Soul. A Tartar Emetic.

Oratory, N. A Conspiracy Between Speech And Action To Cheat The Understanding. A Tyranny Tempered By Stenography.

The Liberality Of One Who Has Much, In Permitting One Who Has Nothing To Get All That He Can.

Boundary, N. In Political Geography, An Imaginary Line Between Two Nations, Separating The Imaginary Rights Of One From The Imaginary Rights Of Another.

The Most Offensive Egotist Is He That Fears To Say "i" And "me." "it Will Probably Rain" - That Is Dogmatic. "i Think It Will Rain" - That Is Natural And Modest. Montaigne Is The Most Delightful Of Essayists Because So Great Is His Humility That He Does Not Think It Important That We See Not Montaigne. He So Forgets Himself That He Employs No Artifice To Make Us Forget Him.

An Aged Burgundy Runs With A Beardless Port. I Cherish The Fancy That Port Speaks Sentences Of Wisdom, Burgundy Sings The Inspired Ode.

Carnivorous, Adj. Addicted To The Cruelty Of Devouring The Timorous Vegetarian, His Heirs And Assigns.

A Hollow Edifice Erected For The Habitation Of Man, Rat, Mouse, Beetle, Cockroach, Fly, Mosquito, Flea, Bacillus, And Microbe.

Experience Is A Revelation In The Light Of Which We Renounce Our Errors Of Youth For Those Of Age.

A Person Of Greater Enterprise Than Discretion, Who In Embracing An Opportunity Has Formed An Unfortunate Attachment.

Existence, N. A Transient, Horrible, Fantastic Dream,/ Wherein Is Nothing Yet All Things Do Seem:/ From Which We're Wakened By A Friendly Nudge/ Of Our Bedfellow Death, And Cry: "o Fudge!"

Righteousness, N. A Sturdy Virtue That Was Once Found Among The Pantidoodles Inhabiting The Lower Part Of The Peninsula Of Oque. Some Feeble Attempts Were Made By Returned Missionaries To Introduce It Into Several European Countries . .

Christians And Camels Receive Their Burdens Kneeling.

International Arbitration May Be Defined As The Substitution Of Many Burning Questions For A Smoldering One

Creditor. One Of A Tribe Of Savages Dwelling Beyond The Financial Straits And Dreaded For Their Desolating Incursions.

Pilgrim, N. A Traveler That Is Taken Seriously. A Pilgrim Father Was One Who [was] Not Permitted To Sing Psalms Through His Nose [in Europe], Followed It To Massachusetts, Where He Could Personate God According To The Dictates Of His Conscience.

In Theology, The State Of A Luckless Mortal Prenatally Damned. The Doctrine Of Reprobation Was Taught By Calvin, Whose Joy In It Was Somewhat Marred By The Sad Sincerity Of His Conviction That Although Some Are Foredoomed To Perdition, Others Are Predestined To Salvation.

Scriptures - The Sacred Books Of Our Holy Religion, As Distinguished From The False And Profane Writings On Which All Other Faiths Are Based.

Republic, N. A Nation In Which, The Thing Governing And The Thing Governed Being The Same, There Is Only A Permitted Authority To Enforce An Optional Obedience.

Land: A Part Of The Earth's Surface, Considered As Property. The Theory That Land Is Property Subject To Private Ownership And Control Is The Foundation Of Modern Society, And Is Eminently Worthy Of The Superstructure.

Famous, Adj.: Conspicuously Miserable.

Quotation, N: The Act Of Repeating Erroneously The Words Of Another.

Mad; Adj. Affected With A High Degree Of Intellectual Independence; Not Conforming To Standards Of Thought, Speech, And Action Derived By The Conformants From Study Of Themselves; At Odds With The Majority; In Short, Unusual. It Is Noteworthy That Persons Are Pronounced Mad By Officials Destitute Of Evidence That They Themselves Are Sane.

Lexicographer, N. A Pestilent Fellow Who, Under The Pretense Of Recording Some Particular Stage In The Development Of A Language, Does What He Can To Arrest Its Growth, Stiffen Its Flexibility And Mechanize Its Methods.

Love: A Temporary Insanity Curable By Marriage.

An Old Wine-bibber Having Been Smashed In A Railway Collision, Some Wine Was Poured On His Lips To Revive Him.

Wit - The Salt With Which The American Humorist Spoils His Intellectual Cookery By Leaving It Out.

Native American

Cerberus, N. The Watch-dog Of Hades, Whose Duty It Was To Guard The Entrance - Against Whom Or What Does Not Clearly Appear; Everybody, Sooner Or Later, Had To Go There, And Nobody Wanted To Carry Off The Entrance.

Affliction, N. An Acclimatizing Process Preparing The Soul For Another And Bitter World.

To The Eye Of Failure Success Is An Accident.

Success Failure

Exile, N. One Who Serves His Country By Residing Abroad, Yet Is Not An Ambassador.

Hibernate, V. I. To Pass The Winter Season In Domestic Seclusion. There Have Been Many Singular Popular Notions About The Hibernation Of Various Animals. Many Believe That The Bear Hibernates During The Whole Winter And Subsists By Mechanically Sucking Its Paws. It Is Admitted That It Comes Out Of Its Retirement In The Spring So Lean That It Has To Try Twice Before It Can Cast A Shadow.

A Chop Is A Piece Of Leather Skillfully Attached To A Bone And Administered To The Patients At Restaurants.

Birth: The First And Direst Of All Disasters.

Goose, N. A Bird That Supplies Quills For Writing. These, By Some Occult Process Of Nature, Are Penetrated And Suffused With Various Degrees Of The Bird's Intellectual Energies And Emotional Character, So That When Inked And Drawn Mechanically Across Paper By A Person Called An "author," There Results A Very Fair And Accurate Transcript Of The Fowl's Thought And Feeling. The Difference In Geese, As Discovered By This Ingenious Method, Is Considerable: Many Are Found To Have Only Trivial And Insignificant Powers, But Some Are Seen To Be Very Great Geese Indeed.

Consult: To Seek Approval For A Course Of Action Already Decided Upon.

Mammalia, N.pl. A Family Of Vertebrate Animals Whose Females In A State Of Nature Suckle Their Young, But When Civilized And Enlightened Put Them Out To Nurse, Or Use The Bottle.

Platitude: All That Is Mortal Of A Departed Truth.

Hospitality, N. The Virtue Which Induces Us To Feed And Lodge Certain Persons Who Are Not In Need Of Food And Lodging.

Generous, Adj. Originally This Word Meant Noble By Birth And Was Rightly Applied To A Great Multitude Of Persons. It Now Means Noble By Nature And Is Taking A Bit Of A Rest.

Pig, N. An Animal ("porcus Omnivorus") Closely Allied To The Human Race By The Splendor And Vivacity Of Its Appetite, Which, However, Is Inferior In Scope, For It Sticks At Pig.

Respite, N. A Suspension Of Hostilities Against A Sentenced Assassin, To Enable The Executive To Determine Whether The Murder May Not Have Been Done By The Prosecuting Attorney. Any Break In The Continuity Of A Disagreeable Expectation.

Suddenly To Change One's Opinions And Go Over To Another Party. The Most Notable Flop On Record Was That Of Saul Of Tarsus, Who Has Been Severely Criticised As A Turn-coat By Some Of Our Partisan Journals.

Executive, N. An Officer Of The Government, Whose Duty It Is To Enforce The Wishes Of The Legislative Power Until Such Time As The Judicial Department Shall Be Pleased To Pronounce Them Invalid And Of No Effect.

Politeness, N: The Most Acceptable Hypocrisy.

Saint: A Dead Sinner Revised And Edited.

Saints And Sinners

Ethnology, N. The Science That Treats Of The Various Tribes Of Man, As Robbers, Thieves, Swindlers, Dunces, Lunatics, Idiots And Ethnologists.

Barometer, N.: An Ingenious Instrument Which Indicates What Kind Of Weather We Are Having.

The Circus A Place Where Horses, Ponies And Elephants Are Permitted To See Men, Women And Children Acting The Fool.

Hog, N. A Bird Remarkable For The Catholicity Of Its Appetite And Serving To Illustrate That Of Ours. Among The Mahometans And Jews, The Hog Is Not In Favor As An Article Of Diet, But Is Respected For The Delicacy And The Melody Of Its Voice. It Is Chiefly As A Songster That The Fowl Is Esteemed; The Cage Of Him In Full Chorus Has Been Known To Draw Tears From Two Persons At Once. The Scientific Name Of This Dicky-bird Is _porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller Did Not Discover The Hog, But It Is Considered His By Right Of Resemblance.

Rubbish, N. Worthless Matter, Such As The Religions, Philosophies, Literatures, Arts And Sciences Of The Tribes Infesting The Regions Lying Due South From Boreaplas.

Magnitude, N. Size [that Is] Purely Relative. If Everything In The Universe Were Increased 1,000 Diameters Nothing Would Be Any Larger Than It Was Before, But If One Thing Remain Unchanged All The Others Would Be Larger Than They Had Been.

Present, N. That Part Of Eternity Dividing The Domain Of Disappointment From The Realm Of Hope.

He Who Thinks With Difficulty Believes With Alacrity. A Fool Is A Natural Proselyte, But He Must Be Caught Young, For His Convictions, Unlike Those Of The Wise, Harden With Age.

The Most Affectionate Creature In The World Is A Wet Dog.

Acquaintance: "a Person Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend To. A Degree Of Friendship Called Slight When Its Object Is Poor Or Obscure, And Intimate When He Is Rich Or Famous.

Grapeshot, N. An Argument Which The Future Is Preparing In Answer To The Demands Of American Socialism.

Fork: An Instrument Used Chiefly For The Purpose Of Putting Dead Animals Into The Mouth.

Self-evident, Adj. Evident To One's Self And To Nobody Else.

Predilection, N. The Preparatory Stage Of Disillusion.

Diaphragm, N. A Muscular Partition Separating Disorders Of The Chest From Disorders Of The Bowels.

Hope Is Desire And Expectation Rolled Into One.

Penitent, Adj. Undergoing Or Awaiting Punishment.

Revolution, N. A Bursting Of The Boilers Which Usually Takes Place When The Safety Valve Of Public Discussion Is Closed.

Hope Is An Explorer Who Surveys The Country Ahead. That Is Why We Know So Much About The Hereafter And So Little About The Heretofore.

Telescope, N. A Device Having A Relation To The Eye Similar To That Of The Telephone To The Ear, Enabling Distant Objects To Plague Us With A Multitude Of Needless Details. Luckily It Is Unprovided With A Bell Summoning Us To The Sacrifice.

One Who, Professing Virtues That He Does Not Respect, Secures The Advantage Of Seeming To Be What He Despises.

Orthography, N. The Science Of Spelling By The Eye Instead Of The Ear.

Railroad, N. The Chief Of Many Mechanical Devices Enabling Us To Get Away From Where We Are To Where We Are No Better Off. For This Purpose The Railroad Is Held In Highest Favor By The Optimist, For It Permits Him To Make The Transit With Great Expedition.

Me, Pro. The Objectionable Case Of I. The Personal Pronoun In English Has Three Cases, The Dominative, The Objectionable And The Oppressive. Each Is All Three.

Optimism - The Doctrine Or Belief That Everything Is Beautiful, Including What Is Ugly.

Heaven: A Place Where The Wicked Cease From Troubling You With Talk Of Their Personal Affairs, And The Good Listen With Attention While You Expound On Yours.

Critic, N. A Person Who Boasts Himself Hard To Please Because Nobody Tries To Please Him.

Police, N. An Armed Force For Protection And Participation.

Homoeopathy, N. A School Of Medicine Midway Between Allopathy And Christian Science. To The Last Both The Others Are Distinctly Inferior, For Christian Science Will Cure Imaginary Diseases, And They Can Not.

Cynic, N: A Blackguard Whose Faulty Vision Sees Things As They Are, Not As They Ought To Be.

Oyster, N. A Slimy, Gobby Shellfish Which Civilization Gives Men The Hardihood To Eat Without Removing Its Entrails! The Shells Are Sometimes Given To The Poor.

Cunning, N. The Faculty That Distinguishes A Weak Animal Or Person From A Strong One. It Brings Its Possessor Much Mental Satisfaction And Great Material Adversity. An Italian Proverb Says: "the Furrier Gets The Skins Of More Foxes Than Asses."

Palmistry, N. The 947th Method . . . Of Obtaining Money By False Pretences [by] "reading Character" In The Wrinkles [of] The Hand. The Pretence Is Not Altogether False. . . For The Wrinkles In Every Hand Submitted Plainly Spell The Word "dupe."

In Our Civilization, And Under Our Republican Form Of Government, Intelligence Is So Highly Honored That It Is Rewarded By Exemption From The Cares Of Office.

Duck-bill, N. Your Account At Your Restaurant During The Canvas-back Season.

Orphan, N. A Living Person Whom Death Has Deprived Of The Power Of Filial Ingratitude . . .

Happiness: An Agreeable Sensation Arising From Contemplating The Misery Of Another.

Resolute, Adj. Obstinate In A Course That We Approve.

Achievement; The Death Of Endeavor And The Birth Of Disgust.

Monarchical Government, N. Government.

Nihilist, N. A Russian Who Denies The Existence Of Anything But Tolstoi. The Leader Of The School Is Tolstoi.

Fib, N. A Lie That Has Not Cut Its Teeth. An Habitual Liar's Nearest Approach To Truth: The Perigee Of His Eccentric Orbit.

Renown, N. A Degree Of Distinction Between Notoriety And Fame - A Little More Supportable Than The One And A Little More Intolerable Than The Other. Sometimes It Is Conferred By An Unfriendly And Inconsiderate Hand.

Reading, N. The General Body Of What One Reads. In Our Country It Consists, As A Rule, Of Indiana Novels, Short Stories In "dialect" And Humor In Slang.

Vanity, N. The Tribute Of A Fool To The Worth Of The Nearest Ass.

Pertaining To A Certain Order Of Architecture, Otherwise Known As Normal American. Most Of The Public Buildings Of The United States Are Of The Ramshackle Order, Though Some Of Our Earlier Architects Preferred The Ironic. Recent Additions To The White House In Washington Are Theo-doric, The Ecclesiastic Order Of The Dorians. They Are Exceedingly Fine And Cost One Hundred Dollars A Brick.

Calamity, N. A More Than Commonly Plain And Unmistakable Reminder That The Affairs Of This Life Are Not Of Our Own Ordering. Calamities Are Of Two Kinds: Misfortune To Ourselves, And Good Fortune To Others.

In Each Human Heart Are A Tiger, A Pig, An Ass And A Nightingale. Diversity Of Character Is Due To Their Unequal Activity.

Plague, N. In Ancient Times A General Punishment Of The Innocent For Admonition Of Their Ruler, As In The Familiar Instance Of Pharaoh The Immune. The Plague Today . . . Is Merely Nature's Fortuitous Manifestation Of Her Purposeless Objectionableness.

An Ingenious Compound Of Desirability And Appearance. Discovery Of Truth Is The Sole Purpose Of Philosophy, Which Is The Most Ancient Occupation Of The Human Mind And Has A Fair Prospect Of Existing With Increasing Activity To The End Of Time.

Every Patriot Believes His Country Better Than Any Other Country . . . In Its Active Manifestation-it Is Fond Of Killing-patriotism Would Be Well Enough If It Were Simply Defensive, But It Is Also Aggressive . . . Patriotism Deliberately And With Folly Aforethought Subordinates The Interests Of A Whole To The Interests Of A Part . . . Patriotism Is Fierce As A Fever, Pitiless As The Grave And Blind As A Stone.

Conversation: A Fair For The Display Of The Minor Mental Commodities, Each Exhibitor Being Too Intent Upon The Arrangement Of His Own Wares To Observe Those Of His Neighbor.

Commerce, N. A Kind Of Transaction In Which A Plunders From B The Goods Of C, And For Compensation B Picks The Pocket Of D Of Money Belonging To E.

Pain, N. An Uncomfortable Frame Of Mind That May Have A Physical Basis In Something That Is Being Done To The Body, Or May Be Purely Mental, Caused By The Good Fortune Of Another.

Improvidence, N. Provision For The Needs Of To-day From The Revenues Of To-morrow.

Talk, V.t. To Commit An Indiscretion Without Temptation, From An Impulse Without Purpose.

The Ghost Is The Outward And Visible Signs Of An Inward Fear.

Witch, N. (1) Any Ugly And Repulsive Old Woman, In A Wicked League With The Devil. (2) A Beautiful And Attractive Young Woman, In Wickedness A League Beyond The Devil.

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