Background Image

...

The More Complicated The Order, The Bigger The Asshole. If You Walk Into A Starbucks And Order A 'decaf Grandee, Half Soy, Half Lowfat, Iced Vanilla, Double-shot, Gingerbread Cappuccino, Extra Dry, Light Ice, With One Sweet-n'-low And One Nutrasweet,' Ooooh, You're A Huge Asshole.

-George Carlin

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

The More Complicated The

George Carlin

...

The More Complicated The Order, The Bigger The Asshole. If You Walk Into A Starbucks And Order A 'decaf Grandee, Half Soy, Half Lowfat, Iced Vanilla, Double-shot, Gingerbread Cappuccino, Extra Dry, Light Ice, With One Sweet-n'-low And One Nutrasweet,' Ooooh, You're A Huge Asshole.

Views: 5

Topic

More From George Carlin

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

If You Dropped Me Off A Space Platform Onto The Ground Where A Line Was Drawn, I Would Fall To The Left Side Of It. I Believe The Difference Between Right And Left Is That The Right, For The Most Part, The Bulk Of Their Philosophy Is Interested In Property, And The Rights Of People To Own Property And Gain And Acquire And Keep Property. And I Think On The Left - Though They Blend And Mix - On The Left Primarily You Will Find People Who Are More Concerned About Humans, And The Human Condition, And What Can Be Done.

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

This Country Was Founded By A Group Of Slave Owners Who Told Us That All Men Are Created Equal.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

Honesty May Be The Best Policy, But It's Important To Remember That Apparently, By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

Hooray For Most Things!

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'

Sex Always Has Consequences. When Hitler's Mother Spread Her Legs That Night, She Effectively Canceled Out The Spreading Of Fifteen To Twenty Million Other Pairs Of Legs.

If Everyone In The World Sat Quietly At The Same Time, Closed Their Eyes And Concentrated As Hard As They Could On Peace And Goodwill, All The Killing And Cruelty In The World Would Continue. And Probably Increase.

Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded. You See The Brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - All Over Their Bodies. Pretty Soon You'll Go To A Family And Say, "$100,000 If We Can Tattoo Pepsi On Your Child's Forehead, And We'll Have It Removed When He's Twenty-one. A Hundred Grand."

Next Time You See Someone Sleeping, Make Believe You're In A Science Fiction Movie. And Whisper, 'the Creature Is Regenerating Itself.'

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer Survival

Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak The Truth

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Whoever Coined The Term "buyer Beware" Was Probably Bleeding From The Asshole.

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food Of All, Kumquats.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.

I, Myself, Have Killed Six People. All Random, All Undetected, No Way To Trace Them To Me. And, Let Me Tell You, There's Nothin' Like It. It's A Great Feeling. Yeah, I Know, You're Thinking. 'aw, He's A Comedian. He's Just Sayin' That Stuff.' Good. That's Exactly What I Want You To Think.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

People Are Dreaming If They Think They Have Rights. They've Never Had Rights. There's No Such Thing.

I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

So I Want To Thank The Pentagon, The Soviet Union And The Military-industrial Complex From The Bottom Of My Heart. Without Them, I Could Never Have Become The Man I Am Today.

Why Are A 'wise Man' And A 'wiseguy' Opposites?

There Are Three Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count, And Those Who Cannot.

Mathematical Logic

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

As A Matter Of Principle, I Never Attend The First Annual Anything.

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

There Will Be A Rain Dance Friday Night, Weather Permitting!

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

Always Do Whatever's Next.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

And Now Gay People Want To Get Married... Haven't They Suffered Enough?

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

You Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala.

Don't Take Guilt Trips. Take A Trip To The Mall, To The Next County, To A Foreign Country, But Not To Where The Guilt Is.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

If You Live Long Enough, Sooner Or Later Everybody You Know Has Cancer.

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

Rules To Live By

I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

I Think It Keeps The Child Alive In Me. There's A Thrill When You Steal Something In Plain View Of Other People.

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

I Think It's Important To Break Taboos For The Same Reason It's Important To Break Laws And Rules - Because Either You're A Slave To Them, Or You're Taking Matters Into Your Hands.

What Exactly Is "midair"? Is There Some Other Part Of Air Besides The "mid" Part?

In Comic Strips, The Person On The Left Always Speaks First.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

I Always Wanted And Enjoyed Sex, But I Never Put Much Importance On Scoring Or Having An Athletic Sex Life. I Guess I Define Myself More By My Career And My Commitment To A Relationship Than By My Ability To Have A Lot Of Chicks Or Achieve Ten Orgasms In An Evening.

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

That's Really A Part Of My Nature , It Goes Along With Autonomy And Independence Of Action - It's Just That I Don't Identify With The Local Group, No Matter What It Is, Whether It's The Human Species Or The American Democracy, The Nation, The Country, Religions, Political Parties, Nothing. None Of These Have My Allegiance Because I'm Not Really Concerned With What They Do. I Don't Feel A Part Of Any Of This.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

Soft Rock Music Isn’t Rock, And It Ain’t Music. It’s Just Soft.

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

The Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage.

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

Why Do They Bother With A Suicide Watch When Someone Is On Death Row? "keep An Eye On This Guy. We're Gonna Kill Him, And We Don't Want Him To Hurt Himself."

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

There Are Only Two Types Of Motorists: The Idiots Who Drive Slower Than Me, And The Lunatics Who Go Faster.

I Often Warn People: "somewhere Along The Way, Someone Is Going To Tell You, 'there Is No "i" In Team.' What You Should Tell Them Is, 'maybe Not. But There Is An "i" In Independence, Individuality And Integrity.

I Finally Accepted Jesus. Not As My Personal Savior, But As A Man I Intend To Borrow Money From.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

I'm Thinking Of Buying A Church And Changing It Around: Maybe Selling Crack And Having A Few Whores In The Pew.

I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.

Engineers At General Motors Have Developed A Revolutionary New Engine Whose Only Function Is To Lubricate Itself.

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

Attractive Things

We [americans] Are Not A Freedom-loving People In The Beautiful, Spiritual Sense. We Have An Inspiring Constitution, But We're A Hardhearted People.

When I First Heard The Song Don't Worry - Be Happy I Realized It Was Exactly The Kind Of Mindless Philosophy That Americans Would Respond To. It Would Make A Great National Anthem Along With Me First.

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

Religion Cruelly Exploits Our Need To Feel Connected.

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

My Father And Mother Separated When I Was Two Months Old.

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

I Don't Believe There's Any Problem In This Country, No Matter How Tough It Is, That Americans, When They Roll Up Their Sleeves, Can't Completely Ignore.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

I'm In Favor Of Personal Growth As Long As It Doesn't Include Malignant Tumors.

Trending Author

Category