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Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.
-George Carlin
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Religion Has Convinced People

George Carlin
Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.
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Topic
Funny
Life
Motivational
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Morning
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School
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Thinking
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Giving
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Made
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Language
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Albums
Peyote
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Eye
World
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Funny
Humor
Stupid People
What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?
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Humor
Men
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Personality
World
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Thinking
Ideas
Limits
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Song
Humorous
Eye
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Religious
Atheist
Ideas
Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.
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Moving
Mean
You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.
Home
Pockets
World
We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing
Thanksgiving
Sarcastic
Sarcasm
The Next Time They Give You All That Civic Bullshit About Voting, Keep In Mind That Hitler Was Elected In A Full, Free Democratic Election
Bullshit
Giving
Voting
In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."
Growing Up
Yearbook
Names
And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National
Stupid
People
Messages
I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.
Humorous
Book
Twelve
Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?
Political
Beef
Needs
If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.
Honesty
Pie
America
I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.
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Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.
People
Choices
Inability
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Thinking
Self
If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.
Funny
Life
Smile
I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.
Atheist
Practice
Circumcision
All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another
Media
Different
Politician
A Lot Of Times When They Catch A Guy Who Killed Twenty-seven People, They Say, He Was A Loner. Well, Of Course He Was A Loner; He Killed Everyone He Came In Contact With.
People
Guy
Loner
Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.
Numbers
Records
Alive
I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.
Stupid
Humorous
Fall
There Are Battered Husbands. Apparently This Happens When The Woman Is Real Big, The Man Is Very Small, And They Each Drink A Quart Of Whiskey A Day.
Husband
Real
Men
We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.
Yoga
Thinking
Years
I'm Sure Hitler Was Great With His Family.
Family
Life Is Tough, Then You Die.
Tough
Life Is
Life Is Tough
Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!
Funny
Death
Senior
One Thing Leads To Another? Not Always. Sometimes One Thing Leads To The Same Thing. Ask An Addict.
Stupid
People
Sometimes
Know My Feelings About Traffic Laws? Cop Didn't See It? I Didn't Do It.
Law
Feelings
Cop
When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.
Morning
Mean
Eight
If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?
Stills
Pencils
Ifs
Singing Is Basically A Form Of Pleasant, Controlled Screaming.
Singing
Form
Pleasant
I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.
Funny
Birthday
Meaningful
I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.
Funny
Thinking
People
The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.
Inspirational
Funny
Truth
Golf Is An Arrogant, Elitist Game That Takes Up Entirely Too Much Space In This Country.
Country
Golf
Games
Why Do They Bother With A Suicide Watch When Someone Is On Death Row? "keep An Eye On This Guy. We're Gonna Kill Him, And We Don't Want Him To Hurt Himself."
Suicide
Hurt
Humorous
Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.
Humorous
Giving
Helping
Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?
Giving
Should
Illegal
I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.
People
Essentials
Phrases
Eventually, Alas, I Realized The Main Purpose Of Buying Cocaine Is To Run Out Of It.
Funny
Running
Stupid
If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.
Funny
Sexy
Arms
I Didn't Wash Today. I Wasn't Dirty. If I'm Not Dirty, I Don't Wash. Some Weeks I Don't Have To Shower At All. I Just Groom My Three Basic Areas: Teeth, Hair, And Asshole. And To Save Time, I Use The Same Brush.
Dirty
Hair
Teeth
When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.
Clever
Kids
Pieces
Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.
Cutting
Nuts
Insanity
I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.
Yellow
Flags
Ribbons
I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.
Dream
Order
Space
Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.
Heart
Smell
Disease
We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.
Funny
Sarcastic
Witty
I Was Looking In The Mirror The Other Day And I Realized I Haven't Changed Much Since I Was In My Twenties. The Only Difference Is I Look A Whole Lot Older Now.
Funny
Mirrors
Differences
Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.
Nature
Philosophy
Stupid
Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.
Stupid
People
Hearing
There Are An Awful Lot Of Things In The Cut Of Street Drugs That Eventually Make You Sick. I Reached A Point Where The Skin Around The Edges Of My Fingernails Used To Hurt All The Time. And It Would Peel Away Easily. Now, That Must Have Been From Some Poison In The Cut.
Hurt
Cutting
Sick
Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.
Different
Had Enough
Cocaine
Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.
Inspirational
Funny
Life
You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!
Country
War
Humorous
These Days Many Politicians Are Demanding Change. Just Like Homeless People.
Humorous
People
Election
People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.
People
Upset
Want
Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.
Whales
Tree
Bees
When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.
Funny
Humor
People
I Don't Understand Why Prostitution Is Illegal, Selling Is Legal, F***ing Is Legal. So Why Isn't It Legal To Sell F***ing? Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Legal To Give Away?
Humorous
Giving
Selling
Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.
Song
Humorous
Simple
I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.
Funny
Change
Money
Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.
Glasses
People
Optimism
The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.
Funny
Christian
Sarcastic
No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.
Funny
Sarcastic
Witty
I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.
Jobs
Gynecologists
Opening
If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?
Funny
Humor
Dumb Questions
There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.
People
Groups
Use
Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.
Holiday
Law
Boring
The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.
Mistake
Men
Thinking
There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.
Couple
Mind
Littles
As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.
Stupid
Humorous
Hero
The Only Thing High-definition Television Will Do Is Provide Sharper Images Of The Garbage.
Television
Definitions
Garbage
One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.
Friendship
True Friend
Funny Best Friend
Isn’t It A Bit Unnerving That Doctors Call What They Do “practice”?
Funny
Philosophy
Health
Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.
Age
Pay
Hell
Anger Is A Handy Term And Words Are Tricky, As We Know. What One Man Perceives As Anger, Another Person - In My Case The Deliverer Of Material - Is, "don't You See It, Don't You See How Badly You're Doing?" It's Like Shaking A Child - Which You're Not Supposed To Do.
Children
Men
Cases
If 4 Out Of 5 People Suffer From Diarrhea…does That Mean That 1 Enjoys It?
Funny
Humor
Mean
If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.
Comedy
Genuine
Ifs
I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.
Artist
Thinking
Analysis
There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.
Thinking
Years
Going Away
When I Was Young I Used To Read About The Decline Of Western Civilization, And I Decided It Was Something I Would Like To Make A Contribution To.
Humorous
Civilization
Used
Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.


2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.


2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.


2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.


3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.


3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.


3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.



4. Proper Usage of Quotes


4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.


4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.


4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).


5. Common Mistakes to Avoid


5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.


5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.


5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.



6. Quotes in Different Contexts


6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.


6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.


6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.



7. Punctuation and Formatting


Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:


Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.


Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.


Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.



8. Ethical Considerations


Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes


Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.



Conclusion


Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.


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