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Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

-George Carlin

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Religion Has Convinced People

George Carlin

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Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

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I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

You Show Me Something That Doesn't Cause Cancer, And I'll Show You Something That Isn't On The Market Yet.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

I Did Lsd And Peyote In The Late Sixties, Before I Got Into Cocaine. That Was Concurrent With My Change From A Straight Comic To The Album And Counterculture Period, And Those Drugs Served Their Purpose. They Helped Open Me Up.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

Have You Ever Wondered Why Republicans Are So Interested In Encouraging People To Volunteer In Their Communities? It’s Because Volunteers Work For No Pay. Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Language Always Gives You Away.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

Frisbeetarianism Is The Belief That When You Die, Your Soul Goes Up On The Roof And Gets Stuck.

Roof Over Your Head

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

You Have To Be Realistic About Terrorism. Certain Groups Of People, Certain Groups, Muslim Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalists, Jewish Fundamentalists, And Just Plain Guys From Montana, Are Going To Continue To Make Life In This Country Very Interesting For A Long, Long Time.

I Just Love It When I Hear A Little Commotion, Someone Leaving. When I See Those Doors In The Back . . .

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

A Good Motto To Live By: "always Try Not To Get Killed.

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

One Thing Leads To Another? Not Always. Sometimes One Thing Leads To The Same Thing. Ask An Addict.

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

Two Things Happened. The Creative Side Of My Career Was Harmed. When I'd Sit Down And Write Under The Influence Of Coke, The Ratio Of Pages Kept To Pages Thrown Out Declined Drastically. But Onstage, When Rapping About A Feeling I Already Owned, I Would Sometimes Get A Burst Of Eloquence.

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

I Often Wonder How Different The World Would Be If Hitler Had Not Been Turned Down When He Applied To Art School.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

And What Can We Do To Silence These Christian Athletes Who Thank Jesus Whenever They Win, Never Mention His Name When They Lose? Not A Word. You Never Hear Them Say "jesus Made Me Drop The Ball." "the Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage." According To These Guys Jesus Is Undefeated, Meanwhile These Assholes Are In Last Place. Must Be Another One Of Those "miracles."

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

In Football The Object Is To March Into Enemy Territory And Cross His Goal. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home.

Hooray For Most Things!

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

There Is A Core Of Loneliness. It's Partly Existential. Secondly, I Was Raised A Loner. My Parents Were Not There. My Father Was Asked To Leave Because He Couldn't Metabolize Ethanol. Actually, My Mother Ran Away With Us When I Was 2 Months Old And My Brother Was 5. Real Dramatic Stuff: Down The Fire Escape, Through Backyards. So, I Sort Of Raised Myself. I Was Alone A Lot And I Invented Myself - I Lived Through The Radio And Through My Imagination.

The Planet Isn't Going Anywhere. We Are.

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

Every Person You Look At, You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

I Worry About My Judgment When Anything I Believe In Or Do Regularly Begins To Be Accepted By The American Public.

You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

I, Myself, Have Killed Six People. All Random, All Undetected, No Way To Trace Them To Me. And, Let Me Tell You, There's Nothin' Like It. It's A Great Feeling. Yeah, I Know, You're Thinking. 'aw, He's A Comedian. He's Just Sayin' That Stuff.' Good. That's Exactly What I Want You To Think.

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach Him How To Fish, And He Will Sit In A Boat And Drink Beer All Day.

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

Eventually, Alas, I Realized The Main Purpose Of Buying Cocaine Is To Run Out Of It.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

Let Me Get A Sip Of Water Here... You Figure This Stuff Is Safe To Drink? Actually, I Don't Care, I Drink It Anyway. You Know Why? Because I'm An American And I Expect A Little Cancer In My Food And Water. I'm A Loyal American And I'm Not Happy Unless I Let Government And Industry Poison Me A Little Bit Every Day.

We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

I Was Looking In The Mirror The Other Day And I Realized I Haven't Changed Much Since I Was In My Twenties. The Only Difference Is I Look A Whole Lot Older Now.

It's Harder To Be Funny From The Position Of Power.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

No, There's No God, But There Might Be Some Sort Of An Organizing Intelligence, And I Think To Understand It Is Way Beyond Our Ability. It's Certainly Not A Judgmental Entity. It's Certainly Not Paternalistic And All These Qualities That Have Been Attributed To God.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

Don’t Just Teach Your Children To Read… Teach Them To Question What They Read. Teach Them To Question Everything.

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

The Next Time A Prostitute Solicits Your Business, Ask For The Clergyman's Rate.

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Everything Beeps Now.

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

I Am Not A Complete Vegetarian. I Eat Only Animals That Have Died In Their Sleep.

Oh Beautiful For Smoggy Skies, Insecticided Grain, For Strip-mined Mountain's Majesty Above The Asphalt Plain. America, America, Man Sheds His Waste On Thee, And Hides The Pines With Billboard Signs, From Sea To Oily Sea.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

Attractive Things

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

If Black Boxes Survive Air Crashes - Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of That Stuff?

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

I'd Go On Runs [on Cocaine ], Four And Five Days Without Sleep. Then I'd Crash And Sleep About 18 Hours A Day For Seven To Ten Days. Then It Would Take A Few More Weeks To Get Over A Vague Sort Of Depression. Then I'd Be Off On Another Run.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

I Don't Think Drugs Are A Problem; I Think They're A Symptom. As Long As Americans Are Empty, Spiritually, Emotionally, Morally Empty, They Will Need Things Like The Drugs They Choose To Use. Mankind Has Wanted To Change The Way It Felt From The Beginning Anyway. In This Country There Are Even More Reasons To Want To Feel Different, To Want To Feel Better, Because This Is Such A Neon Sewer. This Is Such A Degrading Culture. It Forces You To Play Beethoven To Your Child In The Uterus So That He Will Get Into A Better School And A Better Job And Make More Money So He Can Take Care Of You.

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

It's Never Just A Game When You're Winning.

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

Because Brenda [carlin] Had A Drinking Problem Along With The Coke, She Had To Hit Bottom First. Most Alcoholics Do. And For Her, Bottom Was An Automobile Accident That Almost Landed Her In Jail.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

If The Shoe Fits, Buy Another One Just Like It.

If The Shoe Fits

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

They Say If You Outlaw Guns, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns. Well, Those Are Precisely The People Who Need Them!

Did You Ever Stop To Thnk About All The People We Kill? They're Always People Who Tell Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They All Said: 'try To Live Together Peacefully.' Bam! Right In The F--in Head! Aparently We're Not Ready For That!

Why Do Overlook And Oversee Mean Opposite Things?

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

When I Was Young I Used To Read About The Decline Of Western Civilization, And I Decided It Was Something I Would Like To Make A Contribution To.

I Think Religion Is Very Anti-man. I Think It's A Terrible Distortion And Exploitation Of A Very Natural Urge Every Human Has - To Be Rejoined With The One Somehow, To Become A Part Of The Universe. Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

The Symphony Orchestra Had Played Poorly, So The Conductor Was In A Bad Mood. That Night He Beat His Wife--because The Music Hadn't Been Beautiful Enough.

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

I Was Kind Of Sweet Kid, According My Mother, And My Recollections. Thoughtful And Good, But Kind Of Alone - Although I Didn't Interpret It That Way, As Such. Children Never Interpret These Things. They Think They Understand Logically.

Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

The Christians Are Coming To Get You, And They Are Not Pleasant People.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

Anger Is A Handy Term And Words Are Tricky, As We Know. What One Man Perceives As Anger, Another Person - In My Case The Deliverer Of Material - Is, "don't You See It, Don't You See How Badly You're Doing?" It's Like Shaking A Child - Which You're Not Supposed To Do.

A Crumb Is A Great Thing: If You Break A Crumb In Half, You Don't Get Two Half-crumbs, You Get Two Crumbs. Doesn't That Violate Some Law Of Physics?

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

Do You Know The Nicest Thing About Looking At Pictures Of A 1950's Baseball Park? The Only People Wearing Baseball Caps Are The Players.

One Of The More Pretentious Political Self-descriptions Is 'libertarian.' People Think It Puts Them Above The Fray. It Sounds Fashionable, And To The Uninitiated, Faintly Dangerous. Actually, It's Just One More Bullshit Political Philosophy.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are.

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

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