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I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

-George Carlin

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I Love Individuals. I

George Carlin

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I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

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But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak The Truth

Praying Is Begging For An Unseen Deity To Alter The Laws Of Nature For Someone Admittedly Unworthy.

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

The Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

There Are Only Two Places In The World: Over Here And Over There.

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

But Wait!!! You Make It To 60. You Didn't Think You Would!

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

I'm In Shape. Round Is A Shape.

I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

No One Knows What's Next, But Everybody Does It.

When I Was In Seventh Grade, I Was Caught Stealing Money From The Visiting Team's Locker Room During A Basketball Game. So I Was Sent To The Brothers. That's What They Called This Parochial School Up In Goshen, New York. I Was Supposed To Get Closer Supervision There And More "masculine Influence," Whatever That Means. But I Was Thrown Out For Telling A Couple Of Really Lame Kids On The Playground That I Had Heroin.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

I Hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil Told Me To Express My Feelings, So I'm Expressing Them.

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

Number One, One, One On Wonderful Wino.

I Credit That Eight Years Of Grammar School With Nourishing Me In A Direction Where I Could Trust Myself And Trust My Instincts. They Gave Me The Tools To Reject My Faith. They Taught Me To Question And Think For Myself And To Believe In My Instincts To Such An Extent That I Just Said, "this Is A Wonderful Fairy Tale They Have Going Here, But It's Not For Me."

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

The Things That Matter In This Country Have Been Reduced In Choice, There Are Two Political Parties, There Are A Handful Insurance Companies, There Are Six Or Seven Information Centers.. But If You Want A Bagel There Are 23 Flavors. Because You Have The Illusion Of Choice!

You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

In Terms Of Coke, The Only Money I Ever Thought About Was That Dollar Bill I Had Stuck Up My Nose.

Put Two Things Together Which Have Never Been Put Together Before, And Some Schmuck Will Buy It.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

Hooray For Most Things!

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

Thall Shall Keep Thy Religion To Thy Selves.

Nothing Rectifies Out-of-control Market Failures Like A Healthy Dose Of Government Intervention And Mountains Of Bureaucracy.

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

The Main Reason Women Are Crazy, Is That Men Are Stupid.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

The First Obligation I Have Is To Be Funny; It's My First Impulse And An Instinct. I Like Being Funny And Finding The Jokes.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

If God Is All Powerful, Can He Make A Stone So Big That He Himself Can't Lift It?

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

I'll Tell You A Little Secret About The Blues: It's Not Enough To Know Which Notes To Play, You Have To Know Why They Need To Be Played.

We've Cleaned Up The Air, But Polluted The Soul.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

The Sicker You Get, The Harder It Is To Remember If You Took Your Medicine.

Why Don't They Have Waiters In Waiting Rooms?

In The United States, Anybody Can Be President. That's The Problem.

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label. I Feel That If I Was Figuratively Dropped On The Earth And There Was A Political Line, I Would Be Just Left Of Center. The Difference For Me Is That Conservatives Are More Interested In Property Values And Rights And Free Markets, And Liberals Are More Interested In Human Rights. In The End, There Are People Who Don't Fit Into The Marketplace And Are Not Equipped. I Believe The Government Should Step In Where The Free Market Fails.

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

People Love To Admit They Have Bad Handwriting Or That They Can't Do Math. And They Will Readily Admit To Being Awkward: 'i'm Such A Klutz!' But They Will Never Admit To Having A Poor Sense Of Humor Or Being A Bad Driver.

Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Support Systems

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

Eventually, Alas, I Realized The Main Purpose Of Buying Cocaine Is To Run Out Of It.

The Baby Boomers: Whiny, Narcissistic, Self-indulgent People With A Simple Philosophy: "gimme That! It's Mine!"

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

The Christians Are Coming To Get You, And They Are Not Pleasant People.

And Although I Broke A Lot Of Laws As A Teenager, I Straightened Out Immediately Upon Turning Eighteen, When I Realized The State Had A Legal Right To Execute Me.

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

Christian Deodorant: "thou Shalt Not Smell"

Why Do Croutons Come In Airtight Packages? It's Just Stale Bread To Begin With.

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

That's Really A Part Of My Nature , It Goes Along With Autonomy And Independence Of Action - It's Just That I Don't Identify With The Local Group, No Matter What It Is, Whether It's The Human Species Or The American Democracy, The Nation, The Country, Religions, Political Parties, Nothing. None Of These Have My Allegiance Because I'm Not Really Concerned With What They Do. I Don't Feel A Part Of Any Of This.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

So I Live In Los Angeles, And It's Kind Of A Goofy Place. They Have An Airport Named After John Wayne. That Ought To Explain It. It Has A Charming Kind Of Superstitious Innocence.

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

If People Stand In A Circle Long Enough, They'll Eventually Begin To Dance.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Everything That You Know About Yourself Comes From Thinking Back, And I Think I Saw Religion As The First Big Betrayal Of Me.

I Think We’re Part Of A Greater Wisdom That We Will Ever Understand; A Higher Order, Call It What You Want. Know What I Call It? The Big Electron. It Doesn’t Punish, It Doesn’t Reward, It Doesn’t Judge At All. It Just Is.

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

Conservatives Say If You Don't Give The Rich More Money, They Will Lose Their Incentive To Invest. As For The Poor, They Tell Us They've Lost All Incentive Because We've Given Them Too Much Money.

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

Personally, When It Comes To Rights, I Think One Of Two Things Is True. I Think Either We Have Unlimited Rights, Or We Have No Rights At All. Personally I Lean Towards Unlimited Rights, I Feel For Instance I Have The Right To Do Anything I Please, But! If I Do Something You Don't Like I Think You Have The Right To Kill Me.

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

Tonight's Forecast: Dark. Continued Mostly Dark Tonight, Turning To Wildly Scattered Light In The Morning

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Golf Is An Arrogant, Elitist Game That Takes Up Entirely Too Much Space In This Country.

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Let Me Get A Sip Of Water Here... You Figure This Stuff Is Safe To Drink? Actually, I Don't Care, I Drink It Anyway. You Know Why? Because I'm An American And I Expect A Little Cancer In My Food And Water. I'm A Loyal American And I'm Not Happy Unless I Let Government And Industry Poison Me A Little Bit Every Day.

Something Is Wrong. War, Disease, Death, Destruction, Hunger, Filth, Poverty, Crime, Torture, Corruption And The Ice Capades. If This Is The Best God Can Do, I Am Not Impressed. This Is Not What You Expect To Find On The Resume Of A Supreme Being. It's What You Expect From An Office Temp With A Bad Attitude.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

A Crazy Person Doesn't Really Lose His Mind. It Just Becomes Something More Entertaining.

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

The Things They Don't Tell You In Schools These Days, Geez. Have A Look At Your Owners. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice; You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

Everything Beeps Now.

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

The Status Quo Sucks.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

I'm Not An Angry Person, Just Very Disappointed And Contemptuous Of My Fellow Humans' Choices - And On Stage Those Feelings Sometimes Are Exaggerated For A Theatric Stage - You're On A Stage You Have An Audience Of 2500 Or 3000 People: You Need To Project The Feelings, The Emotions It's Heightened, And People Mistake It For A Personal Anger But It's More Dissatisfaction, Disappointment And Contempt For These Things We've Settled For.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

Test Of Metal: Will Of Iron, Nerves Of Steel, Heart Of Gold, Balls Of Brass.

Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

I'm Not A Person Who Thinks They Can Have It All, But I Certainly Feel That With A Bit Of Effort And Guile I Should Be Able To Have More Than My Fair Share.

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Christians Worship A Dead Jew On A Stick

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

No One Who Has Had "taps" Played For Them Has Ever Been Able To Hear It.

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Funny Best Friend

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Scratch Any Cynic And You Will Find A Disappointed Idealist.

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'i Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

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