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I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

-George Carlin

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I Say Things That

George Carlin

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I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

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The First Obligation I Have Is To Be Funny; It's My First Impulse And An Instinct. I Like Being Funny And Finding The Jokes.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

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And Now Gay People Want To Get Married... Haven't They Suffered Enough?

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

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Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

The More Complicated The Order, The Bigger The Asshole. If You Walk Into A Starbucks And Order A 'decaf Grandee, Half Soy, Half Lowfat, Iced Vanilla, Double-shot, Gingerbread Cappuccino, Extra Dry, Light Ice, With One Sweet-n'-low And One Nutrasweet,' Ooooh, You're A Huge Asshole.

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You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Oh Beautiful For Smoggy Skies, Insecticided Grain, For Strip-mined Mountain's Majesty Above The Asphalt Plain. America, America, Man Sheds His Waste On Thee, And Hides The Pines With Billboard Signs, From Sea To Oily Sea.

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If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

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I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label. I Feel That If I Was Figuratively Dropped On The Earth And There Was A Political Line, I Would Be Just Left Of Center. The Difference For Me Is That Conservatives Are More Interested In Property Values And Rights And Free Markets, And Liberals Are More Interested In Human Rights. In The End, There Are People Who Don't Fit Into The Marketplace And Are Not Equipped. I Believe The Government Should Step In Where The Free Market Fails.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

I Was Kind Of Sweet Kid, According My Mother, And My Recollections. Thoughtful And Good, But Kind Of Alone - Although I Didn't Interpret It That Way, As Such. Children Never Interpret These Things. They Think They Understand Logically.

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

Hey! Who Stole My Collection Of Used Bandages?! And They Also Got Away With My Nude Pictures Of Ernest Borgnine!

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

Government Want To Tell You Things You Can't Say Because They're Against The Law, Or You Can't Say This Because It's Against A Regulation, Or Here's Something You Can't Say Because Its A... Secret; "you Can't Tell Him That Because He's Not Cleared To Know That." Government Wants To Control Information And Control Language Because That's The Way You Control Thought, And Basically That's The Game They're In.

People Who See Life As Anything More Than Pure Entertainment Are Missing The Point.

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

We Think In Language. The Quality Of Our Thoughts And Ideas Can Only Be As Good As The Quality Of Our Language.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

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Douglas Hofstadter

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