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The Violence Of The Left Is Symbolic, The Injuries Are Not Intended. The Violence Of The Right Is Real - Directed At People, Designed To Cause Injuries. Vietnam, Nuclear Weapons, Police Out Of Control Are Intentional Forms Of Violence. The Violence From The Right Is Aimed Directly At People And The Violence From The Left Is Aimed At Institutions And Symbols.

-George Carlin

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The Violence Of The

George Carlin

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The Violence Of The Left Is Symbolic, The Injuries Are Not Intended. The Violence Of The Right Is Real - Directed At People, Designed To Cause Injuries. Vietnam, Nuclear Weapons, Police Out Of Control Are Intentional Forms Of Violence. The Violence From The Right Is Aimed Directly At People And The Violence From The Left Is Aimed At Institutions And Symbols.

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Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

The Truth Is, Pavlov's Dog Trained Pavlov To Ring This Bell Just Before The Dog Salivated.

If Honesty Were Suddenly Introduced Into American Life, The Whole System Would Collapse.

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

I Always Knew I Could Hold People's Attention And Make Them Laugh Every 30 Or 40 Seconds, And I Got Approval And Attention For That, So The Behavior Was Reinforced. Later, That Became An Important Skill On The Street Corner.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

If You Have A Legal Problem, Guess How You Determine Whether Or Not You Need A Lawyer. You See A Lawyer. Isn't That Weird?

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

I Just Love It When I Hear A Little Commotion, Someone Leaving. When I See Those Doors In The Back . . .

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded. You See The Brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - All Over Their Bodies. Pretty Soon You'll Go To A Family And Say, "$100,000 If We Can Tattoo Pepsi On Your Child's Forehead, And We'll Have It Removed When He's Twenty-one. A Hundred Grand."

Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

In Some Hotels They Give You A Little Sewing Kit. You Know What I Do? I Sew The Towels Together. One Time I Sewed A Button On A Lampshade. I Like To Leave A Mark.

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

People Are Wonderful. I Love Individuals. I Hate Groups Of People. I Hate A Group Of People With A 'common Purpose'. 'cause Pretty Soon They Have Little Hats. And Armbands. And Fight Songs. And A List Of People They're Going To Visit At 3am. So, I Dislike And Despise Groups Of People But I Love Individuals. Every Person You Look At; You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Here's A Bumper Sticker I'd Like To See... 'we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who Has Resisted His Teacher's Attempts To Bend Him To The Will Of His Corporate Masters'.

To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

We [americans] Are Not A Freedom-loving People In The Beautiful, Spiritual Sense. We Have An Inspiring Constitution, But We're A Hardhearted People.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

The Things That Matter In This Country Have Been Reduced In Choice, There Are Two Political Parties, There Are A Handful Insurance Companies, There Are Six Or Seven Information Centers.. But If You Want A Bagel There Are 23 Flavors. Because You Have The Illusion Of Choice!

A Person Of Good Intelligence And Of Sensitivity Cannot Exist In This Society Very Long Without Having Some Anger About The Inequality - And It's Not Just A Bleeding-heart, Knee-jerk, Liberal Kind Of A Thing - It Is Just A Normal Human Reaction To A Nonsensical Set Of Values Where We Have Cinnamon Flavored Dental Floss And There Are People Sleeping In The Street.

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

So I Live In Los Angeles, And It's Kind Of A Goofy Place. They Have An Airport Named After John Wayne. That Ought To Explain It. It Has A Charming Kind Of Superstitious Innocence.

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

People Love To Admit They Have Bad Handwriting Or That They Can't Do Math. And They Will Readily Admit To Being Awkward: 'i'm Such A Klutz!' But They Will Never Admit To Having A Poor Sense Of Humor Or Being A Bad Driver.

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

I'm A Believer That Things Happen. Fate Is What Happens.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

They Say That Instead Of Cursing The Darkness, One Should Light A Candle. Nothing Is Mentioned, Though, About Cursing A Lack Of Candles.

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

In Football The Object Is To March Into Enemy Territory And Cross His Goal. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

A Scary Dream Makes Your Heart Beat Faster. Why Doesn't The Part Of Your Brain That Controls Your Heartbeat Realize That Another Part Of Your Brain Is Making The Whole Thing Up? Don't These People Communicate?

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'

How Old Are You? 'i'm Four And A Half!' You're Never Thirty-six And A Half. You're Four And A Half, Going On Five! That's The Key.

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So, God? Hey, If You Read History You'll Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death...has Been For Thousands Of Years. Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Jews, All Taking Turns Killing Each Other Because God Told Them It Was A Good Idea.

Isn’t Making A Smoking Section In A Restaurant Like Making A Peeing Section In A Swimming Pool?

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

Children Are Not Our Future, And I Can Prove It With My Usual, Flawless Logic. Children Can't Be Our Future, Because By The Time The Future Arrives, They Won't Be Children Anymore, So Blow Me!

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

I Worry About My Judgment When Anything I Believe In Or Do Regularly Begins To Be Accepted By The American Public.

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

Grudges Are A Waste Of Perfect Happiness. Laugh..apologiz E..let Go Of What You Can't Change.

Life Is Too Short

Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

Whereas Your Blackness, Ethnicity, Homosexuality Is Something That Might Be Genetic, I Can't Touch That, And I Have No Right.

Life Is A Zero Sum Game.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

How Do You Write Zero In Roman Numerals?

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe You Can

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

Humor Is Based On Surprise, And Surprise Is A Milder Way Of Saying Shock. It's Surprise That Makes The Joke.

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Are A Few I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was."; "drinking Will Significantly Improve Your Chances Of Murdering A Loved One."; "if You Drink Long Enough, At Some Point You Will Vomit Up The Lining Of Your Stomach."; "use This Product And You May Wake Up In Morocco Wearing A Cowboy Suit And Tongue-kissing A Transmission Salesman."

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

It's Harder To Be Funny From The Position Of Power.

The Only Thing High-definition Television Will Do Is Provide Sharper Images Of The Garbage.

No One Who Has Had "taps" Played For Them Has Ever Been Able To Hear It.

And Now Gay People Want To Get Married... Haven't They Suffered Enough?

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

My Grandfather, Mother And Father Were Gifted Verbally, And My Mother Passed That Along To Me. She Always Made Sure I Was Conscious Of Language And Words.

None Of The Christian Religions Do [interest Me]. They're All Outer-directed.

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

I Find It Discouraging - And A Bit Depressing - When I Notice The Unequal Treatment Afforded By The Media To Ufo Believers On The One Hand, And On The Other, To Those Who Believe In An Invisible Supreme Being Who Inhabits The Sky.

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

Professional Soldiers Are People Who Die For A Living.

Somebody Once Said That Hollywood Is Based On A Lot Of Producers Deliberately Making Bad Movies, And Every Now And Then Somebody Gets Lucky.

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

By The Next One [albom],occupation: Foole, I Was Right Back Into The Trip Again. I'm More Frantic, More Breathless. You Can Hear How Sick I Am. If You Want To See A Cokehead, Just Look At The Pictures On The Occupation: Foole Album.

And Speaking Of Sex, The Immaculate Conception Does Not Mean Jesus Was Conceived In The Absence Of Sex. It Means Mary Was Conceived Without Original Sin. That's All It Has Ever Meant. And According To The Tabloids, Mary Is Apparently The Only One Who Can Make Such A Claim. The Jesus Thing Is Called Virgin Birth.

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

Self-expression Is A Hallmark Of An Artist, Of Art, To Get Something Off One's Chest, To Sing One's Song. So That Element Is Present In All Art. It Is The Key To Even Standing Up And Saying, "hey, Listen To Me." Self-expression Can Be Based On Looking At The World And Making Observations About It.

Where Does The Dentist Go When He Leaves The Room?

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

The First Obligation I Have Is To Be Funny; It's My First Impulse And An Instinct. I Like Being Funny And Finding The Jokes.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

If You're Reading It In A Book, Folks, It Ain't Self-help. It's Help.

All Patriarchal Societies Are Either Preparing For War, At War, Or Recovering From War.

Patriarchal Society

In High School, When I First Heard Of Entropy, I Was Attracted To It Immediately. They Said That In Nature All Systems Are Breaking Down, And I Thought, What A Wonderful Thing; Perhaps I Can Make Some Small Contribution To This Process, Myself.

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

If You Live Long Enough, Sooner Or Later Everybody You Know Has Cancer.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

Christians Worship A Dead Jew On A Stick

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

Picture Your Grandmother In Hell, Baking Pies... Without An Oven.

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

I Use The Word 'fat'. I Use That Word Because That's What People Are: They're Fat. They're Not Bulky; They're Not Large, Chunky, Hefty Or Plump. And They're Not Big-boned. Dinosaurs Were Big-boned. These People Are Not Overweight: This Term Somehow Implies There Is Some Correct Weight... There Is No Correct Weight. Heavy Is Also A Misleading Term. An Aircraft Carrier Is Heavy; It's Not Fat. Only People Are Fat, And That's What Fat People Are! They're Fat !

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

I Don't Have Any Beliefs Or Allegiances. I Don't Believe In This Country, I Don't Believe In Religion, Or A God, And I Don't Believe In All These Man-made Institutional Ideas.

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

In Most Polls There Are Always About 5 Percent Of The People Who 'don't Know.' What Isn't Generally Understood Is That It's The Same People In Every Poll.

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

It's A "keep Your Fingers Crossed" Business, The Entertainment Business.

Fingers Crossed

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

If The Black Box Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff?

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

Anyone Who's Onstage Is Going To Attract A Certain Number Of Misguided People. But I Was Never Very Interested In Groupies.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So? God? Hey, If You Read History, You Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

There Are An Awful Lot Of Things In The Cut Of Street Drugs That Eventually Make You Sick. I Reached A Point Where The Skin Around The Edges Of My Fingernails Used To Hurt All The Time. And It Would Peel Away Easily. Now, That Must Have Been From Some Poison In The Cut.

There's This Man Who Lives In The Sky, And He Has Ten Things He Doesn't Want You To Do, And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them. But He Loves You.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

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Jose Ramos-Horta

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