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I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

-George Carlin

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I Sort Of Gave

George Carlin

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I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

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The Surgeon General Warned Today That Saliva Causes Stomach Cancer. But Apparently Only When Swallowed In Small Amounts Over A Long Period Of Time.

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

If The Reason For Climbing Mt. Everest Is That It's Hard To Do, Why Does Everyone Go Up The Easy Side?

I Don`t Understand A Belief That There Is An Invisible Being In The Sky Who Watches Over Us All The Time And Keeps Score And Who Throws You In A Burning Pit. I Think That's Very Limiting, Very Antihuman. It's The Way They Devised For Helping To Control People Because If They Can Make You Believe In An Invisible Man Who's Going To Hurt You Later, They Can Make You Believe Anything!

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

Whoever Coined The Term "buyer Beware" Was Probably Bleeding From The Asshole.

An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

Life Is Not Measured By The Breaths You Take, But By The Moments That Take Your Breaths Away.

You Live Eighty Years, And At Best You Get About Six Minutes Of Pure Magic.

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

Tits Always Look Better In A Pink Sweater.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

I'm A Believer That Things Happen. Fate Is What Happens.

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?

There Is A Core Of Loneliness. It's Partly Existential. Secondly, I Was Raised A Loner. My Parents Were Not There. My Father Was Asked To Leave Because He Couldn't Metabolize Ethanol. Actually, My Mother Ran Away With Us When I Was 2 Months Old And My Brother Was 5. Real Dramatic Stuff: Down The Fire Escape, Through Backyards. So, I Sort Of Raised Myself. I Was Alone A Lot And I Invented Myself - I Lived Through The Radio And Through My Imagination.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

You Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

The Wisest Man I Ever Knew Taught Me Something I Never Forgot. And Although I Never Forgot It, I Never Quite Memorized It Either. So What I’m Left With Is The Memory Of Having Learned Something Very Wise That I Can’t Quite Remember.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

When I Was Young I Used To Read About The Decline Of Western Civilization, And I Decided It Was Something I Would Like To Make A Contribution To.

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

We [americans] Are Not A Freedom-loving People In The Beautiful, Spiritual Sense. We Have An Inspiring Constitution, But We're A Hardhearted People.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

Without The Laughs, The Audience Wouldn't Be There At All, So In That Sense, Yes, I Am A Comedian.

We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Are A Few I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was."; "drinking Will Significantly Improve Your Chances Of Murdering A Loved One."; "if You Drink Long Enough, At Some Point You Will Vomit Up The Lining Of Your Stomach."; "use This Product And You May Wake Up In Morocco Wearing A Cowboy Suit And Tongue-kissing A Transmission Salesman."

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

It's Never Just A Game When You're Winning.

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Funny Best Friend

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Why Do They Bother With A Suicide Watch When Someone Is On Death Row? "keep An Eye On This Guy. We're Gonna Kill Him, And We Don't Want Him To Hurt Himself."

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

There's Some Invisible Guy, Up In The Sky, Who Can Kill You, Because He Loves You.

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

That's Why They Call It The American Dream, Because You Have To Be Asleep To Believe It.

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer Survival

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

I Don't Get All Choked Up About Yellow Ribbons And American Flags. I See Them As Symbols, And I Leave Them To The Symbol-minded.

People Are Wonderful. I Love Individuals. I Hate Groups Of People. I Hate A Group Of People With A 'common Purpose'. 'cause Pretty Soon They Have Little Hats. And Armbands. And Fight Songs. And A List Of People They're Going To Visit At 3am. So, I Dislike And Despise Groups Of People But I Love Individuals. Every Person You Look At; You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking.

It's All Bullshit, Folks And It's Bad For Ya.

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

Because Brenda [carlin] Had A Drinking Problem Along With The Coke, She Had To Hit Bottom First. Most Alcoholics Do. And For Her, Bottom Was An Automobile Accident That Almost Landed Her In Jail.

I'm Not An Angry Person, Just Very Disappointed And Contemptuous Of My Fellow Humans' Choices - And On Stage Those Feelings Sometimes Are Exaggerated For A Theatric Stage - You're On A Stage You Have An Audience Of 2500 Or 3000 People: You Need To Project The Feelings, The Emotions It's Heightened, And People Mistake It For A Personal Anger But It's More Dissatisfaction, Disappointment And Contempt For These Things We've Settled For.

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

There Is A Certain Amount Of Righteous Indignation I Hold For The American Culture, Because To Get Back To The Real Root Of It, To Get Broader About It, My Opinion That Is My Species - And My Culture In America Specifically - Have Let Me Down And Betrayed Me. I Think This Species Had Great, Great Promise, With This Great Upper Brain That We Have, And I Think We Squandered It On God And Mammon. And I Think This Culture Of Ours Has Such Promise, With The Promise Of Real, True Freedom, And Then Everyone Has Been Shackled By Ownership And Possessions And Acquisition And Status And Power.

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

So I Live In Los Angeles, And It's Kind Of A Goofy Place. They Have An Airport Named After John Wayne. That Ought To Explain It. It Has A Charming Kind Of Superstitious Innocence.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

If People Stand In A Circle Long Enough, They'll Eventually Begin To Dance.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

When You Quit School At An Early Age, I Think You Have A Lifelong Need To Show The World - And Maybe Yourself - That You're Really Smart After All.

They Say That Instead Of Cursing The Darkness, One Should Light A Candle. Nothing Is Mentioned, Though, About Cursing A Lack Of Candles.

I Simply Decided That Dope Wasn't Worth The Ritual.

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

The Safest Place To Be During An Earthquake Would Be In A Stationary Store.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

The Only Thing High-definition Television Will Do Is Provide Sharper Images Of The Garbage.

I'm Kinda Like Herpes, I Just Keep Coming Back.

Hey! Who Stole My Collection Of Used Bandages?! And They Also Got Away With My Nude Pictures Of Ernest Borgnine!

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

If Black Boxes Survive Air Crashes - Why Don't They Make The Whole Plane Out Of That Stuff?

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests.

Isn’t Making A Smoking Section In A Restaurant Like Making A Peeing Section In A Swimming Pool?

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?

Where Do We Get Our Values From?

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

Know My Feelings About Traffic Laws? Cop Didn't See It? I Didn't Do It.

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

I Often Wonder How Different The World Would Be If Hitler Had Not Been Turned Down When He Applied To Art School.

I Like To Write Without Being Stoned. I Like To Have A Hit Or Two And Then Go Punch Up The Writing. I Just See Different Things And Hear Different Things. But It's Nice To Be Working From The Base That I Wrote Originally And Then Come To It With A Little Buzz. I Can Have A Little Wine From Time To Time. I Have A Hit From Time To Time, But Those Are The Only Things I Do.

If God Created Everything, He's Got A Serious Quality Control Problem.

Geologists Claim That Although The World Is Running Out Of Oil, There Is Still A 200-hundred-year Supply Of Brake Fluid.

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

It's Harder To Be Funny From The Position Of Power.

Hooray For Most Things!

This Country Was Founded By A Group Of Slave Owners Who Told Us That All Men Are Created Equal.

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

I'd Go On Runs [on Cocaine ], Four And Five Days Without Sleep. Then I'd Crash And Sleep About 18 Hours A Day For Seven To Ten Days. Then It Would Take A Few More Weeks To Get Over A Vague Sort Of Depression. Then I'd Be Off On Another Run.

I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

I Go To Bed Early; My Favorite Dream Comes On At Nine.

Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Train Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Language Always Gives You Away.

Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

There Are No Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions, And Wooooords.

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

Give A Man A Fish And He Will Eat For A Day. Teach Him How To Fish, And He Will Sit In A Boat And Drink Beer All Day.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

I Thought About How Mothers Feed Their Babies With Tiny Little Spoons And Forks So I Wondered, What Do Chinese Mothers Use? Toothpicks?

If You Dropped Me Off A Space Platform Onto The Ground Where A Line Was Drawn, I Would Fall To The Left Side Of It. I Believe The Difference Between Right And Left Is That The Right, For The Most Part, The Bulk Of Their Philosophy Is Interested In Property, And The Rights Of People To Own Property And Gain And Acquire And Keep Property. And I Think On The Left - Though They Blend And Mix - On The Left Primarily You Will Find People Who Are More Concerned About Humans, And The Human Condition, And What Can Be Done.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

The Things That Matter In This Country Have Been Reduced In Choice, There Are Two Political Parties, There Are A Handful Insurance Companies, There Are Six Or Seven Information Centers.. But If You Want A Bagel There Are 23 Flavors. Because You Have The Illusion Of Choice!

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

They'll Get It All From You Sooner Or Later 'cause They Own This F**kin' Place. It's A Big Club And You Ain't In It. You And I Are Not In The Big Club. By The Way, It's The Same Big Club They Use To Beat You Over The Head With All Day Long When They Tell You What To Believe. All Day Long Beating You Over The Head With Their Media Telling You What To Believe, What To Think And What To Buy. The Table Is Tilted, Folks. The Game Is Rigged And Nobody Seems To Notice. Nobody Seems To Care. Good, Honest, Hard-working People: White Collar, Blue Collar, It Doesn't Matter What Color Shirt You Have On.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

A Crumb Is A Great Thing: If You Break A Crumb In Half, You Don't Get Two Half-crumbs, You Get Two Crumbs. Doesn't That Violate Some Law Of Physics?

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

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