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I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

-George Carlin

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I'm Never Critical Or

George Carlin

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I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

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You Live Eighty Years, And At Best You Get About Six Minutes Of Pure Magic.

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

I Never Eat Sushi. I Have Trouble Eating Things That Are Merely Unconscious.

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loath And Despise The Groups They Identify Or Belong To.

At Best, God Can Be Viewed As Nothing More Than An Uncaring Incompetent Father-figure

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing A Person

I Don't Think Drugs Are A Problem; I Think They're A Symptom. As Long As Americans Are Empty, Spiritually, Emotionally, Morally Empty, They Will Need Things Like The Drugs They Choose To Use. Mankind Has Wanted To Change The Way It Felt From The Beginning Anyway. In This Country There Are Even More Reasons To Want To Feel Different, To Want To Feel Better, Because This Is Such A Neon Sewer. This Is Such A Degrading Culture. It Forces You To Play Beethoven To Your Child In The Uterus So That He Will Get Into A Better School And A Better Job And Make More Money So He Can Take Care Of You.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

Praying Is Begging For An Unseen Deity To Alter The Laws Of Nature For Someone Admittedly Unworthy.

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

Do You Think Sammy Davis Ate Junior Mints?

When He Got Loaded, The Human Cannonball Knew There Were Not Many Men Of His Caliber.

Think Of How Strange We'd Look If All The Cuts, Burns, Scrapes, Bruises, Scratches, Bumps, Gashes, And Scabs We Ever Had Suddenly Reappeared On Our Bodies At The Same Time.

How Old Are You? 'i'm Four And A Half!' You're Never Thirty-six And A Half. You're Four And A Half, Going On Five! That's The Key.

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

We [americans] Are Not A Freedom-loving People In The Beautiful, Spiritual Sense. We Have An Inspiring Constitution, But We're A Hardhearted People.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

Grass [marijuana] Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

George Washington’s Brother, Lawrence, Was The Uncle Of Our Country.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

When You Quit School At An Early Age, I Think You Have A Lifelong Need To Show The World - And Maybe Yourself - That You're Really Smart After All.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

I Don't Own A Camera, So I Travel With A Police Sketch Artist.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

One Great Thing About Getting Old Is That You Can Get Out Of All Sorts Of Social Obligations Just By Saying You're Too Tired.

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

But Wait!!! You Make It To 60. You Didn't Think You Would!

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

The Only Thing High-definition Television Will Do Is Provide Sharper Images Of The Garbage.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

I've Never Been Quarantined. But The More I Look Around The More I Think It Might Not Be A Bad Idea.

By The Age Of Six Or Seven, I Was Already Doing Voices And Faces, Making My Friends And My Mother Laugh.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'i Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

I Recently Went To A New Doctor And Noticed He Was Located In Something Called The Professional Building. I Felt Better Right Away.

Life Is Not Measured By The Breaths You Take, But By The Moments That Take Your Breaths Away.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

The Symphony Orchestra Had Played Poorly, So The Conductor Was In A Bad Mood. That Night He Beat His Wife--because The Music Hadn't Been Beautiful Enough.

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

It's Legal For Men To Be Floorwalkers And Illegal For Women To Be Streetwalkers.

Where Does The Dentist Go When He Leaves The Room?

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

I Go To Bed Early; My Favorite Dream Comes On At Nine.

If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?

The Dividend I Get [from My Compulsion] Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded. You See The Brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - All Over Their Bodies. Pretty Soon You'll Go To A Family And Say, "$100,000 If We Can Tattoo Pepsi On Your Child's Forehead, And We'll Have It Removed When He's Twenty-one. A Hundred Grand."

Catholic School Gave Me The Tools To Reject The Very Religion They Wanted Me To Have. They Taught Me How To Think For Myself And To Be Independent.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

How Come When It’s Us, It’s An Abortion, And When It’s A Chicken, It’s An Omelette?

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

Whoever Coined The Term "buyer Beware" Was Probably Bleeding From The Asshole.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

I Always Knew I Could Hold People's Attention And Make Them Laugh Every 30 Or 40 Seconds, And I Got Approval And Attention For That, So The Behavior Was Reinforced. Later, That Became An Important Skill On The Street Corner.

We're Not Supposed To Mention F***ing In Mixed Company, But That's Exactly Where It Takes Place.

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

The Wisest Man I Ever Knew Taught Me Something I Never Forgot. And Although I Never Forgot It, I Never Quite Memorized It Either. So What I’m Left With Is The Memory Of Having Learned Something Very Wise That I Can’t Quite Remember.

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Funny Best Friend

People Are Dreaming If They Think They Have Rights. They've Never Had Rights. There's No Such Thing.

In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

I’m A High-tech Low-life. A Cutting Edge, State-of-the-art Bi-coastal Multi-tasker And I Can Give You A Gigabyte In A Nanosecond!

If All Our National Holidays Were Observed On Wednesdays, We Could Wind Up With Nine-day Weekends.

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

That Invisible Hand Of Adam Smith Seems To Offer An Extended Middle Finger To An Awful Lot Of People.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

I'm Not A Person Who Thinks They Can Have It All, But I Certainly Feel That With A Bit Of Effort And Guile I Should Be Able To Have More Than My Fair Share.

Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

Futility Of Life

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

Hitler Never Bothered With Restaurant Reservations; He Just Dropped By. And Somehow They Always Found Him A Table.

The Things They Don't Tell You In Schools These Days, Geez. Have A Look At Your Owners. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice; You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

Christians Worship A Dead Jew On A Stick

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

Self-expression Is A Hallmark Of An Artist, Of Art, To Get Something Off One's Chest, To Sing One's Song. So That Element Is Present In All Art. It Is The Key To Even Standing Up And Saying, "hey, Listen To Me." Self-expression Can Be Based On Looking At The World And Making Observations About It.

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

If Lawyers Are Disbarred And Clergymen Defrocked, Doesn't It Follow That Electricians Can Be Delighted, Musicians Denoted?

In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark. Continued Dark Overnight, With Widely Scattered Light By Morning.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

Religion Is A Self-conferred Intellectual Decision; It's Not Something You Get At Birth And Is Unchangeable. You're Collusive With The Religion When You Accept It; You Have A Choice.

The Sicker You Get, The Harder It Is To Remember If You Took Your Medicine.

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

Don’t Just Teach Your Children To Read… Teach Them To Question What They Read. Teach Them To Question Everything.

And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

There Are Three Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count, And Those Who Cannot.

Mathematical Logic

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

And Off We Go, Out Onto The Highway Looking For A Little Fun. Perhaps A Flatbed Truck Loaded With Human Cadavers Will Explode In Front Of A Star Trek Reunion. One Can Only Dream And Hope.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

I'm In Favor Of Personal Growth As Long As It Doesn't Include Malignant Tumors.

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

Picture Your Grandmother In Hell, Baking Pies... Without An Oven.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

They Say That Instead Of Cursing The Darkness, One Should Light A Candle. Nothing Is Mentioned, Though, About Cursing A Lack Of Candles.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

What I Became A Comedian For Was To Get My Art Out. To Get Some Of These Feelings And Things I Had On My Chest Out. I Don't Care If People Believe Them, Listen To Them, Change Their Ways, Or Think, Or Any Of That Kind Of Crap. I'm Interested In Showing Off. I'm The Same Kid From Sixth Grade Who Stood Up And Said "watch This."

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

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Juan Manuel Santos

Antoine Rivarol

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