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But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

-George Carlin

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But When You're In

George Carlin

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But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

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If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Don't Come Back, It Was Never Meant To Be. If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

Abraham Maslow Said That The Fully Realized Person Transcends His Local Group And Identifies With The Species. But The Election Of Ronald Reagan Might've Been The Beginning Of My Giving Up On My Species. Because It Was Absurd. To This Day It Remains Absurd. More Than Absurd, It Was Frightening: It Represented The Rise To Supremacy Of Darkness, The Ascendancy Of Ignorance.

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

There Was About A Two-year Period At The End Of The '60s, When I Realized I Was In The Wrong Place And Entertaining The Wrong People With The Wrong Material And That I Was Not Being True To Myself. I Went Through A Metamorphosis Into Something More Authentic For Me, A More Authentic Stage Voice And Writing Voice.

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

Always Do Whatever's Next.

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

Honesty May Be The Best Policy, But It's Important To Remember That Apparently, By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

I Think Of Shock As Kind Of An Uptown Form Of Surprise. Comedy Is Filled With Surprise, So When I Cross A Line... I Like To Find Out Where The Line Might Be And Then Cross It Deliberately, And Then Make The Audience Happy About Crossing The Line With Me.

Crossing The Line

How Come When It’s Us, It’s An Abortion, And When It’s A Chicken, It’s An Omelette?

I Don't Have Hobbies; Hobbies Cost Money. Interests Are Quite Free.

Art, Music, And Philosophy Are Merely Poignant Examples Of What We Might Have Been Had Not The Priests And Traders Gotten Hold Of Us.

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

It's Legal For Men To Be Floorwalkers And Illegal For Women To Be Streetwalkers.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

Isn’t It A Bit Unnerving That Doctors Call What They Do “practice”?

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

I Had Run Away From Home Three Times. I Had Been Kicked Out Of Three Different Schools Under Different Circumstances. I Was Kicked Out Of Everything That I Didn't Quit. Kicked Out Of Schools. Kicked Out Of Summer Camp, The Boy Scouts, The Altar Boys, The Choir, And Something Else That I Can't Think Of, That I'm Proud Of. Anyway, That Was My Pattern. I Just Began To Invent Myself Early In Life, And Went Out And Did Something About It.

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label. I Feel That If I Was Figuratively Dropped On The Earth And There Was A Political Line, I Would Be Just Left Of Center. The Difference For Me Is That Conservatives Are More Interested In Property Values And Rights And Free Markets, And Liberals Are More Interested In Human Rights. In The End, There Are People Who Don't Fit Into The Marketplace And Are Not Equipped. I Believe The Government Should Step In Where The Free Market Fails.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

In Football The Object Is For The Quarterback, Also Known As The Field General, To Be On Target With His Aerial Assault, Riddling The Defense By Hitting His Receivers With Deadly Accuracy In Spite Of The Blitz, Even If He Has To Use The Shotgun. With Short Bullet Passes And Long Bombs, He Marches His Troops Into Enemy Territory, Balancing This Aerial Assault With A Sustained Ground Attack That Punches Holes In The Forward Wall Of The Enemy's Defensive Line. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

I'm Happy To Tell You There Is Very Little In This World That I Believe In.

The Only Good Thing Ever To Come Out Of Religion Was The Music.

When I Listen To Those Tapes Now, The Real Cocaine Shows; There's Just Nothing Special About Their Content.

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

When You're Born You Get A Ticket To The Freak Show. When You're Born In America, You Get A Front Row Seat.

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

They Say If You Outlaw Guns, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns. Well, Those Are Precisely The People Who Need Them!

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

If God Is All Powerful, Can He Make A Stone So Big That He Himself Can't Lift It?

By The Age Of Six Or Seven, I Was Already Doing Voices And Faces, Making My Friends And My Mother Laugh.

I Worry About My Judgment When Anything I Believe In Or Do Regularly Begins To Be Accepted By The American Public.

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

I'm Not A Person Who Thinks They Can Have It All, But I Certainly Feel That With A Bit Of Effort And Guile I Should Be Able To Have More Than My Fair Share.

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

They Mention That It's A Nonstop Flight. Well, I Must Say I Don't Care For That Sort Of Thing. Call Me Old Fashioned, But I Insist That My Flight Stop. Preferably At An Airport.

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

Everything That You Know About Yourself Comes From Thinking Back, And I Think I Saw Religion As The First Big Betrayal Of Me.

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

One Of The Effects It [cocaine] Had On My Personality - My Moods, My Behaviors - Was That It Inhibited Me A Lot. It Kind Of Took Possibilities Out Of My World, And Made The Focus Of Things Very Narrow.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Support Systems

Someone Said, And Rightfully, That "property Is Theft'." There's No Way A Man Can Stand And Tell Me That He Owns An Apple Tree. I Just Don't Believe You. And So This Pursuit Of Position And Money And Power, They Are All Wrapped Up Into One Package That I Think Is Crippling, Debilitating And Limiting. And Unfortunately, People Get Sucked Into It And Then They've Got You On The Treadmill. You Know: ''you've Got To Have A Good Job'' And "you've Got To Have A Good Education'' - Which Is Another Word For Indoctrination. We're Never Going To Rise Above These Limitations We've Placed On Ourselves.

There Is A Core Of Loneliness. It's Partly Existential. Secondly, I Was Raised A Loner. My Parents Were Not There. My Father Was Asked To Leave Because He Couldn't Metabolize Ethanol. Actually, My Mother Ran Away With Us When I Was 2 Months Old And My Brother Was 5. Real Dramatic Stuff: Down The Fire Escape, Through Backyards. So, I Sort Of Raised Myself. I Was Alone A Lot And I Invented Myself - I Lived Through The Radio And Through My Imagination.

There Will Be A Rain Dance Friday Night, Weather Permitting!

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

This Is A Lttle Prayer Dedicated To The Separation Of Church And State. I Guess If They Are Going To Force Those Kids To Pray In Schools They Might As Well Have A Nice Prayer Like This: Our Father Who Art In Heaven, And To The Republic For Which It Stands, Thy Kingdom Come, One Nation Indivisible As In Heaven, Give Us This Day As We Forgive Those Who So Proudly We Hail. Crown Thy Good Into Temptation But Deliver Us From The Twilight's Last Gleaming. Amen And Awomen.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

What Exactly Is "midair"? Is There Some Other Part Of Air Besides The "mid" Part?

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

And What Can We Do To Silence These Christian Athletes Who Thank Jesus Whenever They Win, Never Mention His Name When They Lose? Not A Word. You Never Hear Them Say "jesus Made Me Drop The Ball." "the Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage." According To These Guys Jesus Is Undefeated, Meanwhile These Assholes Are In Last Place. Must Be Another One Of Those "miracles."

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

No Matter What You Do, No Matter How Hard You Try, You're Screwed Because It's All Fixed And Rigged. There Is A Club And You Ain't In It.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning.

When You Step On The Brakes Your Life Is In Your Foot's Hands.

I Always Wanted And Enjoyed Sex, But I Never Put Much Importance On Scoring Or Having An Athletic Sex Life. I Guess I Define Myself More By My Career And My Commitment To A Relationship Than By My Ability To Have A Lot Of Chicks Or Achieve Ten Orgasms In An Evening.

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

I've Never Been Quarantined. But The More I Look Around The More I Think It Might Not Be A Bad Idea.

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

I Think It Keeps The Child Alive In Me. There's A Thrill When You Steal Something In Plain View Of Other People.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Most Of The Note-taking Happens While I'm Watching Television. It's A Broad Window On The World, And A Lot Of Things Are Already Established In My Mind As Things I Say, Things That I'm Interested In, Things That Are Fodder For My [stand-up] Machine. And When I See Something That Relates To One Of Them, I Know It Instantly And If It's A Further Exaggeration And A Further Addition, Or An Exception - If It Plays Into Furthering My Purpose, I Jot It Down.

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

As It Stands Right Now, I Lead Richard Pryor In Heart Attacks, Two To One. However, Richard Still Leads Me, One To Nothing, In Burning Yourself Up.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

I Was Looking In The Mirror The Other Day And I Realized I Haven't Changed Much Since I Was In My Twenties. The Only Difference Is I Look A Whole Lot Older Now.

I Think It's Important To Break Taboos For The Same Reason It's Important To Break Laws And Rules - Because Either You're A Slave To Them, Or You're Taking Matters Into Your Hands.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

We Kind Of Shape Our Truths As We Speak Them. We Fashion Things To Suit The Occasion Or The Person Or Our Own Needs In The Moment.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

There Are An Awful Lot Of Things In The Cut Of Street Drugs That Eventually Make You Sick. I Reached A Point Where The Skin Around The Edges Of My Fingernails Used To Hurt All The Time. And It Would Peel Away Easily. Now, That Must Have Been From Some Poison In The Cut.

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

When You're Born In This World You're Given A Ticket To The Freak Show. And When You're Born In America, You're Given A Front Row Seat. And Some Of Us Get To Sit There With Notebooks.

Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak The Truth

I'll Bet There Aren't Too Many People Hooked On Crack Who Can Play The Bagpipes.

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

If You Vote And You Elect Dishonest, Incompetent People Into Office Who Screw Everything Up, You Are Responsible For What They Have Done. You Caused The Problem; You Voted Them In; You Have No Right To Complain

I Simply Decided That Dope Wasn't Worth The Ritual.

We Will Never Be An Advanced Civilization As Long As Rain Showers Can Delay The Launching Of A Space Rocket.

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

A Dog Has No Shame. If He Can Do It, You Can Watch.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

I'm Sure Hitler Was Great With His Family.

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

In Some Hotels They Give You A Little Sewing Kit. You Know What I Do? I Sew The Towels Together. One Time I Sewed A Button On A Lampshade. I Like To Leave A Mark.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

I Go To Bed Early; My Favorite Dream Comes On At Nine.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

I Make Fun Of People Who Are Religious, Because They're Fundamentally Weak.

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

I Like My Jokes To Be Built On A Foundation Of Ideas, Or At Least Smart Observations.

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

The Secret Of Success Is Doing Something You Love, Doing It Well And Being Recognized For It

Something You Love

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Why Is The Man Who Invests All Your Money Called A Broker?

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

Because Brenda [carlin] Had A Drinking Problem Along With The Coke, She Had To Hit Bottom First. Most Alcoholics Do. And For Her, Bottom Was An Automobile Accident That Almost Landed Her In Jail.

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