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I Think Of Shock As Kind Of An Uptown Form Of Surprise. Comedy Is Filled With Surprise, So When I Cross A Line... I Like To Find Out Where The Line Might Be And Then Cross It Deliberately, And Then Make The Audience Happy About Crossing The Line With Me.

-George Carlin

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I Think Of Shock

George Carlin

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I Think Of Shock As Kind Of An Uptown Form Of Surprise. Comedy Is Filled With Surprise, So When I Cross A Line... I Like To Find Out Where The Line Might Be And Then Cross It Deliberately, And Then Make The Audience Happy About Crossing The Line With Me.

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Crossing The Line

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Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loath And Despise The Groups They Identify Or Belong To.

In Terms Of Coke, The Only Money I Ever Thought About Was That Dollar Bill I Had Stuck Up My Nose.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

And Although I Broke A Lot Of Laws As A Teenager, I Straightened Out Immediately Upon Turning Eighteen, When I Realized The State Had A Legal Right To Execute Me.

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

If You're Reading It In A Book, Folks, It Ain't Self-help. It's Help.

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

There's An Idea That The Human Body Is Somehow Evil And Bad And There Are Parts Of It That Are Especially Evil And Bad, And We Should Be Ashamed. Fear, Guilt And Shame Are Built Into The Attitude Toward Sex And The Body. It's Reflected In These Prohibitions And These Taboos That We Have.

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

You Can't Fight City Hall, But You Can Goddamn Sure Blow It Up.

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."

It's Difficult Enough For A Young Person To Put His Soul On The Line In Front Of A Lot Of Drunken People Without Having That Hanging Over His Head, Too.

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.

E-i-e-i-o Is Actually A Gross Misspelling Of The Word Farm.

It's The American View That Everything Has To Keep Climbing: Productivity, Profits, Even Comedy.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

I Gravitated Toward Being A Funny Guy. I Liked The Radio Comedians. I Lived In The Golden Age Of Radio, And The Golden Age Of Television Came Along When I Was Still In My Early Teens.

I Was Surprised When I Started Getting Old. I Always Thought It Was One Of Those Things That Would Happen To Someone Else.

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

If You Dropped Me Off A Space Platform Onto The Ground Where A Line Was Drawn, I Would Fall To The Left Side Of It. I Believe The Difference Between Right And Left Is That The Right, For The Most Part, The Bulk Of Their Philosophy Is Interested In Property, And The Rights Of People To Own Property And Gain And Acquire And Keep Property. And I Think On The Left - Though They Blend And Mix - On The Left Primarily You Will Find People Who Are More Concerned About Humans, And The Human Condition, And What Can Be Done.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

If You Have A Legal Problem, Guess How You Determine Whether Or Not You Need A Lawyer. You See A Lawyer. Isn't That Weird?

Did You Ever Look At Your Watch, And You Look Away... And You Don't Know What Time It Is?

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

It's Legal For Men To Be Floorwalkers And Illegal For Women To Be Streetwalkers.

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

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Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

The Following Statement Is True. The Previous Statement Is False.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

Is A Vegetarian Permitted To Eat Animal Crackers?

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. But I'm Not In A League With Lenny [bruce], Certainly Not In Terms Of Social Commentary.

To Me, Smoking Pot Meant Sitting With A Newspaper On My Legs, Rolling The Seeds Down, Pulling The Twigs Out And Finally Producing A Perfectly Cylindrical, Absolutely Wonderful Joint That You Either Locked At Both Ends Or Pinched Off, Or Pinched At One End And Left Open At The Other.

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

I Don't Think Drugs Are A Problem; I Think They're A Symptom. As Long As Americans Are Empty, Spiritually, Emotionally, Morally Empty, They Will Need Things Like The Drugs They Choose To Use. Mankind Has Wanted To Change The Way It Felt From The Beginning Anyway. In This Country There Are Even More Reasons To Want To Feel Different, To Want To Feel Better, Because This Is Such A Neon Sewer. This Is Such A Degrading Culture. It Forces You To Play Beethoven To Your Child In The Uterus So That He Will Get Into A Better School And A Better Job And Make More Money So He Can Take Care Of You.

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

It Ended Suddenly For Brenda, More Slowly For Me. My Runs Began Getting Shorter And Less Pleasurable. I'd Feel Bad After Only One Day, Or Only A Few Hours, Instead Of Four Or Five Days. And I Began To Want To Stop. One Of The Proudest Moments Of My Life Was At A Rock-'n'-roll Theater In New Jersey. A Guy Actually Put Some Coke Under My Nose And I Was Able To Say, "no, Thanks," And Turn My Head Away.

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

No Matter What You Do, No Matter How Hard You Try, You're Screwed Because It's All Fixed And Rigged. There Is A Club And You Ain't In It.

A Flag Is Supposed To Represent Everything That A Country Does. It Doesn't Only Represent The Good Things. If You Burn The Flag, You're Burning The Flag For What You Perceive To Be The Bad Things The Country Has Done. It's Only A Symbol. It's Only A Piece Of Cloth.

Religion Is Like Drugs, It Destroys The Thinking Mind.

Soft Rock Music Isn't Rock, And It Ain't Music. It's Just Soft. Reminds Me Of Something My Third-grade Teacher Said To Us. She Said, "you Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala."

Without The Laughs, The Audience Wouldn't Be There At All, So In That Sense, Yes, I Am A Comedian.

You Ever Notice That? Any Time You See Two Groups Of People Who Really Hate Each Other, Chances Are Good They're Wearing Different Kind Of Hats. Keep An Eye On That, It Might Be Important.

Professional Soldiers Are People Who Die For A Living.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

And Now Gay People Want To Get Married... Haven't They Suffered Enough?

If You You Think There Is A Solution, You're Part Of The Problem.

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

In Most Polls There Are Always About 5 Percent Of The People Who 'don't Know.' What Isn't Generally Understood Is That It's The Same People In Every Poll.

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

I Would Never Want To Be A Member Of A Group Whose Symbol Was A Guy Nailed To Two Pieces Of Wood.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard

Jesus Was A Cross-dresser.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

There Is A Certain Amount Of Righteous Indignation I Hold For The American Culture, Because To Get Back To The Real Root Of It, To Get Broader About It, My Opinion That Is My Species - And My Culture In America Specifically - Have Let Me Down And Betrayed Me. I Think This Species Had Great, Great Promise, With This Great Upper Brain That We Have, And I Think We Squandered It On God And Mammon. And I Think This Culture Of Ours Has Such Promise, With The Promise Of Real, True Freedom, And Then Everyone Has Been Shackled By Ownership And Possessions And Acquisition And Status And Power.

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

The First Obligation I Have Is To Be Funny; It's My First Impulse And An Instinct. I Like Being Funny And Finding The Jokes.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

There's A Reason Education Sucks, And It's The Same Reason It Will Never Ever Ever Be Fixed. It's Never Going To Get Any Better. Don't Look For It. Be Happy With What You've Got, Because The Owners Of This Country Don't Want That. I'm Talking About The Real Owners Now... The Real Owners. The Big Wealthy Business Interests That Control Things And Make All The Important Decisions. Forget The Politicians. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice. You Have Owners.

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

If You Had Chicken At Lunch And Chicken At Dinner, Do You Ever Wonder If The Two Chickens Knew Each Other?

Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

Heart Disease Has Changed My Eating Habits, But I Still Cook Bacon For The Smell.

I Hope We're Not Just Human Garbage Drifting Toward A Big Sewer. But I Think So.

I've Never Been Quarantined. But The More I Look Around The More I Think It Might Not Be A Bad Idea.

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

If Helen Keller Had Psychic Ability, Would You Say She Had A Fourth Sense? What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

Religion Is A Self-conferred Intellectual Decision; It's Not Something You Get At Birth And Is Unchangeable. You're Collusive With The Religion When You Accept It; You Have A Choice.

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

I Am Not A Complete Vegetarian. I Eat Only Animals That Have Died In Their Sleep.

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food Of All, Kumquats.

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

I'm In Favor Of Personal Growth As Long As It Doesn't Include Malignant Tumors.

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

You Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala.

A Person Of Good Intelligence And Of Sensitivity Cannot Exist In This Society Very Long Without Having Some Anger About The Inequality - And It's Not Just A Bleeding-heart, Knee-jerk, Liberal Kind Of A Thing - It Is Just A Normal Human Reaction To A Nonsensical Set Of Values Where We Have Cinnamon Flavored Dental Floss And There Are People Sleeping In The Street.

Eventually, Alas, I Realized The Main Purpose Of Buying Cocaine Is To Run Out Of It.

Most Of The Note-taking Happens While I'm Watching Television. It's A Broad Window On The World, And A Lot Of Things Are Already Established In My Mind As Things I Say, Things That I'm Interested In, Things That Are Fodder For My [stand-up] Machine. And When I See Something That Relates To One Of Them, I Know It Instantly And If It's A Further Exaggeration And A Further Addition, Or An Exception - If It Plays Into Furthering My Purpose, I Jot It Down.

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

Golf Is An Arrogant, Elitist Game That Takes Up Entirely Too Much Space In This Country.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

George Washington’s Brother, Lawrence, Was The Uncle Of Our Country.

I Was Taken To The Hospital For Observation. I Stayed Several Days, Didn't Observe Anything, And I Left.

Baseball Begins In The Spring, The Season Of New Life. Football Begins In The Fall, When Everything's Dying.

I Finally Accepted Jesus. Not As My Personal Savior, But As A Man I Intend To Borrow Money From.

No One Who Has Had "taps" Played For Them Has Ever Been Able To Hear It.

The Class Clown Album Was Done Totally Sober. I'd Realized What A Hell I'd Made For Myself And I Cleaned Up Completely For Three Months. You Can Hear The Clarity Of My Thinking And Of My Speech On That Album.

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

The Person Who Is Most A Part Of Me Is The Performer, Is The Standup, The Guy Who Says, "hey Look At Me, Listen To This!" I Do That Because That's What I Do, I Love Doing It.

This Country Was Founded By A Group Of Slave Owners Who Told Us That All Men Are Created Equal.

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

I'll Bet There Aren't Too Many People Hooked On Crack Who Can Play The Bagpipes.

The Dividend I Get [from My Compulsion] Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

My Mother And Her Plans For My Future. She Had It All Worked Out. I Would Attend A Nice College, Then Get A Job In Advertising. "you'll Be One Of Those Smart-looking Fellows In Their Madison Avenue Suits." And I Rebelled Against [my Mother] And Her Values And Her Plans For My Future At Every Opportunity.

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

I’m A High-tech Low-life. A Cutting Edge, State-of-the-art Bi-coastal Multi-tasker And I Can Give You A Gigabyte In A Nanosecond!

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

So I Do Have This Ambivalence. Obviously I'm Against Militaries, Because Of What Militaries Do. In Many Ways Though, The Air Force Was Unmilitary-like. They Dropped Bombs On People, But...they Had A Golf Course.

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

I'm Not A Person Who Thinks They Can Have It All, But I Certainly Feel That With A Bit Of Effort And Guile I Should Be Able To Have More Than My Fair Share.

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

The Enjoyment Has Been Diminishing. Now, There's No Question That It's Sort Of Fun To Get High.

You Get Into Your Teens, Now They Can't Hold You Back. You Jump To The Next Number, Or Even A Few Ahead.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

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