The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

-George Carlin

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The Muslims Observe Their

George Carlin

The Muslims Observe Their Sabbath On Friday, The Jews Observe On Saturday, And The Christians On Sunday. By The Time Monday Rolls Around God Is Completely F***in' Worn Out.

Topic

Friday

Christian

Monday

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Writing

People

We've Learned How To Make A Living, But Not A Life. We've Added Years To Life, Not Life To Years.

Years

Paradox

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

People

Fake

Democracy

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

Small Steps

Usual

Sociopath

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

Brother

Pain

Pleasure

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

Hotel Lobby

Drug

Together

The Christians Gave Him Sunday, The Jews Gave Him Saturday, And The Muslims Gave Him Friday. God Has A Three-day Weekend.

Funny

Christian

Sarcastic

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

Gas Stations

Locks

Bathroom

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Thinking

Two

Support Systems

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

Strong

New York

Marijuana

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

Heart

Coke

Causes

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

No One Has To Come See My Shows Who Doesn't Like Me Talking About White Christians. They Are Free Not Buy A Ticket. They're Free To Leave At Any Time. So I'm Not Imposing Anything On Anyone. Therefore I Feel Free To Cross The Line.

Christian

Talking

White

To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

Independent

Mind

Needs

What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

Wings

Walks

I Was A Hip Kid. When I Saw Bambi It Was The Midnight Show.

Kids

Midnight

Saws

What Exactly Is "midair"? Is There Some Other Part Of Air Besides The "mid" Part?

Air

Exactly Is

One Of The Effects It [cocaine] Had On My Personality - My Moods, My Behaviors - Was That It Inhibited Me A Lot. It Kind Of Took Possibilities Out Of My World, And Made The Focus Of Things Very Narrow.

Focus

Personality

World

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

Funny

Halloween

Night

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

Art

Writing

People

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

People Are Dreaming If They Think They Have Rights. They've Never Had Rights. There's No Such Thing.

Dream

Thinking

Rights

Every Time You Use The Phrase All My Life It Has A Different Meaning.

Life

Different

Phrases

Abraham Maslow Said That The Fully Realized Person Transcends His Local Group And Identifies With The Species. But The Election Of Ronald Reagan Might've Been The Beginning Of My Giving Up On My Species. Because It Was Absurd. To This Day It Remains Absurd. More Than Absurd, It Was Frightening: It Represented The Rise To Supremacy Of Darkness, The Ascendancy Of Ignorance.

Giving Up

Ignorance

Darkness

The Symphony Orchestra Had Played Poorly, So The Conductor Was In A Bad Mood. That Night He Beat His Wife--because The Music Hadn't Been Beautiful Enough.

Beautiful

Night

Symphony

So I Live In Los Angeles, And It's Kind Of A Goofy Place. They Have An Airport Named After John Wayne. That Ought To Explain It. It Has A Charming Kind Of Superstitious Innocence.

Airports

Innocence

Goofy

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

Funny

Thinking

People

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Rome

Special

Coliseum

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

Funny

Golf

Punishment

Do You Remember Barbara Bush? I Call Her The Silver Douchebag.

Douchebags

Remember

Silver

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

Inspirational

Funny

Mean Girls

To Me, Smoking Pot Meant Sitting With A Newspaper On My Legs, Rolling The Seeds Down, Pulling The Twigs Out And Finally Producing A Perfectly Cylindrical, Absolutely Wonderful Joint That You Either Locked At Both Ends Or Pinched Off, Or Pinched At One End And Left Open At The Other.

Smoking

Rolling

Sitting

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

Age

Pay

Hell

Things I Wonder About The Fbi's List Of The "ten Most Wanted" Criminals: When They Catch A Guy And He Comes Off The List, Does Number Eleven Automatically Move Up? And Does He See It As A Promotion? Does He Call His Criminal Friends And Say, "i Made It, Bruno. I'm Finally On The List"?

Funny

Moving

Humor

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

Fun

Thinking

People

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

School

Hygiene

Jersey

There Will Be A Rain Dance Friday Night, Weather Permitting!

Funny

Friday

Clever

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

Mother

School

Kids

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

Hurt

Giving Up

Drinking

We Talk Too Much, Love Too Seldom, And Hate Too Often.

Hate

Communication

Too Much

If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

Stupid

People

Uniforms

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

Science

Thinking

Telescopes

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

Humorous

Terrorist

Murderer

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

Funny

Life

Motivational

Soft Rock Music Isn’t Rock, And It Ain’t Music. It’s Just Soft.

Funny

Humor

Rocks

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage.

Book

Writing

Departure

It Was Just A Compulsion. In Fact, I Soon Realized That The Only Thing I Really Enjoyed Was The Actual Snorting.

Facts

Compulsion

Enjoyed

Intelligence Tests Are Biased Toward The Literate.

Funny

Humor

Tests

Whenever You See The Word Cuisine Used Instead Of The Word Food, Be Prepared To Pay An Additional Eighty Percent.

Pay

Cuisine

Used

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

Emotional

Thinking

America

Everything Beeps Now.

Technology

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

Dog

Life Is

Series

I Worry About My Judgment When Anything I Believe In Or Do Regularly Begins To Be Accepted By The American Public.

Believe

Worry

Comedian

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

Thinking

Rights

People

Instead Of Thinking About The Sex, I'd Always Think About The Clap And The Crabs Those People Have.

Sex

Thinking

People

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

School

Kids

Thinking

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

Positivity

Ideas

Laughing

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

Drug

Too Much

Coke

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

Self

Drug

Going For It

What Occurs As You Age Is An Accumulation Of Information, Data, Knowledge, And What I'm Going To Call The Matrix Of The Mind. There's Just A Rich, Textured, Field Of Information And Impressions That Have Been All Networked By The Brain.

Data

Brain

Mind

Standing Ovations Have Become Far Too Commonplace. What We Need Are Ovations Where The Audience Members All Punch And Kick One Another.

Needs

Ovation

Corny

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

The Safest Place To Be During An Earthquake Would Be In A Stationary Store.

Earthquakes

Would Be

Stores

Religion Is Like A Pair Of Shoes.....find One That Fits For You, But Don't Make Me Wear Your Shoes.

Inspirational

Funny

Life

Have You Ever Started A Path? No One Seems Willing To Do This. We Don't Mind Using Existing Paths, But We Rarely Start New Ones. Do It Today. Start A Path. Even If It Doesn't Lead Anywhere

Mind

Today

Path

Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

Futility Of Life

Dust

Trying

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Numbers

Records

Alive

I Recently Bought A Book Of Free Verse. For Twelve Dollars.

Humorous

Book

Twelve

The Status Quo Sucks.

Funny

Life

Humor

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

Sports

Jesus

Stupid

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.

Nature

Philosophy

Stupid

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Children

Taught

Should

The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

Distance

Two

Lines

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

Independent

Identity

Adolescence

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.

Running

Smart

Thinking

There Was About A Two-year Period At The End Of The '60s, When I Realized I Was In The Wrong Place And Entertaining The Wrong People With The Wrong Material And That I Was Not Being True To Myself. I Went Through A Metamorphosis Into Something More Authentic For Me, A More Authentic Stage Voice And Writing Voice.

Writing

Years

Two

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

Inspirational

Life

Synonym

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

Thinking

Trying

Barbarism

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

Men

Answers

Lasts

Y'ever Notice How You Never Seem To Get Laid On Thanksgiving? I Think It's Because All The Coats Are On The Bed.

Thinking

Bed

Coats

The Violence Of The Left Is Symbolic, The Injuries Are Not Intended. The Violence Of The Right Is Real - Directed At People, Designed To Cause Injuries. Vietnam, Nuclear Weapons, Police Out Of Control Are Intentional Forms Of Violence. The Violence From The Right Is Aimed Directly At People And The Violence From The Left Is Aimed At Institutions And Symbols.

Real

People

Police

When I First Heard The Song Don't Worry - Be Happy I Realized It Was Exactly The Kind Of Mindless Philosophy That Americans Would Respond To. It Would Make A Great National Anthem Along With Me First.

Song

Philosophy

Worry

God Bless The Homicidal Maniacs. They Make Life Worthwhile.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Mother

Milk

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Hurt

Clever

Kids

It Ended Suddenly For Brenda, More Slowly For Me. My Runs Began Getting Shorter And Less Pleasurable. I'd Feel Bad After Only One Day, Or Only A Few Hours, Instead Of Four Or Five Days. And I Began To Want To Stop. One Of The Proudest Moments Of My Life Was At A Rock-'n'-roll Theater In New Jersey. A Guy Actually Put Some Coke Under My Nose And I Was Able To Say, "no, Thanks," And Turn My Head Away.

Running

Rocks

Guy

As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

Stupid

Humorous

Hero

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

Song

Humorous

Eye

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Struggle

Laughing

Lips

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

Sweet

Lying

Innocent

Trying To Be Happy By Accumulating Possessions Is Like Trying To Satisfy Hunger By Taping Sandwiches All Over Your Body

Happiness

Fun

Over You

In Tv Today, You Can Say I Pricked My Finger, But You Can't Say It The Other Way Around.

Funny

Humorous

Today

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

Fun

Sound

Milk

How Come When It's Us, It's An Abortion, And When It's A Chicken, It's An Omelette? Are We So Much Better Than Chickens All Of A Sudden? When Did This Happen; That We Passed Chickens In Goodness? Name Six Ways We're Better Than Chickens. See, Nobody Can Do It! You Know Why? 'cause Chickens Are Decent People.

Names

People

Abortion

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

Atheist

Bullshit

Clergymen

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak

Speak The Truth

Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

Airplane

Color

Three

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

Nice

Moving

Mean

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

Heart

Recovery

Years

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

Numbers

Forget

Heroin

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

Funny

Father

Humor

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

Mother

Running

Losing Control

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

Political

Beef

Needs

A Person Of Good Intelligence And Of Sensitivity Cannot Exist In This Society Very Long Without Having Some Anger About The Inequality - And It's Not Just A Bleeding-heart, Knee-jerk, Liberal Kind Of A Thing - It Is Just A Normal Human Reaction To A Nonsensical Set Of Values Where We Have Cinnamon Flavored Dental Floss And There Are People Sleeping In The Street.

Heart

Sleep

Dental Floss

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Wings

Issues

Together

Religion Is The Worst Thing That Ever Happened To Mankind - The Ironic Part Is That It's Presented As A Good Thing, And Its Effect Is Absolutely Catastrophic To Individuals And To Societies.

Ironic

Individual

Good Things

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

People

Essentials

Phrases

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

Funny

Life

Smile

Hooray For Most Things!

Stupid

Stupid People

People

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

Pain

Moving

Hangover

Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.

Glasses

People

Optimism

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

Funny

Taken

Humor

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

Loss

Weight Loss

Weight

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

Interesting

Relaxation

Wish

I'm Not A Person Who Thinks They Can Have It All, But I Certainly Feel That With A Bit Of Effort And Guile I Should Be Able To Have More Than My Fair Share.

Thinking

Effort

Able

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

Humorous

Thinking

Hitting

Sometimes, After I'd Gone At The Coke Like One Of Those Snow Plows Moving Up First Avenue, I'd Think My Heart Was Over On The Dresser, Pounding, And I Was Watching It. I Asked Some Of The Doctors Who Drifted Through The Intensive-care Unit What Kind Of Effect Total Cocaine Abuse Has On The Heart And They Said Things Like, "well, There's Not Enough Valid Information...." That Kind Of Answer.

Moving

Heart

Thinking

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

Mean

Thinking

Civilization

If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

Atheism

Best God

Diseased

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

Suicide

Commit

Ifs

There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

Couple

Mind

Littles

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

Use

Sometimes

My Own

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

Funny

Money

Work

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer

Survival

Cancer Survival

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

Smile

Rain

Keep Smiling

Every Time You're Exposed To Advertising In America You're Reminded That This Country's Most Profitable Business Is Still The Manufacture, Packaging, Distribution, And Marketing Of Bullshit. High-quality, Grade-a, Prime-cut, Pure American Bullshit.

Country

Cutting

America

It's Way Beyond Ironic That A Place Called The Holy Land Is The Location Of The Fiercest, Most Deeply Felt Hatred In The World. And It Makes For Wonderful Theater.

Land

Hatred

Ironic

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

Use

Cocaine

Stealth

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

Humorous

Disease

Impossible

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Full. Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Empty. I Think Of The Glass As Too Big.

Inspirational

Humor

Thinking

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

Humorous

Challenges

Sides

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

Truth

Stupid People

Tools

If The Shoe Fits, Buy Another One Just Like It.

Shoes

Fit

If The Shoe Fits

I Simply Decided That Dope Wasn't Worth The Ritual.

Dope

Ritual

Decided

I Don't Understand Why Prostitution Is Illegal, Selling Is Legal, F***ing Is Legal. So Why Isn't It Legal To Sell F***ing? Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Legal To Give Away?

Humorous

Giving

Selling

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

Mother

Thinking

Careers

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

Morning

Doctors

World

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Anniversary

Firsts

Succeed

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

Numbers

Records

Alive

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Jesus

Nice

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

Sleep

People

Gone

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

People

Water

Monsters

Weather Forecast For Tonight: Dark.

Sarcastic

Laughter

Smart

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

Dark

Light

No One Knows What's Next, But Everybody Does It.

Funny

Witty

Stupid

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

Florida

Age

Temperature

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Family

Children

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

Funny

Humor

Stupid People

It's The Old American Double Standard, Ya Know: Say One Thing, Do Somethin' Different. And Of Course This Country Is Founded On The Double Standard. That's Our History. We Were Founded On A Very Basic Double Standard: This Country Was Founded By Slave Owners Who Wanted To Be Free.

Country

Philosophy

Slave Owners

I Loved The Angiogram. They Stick A Thing In Your Thigh And It Goes All The Way Up To Your Heart. Isn't That A Thrill? Well, At Least The Nurse Scored Thigh.

Heart

Nurse

Thrill

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

Book

Writing

Eight

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

Mistake

Phones

Mail

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

Funny

Humor

Stupid People

Here's All You Have To Know About Men And Women: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid. And The Main Reason Women Are Crazy Is That Men Are Stupid.

Funny

Wedding

Truth

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

Children

Thinking

Law

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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