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There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

-George Carlin

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There Are Some People

George Carlin

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There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

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If All Our National Holidays Were Observed On Wednesdays, We Could Wind Up With Nine-day Weekends.

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If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

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I'll Tell You A Little Secret About The Blues: It's Not Enough To Know Which Notes To Play, You Have To Know Why They Need To Be Played.

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Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

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I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

The Writing Is What Gives Me The Joy, Especially Editing Myself For The Page, And Getting Something Ready To Show To The Editors, And Then To Have A First Draft And Get It Back And Work To Fix It, I Love Reworking, I Love Editing, Love Love Love Revision, Revision, Revision, Revision.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

Everyone Should Try To Scratch Their Name On The Bomb Of Life.

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

Sudden Total Weight Loss.

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

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Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

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How Can He Be Perfect? Everything He Ever Makes...dies.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

You Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

All Music Is The Blues. All Of It.

There's Some Invisible Guy, Up In The Sky, Who Can Kill You, Because He Loves You.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

Comedy, Although It Is Not One Of The Fine Arts - It's A Vulgar Art, It's One Of The People's Arts, It's The Spoken Word, The Writing That Goes Into It Is An Art Form - It's Certainly Artistry.

If You Have A Legal Problem, Guess How You Determine Whether Or Not You Need A Lawyer. You See A Lawyer. Isn't That Weird?

Some People Try To Get Out Of Jury Duty By Lying. You Don't Have To Lie. Tell The Judge The Truth. Tell Him You'd Make A Terrific Juror Because You Can Spot Guilty People.

What Year Did Jesus Think It Was?

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Finding Yourself

Capitalism Tries For A Delicate Balance: It Attempts To Work Things Out So That Everyone Gets Just Enough Stuff To Keep Them From Getting Violent And Trying To Take Other People’s Stuff.

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

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It's All Bullshit, Folks And It's Bad For Ya.

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Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. But I'm Not In A League With Lenny [bruce], Certainly Not In Terms Of Social Commentary.

Singing Is Basically A Form Of Pleasant, Controlled Screaming.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

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You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

Always Do Whatever's Next.

I Don`t Understand A Belief That There Is An Invisible Being In The Sky Who Watches Over Us All The Time And Keeps Score And Who Throws You In A Burning Pit. I Think That's Very Limiting, Very Antihuman. It's The Way They Devised For Helping To Control People Because If They Can Make You Believe In An Invisible Man Who's Going To Hurt You Later, They Can Make You Believe Anything!

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

I Never Take Credit For Anything, Because It's Mostly Genetic To My Way Of Thinking. Even The Need To Work Hard With Some Genetic Talent You're Given - The Need To Go Out And Develop It, And Push Hard To Bring It To People.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

You Know What I Like About The American Form Of Government? They've Worked Things Out So That You're Never Far From A 7-eleven.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

We Have Multiplied Our Possessions, But Reduced Our Values.

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

In Football The Object Is To March Into Enemy Territory And Cross His Goal. In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home.

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

A Crazy Person Doesn't Really Lose His Mind. It Just Becomes Something More Entertaining.

Baseball Begins In The Spring, The Season Of New Life. Football Begins In The Fall, When Everything's Dying.

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

As You Swim The River Of Live, Do The Breast Stroke. It Helps To Clear The Turds From Your Path.

The Word Bipartisan Usually Means Some Larger-than-usual Deception Is Being Carried Out.

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

Sex Always Has Consequences. When Hitler's Mother Spread Her Legs That Night, She Effectively Canceled Out The Spreading Of Fifteen To Twenty Million Other Pairs Of Legs.

They Say If You Outlaw Guns, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns. Well, Those Are Precisely The People Who Need Them!

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

I Was Kind Of Sweet Kid, According My Mother, And My Recollections. Thoughtful And Good, But Kind Of Alone - Although I Didn't Interpret It That Way, As Such. Children Never Interpret These Things. They Think They Understand Logically.

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I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

I'm In Shape. Round Is A Shape.

I Hope We're Not Just Human Garbage Drifting Toward A Big Sewer. But I Think So.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

There Is Nothing Wrong With The Planet. The Planet Is Fine ... Been Here 4 1/2 Billion Years. We've Been Here, What, A 100,000 Years, Maybe 200,000. And We've Only Been Engaged In Heavy Industry A Little Over 200 Years. 200 Years Versus 4 1/2 Billion. And We Have The Conceit To Think That Somehow We're A Threat? The Planet Isn't Going Away. We Are.

Do You Know The Nicest Thing About Looking At Pictures Of A 1950's Baseball Park? The Only People Wearing Baseball Caps Are The Players.

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

Here's All You Have To Know About Men And Women: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid. And The Main Reason Women Are Crazy Is That Men Are Stupid.

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

If A Word Is Misspelled In The Dictionary, How Would We Ever Know? If Webster Wrote The First Dictionary, Where Did He Find The Words? Why Is 'phonics' Not Spelled The Way It Sounds? How Come Abbreviated Is Such A Long Word?

I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.

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Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

Thall Shall Keep Thy Religion To Thy Selves.

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

It's A "keep Your Fingers Crossed" Business, The Entertainment Business.

Fingers Crossed

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

Engineers At General Motors Have Developed A Revolutionary New Engine Whose Only Function Is To Lubricate Itself.

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

I Did Lsd And Peyote In The Late Sixties, Before I Got Into Cocaine. That Was Concurrent With My Change From A Straight Comic To The Album And Counterculture Period, And Those Drugs Served Their Purpose. They Helped Open Me Up.

I Go To Bed Early; My Favorite Dream Comes On At Nine.

Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

One Of The First Things They Teach You In Driver's Ed Is Where To Put Your Hands On The Steering Wheel. They Tell You Put 'em At Ten O'clock And Two O' Clock. Never Mind That . I Put Mine At 9:45 And 2:17. Gives Me An Extra Half Hour To Get Where I'm Goin'.

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

In America, Anyone Can Become President. That's The Problem.

I Suspect There Really Was More To My Accident Than Bad Luck. I Think It Was God's Way Of Punishing My Nose.

The Seven Dwarfs Were Each On Different Little Trips. Happy Was Into Grass And Grass Alone. Happy, That's All He Did. Sleepy Was Into Reds. Grumpy, Too Much Speed. Sneezy Was A Full Blown Coke Freak. Doc Was A Connection. Dopey Was Into Everything. Any Old Orifice Will Do For Dopey. He's Always Got His Arm Out And His Leg Up. And Then, The One We Always Forget, Because He Was Bashful. Bashful Didn't Use Drugs. He Was Paranoid On His Own. Didn't Need Any Help On That Ladder.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

The Mayfly Lives Only One Day. And Sometimes It Rains.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

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If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

The Baby Boomers: Whiny, Narcissistic, Self-indulgent People With A Simple Philosophy: "gimme That! It's Mine!"

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I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

By The Next One [albom],occupation: Foole, I Was Right Back Into The Trip Again. I'm More Frantic, More Breathless. You Can Hear How Sick I Am. If You Want To See A Cokehead, Just Look At The Pictures On The Occupation: Foole Album.

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

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