I Am A Personal Optimist But A Skeptic About All Else. What May Sound To Some Like Anger Is Really Nothing More Than Sympathetic Contempt. I View My Species With A Combination Of Wonder And Pity, And I Root For Its Destruction. And Please Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism; The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

-George Carlin

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I Am A Personal

George Carlin

Topic

Real

Views

Roots

More From George Carlin

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

Solitude

Comedian

Hanging Out

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

People Say, 'i'm Going To Sleep Now,' As If It Were Nothing. But It's Really A Bizarre Activity. 'for The Next Several Hours, While The Sun Is Gone, I'm Going To Become Unconscious, Temporarily Losing Command Over Everything I Know And Understand. When The Sun Returns, I Will Resume My Life.

Sleep

People

Gone

Whenever You See The Word Cuisine Used Instead Of The Word Food, Be Prepared To Pay An Additional Eighty Percent.

Pay

Cuisine

Used

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

Holiday

Law

Boring

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

School

Kids

Writing

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

Ideas

Giving

Choices

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Religion

Earth

States

If The #2 Pencil Is The Most Popular, Why Is It Still #2?

Stills

Pencils

Ifs

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

Thinking

Landscape

Language

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

School

Needs

Study

Some People See Things That Are And Ask, Why? Some People Dream Of Things That Never Were And Ask, Why Not? Some People Have To Go To Work And Don't Have Time For All That.

Funny

Dream

Time

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

Funny

Humor

Machines

The Larger The Group, The More Toxic, The More Of Your Beauty As An Individual You Have To Surrender For The Sake Of Group Thought. And When You Suspend Your Individual Beauty You Also Give Up A Lot Of Your Humanity. You Will Do Things In The Name Of A Group That You Would Never Do On Your Own. Injuring, Hurting, Killing, Drinking Are All Part Of It, Because You've Lost Your Identity, Because You Now Owe Your Allegiance To This Thing That's Bigger Than You Are And That Controls You.

Hurt

Giving Up

Drinking

We Will Never Be An Advanced Civilization As Long As Rain Showers Can Delay The Launching Of A Space Rocket.

Rain

Civilization

Space

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

Past

Recent Past

Left

I Never Eat Sushi. I Have Trouble Eating Things That Are Merely Unconscious.

Food

Cooking

Sushi

Do You Remember Barbara Bush? I Call Her The Silver Douchebag.

Douchebags

Remember

Silver

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

Team

Circles

Names

If 4 Out Of 5 People Suffer From Diarrhea…does That Mean That 1 Enjoys It?

Funny

Humor

Mean

Is A Vegetarian Permitted To Eat Animal Crackers?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

Funny

Change

Money

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

Focus

Groups

Focus Groups

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

Funny

Humor

Thinking

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

Light

Shoes

Tennis

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

Children

Thinking

Law

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

Fun

Thinking

People

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

Humorous

Worry

Hell

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

Rain

Giving

Wetlands

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Love

Funny

Cute Relationship

Life Is A Series Of Dogs.

Dog

Life Is

Series

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

Morning

Mean

Eight

My Father And Mother Separated When I Was Two Months Old.

Mother

Father

Two

Every Time You're Exposed To Advertising In America You're Reminded That This Country's Most Profitable Business Is Still The Manufacture, Packaging, Distribution, And Marketing Of Bullshit. High-quality, Grade-a, Prime-cut, Pure American Bullshit.

They'll Get It All From You Sooner Or Later 'cause They Own This F**kin' Place. It's A Big Club And You Ain't In It. You And I Are Not In The Big Club. By The Way, It's The Same Big Club They Use To Beat You Over The Head With All Day Long When They Tell You What To Believe. All Day Long Beating You Over The Head With Their Media Telling You What To Believe, What To Think And What To Buy. The Table Is Tilted, Folks. The Game Is Rigged And Nobody Seems To Notice. Nobody Seems To Care. Good, Honest, Hard-working People: White Collar, Blue Collar, It Doesn't Matter What Color Shirt You Have On.

Believe

Hard Work

Thinking

The Best Thing About Living At The Water's Edge: You Only Have Assholes On Three Sides Of You, And If They Come This Way You Can Hear Them Splash.

Stupid

People

Water

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

Games

Play

Religion

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

Country

Sorry

Philosophy

A Lot Of The People Who Keep A Gun At Home For Safety Are The Same Ones Who Refuse To Wear A Seat Belt

Home

Gun

Safety

'i Am' Is Reportedly The Shortest Sentence In The English Language. Could It Be That 'i Do' Is The Longest Sentence?

Funny

Marriage

Sarcastic

I Think Self-expression Is Present At All Times, And Whether Or Not You're Talking About The Outside World Or Your Responses To It Depends On The Moment And The Subject.

Thinking

Self

Expression

But Wait!!! You Make It To 60. You Didn't Think You Would!

Thinking

Waiting

Aging

When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

Nike

Philosophy

War

There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

People

Groups

Use

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

Rain

Sheep

Shrinks

It's Difficult Enough For A Young Person To Put His Soul On The Line In Front Of A Lot Of Drunken People Without Having That Hanging Over His Head, Too.

People

Soul

Lines

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded.

America

Usual

Buying

That's Basically What The Drive Is: "i Want To Be Famous, I Want To Be Noticed, And I Want To Be Approved Of." That's Basically What You're After. "give Me Attention, Give Me Applause, Give Me An Audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's All You're Looking For.

Giving

Attention

Want

I Don't Care Much About The Outcome. I'd Like For People To Feel Better And Have Better Lives, But I Don't Think That's In The Cards Through Political Action. I Think Bloodshed Is Still The Way You Get Dramatic Change. That'll Never Happen Because They've Got All The Guns Now. At Least They've Got The Nice Guns, The Big Ones, The Ones With Night Vision.

Nice

Feel Better

Gun

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

Play

Gold Teeth

People

Instead Of Thinking About The Sex, I'd Always Think About The Clap And The Crabs Those People Have.

Sex

Thinking

People

It Is Impossible For An Abortion Clinic To Have A Waiting List Of More Than Nine Months.

Abortion

Waiting

Nine

People Always Tell Me "have A Nice Day." Well What If I Don't Want To? What If I Want To Have A Crappy Day?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Grass [marijuana] Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Hurt

Clever

Kids

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

Positivity

Ideas

Laughing

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

Anniversary

Firsts

Succeed

Broadway Isn't A Very Big Career Move. There's No Money In It And It Doesn't Mean Anything To Your Career. It's Just A Nice Little Jewel In The Crown.

Nice

Moving

Mean

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

Humorous

Realizing

Incidents

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

Song

Humorous

Eye

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

Funny

Witty

Peace

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Jesus

Nice

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Funny

Disappointment

Humor

Before They Give You A Lethal Injection, They Swab Your Arm With Alcohol. It's True. Well, They Don't Want You To Get An Infection, And You Can See Their Point. They Don't Want Some Guy Go To Hell And Be Sick.

Giving

Sick

Guy

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

Standards

Fine

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

Funny

Humor

Pigs

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

Selfish

Leader

Ignorant

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

Nice

Persons

Ifs

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

Memories

Healing

People

People Get All Upset About Torture, But When You Get Right Down To It, It's Really A Pretty Good Way Of Finding Out Something A Person Doesn't Want You To Know.

People

Upset

Want

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

Art

Jobs

Lying

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

Marijuana

Use

Tapering

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

School

Thinking

Land

You Know The Good Part About All Those Executions In Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny

Texas

Execution

Language Is The Most Elementary Aspect To Our Humanness, Probably. In Addition To That, It's The Embodiment, It's The Apotheosis Of The Human Experience, It's The Way We Summarize Ourselves.

Embodiment

Way

Apotheosis

No One Knows What's Next, But Everybody Does It.

Funny

Witty

Stupid

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

Garbage Cans

Guy

Body

If The Reason For Climbing Mt. Everest Is That It's Hard To Do, Why Does Everyone Go Up The Easy Side?

Humorous

Climbing

Doe

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

Media

Different

Politician

Lenny Bruce Genius Was The Unique Ability To Investigate Hypocrisy And Expose Social Inequities In A Street Rap That Was Really A Form Of Poetry.

Rap

Unique

Hypocrisy

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'

Intelligent

Hair

Blue

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

Interesting

Ears

Language

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

Pain

Moving

Hangover

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

Inspirational

Life

Synonym

I Have A Suggestion That I Think Would Help Fight Serious Crime. Signs. There Are Lots Of Signs For Minor Infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off The Grass, Keep Out, And They Seem To Work Fairly Well. I Think We Should Also Have Signs For Major Crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank You For Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's Certainly Worth A Try. I'm Convinced Watergate Would Never Have Happened If There Had Just Been A Sign In The Oval Office That Said, Malfeasance Of Office Is Strictly Against The Law, Or Thank You For Not Undermining The Constitution.

Humor

Fighting

Thinking

Tell People An Invisible Man In The Sky Created All Things, They Believe You. Tell Them What You've Painted Is Wet, They Have To Touch It To Believe.

Believe

Men

Sky

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Believe

Home

Gun

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

People

Interesting

Trying

So I Say, “live And Let Live.” That’s My Motto. “live And Let Live.” And Anyone Who Can’t Go Along With That, Take Him Outside And Shoot The Motherfucker. It’s A Simple Philosophy, But It’s Always Worked In Our Family.

Philosophy

Simple

Motto

Do You Realize That The Only Time In Our Lives When We Like To Get Old Is When We're Kids? If You're Less Than 10 Years Old, You're So Excited About Aging That You Think In Fractions.

Kids

Thinking

Years

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

Looks

Comedy

Areas

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

Lost

Traders

Priests

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

Inspirational

Funny

Truth

Why Don't They Have Waiters In Waiting Rooms?

Funny

Humor

Waiting Rooms

How Do You Write Zero In Roman Numerals?

Zero

Writing

Roman Numerals

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

School

Hygiene

Jersey

I Hope We're Not Just Human Garbage Drifting Toward A Big Sewer. But I Think So.

Humorous

Thinking

Garbage

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

People

Water

Monsters

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

Men

Answers

Lasts

Without The Laughs, The Audience Wouldn't Be There At All, So In That Sense, Yes, I Am A Comedian.

Laughing

Comedian

Audience

If You Love Someone Set Them Free. If They Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

Sarcastic

Sarcasm

Fire

So I Want To Thank The Pentagon, The Soviet Union And The Military-industrial Complex From The Bottom Of My Heart. Without Them, I Could Never Have Become The Man I Am Today.

Military

Heart

Men

If There Were Only One Cherry Pie In The World, And Bill Clinton Owned It, I Might Get A Piece Of It. If Bush Or Reagan Owned It, You'd Have To Kill Them To Get A Piece Of Pie. That's My Feeling About Bill. And Bill's A Good Bullshitter. America Likes A Good Bullshitter. That's One Of The Reasons He Was Re-elected. Honesty Has No Place In Politics. It Would Throw Everything Off.

Honesty

Pie

America

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

Use

Sometimes

My Own

Most People With Low Self-esteem Have Earned It.

Inspirational

Self Esteem

Humorous

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

Inspirational

Dog

Mean

Just Cause You Got The Monkey Off Your Back Doesn't Mean The Circus Has Left Town.

Funny

Mean

Humor

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

Funny

Humor

Names

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

Nuts

Records

Afternoon

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

Funny

Baby

Two

Why Do 'slow Down' And 'slow Up' Mean The Same Thing? Why Is The Third Hand On The Watch Called The Second Hand?

Time

Mean

Hands

An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

Art

Humorous

Men

Some People Have No Idea What They're Doing, And A Lot Of Them Are Really Good At It.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

Bullshit

Missing

Looks

For A Long Time, I've Distinguished Between Entertainer And Performer And Entertainer And Artist. To Me, An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself.

Artist

Long

Trying

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Children

Taught

Should

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

Depressing

People

Culture

People Tell You To Have A Safe Trip, As If You Have Some Control Over It.

People

Safe

Over It

Most Of The Time People Feel Okay. Probably It's Because At The Moment They're Not Actually Dying.

Stupid

People

Dying

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

Mother

School

Kids

If You You Think There Is A Solution, You're Part Of The Problem.

Thinking

Problem

Solutions

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

Children

Loner

Bother

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

I Was Taken To The Hospital For Observation. I Stayed Several Days, Didn't Observe Anything, And I Left.

Taken

Observation

Left

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

Horny

Coke

Made

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

Guy

Cliffs

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Long

Lists

Problem

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

Funny

Money

Work

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

Apathy

Today

Scientist

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

Humorous

People

Stuff

I Feel Sorry For Confetti. Its Useful Life Lasts About Two Seconds. And It Can Never Be Used Again.

Sorry

Two

Comedian

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Family

Children

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

Age

Pay

Hell

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

Mother

Home

School

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

Funny

Life

Witty

She Was Only A Prostitute, But She Had The Nicest Face I Ever Came Across.

Humor

Faces

I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

Religious

Atheist

Ideas

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

Honesty

Comedian

Second Best

One Of The More Pretentious Political Self-descriptions Is 'libertarian.' People Think It Puts Them Above The Fray. It Sounds Fashionable, And To The Uninitiated, Faintly Dangerous. Actually, It's Just One More Bullshit Political Philosophy.

Philosophy

Thinking

Self

There Are Women Named Faith, Hope, Joy, And Prudence. Why Not Despair, Guilt, Rage, And Grief? It Seems Only Right. 'tom, I'd Like You To Meet The Girl Of My Dreams, Tragedy.' These Days, Trajedi.

Girl

Dream

Grief

When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

Men

Sky

People

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

Funny

Humorous

People

If You Want To Get Rid Of Counterfeit Money, Put It In The Collection Plate At Church.

Money

Church

Want

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

Stars

Thinking

People

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Home

Refuge

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

Hurt

Clever

Kids

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

Smart

School

Kids

I Like To Say Two Things In Life That Mean The Most: Genetics And Luck. When You Look At It Realistically, Genetics Is Luck Too. Because You Could Have Been Born In Some Really Terrible Situation And Never Had A Chance To Realize Yourself Or See Who You Were. And So The Luck Of Genetics And Then After That, Circumstances, Those Are The Two Guiding Things.

Mean

Things In Life

Two

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

Mistake

Men

Thinking

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing

Comedian

Missing A Person

Golf Is An Arrogant, Elitist Game That Takes Up Entirely Too Much Space In This Country.

Country

Golf

Games

I'm Not An Angry Person, Just Very Disappointed And Contemptuous Of My Fellow Humans' Choices - And On Stage Those Feelings Sometimes Are Exaggerated For A Theatric Stage - You're On A Stage You Have An Audience Of 2500 Or 3000 People: You Need To Project The Feelings, The Emotions It's Heightened, And People Mistake It For A Personal Anger But It's More Dissatisfaction, Disappointment And Contempt For These Things We've Settled For.

Disappointment

Mistake

People

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

Christian

Motivation

People

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes.

Funny

Sports

Humor

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Funny

Time

Jobs

"fussy Eater" Is A Euphemism For "big Pain In The Ass."

Pain

Humorous

Ass

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

Prayer

Believe

Sorrow

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe

Believe You Can

I Believe

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

Nice

Humorous

Mean

Mother's Milk Leads To Everything.

Mother

Milk

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Friendship

True Friend

Funny Best Friend

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

Hemorrhoids

Engineers At General Motors Have Developed A Revolutionary New Engine Whose Only Function Is To Lubricate Itself.

Revolutionary

Function

Engineers

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Thinking

Free Thought

Art, Music, And Philosophy Are Merely Poignant Examples Of What We Might Have Been Had Not The Priests And Traders Gotten Hold Of Us.

Art

Philosophy

Example

Let A Smile Be Your Umbrella, And You'll End Up With A Face Full Of Rain.

Smile

Rain

Keep Smiling

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

Cancer

Science

Growth

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

Bullshit

Stories

All Time

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

Atheist

Ku Klux Klan

Doubt

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

Party

Cooking Dinner

Bathroom

I Respect Animals. I Have More Sympathy For An Injured Or Dead Animal Than I Do For An Injured Or Dead Human Being, Because Human Beings Participate And Cooperate In Their Own Undoing. Animals Are Completely Innocent. There Are No Innocent Human Beings.

Animal

Innocent

Undoing

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard

Inspiration

Beard

The Truth Is, Pavlov's Dog Trained Pavlov To Ring This Bell Just Before The Dog Salivated.

Dog

Truth

Pavlov

Pardon Me I've Got Nothing To Say.

Pardon Me

Pardon

Rhetoric Paints With A Broad Brush.

Paint

Broads

Brushes

It's A "keep Your Fingers Crossed" Business, The Entertainment Business.

Entertainment

Fingers Crossed

Fingers

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

Baseball

Team

Father

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

Numbers

Forget

Heroin

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Library

Adults

Bookstores

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

Science

Dna

Space

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

Funny

Humor

Improvement

All Christian Religions Are Outer-directed. "who Can I Convert?" "let's Go To This Country And Make Them Christians." "wear This." "do That." "no, Don't Worship That Way. Worship This Way Or I'll Kill You - For The Good Of Your Soul, Of Course." Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Christian

Country

Men

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

Humorous

Thinking

Hitting

If Lawyers Are Disbarred And Clergymen Defrocked, Doesn't It Follow That Electricians Can Be Delighted, Musicians Denoted?

Musician

Lawyer

Clergymen

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

Funny

Life

Reality

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

Important

Rolling

Cleaning

I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.

Funny

Birthday

Meaningful

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

Mean

Thinking

Civilization

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

Funny

Sexy

Arms

People Who See Life As Anything More Than Pure Entertainment Are Missing The Point.

Funny

Life

People

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

Funny

Thinking

Should Have

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

Long

People

Drug

I'm Happy To Tell You There Is Very Little In This World That I Believe In.

Believe

World

Littles

The Whole Idea Of The Pursuit Of Goods And Possessions Has Completely Corrupted The Human Experience, Along With Religion, Which I Think Limits The Intellect.

Thinking

Ideas

Limits

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

Believe

Exercise

Vote

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

Philosophy

Clouds

Eight

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

Voice

Laughing

Faces

An Outsider Longing To Be On The Inside Is The Same As The Soloist Longing To Work In An Ensemble. I Get Great Satisfaction In Being A Part Of The Proper - For Me - Community. I'm Uncomfortable With Various Social Groupings And Clusterings. But When I'm In The Right Group, Doing The Right Thing, I Get As Much Satisfaction Out Of That As Anyone Who Does It All The Time.

Community

Groups

Doe

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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