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It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

-George Carlin

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It's Nothing But A

George Carlin

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It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

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I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

I Think Everyone Should Treat One Another In A Christian Manner. I Will Not, However, Be Responsible For The Consequences.

Life Is Tough, Then You Die.

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

The Secretiveness. The Stealth. Those Were Obviously The Aspects Of Cocaine Use I Was Addicted To.

Every Person You Look At, You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking

If God Had Intended Us Not To Masturbate, He Would Have Made Our Arms Shorter.

When Something Is 'new And Improved', Which Is It? If It's New, Then There Has Never Been Anything Before It. If It's An Improvement, Then There Must Have Been Something Before It.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

I've Never Seen A Homeless Guy With A Bottle Of Gatorade.

When Someone Asks You, A Penny For Your Thoughts, And You Put Your Two Cents In, What Happens To The Other Penny?

Does Killing Time Damage Eternity?

Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "hemorrhoids" Instead Of "assteroids

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

I Didn't Wash Today. I Wasn't Dirty. If I'm Not Dirty, I Don't Wash. Some Weeks I Don't Have To Shower At All. I Just Groom My Three Basic Areas: Teeth, Hair, And Asshole. And To Save Time, I Use The Same Brush.

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

The Reason I Talk To Myself Is That I'm The Only One Whose Answers I Accept.

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

Children Are Not Our Future, And I Can Prove It With My Usual, Flawless Logic. Children Can't Be Our Future, Because By The Time The Future Arrives, They Won't Be Children Anymore, So Blow Me!

In My Fifth-grade Yearbook - It's Right Up There On The Top Shell - The Last Page Says, "what About Your Future?" And Under My Name, It Says, "when I Grow Up, I Would Like To Be Either An Actor, A Radio Announcer, An Impersonator Or A Comedian."

Heroin, Forget It. In My Neighborhood, I Could See What Heroin Did Firsthand And I Was Definitely Afraid Of That Number.

I Am A Personal Optimist But A Skeptic About All Else. What May Sound To Some Like Anger Is Really Nothing More Than Sympathetic Contempt. I View My Species With A Combination Of Wonder And Pity, And I Root For Its Destruction. And Please Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism; The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

What Exactly Is "midair"? Is There Some Other Part Of Air Besides The "mid" Part?

There Are Some People That Aren't Into All The Words. There Are Some People Who Would Have You Not Use Certain Words. Yeah, There Are 400,000 Words In The English Language, And There Are Seven Of Them That You Can't Say On Television. What A Ratio That Is. 399,993 To Seven. They Must Really Be Bad. They'd Have To Be Outrageous, To Be Separated From A Group That Large. All Of You Over Here, You Seven. Bad Words. That's What They Told Us They Were, Remember? 'that's A Bad Word.' You Know Bad Words. Bad Thoughts. Bad Intentions.

I Went Through The Usual Stages: Imp, Rascal, Scalawag, Whippersnapper. And, Of Course, After That It's Just A Small Step To Full-blown Sociopath.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.

An Outsider Longing To Be On The Inside Is The Same As The Soloist Longing To Work In An Ensemble. I Get Great Satisfaction In Being A Part Of The Proper - For Me - Community. I'm Uncomfortable With Various Social Groupings And Clusterings. But When I'm In The Right Group, Doing The Right Thing, I Get As Much Satisfaction Out Of That As Anyone Who Does It All The Time.

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Avoid Teams At All Cost. Keep Your Circle Small. Never Join A Group That Has A Name.

There Are Only Two Places In The World: Over Here And Over There.

You Wouldn't Know It, From Some Of The Things I've Said Over The Years, But I Like People. I Do. I Like People, But I Like Them In Short Bursts. I Don't Like People For Extended Periods Of Time. I'm All Right With Them For A Little While, But Once You Get Up Past Around... A Minute, Minute And A Half, I Gotta Get The Fuck Out Of There.

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

Your Dog Thinks You're A God. Your Cat Thinks The Dog's An Asshole.

The Symphony Orchestra Had Played Poorly, So The Conductor Was In A Bad Mood. That Night He Beat His Wife--because The Music Hadn't Been Beautiful Enough.

I Did A Lot Of Thinking, And Used Mental Activity To Relieve Whatever Feelings I Had. I Became Very Left-brained, And I Was Good In School. That Is, I Was A Smart Kid.

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

There Is A Planet Named Pluto, But We Don't Have One Named Goofy. Goofy Would Be A Good Name For This Planet. It Certainly Qualifies.

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

You Have To Be Realistic About Terrorism. Certain Groups Of People, Certain Groups, Muslim Fundamentalists, Christian Fundamentalists, Jewish Fundamentalists, And Just Plain Guys From Montana, Are Going To Continue To Make Life In This Country Very Interesting For A Long, Long Time.

Think Of How Strange We'd Look If All The Cuts, Burns, Scrapes, Bruises, Scratches, Bumps, Gashes, And Scabs We Ever Had Suddenly Reappeared On Our Bodies At The Same Time.

I Think We’re Part Of A Greater Wisdom That We Will Ever Understand; A Higher Order, Call It What You Want. Know What I Call It? The Big Electron. It Doesn’t Punish, It Doesn’t Reward, It Doesn’t Judge At All. It Just Is.

We Talk Too Much, Love Too Seldom, And Hate Too Often.

I Think Religion Is Very Anti-man. I Think It's A Terrible Distortion And Exploitation Of A Very Natural Urge Every Human Has - To Be Rejoined With The One Somehow, To Become A Part Of The Universe. Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

As You Swim The River Of Live, Do The Breast Stroke. It Helps To Clear The Turds From Your Path.

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

I Use The [vulgar] Words Because Apparently These Words Do Not Corrupt Morally. I'm From The Street In New York, Hung Around In A Tough Neighborhood. It Was Common To Curse, You Make Your Point. It's A Very Effective Language. I Try Not To Overdo It. It's Never To Shock. I Know Where It Fits, It's Never To Shock. There's No Shock Value Left In Words.

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'

The Next Time A Prostitute Solicits Your Business, Ask For The Clergyman's Rate.

I Sort Of Gave Up On This Whole Human Adventure A Long Time Ago, Divorced Myself From It Emotionally. It Gives Me An Artistic Detachment That I Find Valuable. I Think The Human Race Has Squandered Its Gift, And I Think This Country Has Squandered Its Promise, For The Sake Of Cell Phones And Jet Skis.

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

Bullshit Is Truly The American Soundtrack.

When It Comes To Bullshit, You Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims: Religion... Religion Easily Has The Greatest Bullshit Story Ever Told. Religion Has Actually Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man Living In The Sky Who Watches Everything You Do.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

If Lawyers Are Disbarred And Clergymen Defrocked, Doesn't It Follow That Electricians Can Be Delighted, Musicians Denoted?

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

Put Two Things Together Which Have Never Been Put Together Before, And Some Schmuck Will Buy It.

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Surround Yourself

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

But When You're In Front Of An Audience And You Make Them Laugh At A New Idea, You're Guiding The Whole Being For The Moment. No One Is Ever More Him/herself Than When They Really Laugh. Their Defenses Are Down. It's Very Zen-like, That Moment. They Are Completely Open, Completely Themselves When That Message Hits The Brain And The Laugh Begins. That's When New Ideas Can Be Implanted. If A New Idea Slips In At That Moment, It Has A Chance To Grow.

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

If You Vote And You Elect Dishonest, Incompetent People Into Office Who Screw Everything Up, You Are Responsible For What They Have Done. You Caused The Problem; You Voted Them In; You Have No Right To Complain

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

If You You Think There Is A Solution, You're Part Of The Problem.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

Surround Yourself With What You Love, Whether It's Family, Pets, Keepsakes, Music, Plants, Hobbies, Whatever.

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

How Can He Be Perfect? Everything He Ever Makes...dies.

Grudges Are A Waste Of Perfect Happiness. Laugh..apologiz E..let Go Of What You Can't Change.

Life Is Too Short

When I Was In Seventh Grade, I Was Caught Stealing Money From The Visiting Team's Locker Room During A Basketball Game. So I Was Sent To The Brothers. That's What They Called This Parochial School Up In Goshen, New York. I Was Supposed To Get Closer Supervision There And More "masculine Influence," Whatever That Means. But I Was Thrown Out For Telling A Couple Of Really Lame Kids On The Playground That I Had Heroin.

The Main Reason Women Are Crazy, Is That Men Are Stupid.

Life Is Not Measured By The Breaths You Take, But By The Moments That Take Your Breaths Away.

What Exactly Is 'viewer Discretion'? If Viewers Had Discretion, Most Television Shows Would Not Be On The Air.

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

The Bloodiest, Most Brutal Wars Fought, All Based On Religious Hatred. Which Is Fine With Me! Any Time A Bunch Of Holy People Want To Go Out And Kill Each Other I'm A Happy Guy!

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

In Tv Today, You Can Say I Pricked My Finger, But You Can't Say It The Other Way Around.

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

It Was The Typical Paranoid Experience [to Hide Coke]. As Soon As I Knew My Hiding Place, I Thought The Whole World Knew It. I'd Write Clues To My Hiding Places In Code, Then Forget The Code And Spend The Rest Of The Day Looking For My Coke.

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

A Woman Told Me Her Child Was Autistic, And I Thought She Said Artistic. So I Said, 'oh Great. I'd Like To See Some Of The Things He's Done.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

The Main Reason Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

Praying Is Begging For An Unseen Deity To Alter The Laws Of Nature For Someone Admittedly Unworthy.

Here's A Phrase That Apparently The Airlines Simply Made Up: Near Miss. They Say That If 2 Planes Almost Collide, It's A Near Miss. Bullshit, My Friend. It's A Near Hit! A Collision Is A Near Miss. [wham! Crunch!] "look, They Nearly Missed!" "yes, But Not Quite.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

Soft Rock Music Isn’t Rock, And It Ain’t Music. It’s Just Soft.

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

A Flag Is Supposed To Represent Everything That A Country Does. It Doesn't Only Represent The Good Things. If You Burn The Flag, You're Burning The Flag For What You Perceive To Be The Bad Things The Country Has Done. It's Only A Symbol. It's Only A Piece Of Cloth.

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

And Off We Go, Out Onto The Highway Looking For A Little Fun. Perhaps A Flatbed Truck Loaded With Human Cadavers Will Explode In Front Of A Star Trek Reunion. One Can Only Dream And Hope.

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Redefine Success.

I Have A Suggestion That I Think Would Help Fight Serious Crime. Signs. There Are Lots Of Signs For Minor Infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off The Grass, Keep Out, And They Seem To Work Fairly Well. I Think We Should Also Have Signs For Major Crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, No Raping People, Thank You For Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's Certainly Worth A Try. I'm Convinced Watergate Would Never Have Happened If There Had Just Been A Sign In The Oval Office That Said, Malfeasance Of Office Is Strictly Against The Law, Or Thank You For Not Undermining The Constitution.

Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

But Then You Turn 30. Oooohh, What Happened There? Makes You Sound Like Bad Milk! He Turned; We Had To Throw Him Out. There's No Fun Now, You're Just A Sour-dumpling. What's Wrong? What's Changed?

Most Of The Note-taking Happens While I'm Watching Television. It's A Broad Window On The World, And A Lot Of Things Are Already Established In My Mind As Things I Say, Things That I'm Interested In, Things That Are Fodder For My [stand-up] Machine. And When I See Something That Relates To One Of Them, I Know It Instantly And If It's A Further Exaggeration And A Further Addition, Or An Exception - If It Plays Into Furthering My Purpose, I Jot It Down.

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

Self-expression Is A Hallmark Of An Artist, Of Art, To Get Something Off One's Chest, To Sing One's Song. So That Element Is Present In All Art. It Is The Key To Even Standing Up And Saying, "hey, Listen To Me." Self-expression Can Be Based On Looking At The World And Making Observations About It.

To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

I Find It Discouraging - And A Bit Depressing - When I Notice The Unequal Treatment Afforded By The Media To Ufo Believers On The One Hand, And On The Other, To Those Who Believe In An Invisible Supreme Being Who Inhabits The Sky.

A Crumb Is A Great Thing: If You Break A Crumb In Half, You Don't Get Two Half-crumbs, You Get Two Crumbs. Doesn't That Violate Some Law Of Physics?

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

I Never Worry That All Hell Will Break Loose. My Concern Is That Only Part Of Hell Will Break Loose And Be Much Harder To Detect.

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

Life Is Sacred? Who Said So? God? Hey, If You Read History, You Realize That God Is One Of The Leading Causes Of Death.

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

Sex Always Has Consequences. When Hitler's Mother Spread Her Legs That Night, She Effectively Canceled Out The Spreading Of Fifteen To Twenty Million Other Pairs Of Legs.

If It Requires A Uniform, It's A Worthless Endeavor.

I'm Thinking Of Buying A Church And Changing It Around: Maybe Selling Crack And Having A Few Whores In The Pew.

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

I Don't Vote. We're Led To Believe We're Free Through The Exercise Of Ineffective Freedoms.

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

When He Got Loaded, The Human Cannonball Knew There Were Not Many Men Of His Caliber.

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

But Wait!!! You Make It To 60. You Didn't Think You Would!

Age Is A Hell Of A Price To Pay For Wisdom.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

Censorship That Comes From The Outside Assumes About People An Inability To Make Reasoned Choices.

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

In Most Polls There Are Always About 5 Percent Of The People Who 'don't Know.' What Isn't Generally Understood Is That It's The Same People In Every Poll.

I Have Things That Are Strident And Confrontational, And I Have A Lot Of Things That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sort Of Sweet. So, Somewhere In Between Lies The Middle Of Me.

That Invisible Hand Of Adam Smith Seems To Offer An Extended Middle Finger To An Awful Lot Of People.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

There Was About A Two-year Period At The End Of The '60s, When I Realized I Was In The Wrong Place And Entertaining The Wrong People With The Wrong Material And That I Was Not Being True To Myself. I Went Through A Metamorphosis Into Something More Authentic For Me, A More Authentic Stage Voice And Writing Voice.

I Don't Understand The Problem With Paroling Charles Manson? I Say Set Him Free And Let Him Get On With His Work. I Have A Long List Of Celebrities I'd Be Glad To Share With Him.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

I Became A Radio Nut. I Loved The Afternoon Serials, And I Got Into Jazz Through The Radio. I Had A Subscription To Down Beat When I Was 12. And I'd Spend A Lot Of Time In Front Of The Minor, Miming Records.

I Have This Real Moron Thing I Do? It's Called Thinking.

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'i Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

In The Doggie Dictionary, Under "bow Wow" It Says, "see "arf Arf.""

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

The Baby Boomers: Whiny, Narcissistic, Self-indulgent People With A Simple Philosophy: "gimme That! It's Mine!"

We Kind Of Shape Our Truths As We Speak Them. We Fashion Things To Suit The Occasion Or The Person Or Our Own Needs In The Moment.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

To My Way Of Thinking, There Is Every Bit As Much Evidence For The Existence Of Ufos As There Is For The Existence Of God. Probably Far More. At Least In The Case Of Ufos There Have Been Countless Taped And Filmed And, By The Way, Unexplained Sightings From All Over The World, Along With Documented Radar Evidence Seen By Experienced Military And Civilian Radar Operators.>>.

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

If A Movie Is Described As A Romantic Comedy, You Can Usually Find Me Next Door Playing Pinball.

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

Some People Think That Words Can Injure The Psyche Or The Moral Fiber. And They Really Can't.

I Noticed That All The Prayers I Used To Offer To God, And All The Prayers I Now Offer To Joe Pesci, Are Being Answered At About The Same 50% Rate. Half The Time I Get What I Want, Half The Time I Don't... Same As The Four-leaf Clover And The Horseshoe...same As The Voodoo Lady Who Tells You Your Fortune By Squeezing The Goat's Testicles, It's All The Same: 50-50. So Just Pick Your Superstition, Sit Back, Make A Wish, And Enjoy Yourself.

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

There's A Thing About Cocaine - When I Was Doing It Secretly, It Didn't Make Me Very Sociable. I Forget How Others Were, But It Made Me Very Inner-directed. So Being In A Sketch And Rehearsing And The "hail Fellow Well Met" Camaraderie And All That Stuff, I Couldn't Fake That Or Force That. It Was Painful.

Where Ideas Are Concerned, America Can Be Counted On To Do One Of Two Things: Take A Good Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground, Or Take A Bad Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground.

There Are Two Types Of People: One Strives To Control His Environment, The Other Strives Not To Let His Environment Control Him. I Like To Control My Environment.

Early In My Career I Was Divided Because I Had The Real Self Underneath: The Lawbreaker, The Anarchist, The Person Who Swims Against The Tide, The Outsider, The Loner, All Of That Guy. He Was My Private Self, And I Had This Other Side That Wanted To Be Liked In Order To Do All Those Things I Dreamed Of As A Little Boy. I Didn't Realize That Those Things Didn't Go Together Until Later. And I'm Quite Sure That My Use Of Acid And Peyote Helped Me Accept What Was Really Going On Inside Of Me Instead Of What I Had Imposed On Myself.

Cancer Research Is A Growth Industry.

One Good Reason To Only Maintain A Small Circle Of Friends Is That Three Out Of Four Murders Are Committed By People Who Know The Victim.

Funny Best Friend

When You Visualize The Recent Past, Do You See It As Being Somewhere Over On The Left?

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

Something Is Wrong. War, Disease, Death, Destruction, Hunger, Filth, Poverty, Crime, Torture, Corruption And The Ice Capades. If This Is The Best God Can Do, I Am Not Impressed. This Is Not What You Expect To Find On The Resume Of A Supreme Being. It's What You Expect From An Office Temp With A Bad Attitude.

If Everything That Ever Lived Is Dead, And Everything Alive Is Gonna Die...where Does The Sacred Part Come In?

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

Of Course, In Los Angeles, Everything Is Based On Driving, Even The Killings. In New York, Most People Don't Have Cars, So If You Want To Kill A Person, You Have To Take The Subway To Their House. And Sometimes On The Way, The Train Is Delayed And You Get Impatient, So You Have To Kill Someone On The Subway. That's Why There Are So Many Subway Murders; No One Has A Car.

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

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Henri Frederic Amiel

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