There's A Reason Education Sucks, And It's The Same Reason It Will Never Ever Ever Be Fixed. It's Never Going To Get Any Better. Don't Look For It. Be Happy With What You've Got, Because The Owners Of This Country Don't Want That. I'm Talking About The Real Owners Now... The Real Owners. The Big Wealthy Business Interests That Control Things And Make All The Important Decisions. Forget The Politicians. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice. You Have Owners.

-George Carlin

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There's A Reason Education

George Carlin

Topic

Education

Country

Real

More From George Carlin

People Who Own Everything Know How To Relax A Little And Bend And Exhale Once In A While, But They're Not Going To Let It Get Out Of Control.

People

Relax

Littles

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

Humorous

Thinking

Hitting

If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough.

Self

Drug

Going For It

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

Science

Thinking

Telescopes

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

Funny

Disappointment

Humor

People Tell You To Have A Safe Trip, As If You Have Some Control Over It.

People

Safe

Over It

There Are Three Kinds Of People: Those Who Can Count, And Those Who Cannot.

Mathematical Logic

People

Three

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

Horny

Coke

Made

Do You Know The Nicest Thing About Looking At Pictures Of A 1950's Baseball Park? The Only People Wearing Baseball Caps Are The Players.

Baseball

Player

People

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

Atheist

Bullshit

Clergymen

When You Think About It, Attention-deficit Order Makes A Lot Of Sense. In This Country There Isn't A Lot Worth Paying Attention To.

Country

Stupid

Thinking

Somebody Once Said That Hollywood Is Based On A Lot Of Producers Deliberately Making Bad Movies, And Every Now And Then Somebody Gets Lucky.

Lucky

Now And Then

Producers

Religion Is Like Drugs, It Destroys The Thinking Mind.

Atheist

Thinking

Drug

There Is A Core Of Loneliness. It's Partly Existential. Secondly, I Was Raised A Loner. My Parents Were Not There. My Father Was Asked To Leave Because He Couldn't Metabolize Ethanol. Actually, My Mother Ran Away With Us When I Was 2 Months Old And My Brother Was 5. Real Dramatic Stuff: Down The Fire Escape, Through Backyards. So, I Sort Of Raised Myself. I Was Alone A Lot And I Invented Myself - I Lived Through The Radio And Through My Imagination.

Mother

Brother

Father

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

Health

Helping

Cherish

There's Some Invisible Guy, Up In The Sky, Who Can Kill You, Because He Loves You.

Jesus

Love You

Sky

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

Mother

Moving

Mean

They're Only Words. You Can't Be Afraid Of Words That Speak The Truth, Even If It's An Unpleasant Truth.

Freedom Of Speech

Speak

Speak The Truth

My First Rule: I Don't Believe Anything The Government Tells Me.

Believe

Government

Firsts

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food: "kumquats". I Don't Even Bring Them Home Anymore. I Sit There Laughing And They Go To Waste.

Home

Laughing

Waste

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Hate

Humorous

Schedules

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer

Survival

Cancer Survival

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

In The United States, Anybody Can Be President. That's The Problem.

President

United States

Problem

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

Numbers

Records

Alive

Just Think, Right Now As You Read This, Some Guy Somewhere Is Gettin' Ready To Hang Himself.

Stupid

Thinking

People

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

Abortion

Feminist

Chickens

For A While, I Thought Of Myself As An Atheist Until I Realized It Was A Belief, Too. It's A Shame Everything Has To Have A Label.

Atheist

Labels

Belief

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

Giving

Use

Philosopher

I Went To My Old School, Where All The Kids I'd Been With For Eight Years Were About To Graduate. But The Sisters Wanted Me To Repeat The Whole Term; So I Went To The Principal And Pleaded With Her To Allow Me To Graduate With My Class. She Finally Agreed On The Condition That I Write The Graduation Play. It Was Called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?catchy Title, Huh?

School

Kids

Writing

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Fun

Sleep

Years

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

Hotel Lobby

Drug

Together

So I Do Have This Ambivalence. Obviously I'm Against Militaries, Because Of What Militaries Do. In Many Ways Though, The Air Force Was Unmilitary-like. They Dropped Bombs On People, But...they Had A Golf Course.

Golf

Air

People

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

Play

Gold Teeth

People

I Went To George Washington High School For Six Months Before My 16th Birthday, When I Could Legally Quit. That Was An Even Worse Experience Than The Catholic Schools. I Mean, They Were Still Teaching Fractions. But Mostly, I Played Hooky.

Teaching

Mean

School

Every Person You Look At, You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking

Eye

People

Comedian

Can Placebos Cause Side Effects? If So, Are The Side Effects Real?

Real

Causes

Sides

You Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala.

Guatemala

Fruit

Tropical

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

Emotional

Thinking

America

Don't Take Guilt Trips. Take A Trip To The Mall, To The Next County, To A Foreign Country, But Not To Where The Guilt Is.

Country

Regret

Guilt

Do You Remember Barbara Bush? I Call Her The Silver Douchebag.

Douchebags

Remember

Silver

Abraham Maslow Said That The Fully Realized Person Transcends His Local Group And Identifies With The Species. But The Election Of Ronald Reagan Might've Been The Beginning Of My Giving Up On My Species. Because It Was Absurd. To This Day It Remains Absurd. More Than Absurd, It Was Frightening: It Represented The Rise To Supremacy Of Darkness, The Ascendancy Of Ignorance.

Giving Up

Ignorance

Darkness

Religion Is Just Mind Control.

Funny

Mind

Religion

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

Way

Lasts

Spirituality

Here's All You Have To Know About Men And Women: Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid. And The Main Reason Women Are Crazy Is That Men Are Stupid.

Funny

Wedding

Truth

The Writing Is What Gives Me The Joy, Especially Editing Myself For The Page, And Getting Something Ready To Show To The Editors, And Then To Have A First Draft And Get It Back And Work To Fix It, I Love Reworking, I Love Editing, Love Love Love Revision, Revision, Revision, Revision.

Writing

Editing

Editors

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

Music

Thinking

Somewhere Else

I'm Always Relieved When Someone Is Delivering A Eulogy And I Realize I'm Listening To It.

Death

Suicide

Humorous

I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

Heart

Coke

Causes

When People Say “clean As A Whistle”, They Forget That A Whistle Is Full Of Spit.

Funny

Humor

People

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Is One I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was.

Funny

Father

Humor

The More Syllables A Euphemism Has, The Further Divorced From Reality It Is.

Reality

Euphemism

Divorced

Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

Airplane

Color

Three

Sometimes When I'm Told To Use My Own Discretion, If No One Is Looking I'll Use Someone Else's. But I Always Put It Back.

Use

Sometimes

My Own

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

Thinking

Speak

Unsaid

There Are Actually People Who Go Out And Re-fight These Battles. You Know What I Say? Use Real Ammunition! You Just Might Raise The Intelligence Level Of The American Gene Pool!

Real

Fighting

People

Someone Once Said, If You Scratch A Cynic, And You'll Find A Disappointed Idealist. That Really Rang A Bell With Me - Because I Recognized That, Within Me, There Is This Flame, Of Wishing It Were Better, Wishing People Had Better Lives, That There Was More Of An Authentic Sharing And Harmony With Nature.

Flames

People

Wish

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

Reading

Thinking

Mind

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

Funny Life

Life Is

Near Death

We Think In Language. The Quality Of Our Thoughts And Ideas Can Only Be As Good As The Quality Of Our Language.

Thinking

Ideas

Quality

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

Memories

Healing

People

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Dancing

Yeast

Bread

Fighting For Peace Is Like Screwing For Virginity.

Funny

Witty

Peace

In Baseball The Object Is To Go Home! And To Be Safe! - I Hope I'll Be Safe At Home!

Baseball

Home

Safe

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

Play

Creating

Roles

Scientists Announced Today That They Have Discovered A Cure For Apathy. However, They Claim No One Has Shown The Slightest Interest In It.

Apathy

Today

Scientist

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Artist

Thinking

Filters

I Think Of Shock As Kind Of An Uptown Form Of Surprise. Comedy Is Filled With Surprise, So When I Cross A Line... I Like To Find Out Where The Line Might Be And Then Cross It Deliberately, And Then Make The Audience Happy About Crossing The Line With Me.

Thinking

Crossing The Line

Uptown

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

Florida

Age

Temperature

What I Hated Most Was Seeing Those Priests And Brothers Getting So Much Pleasure Out Of Inflicting Pain. I Wondered What Was Wrong With Them.

Brother

Pain

Pleasure

I'm Not In Show Business Because I Don't Have To Go To The Meetings, I'm Just Not A Part Of It, I Don't Belong To It. When You "belong" To Something. You Want To Think About That Word, "belong." People Should Think About That: It Means They Own You. If You Belong To Something It Owns You, And I Just Don't Care For That. I Like Spinning Out Here Like One Of Those Subatomic Particles That They Can't Quite Pin Down.

Mean

Thinking

People

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

Angel

Bullshit

Zombie

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Writing

People

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

Catholic

Never Forget

Forget

What Does It Mean To Pre-board? Do You Get On Before You Get On?

Inspirational

Funny

Mean Girls

I Never Joined The Boy Scouts. I Don't Trust Any Organization That Has A Handbook.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

Funny

Life

Humor

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning.

Morning

Mean

Eight

I Think It's The Duty Of The Comedian To Find Out Where The Line Is Drawn And Cross It Deliberately.

Funny

Humor

Stupid People

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

Interesting

Ears

Language

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

People

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.you Have No Choice. You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything. They Own All The Important Land. They Own, And Control The Corporations. They've Long Since Bought, And Paid For The Senate, The Congress, The State Houses, The City Halls, They Got The Judges In Their Back Pockets And They Own All The Big Media Companies, So They Control Just About All Of The News And Information You Get To Hear.

Running

Smart

Thinking

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Funny

Stupid

Humor

The Rebellious Mood Of The Country During Those [60th] Years Allowed Me To Plug Right Back Into My Old Hatreds. I Could Scream And Holler, As I Did On The Albums, Against Religion, Government, Big Business - All Those Assholes And Their Values. That Hatred Was Very Real.

Country

Real

Government

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

Motivational

Inspiring

Tombstone

If The Black Box Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

Funny

Life

Witty

If You Vote And You Elect Dishonest, Incompetent People Into Office Who Screw Everything Up, You Are Responsible For What They Have Done. You Caused The Problem; You Voted Them In; You Have No Right To Complain

Office

People

Done

In Rome, The Emperor Sat In A Special Part Of The Colosseum Called The Caesarian Section.

Rome

Special

Coliseum

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Aging

Speed

Wednesday

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Philosophy

White

Hair

When Thomas Edison Worked Late Into The Night On The Electric Light, He Had To Do It By Gas Lamp Or Candle. I'm Sure It Made The Work Seem That Much More Urgent.

Night

Light

Lamps

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe

Believe You Can

I Believe

As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

Stupid

Humorous

Hero

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

Artist

Thinking

Analysis

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

Mother

School

Kids

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

Healthy

Half

May

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Creativity

Careers

Judging

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

Baby

Military

Stupid

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

Organization

Government

Trying

Isn’t Making A Smoking Section In A Restaurant Like Making A Peeing Section In A Swimming Pool?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

Science

Thinking

Order

The New Testament Is Not New Anymore' It's Thousands Of Years Old. It's Time To Start Calling It The Less Old Testament.

Years

Calling

Old Testament

We Now Buy Watches Primarily For Their Looks, Price, Or Additional Functions. The Fact That They Tell Time Seems Lost.

Watches

Looks

Facts

I'm 63 Now. But That's Just 17 Celsius.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

Military

America

Soldier

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

Night

College

Thinking

Beethoven Was So Hard Of Hearing, He Thought He Was A Painter.

Stupid

People

Hearing

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

Numbers

Records

Alive

Don Ho Can Sign Autographs 3.4 Times Faster Than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Stupid

People

Faster

Property Is Theft. Nobody "owns" Anything. When You Die, It All Stays Here.

Death

Suicide

Stupid

How Do You Write Zero In Roman Numerals?

Zero

Writing

Roman Numerals

My Mother Didn't Get Home Until About Seven Most Nights And, Yes, There Was A Sense Of Being Very Alone After School. She Gave Me All The Proper Guidance And Influences, But Physically, She Just Couldn't Be There.

Mother

Home

School

Whenever You See The Word Cuisine Used Instead Of The Word Food, Be Prepared To Pay An Additional Eighty Percent.

Pay

Cuisine

Used

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

Play

People

Littles

I'd Go On Runs [on Cocaine ], Four And Five Days Without Sleep. Then I'd Crash And Sleep About 18 Hours A Day For Seven To Ten Days. Then It Would Take A Few More Weeks To Get Over A Vague Sort Of Depression. Then I'd Be Off On Another Run.

Running

Sleep

Goes On

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

Inspirational

Life

Synonym

There's No Present. There's Only The Immediate Future And The Recent Past.

Funny

Future

Humor

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

Inspirational

Funny

Life

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

Baseball

Team

Stupid

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

Morning

Doctors

World

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

Money

Guy

Littles

We Use Up Words Like 'spiritual' So Fast In This Culture. Twenty Years Ago Spiritual Had A Distinct Meaning. But Now There's A Lot Of Jack-off Thinkers Who Just Love To Talk About The Spiritual. And There Is A Lot Of Bogus - Is Bogosity A Word? It Should Be - A Lot Of Bogosity In These Spiritual Seekers. So You Have To Find Another Way To Express It. I Just Call It 'how I Fit'.

Spiritual

Years

Atheism

I Hope We're Not Just Human Garbage Drifting Toward A Big Sewer. But I Think So.

Humorous

Thinking

Garbage

The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

Distance

Two

Lines

Why Is The Man Who Invests All Your Money Called A Broker?

Funny

Money

Humor

An Entertainer Is Someone Who Pleases Others, And An Artist Tries To Please Himself. An Artist Is On A Journey: They Don't Know Where They're Going, What Is Going To Happen, But They Know They Are Not There Yet, And There Is Some Continuity And Growth. I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Thinking

Artist

Journey

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Men

Mind

Followers

Comedy, I Figured, Was The Thing That Came To Me The Most Easily. Playing The Trumpet And Piano Took Practice. I Thought That Was A Waste Of Time. I'd Go Out On The Street Corner And Be Funny. In A Minute.

Practice

Piano

Waste

The Two Big Mistakes Were The Belief In A Sky God - That There's A Man In The Sky With 10 Things He Doesn't Want You To Do And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them - And Private Property, Which I Think Is At The Core Of Our Failure As A Species. That's The Source Of My Indignations, My Dissatisfactions, However It Comes Out On The Stage. I Feel Betrayed By The People I'm Part Of, These Creatures, These Magnificent Creatures.

Mistake

Men

Thinking

You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

Self

Drug

Going For It

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

Mind

Would Be

Tools

The Violence Of The Left Is Symbolic, The Injuries Are Not Intended. The Violence Of The Right Is Real - Directed At People, Designed To Cause Injuries. Vietnam, Nuclear Weapons, Police Out Of Control Are Intentional Forms Of Violence. The Violence From The Right Is Aimed Directly At People And The Violence From The Left Is Aimed At Institutions And Symbols.

Real

People

Police

Boxing Is A More Sophisticated Form Of Hockey.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

Interesting

Relaxation

Wish

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing

Comedian

Missing A Person

Trying To Be Happy By Accumulating Possessions Is Like Trying To Satisfy Hunger By Taping Sandwiches All Over Your Body

Happiness

Fun

Over You

But Wait!!! You Make It To 60. You Didn't Think You Would!

Thinking

Waiting

Aging

Life Is A Zero Sum Game.

Zero

Stupid

Games

There's This Man Who Lives In The Sky, And He Has Ten Things He Doesn't Want You To Do, And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them. But He Loves You.

Love You

Men

Sky

I Think People Should Be Allowed To Do Anything They Want. We Haven't Tried That For A While. Maybe This Time It'll Work.

Funny

Thinking

People

That Invisible Hand Of Adam Smith Seems To Offer An Extended Middle Finger To An Awful Lot Of People.

Hands

Invisible Hand

People

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

Funny

Thinking

Should Have

If Two Baseball Players From The Same Hometown, On Different Teams, Receive The Same Uniform Number, It Is Not Ironic. It Is A Coincidence. If Barry Bonds Attains Lifetime Statistics Identical To His Father's, It Will Not Be Ironic. It Will Be A Coincidence.

Baseball

Team

Father

I Think There's A Little More Attention To Human Needs Than To Property Rights. But I Don't Think Much Of Political Activism. It's So Shortsighted. Most People Are Interested In Their Own Personal Comfort. I've Said That About Environmentalists. I Think They Care About Bike Paths And Places To Park Their Volvos, Not The Planet As An Abstraction.

Thinking

Rights

People

If The Shoe Fits, Buy Another One Just Like It.

Shoes

Fit

If The Shoe Fits

Being A Dodgers Fan Led To My First Air Force Court-martial, But That's Another Story.

Air

Fans

Stories

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. But I'm Not In A League With Lenny [bruce], Certainly Not In Terms Of Social Commentary.

Believe

League

Social

Movies And Television Don't Make You Violent; All They Do Is Channel The Violence More Creatively.

Television

Violence

Violent

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

Want

Arms

Given

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

Giving

Should

Illegal

"fussy Eater" Is A Euphemism For "big Pain In The Ass."

Pain

Humorous

Ass

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

Mother

Brother

Father

Sometimes Guys'll Say To You, 'have A Good One'. I Say, 'i Already Have A Good One. Now I'm Looking For A Longer One'.

Sex

Guy

Sometimes

People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National

Stupid

People

Messages

I Think It Keeps The Child Alive In Me. There's A Thrill When You Steal Something In Plain View Of Other People.

Children

Thinking

Views

When It Comes To Bullshit...bigtime, Major League Bullshit...you Have To Stand In Awe Of The All-time Champion Of False Promises And Exaggerated Claims...religion.

Atheist

League

Bullshit

I Had Run Away From Home Three Times. I Had Been Kicked Out Of Three Different Schools Under Different Circumstances. I Was Kicked Out Of Everything That I Didn't Quit. Kicked Out Of Schools. Kicked Out Of Summer Camp, The Boy Scouts, The Altar Boys, The Choir, And Something Else That I Can't Think Of, That I'm Proud Of. Anyway, That Was My Pattern. I Just Began To Invent Myself Early In Life, And Went Out And Did Something About It.

Summer

Running

School

Grass Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer.

Hurt

Grass

Performers

Meow” Means “woof” In Cat.

Inspirational

Dog

Mean

When I Was Young I Used To Read About The Decline Of Western Civilization, And I Decided It Was Something I Would Like To Make A Contribution To.

Humorous

Civilization

Used

There Are An Awful Lot Of Things In The Cut Of Street Drugs That Eventually Make You Sick. I Reached A Point Where The Skin Around The Edges Of My Fingernails Used To Hurt All The Time. And It Would Peel Away Easily. Now, That Must Have Been From Some Poison In The Cut.

Hurt

Cutting

Sick

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

Coke

Body

Awful

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

Messages

Satan

Standards

To Me, Fast Food Is When A Cheetah Eats An Antelope.

Humorous

Fast Food

Cheetahs

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

If Work Is So Terrific, How Come They Have To Pay You To Do It?

Work

Pay

Terrific

Christian Deodorant: "thou Shalt Not Smell"

Christian

Humorous

Smell

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

Sports

Mother

Running

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

Drawing

Boards

Invention

Tonight's Forecast: Dark. Continued Mostly Dark Tonight, Turning To Wildly Scattered Light In The Morning

Morning

Dark

Light

Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-through Bank Machines?

Funny

Humor

Machines

What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?

Inspirational

Life

What If

And Off We Go, Out Onto The Highway Looking For A Little Fun. Perhaps A Flatbed Truck Loaded With Human Cadavers Will Explode In Front Of A Star Trek Reunion. One Can Only Dream And Hope.

Dream

Stars

Fun

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

Home

Weather

I Set Out To Become A Comedian, And I Said In Order To Do That The First Thing I'll Do Is Become A Disc Jockey And Know My Pop Music. I Like It, My Voice Is Good, And I Can Start Out Getting Confidence Without An Audience In Front Of Me.

Order

Voice

Comedian

Looking Back, I Realize That My Life Has Been A Series Of Incidents Where One Person Has Said To Another, "get This Asshole Outta Here!"

Humorous

Realizing

Incidents

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

Guy

Cliffs

The Habits Of Liberals, Their Automatic Language, Their Knee-jerk Responses To Certain Issues, Deserved The Epithets The Right Wing Stuck Them With. I'd See How True They Often Were. Here They Were, Banding Together In Packs, So I Could Predict What They Were Going To Say About Some Event Or Conflict And It Wasn't Even Out Of Their Mouths Yet. I Was Very Uncomfortable With That. Liberal Orthodoxy Was As Repugnant To Me As Conservative Orthodoxy.

Wings

Issues

Together

I Don't Like The Phrase Shock Value. Surprise Is Essential In Comedy, And If People Are Shocked By What I Consider Merely Surprising, Then That's Their Shock. But There Is No Joke Without Surprise.

People

Essentials

Phrases

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Believe

Home

Gun

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

Thinking

People

United States

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Voting

Would Be

Illegal

Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups.

Nature

Philosophy

Stupid

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

Pain

Moving

Hangover

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

Dream

Gone

Pushing

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

Country

Shopping

Addiction

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

Cake

Names

Hot

Religion - Religion, At Best - At Best - Is Like A Lift In Your Shoe. If You Need It For A While, And It Makes You Walk Straight And Feel Better - Fine. But You Don't Need It Forever, Or You Can Become Permanently Disabled. Religion Is Like A Lift In The Shoe, And I Say Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes. And Let's Not Go Down And Nail Lifts Onto The Natives' Feet.

Feel Better

Shoes

Feet

To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

Able

Sophisticated

Feels

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

Funny

Prayer

Numbers

It Seems To Me Like A Perversion Of Talent For An Artist Of Any Kind To Further The Corporate Structure Of America Or The Personal Interests Of The Morons And Thieves Who Run It.

Running

Artist

America

I Don't See Much Of A Future For This Planet. I Think It's A Cursed Planet. The Boundaries We've Drawn Between Nations And The Profit Motive - Those Two Factors Have, In My Opinion, Brought Us To The Point Where Almost Nothing Can Stop The Utter Destruction Of The Environment And All Our Earthly Life-support Systems.

Thinking

Two

Support Systems

So About 80 Years After The Constitution Is Ratified, The Slaves Are Freed. Not So You'd Really Notice It Of Course; Just Kinda On Paper. And That Of Course Was At The End Of The Civil War. Now There Is Another Phrase I Dearly Love. That Is A True Oxymoron If I've Ever Heard One: "civil War." Do You Think Anybody In This Country Could Ever Really Have A Civil War? "say, Pardon Me?" (shoots Gun) "i'm Awfully Sorry. Awfully Sorry."

Country

Sorry

Philosophy

It's The American View That Everything Has To Keep Climbing: Productivity, Profits, Even Comedy.

Climbing

Views

Comedy

I Was Looking In The Mirror The Other Day And I Realized I Haven't Changed Much Since I Was In My Twenties. The Only Difference Is I Look A Whole Lot Older Now.

Funny

Mirrors

Differences

I'll Tell You A Little Secret About The Blues: It's Not Enough To Know Which Notes To Play, You Have To Know Why They Need To Be Played.

Play

Secret

Needs

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

Morning

Dark

Light

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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