When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

-George Carlin

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When Fascism Comes To

George Carlin

Topic

Nike

Philosophy

War

More From George Carlin

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

Cake

Names

Hot

Sex Always Has Consequences. When Hitler's Mother Spread Her Legs That Night, She Effectively Canceled Out The Spreading Of Fifteen To Twenty Million Other Pairs Of Legs.

Mother

Sex

Night

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

Organization

Government

Trying

There Was A Built-in Audience For The Rebel In Me That Had Been All Along Not Expressing Himself.

Rebel

Audience

Built

The Surgeon General Warned Today That Saliva Causes Stomach Cancer. But Apparently Only When Swallowed In Small Amounts Over A Long Period Of Time.

Cancer

Humorous

Long

Have You Ever Noticed That The Lawyer Always Smiles More Than The Client?

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Tell People An Invisible Man In The Sky Created All Things, They Believe You. Tell Them What You've Painted Is Wet, They Have To Touch It To Believe.

Believe

Men

Sky

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

Funny

Humor

Thinking

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Long

Hats

Feels

My Father And Mother Separated When I Was Two Months Old.

Mother

Father

Two

Have You Ever Wondered Why Republicans Are So Interested In Encouraging People To Volunteer In Their Communities? It’s Because Volunteers Work For No Pay. Republicans Have Been Trying To Get People To Work For No Pay For A Long Time.

Philosophy

Long

People

Catholic School Gave Me The Tools To Reject The Very Religion They Wanted Me To Have. They Taught Me How To Think For Myself And To Be Independent.

School

Independent

Thinking

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

Aging

Speed

Wednesday

I Didn't Wash Today. I Wasn't Dirty. If I'm Not Dirty, I Don't Wash. Some Weeks I Don't Have To Shower At All. I Just Groom My Three Basic Areas: Teeth, Hair, And Asshole. And To Save Time, I Use The Same Brush.

Dirty

Hair

Teeth

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

Funny

Prayer

Numbers

I Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream. So There Is Some Compulsion Involved. But The Dividend I Get Is The Freedom To Be Totally Disorderly In My Dreamworld.

Dream

Order

Space

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

Hate

Humorous

Schedules

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

Funny

Thinking

Should Have

Well, If Crime Fighters Fight Crime And Fire Fighters Fight Fire, What Do Freedom Fighters Fight?

Funny

Peace

Freedom

What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?

Funny

Humor

Men

Everybody In America Is A Part Of This Big Herd Of Cattle Being Led To The Marketplace, Not To Be Sold, Which Is Usual With Cattle, But To Do The Buying. And Everyone Is Branded. You See The Brands - Nike, Puma, Coke - All Over Their Bodies. Pretty Soon You'll Go To A Family And Say, "$100,000 If We Can Tattoo Pepsi On Your Child's Forehead, And We'll Have It Removed When He's Twenty-one. A Hundred Grand."

Tattoo

Nike

Children

Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't.

Ideas

Giving

Choices

By The Next One [albom],occupation: Foole, I Was Right Back Into The Trip Again. I'm More Frantic, More Breathless. You Can Hear How Sick I Am. If You Want To See A Cokehead, Just Look At The Pictures On The Occupation: Foole Album.

Sick

Albums

Looks

In High School, When I First Heard Of Entropy, I Was Attracted To It Immediately. They Said That In Nature All Systems Are Breaking Down, And I Thought, What A Wonderful Thing; Perhaps I Can Make Some Small Contribution To This Process, Myself.

Humorous

School

Firsts

The Ending Of My Experience With Cocaine Came In A Periodic Way. I Would Get High Less Frequently, I Would Use Smaller Amounts, And I Would Do Coke For Less Periods Of Time. And That Process Just Kept Increasing And Increasing Until I Wasn't Using It At All. I Didn't Go On A Program Anywhere. I Didn't Join An Organization Or Detox Anywhere. I Just Slowly Tapered Off Until It Was Gone. That Was Also True Of My Heavy Pot Use. I Just Tapered Off Until There Was Almost No Use At All. And The Same Thing Was True Of Drinking Tons Of Beer.

Drinking

Beer

Organization

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

Funny

Sports

Stupid

It Used To Be Cars Had Cool Names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now We Have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further Proof That America Has Lost Its Edge.

Funny

Humor

Names

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

Country

War

Humorous

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

Practice

Phrases

Might

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

Music

Thinking

Somewhere Else

Children Should Be Taught To Question Everything . . . Everything They Read And Everything They Hear.

Children

Taught

Should

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

Turtles

Shells

Naked

The Next Time They Give You All That Civic Bullshit About Voting, Keep In Mind That Hitler Was Elected In A Full, Free Democratic Election

Bullshit

Giving

Voting

The More Syllables A Euphemism Has, The Further Divorced From Reality It Is.

Reality

Euphemism

Divorced

The Planet Is Fine. The People Are F****d. Because Everyone Is Trying To Save The Planet. The Planet Doesn’t Need That. The Planet Will Take Care Of Itself. People Are Selfish. And That's What They're Doing Is Trying To Save The Planet For Themselves To Have A Nicer Place To Live.

People

Planets

Fine

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

Pussy

Saws

Firsts

I Was Taken To The Hospital For Observation. I Stayed Several Days, Didn't Observe Anything, And I Left.

Taken

Observation

Left

Who Decides When The Applause Should Die Down? It Seems Like It's A Group Decision; Everyone Begins To Say To Themselves At The Same Time, "well, Okay, That's Enough Of That."

Decision

Groups

Enough

I Was A Loner As A Child. I Had An Imaginary Friend - I Didn't Bother With Him.

Children

Loner

Bother

People Have Material Needs, But You Don't Need A Deodorant For Every Different Day Of The Week. You Don't Need Four Hundred Varieties Of Mustard. This Is What I Call Too Many Choices. There Are Too Many Choices In America.

America

People

Choices

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist.

Thinking

Realist

Cynic

May The Forces Of Evil Become Confused On The Way To Your House.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

So I Live In Los Angeles, And It's Kind Of A Goofy Place. They Have An Airport Named After John Wayne. That Ought To Explain It. It Has A Charming Kind Of Superstitious Innocence.

Airports

Innocence

Goofy

I Was Once Dancing With A Woman Who Told Me She Had A Yeast Infection So I Told Her To Bake Me Some Bread.

Dancing

Yeast

Bread

Two Things Happened. The Creative Side Of My Career Was Harmed. When I'd Sit Down And Write Under The Influence Of Coke, The Ratio Of Pages Kept To Pages Thrown Out Declined Drastically. But Onstage, When Rapping About A Feeling I Already Owned, I Would Sometimes Get A Burst Of Eloquence.

Rap

Writing

Careers

In Hawaii They Say, "aloha." That's A Nice One, It Means Both "hello" And "good-bye" Which Just Goes To Show, If You Spend Enough Time In The Sun You Don't Know Whether You're Coming Or Going.

Nice

Humorous

Mean

Sex Criminals. Completely Incurable... I Suppose You Could Outlaw Religion And These Sex Crimes Would Disappear In A Generation Or Two, But We Don't Have Time For Rational Solutions.

Sex

Two

Criminals

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

Funny

Humor

Perspective

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

People

Fake

Democracy

Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?

Gas Stations

Locks

Bathroom

To Me, Authority Is Something That A Freer Spirit, A More Independent Mind, And A Person Who Can Handle The World, Doesn't Need Guidance From.

Independent

Mind

Needs

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

Humorous

Ideas

Rope

Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth. If We Could Read Each Other's Minds, This Would Be A Horror Show.

Mind

Would Be

Tools

I Like Good Ideas. I Don't Want Just Do Something For It's Own Sake To Bother People, But If I Can Bother Them With A Logical Argument About Something They Have Agreed To In Society Simplistically - Like Children Are Sacred, The Cult Of The Child, This Cult Of Professional Parenthood, And Of Course Religion, And Respect For Policemen And The Law, And All Of These Untouchable Areas. I Like Attacking Those Beliefs, But In With Good Sound Thinking, And An Unusual Approach.

Children

Thinking

Law

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

Mistake

Phones

Mail

When I See A Large Group Of People, I Wonder How Many Of Them Will Eventually Require Autopsies.

People

Groups

Wonder

The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

Inspirational

Family

Children

As A Matter Of Principle, I Never Attend The First Annual Anything.

Funny

Humor

Principles

Your Home Is Your Refuge.

Home

Refuge

Comedy Is Grievances. It's A Recitation Of Grievances - Whether They're Inconsequential, Superficial - Like "my Wife Shops Too Much", Or "kids Today", All Those Old-fashioned Themes - Or, If It's Deeper, And Somewhat More Thoughtful, About Social Imbalance And Inequities, And The Folly Of Human Behavior. It's Usually A Complaint.

Kids

Thoughtful

Wife

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

Religious

Ideas

Superstitions

I Have As Much Authority As The Pope, I Just Don't Have As Many People Who Believe It.

Funny

Witty

Atheist

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

Depressing

People

Culture

The Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage.

Lines

Lord

Behinds

Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

Hard Work

Long

Effort

If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Voting

Would Be

Illegal

If No One Knows When A Person Is Going To Die, How Can We Say He Died Prematurely?

Death

Funny But True

Persons

The Coke Made Me Incredibly Horny.

Horny

Coke

Made

One Philosopher Has Rightly Said That Property Is Theft. But I'd Like To Use My Future Ownership Of Property To Give Something Back.

Giving

Use

Philosopher

Nothing You See On The Internet Is Mine Unless It Comes From One Of My Albums, Books, Hbo Specials, Or Appeared On My Website.

Book

Technology

Hbo

One Can Never Know For Sure What A Deserted Area Looks Like.

Looks

Comedy

Areas

I Think It Would Be Fair And Right To Use Some Of My Land And Wealth For A Drug-rehab Center Or An Indian School.

School

Thinking

Land

[on School Uniforms] Don't These Schools Do Enough Damage Making All These Kids Think Alike, Now They Have To Make Them Look Alike Too? It's Not A New Idea, Either. I First Saw It In Old Newsreels From The 1930s, But It Was Hard To Understand Because The Narration Was In German.

School

Kids

Thinking

There Are Nights When The Wolves Are Silent And Only The Moon Howls.

Funny

Halloween

Night

Suppose I Could Shoot Myself In The Mouth, But What If I Miss? People Will Laugh At Me.

People

Laughing

Missing

Surround Yourself With What You Love.

Staying Young

Surround Yourself

Keepsakes

We Are All Precancerous.

Cancer

Survival

Cancer Survival

Israeli Murderers Are Called "commandos," Arab Commandos Are Called "terrorists."

Humorous

Terrorist

Murderer

I Don't Have To Tell You It Goes Without Saying There Are Some Things Better Left Unsaid. I Think That Speaks For Itself. The Less Said About It The Better.

Thinking

Speak

Unsaid

O. J. Simpson Has Already Received The Ultimate Punishment: For The Rest Of His Life He Has To Associate With Golfers.

Funny

Golf

Punishment

Sometimes, When I Was Really Loaded, I'd Sit On The Floor And Sort Out Every Nut And Bolt In The House. It Was Just Sheer Insanity. And Often There'd Be Speed In The Cut, So I Was A Speed Freak, Too.

Cutting

Nuts

Insanity

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Fun

Sleep

Years

I Definitely Have A Gift For Language That Is Rhythmic And Attractive To The Ear, And I Have Interesting [verbal] Imagery Which I Guess Is A Poetic Touch.

Interesting

Ears

Language

It's Legal For Men To Be Floorwalkers And Illegal For Women To Be Streetwalkers.

Men

Illegal

Somebody Once Said That Hollywood Is Based On A Lot Of Producers Deliberately Making Bad Movies, And Every Now And Then Somebody Gets Lucky.

Lucky

Now And Then

Producers

Every Time You're Exposed To Advertising In America You're Reminded That This Country's Most Profitable Business Is Still The Manufacture, Packaging, Distribution, And Marketing Of Bullshit. High-quality, Grade-a, Prime-cut, Pure American Bullshit.

Country

Cutting

America

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

Funny

Hilarious

Sarcastic

These Days Many Politicians Are Demanding Change. Just Like Homeless People.

Humorous

People

Election

The Older You Get, The Better You Realize You Were.

Golden Girls

Realizing

I Don't Like To Think Of Laws As Rules You Have To Follow, But More As Suggestions.

Stupid

Thinking

Law

If The Black Box Flight Recorder Is Never Damaged During A Plane Crash, Why Isn’t The Whole Airplane Made Out Of That Stuff?

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Nothing Rectifies Out-of-control Market Failures Like A Healthy Dose Of Government Intervention And Mountains Of Bureaucracy.

Government

Healthy

Mountain

If A Man Smiles All The Time, He’s Probably Selling Something That Doesn’t Work.

Funny

Life

Smile

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

Standards

Fine

I'd Go On Runs [on Cocaine ], Four And Five Days Without Sleep. Then I'd Crash And Sleep About 18 Hours A Day For Seven To Ten Days. Then It Would Take A Few More Weeks To Get Over A Vague Sort Of Depression. Then I'd Be Off On Another Run.

Running

Sleep

Goes On

An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

Art

Humorous

Men

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

Mother

Running

Losing Control

The Fact That I Didn't Finish School Left Me With A Lifelong Need To Prove That I'm Smart, Prove It To Myself, Maybe To The World. I [also] Needed To Be - Not The Center Of Attention - But I Needed To Be Able To Attract Attention When I Wanted It, Through My Stunts And My Fooling Around Physically With Faces Or Postures Or Voices I Would Do. Those Things Are Important Elements In The Drive Behind All Of This [my Career].

Smart

School

Careers

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Sometimes A Fireman Will Go To Great Strenuous Lengths To Save A Raccoon That's Stuck In A Drainpipe And Then Go Out On The Weekend And Kill Several Of Them For Amusement.

Weekend

Amusement

Sometimes

More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Writing

People

Dogs And Cats Get Put To Sleep; Hogs And Cows Get Slaughtered.

Dog

Sleep

Cat

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

Class

Skills

People

People Are Wonderful. I Love Individuals. I Hate Groups Of People. I Hate A Group Of People With A 'common Purpose'. 'cause Pretty Soon They Have Little Hats. And Armbands. And Fight Songs. And A List Of People They're Going To Visit At 3am. So, I Dislike And Despise Groups Of People But I Love Individuals. Every Person You Look At; You Can See The Universe In Their Eyes, If You're Really Looking.

Song

Hate

Eye

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Funny

Bible

Witty

Irony Deals With Opposites; It Has Nothing To Do With Coincidence.

Opposites

Irony

Coincidence

Language Always Gives You Away.

Giving

Language

You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

Baby

White

Volunteer

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

Funny

Time

Jobs

President George Bush Declared A National Day Of Prayer For Peace. This Was After He Had Carefully Arranged And Started The War.

Prayer

War

President

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

Funny

Humor

Stupid People

So, Have A Little Fun. Soon Enough You'll Be Dead And Burning In Hell With The Rest Of Your Family.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

Wings

Walks

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Philosophy

White

Hair

The Things That Matter In This Country Have Been Reduced In Choice, There Are Two Political Parties, There Are A Handful Insurance Companies, There Are Six Or Seven Information Centers.. But If You Want A Bagel There Are 23 Flavors. Because You Have The Illusion Of Choice!

Country

Philosophy

Party

A Lot Of Times When They Catch A Guy Who Killed Twenty-seven People, They Say, He Was A Loner. Well, Of Course He Was A Loner; He Killed Everyone He Came In Contact With.

People

Guy

Loner

Bowling Is Not A Sport Because You Have To Rent The Shoes. When Will Jesus Bring The Pork Chops? This Title Offends All Three Major Religions, And Even Vegetarians!

Sports

Jesus

Stupid

You Know An Odd Feeling? Sitting On The Toilet Eating A Chocolate Candy Bar.

Feelings

Chocolate

Bars

As You Swim The River Of Live, Do The Breast Stroke. It Helps To Clear The Turds From Your Path.

Humorous

Rivers

Swim

No One Ever Says, 'it's Only A Game' When Their Team Is Winning.

Funny

Team

Humor

The Ritual Was Very Important To Me: Cleaning The Pot, Rolling The Pot.

Important

Rolling

Cleaning

And This Should Go Without Saying. That's Why I'm Going To Say It: Drinking And Driving Don't Mix. Do Your Drinking Early In The Morning And Get It Out Of The Way. Then Go Driving While The Visibility Is Still Good.

Morning

Humorous

Drinking

Religion Cruelly Exploits Our Need To Feel Connected.

Needs

Feels

Connected

Baseball Is The Only Major Sport That Appears Backwards In A Mirror.

Sports

Baseball

Mirrors

I'll Bet There Aren't Too Many People Hooked On Crack Who Can Play The Bagpipes.

Play

People

Cracks

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

Prayer

Believe

Sorrow

Oh Beautiful For Smoggy Skies, Insecticided Grain, For Strip-mined Mountain's Majesty Above The Asphalt Plain. America, America, Man Sheds His Waste On Thee, And Hides The Pines With Billboard Signs, From Sea To Oily Sea.

Beautiful

Song

Nature

I Had No Shoes, And I Felt Sorry For Myself Until I Met A Man Who Had No Feet. I Took His Shoes. Now I Feel Better.

Sorry

Feel Better

Men

I Think We’re Part Of A Greater Wisdom That We Will Ever Understand; A Higher Order, Call It What You Want. Know What I Call It? The Big Electron. It Doesn’t Punish, It Doesn’t Reward, It Doesn’t Judge At All. It Just Is.

Thinking

Order

Judging

I Believe My First Duty Is To Survive. And I'm Not Just Talking About Criminals Coming Into My Home. I Once Seriously Considered Getting A Gun To Protect Myself From The Police. If I Need A Weapon To Continue Living, I'll Get One. And I'll Use It.

Believe

Home

Gun

People Say Life Begins At Conception, I Say Life Began About A Billion Years Ago And It's A Continuous Process.

Years

People

Process

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

Honesty

Comedian

Second Best

Have You Ever Noticed That The Only Metaphor We Have In Our Public Discourse For Solving Problems Is To Declare War On It? We Have The War On Crime, The War On Cancer, The War On Drugs. But Did You Ever Notice That We Have No War On Homelessness? You Know Why? Because There's No Money In That Problem. No Money To Be Made Off Of The Homeless. If You Can Find A Solution To Homelessness Where The Corporations And Politicians Can Make A Few Million Dollars Each, You Will See The Streets Of America Begin To Clear Up Pretty Damn Quick!

War

Cancer

America

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

Hotel Lobby

Drug

Together

To My Way Of Thinking, There Is Every Bit As Much Evidence For The Existence Of Ufos As There Is For The Existence Of God. Probably Far More. At Least In The Case Of Ufos There Have Been Countless Taped And Filmed And, By The Way, Unexplained Sightings From All Over The World, Along With Documented Radar Evidence Seen By Experienced Military And Civilian Radar Operators.>>.

Military

Thinking

World

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

Life

Time

Calendars

If A Lobster Didn't Look Like A Sci-fi Monster, People Would Be Less Able To Drop Him Alive Into Boiling Water.

People

Water

Monsters

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

Nice

Ideas

Comedian

Hallucinogens Are A Value Changer...like It Or Not, It Changes Your Values, It Opens Up Windows (doors Of Perception.)

Doors

Perception

Hallucinogens

When Will All The Rhetorical Questions End?

Funny

Humor

Ends

You Live Eighty Years, And At Best You Get About Six Minutes Of Pure Magic.

Years

Magic

Six

My Left Descending Septal Branch Artery Decided To Close Without Consultation With Any Of My Other Organs. It Happened On Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

Saint

Branches

Arteries

There Will Be A Rain Dance Friday Night, Weather Permitting!

Funny

Friday

Clever

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

Thinking

People

Trying

I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

Believe

Government

Rules To Live By

I'm Tired Of Hearing About Innocent Victims. It's Fiction, If You Live On This Planet You're Guilty, Period, F*** You, Next Case, End Of Report. Your Birth Certificate Is Proof Of Guilt.

Humorous

Tired

Guilt

Of Course, In Los Angeles, Everything Is Based On Driving, Even The Killings. In New York, Most People Don't Have Cars, So If You Want To Kill A Person, You Have To Take The Subway To Their House. And Sometimes On The Way, The Train Is Delayed And You Get Impatient, So You Have To Kill Someone On The Subway. That's Why There Are So Many Subway Murders; No One Has A Car.

New York

Car

People

When He Got Loaded, The Human Cannonball Knew There Were Not Many Men Of His Caliber.

Humorous

Men

Caliber

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

Funny

Taken

Humor

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

Yoga

Thinking

Years

Ever Wonder About Those People Who Spend $2 Apiece On Those Little Bottles Of Evian Water? Try Spelling Evian Backward.

Funny

Life

Humor

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

Health

Helping

Cherish

A House Is Just A Place To Keep Your Stuff While You Go Out And Get More Stuff.

Funny

Hilarious

Witty

Most Of The Time People Feel Okay. Probably It's Because At The Moment They're Not Actually Dying.

Stupid

People

Dying

Personally, When It Comes To Rights, I Think One Of Two Things Is True. I Think Either We Have Unlimited Rights, Or We Have No Rights At All. Personally I Lean Towards Unlimited Rights, I Feel For Instance I Have The Right To Do Anything I Please, But! If I Do Something You Don't Like I Think You Have The Right To Kill Me.

Thinking

Rights

Two

In America, Anyone Can Become President. That's The Problem.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

I Think Tobacco And Alcohol Warnings Are Too General. They Should Be More To The Point: 'people Who Smoke Will Eventually Cough Up Small Pieces Of Lung.'... And 'warning!! Alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Jerk Your Father Was.'

Father

Thinking

People

The Iq And The Life Expectancy Of The Average American Recently Passed Each Other In Opposite Directions.

Funny

Philosophy

Humor

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

Mother

Brother

Father

I Have A Lot Of Things [in Me] That Are Childlike And Innocent And Sweet.

Sweet

Innocent

Childlike

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

Funny

Sarcastic

Witty

You Show Me A Tropical Fruit And I'll Show You A Cocksucker From Guatemala.

Guatemala

Fruit

Tropical

Let's Suppose We All Just Materialized On Earth And There Was A Bunch Of Potatoes On The Ground, Okay? There's Just Six Of Us. Only Six Humans. We Come Into A Clearing And There's Potatoes On The Ground. Now, My Instinct Would Be, Let's Everybody Get Some Potatoes. "everybody Got A Potato? Joey Didn't Get A Potato! He's Small, He Can't Hold As Many Potatoes. Give Joey Some Of Your Potatoes." "no, These Are My Potatoes!" That's The Republicans. "i Collected More Of Them, I Got A Bigger Pile Of Potatoes, They're Mine. If You Want Some Of Them, You're Going To Have To Give Me Something."

Giving

Earth

Republican

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

Gun

Keys

America

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

Voice

Laughing

Faces

I Never Took Reds Or Quaaludes To Balance Out The Coke. So When It Got To Be Four In The Morning And The Gram Was Three Quarters Gone, I'd Start Wishing It Was Nine O'clock And Hoping The Guy Got Up Early. But, Of Course, He Didn't Sleep Either, So There Was No Sweat. During All Those Years, I Was Always Looking Forward To The Next Snort Or The Next Guy I Could Score From.

Morning

Sleep

Sweat

Think Of How Stupid The Average Person Is, And Realize Half Of Them Are Stupider Than That.

Funny

Life

Witty

I Tell Ya, If I Hadn't Chosen The Career Of Being A Performer, I Think Linguistics Would Have Been A Natural Area That I'd Have Loved - To Teach It, Probably, Language Has Always Fascinated Me. There's A Genetic Inheritance There A Good Language Gene, Which I Inherited [from My Mother And Grandfather] And She Fostered That In Me As He Fostered That In Her.

Mother

Thinking

Careers

Cloud Nine Gets All The Publicity, But Cloud Eight Actually Is Cheaper, Less Crowded, And Has A Better View.

Philosophy

Clouds

Eight

I'm Not Collegial, I Don't Hang Out. I'm Soloist, I Like My Solitude, I Don't Really Hang Around With Comedians.

Solitude

Comedian

Hanging Out

Hard Work Is For People Short On Talent.

Hard Work

People

Talent

Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.

Different

Had Enough

Cocaine

You Can't Be The Fastest Gun In Town Forever. There Comes A Time When You're Not The Golden Boy, And You Have To Go Off Somewhere And Figure Yourself Out.

Gun

Boys

Forever

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

Inspirational

Funny

Life

Somehow I Enjoy Watching People Suffer.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

Atheist

Definitions

Belief

Why Do They Bother With A Suicide Watch When Someone Is On Death Row? "keep An Eye On This Guy. We're Gonna Kill Him, And We Don't Want Him To Hurt Himself."

Suicide

Hurt

Humorous

My Advice: Just Keep Movin' Straight Ahead. Every Now And Then You Find Yourself In A Different Place.

Persistence

Advice

Finding Yourself

Some People See The Glass Half Full. Others See It Half Empty. I See A Glass That's Twice As Big As It Needs To Be.

Glasses

People

Optimism

Once You Leave The Womb, Conservatives Don't Care About You Until You Reach Military Age. Then You're Just What They're Looking For. Conservatives Want Live Babies So They Can Raise Them To Be Dead Soldiers.

Baby

Military

Stupid

I Think The Trend To Control Speech - And Therefore Thought - Continues. Because Of The Freer Flow Of Information Now, There's More On The Side Of Free Thought.

Thinking

Free Thought

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

Funny

Stupid

Humor

Instead Of Thinking About The Sex, I'd Always Think About The Clap And The Crabs Those People Have.

Sex

Thinking

People

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

Garbage Cans

Guy

Body

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

Games

Play

Religion

Ah, To Be A Bird. To Fly The Skies, Sing My Song, And Best Of All Occasionally Peck Someone's Eyes Out.

Song

Humorous

Eye

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

Dark

Light

In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

Strong

New York

Marijuana

I Love Individuals. I Think People Are Terrific As I Meet And Get To Know Them. I Like Imagination. I Like The Freedom That This Society Manages To Parcel Out To Us In The Midst Of The Rest Of What They Do To You. I Also Like Thinking About The Fact That The Atoms In Me Are The Same Atoms That Are In All The Rest Of The Universe, And That Every One Of Those Atoms Came From The Middle Of A Star. In Other Words, It's Only Me Out There.

Stars

Thinking

People

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

August

Hours

Fine

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

Thinking

I’m A High-tech Low-life. A Cutting Edge, State-of-the-art Bi-coastal Multi-tasker And I Can Give You A Gigabyte In A Nanosecond!

Art

Cutting

Giving

Sometimes, After I'd Gone At The Coke Like One Of Those Snow Plows Moving Up First Avenue, I'd Think My Heart Was Over On The Dresser, Pounding, And I Was Watching It. I Asked Some Of The Doctors Who Drifted Through The Intensive-care Unit What Kind Of Effect Total Cocaine Abuse Has On The Heart And They Said Things Like, "well, There's Not Enough Valid Information...." That Kind Of Answer.

Moving

Heart

Thinking

If You Dropped Me Off A Space Platform Onto The Ground Where A Line Was Drawn, I Would Fall To The Left Side Of It. I Believe The Difference Between Right And Left Is That The Right, For The Most Part, The Bulk Of Their Philosophy Is Interested In Property, And The Rights Of People To Own Property And Gain And Acquire And Keep Property. And I Think On The Left - Though They Blend And Mix - On The Left Primarily You Will Find People Who Are More Concerned About Humans, And The Human Condition, And What Can Be Done.

Philosophy

Believe

Fall

Why Do Croutons Come In Airtight Packages? It's Just Stale Bread To Begin With.

Bread

Stale

Packages

Medical Researchers Have Discovered A New Disease That Has No Symptoms. It Is Impossible To Detect, And There Is No Known Cure. Fortunately, No Cases Have Been Reported Thus Far.

Humorous

Disease

Impossible

If People Stand In A Circle Long Enough, They'll Eventually Begin To Dance.

Circles

Long

People

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe

Believe You Can

I Believe

That's Really A Part Of My Nature , It Goes Along With Autonomy And Independence Of Action - It's Just That I Don't Identify With The Local Group, No Matter What It Is, Whether It's The Human Species Or The American Democracy, The Nation, The Country, Religions, Political Parties, Nothing. None Of These Have My Allegiance Because I'm Not Really Concerned With What They Do. I Don't Feel A Part Of Any Of This.

Country

Party

Political

In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

Independent

Identity

Adolescence

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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