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When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

-George Carlin

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When Fascism Comes To

George Carlin

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When Fascism Comes To America, It Will Not Be In Brown And Black Shirts. It Will Not Be With Jack-boots. It Will Be Nike Sneakers And Smiley Shirts. Germany Lost The Second World War. Fascism Won It. Believe Me, My Friend.

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People Who Say They Don't Care What People Think Are Usually Desperate To Have People Think They Don't Care What People Think.

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

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When It Comes To God's Existence, I'm Not An Atheist And I'm Not Agnostic. I'm An Acrostic. The Whole Thing Puzzles Me.

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One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

I Was Never A Pipe Or Bong Man. That's California Stuff. I Was An Eastern Roller.

It Is Said That Indians Were Sometimes Named For The First Thing They Saw When They Were Born. Makes You Wonder Why There Aren't More Indians Named Hairy Pussy, Doesn't It?

If We Could Just Find Out Who's In Charge, We Could Kill Him.

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You Don’t See Many Of These White Anti-abortion Women Volunteering To Have Any Black Fetuses Transplanted Into Their Uterus’s, Do You? No, You Don’t See Them Adopting A Whole Lot Of Crack Babies, Do You? No, That Might Be Something Christ Would Do.

You Know Who Would Make An Interesting Murder-suicide? Madeline Albright And Yanni.

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More People Write Poetry Than Read It.

Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?

Why Is It Called 'after Dark' When It Really Is 'after Light'?

Future Historians Will Be Able To Study At The Jimmy Carter Library, The Gerald Ford Library, The Ronald Reagan Library, And The Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

You Know Why We're Good At It? Because We Get A Lot Of Practice. This Country Is Only 200 Years Old, And Already We've Had Ten Major Wars. We Average A Major War Every Twenty Years. So We're Good At It!

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

The Base Of Evil In The World Is Religion Of Any Kind

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The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

The Straightest Line Between A Straight Distance Is Two Points.

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Now, Some People Do This For Shock Value. Shock Is Just Another Uptown Word For Surprise. Granted It Has A Different Quality To It, But A Joke Is About Surprising Someone. I'm A Great Believer In Context. You Can Joke About Anything. I Do Like Finding Out Where The Line Is Drawn, Deliberately Crossing It And Bringing Some Of Them With Me Across The Line, And Having Them Be Happy That I Did.

At Best, God Can Be Viewed As Nothing More Than An Uncaring Incompetent Father-figure

I'm 63 Now. But That's Just 17 Celsius.

I Was Thinking About How People Seem To Read The Bible A Whole Lot More As They Get Older; Then It Dawned On Me . . They’re Cramming For Their Final Exam.

Why Should It Be Illegal To Sell Something That's Perfectly Legal To Give Away?

Being A Dodgers Fan Led To My First Air Force Court-martial, But That's Another Story.

If You've Got A Cat And A Leg, You've Got A Happy Cat. If You've Got A Cat And Two Legs, You've Got A Party.

Somewhere In The World Is A Doctor Who Is Worse Than All Other Doctors...and Someone Has An Appointment With Him In The Morning.

"fussy Eater" Is A Euphemism For "big Pain In The Ass."

Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

When I Got Out Of High School They Retired My Jersey, But It Was For Hygiene And Sanitary Reasons.

If You Have Selfish, Ignorant Citizens, You're Gonna Get Selfish, Ignorant Leaders.

I Call Him Governor Bush Because That's The Only Political Office He's Ever Held Legally In This Country. I Don't Care Where They Hang His Portrait, I Don't Care How Big His Library Is. To Me, He'll Always Be "governor Bush." I Don't Even Capitalize His Name When I Type It Anymore.

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

Governments Don't Want A Population Capable Of Critical Thinking, They Want Obedient Workers, People Just Smart Enough To Run The Machines And Just Dumb Enough To Passively Accept Their Situation.

Whereas Your Blackness, Ethnicity, Homosexuality Is Something That Might Be Genetic, I Can't Touch That, And I Have No Right.

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.

When You Start In The Childhood Period, When You Begin To Form A Comic Sense, It Was The Radio Comedians - From The Last Days Of Radio And The First Days Of Television. And Spike Jones. And The Marx Brothers. They Represented Anarchy. They Took Things That Were Nice And Decent And Proper, And They Tore Them To Shreds. That Attracted Me.

Instead Of Thinking About The Sex, I'd Always Think About The Clap And The Crabs Those People Have.

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

What Do Dogs Do On Their Day Off?; Can't Lie Around – That's Their Job!

I Couldn't Commit Suicide If My Life Depended On It.

One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.

Primitive Societies, Or Social Groupings, Had Shamans, And Some Of Them Even More Recent In Time. Shamans Were Tricksters. There Was A Tradition Of The Trickster, And The Trickster Was A Clown, A Humorous Fellow. His Task Was To Trick The Gods, To Humor The Gods Into Laughing, So That There Was Access To The Divine - Because Laughter Is A Moment When We Are Completely Ourselves.

Sun Worship Is Fairly Simple. There's No Mystery, No Miracles, No Pageantry, No One Asks For Money, There Are No Songs To Learn, And We Don't Have A Special Building Where We All Gather Once A Week To Pare Compare Clothing.

That's The Whole Meaning Of Life, Isn't It? Trying To Find A Place For Your Stuff.

Meaning Of Life

Of Course, In Los Angeles, Everything Is Based On Driving, Even The Killings. In New York, Most People Don't Have Cars, So If You Want To Kill A Person, You Have To Take The Subway To Their House. And Sometimes On The Way, The Train Is Delayed And You Get Impatient, So You Have To Kill Someone On The Subway. That's Why There Are So Many Subway Murders; No One Has A Car.

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

The Day After Tomorrow Is The Third Day Of The Rest Of Your Life.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Never Give Up On An Idea Simply Because It Is Bad And Doesn't Work.

The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

I Saw Danny Kaye In A Movie, And He Was Doing Voices And Faces On That Big, Big Screen And Making Whole Audiences Laugh. It Was Just An Instant Hookup.

Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

With The Proper Training, I Could've Been An Evil Genius.

We Talk Too Much, Love Too Seldom, And Hate Too Often.

To My Surprise, My Marijuana Use Has Been Tapering Off Steadily.

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Religion Has What Is Easily The Greatest Bullshit Story Of All Time.

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

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I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

Don't Confuse My Point Of View With Cynicism. The Real Cynics Are The Ones Who Tell You That Everything's Gonna Be All Right.

Don’t Just Teach Your Children To Read… Teach Them To Question What They Read. Teach Them To Question Everything.

God Bless The Homicidal Maniacs. They Make Life Worthwhile.

Don't Take Guilt Trips. Take A Trip To The Mall, To The Next County, To A Foreign Country, But Not To Where The Guilt Is.

Valentine's Day Is Devoted To Love. Why Don't We Have A Day Devoted To Hatred? The Raw, Visceral Hatred That Is Felt Every Hour Of The Day By Ordinary People, But Is Repressed For Reasons Of Social Order. I Think It Would Be Very Cathartic, And It Would Certainly Make For An Exciting Six O'clock News.

People Can't Seem To Get It Through Their Heads That There Is Never Any Healing Or Closure. Ever. There Is Only A Short Pause Before The Next "horrifying" Event. People Forget There Is Such A Thing As Memory, And That When A Wound "heals" It Leaves A Permanent Scar That Never Goes Away, But Merely Fades A Little. What Really Ought To Be Said After One Of These So-called Tragedies Is, "let The Scarring Begin.

I'm Never Critical Or Judgmental About Whether Or Not A Movie Is Any Good. The Way I Look At It, If Several Hundred People Got Together Every Day For A Year Or So - A Number Of Then Willing To Put On Heavy Makeup, Wear Clothes That Weren't Their Own And Pretend To Be People Other Than Themselves - And Their Whole Purpose For Doing All This Was To Entertain Me, Then I'm Not Gonna Start Worrying About Whether Or Not They Did A Good Job. The Effort Alone Was Enough To Make Me Happy.

We Are A Nation Of Sheep, And Someone Else Owns The Grass.

Environmentalists Changed The Word Jungle To Rain Forest, Because No One Would Give Them Money To Save A Jungle. Same With Swamps And Wetlands.

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

There May Or May Not Be Atheists In Foxholes, But I'm Certain There Are None In The Ku Klux Klan.

I Think Everybody Should Be Able To Do Anything They Want And Let Roving Bands Of People Punish Each Other For Things They Don't Agree With. People With No Underwear Doing Anything They Want. Wouldn't That Be Fun? You Wouldn't Need Television.

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