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I Like To Write Without Being Stoned. I Like To Have A Hit Or Two And Then Go Punch Up The Writing. I Just See Different Things And Hear Different Things. But It's Nice To Be Working From The Base That I Wrote Originally And Then Come To It With A Little Buzz. I Can Have A Little Wine From Time To Time. I Have A Hit From Time To Time, But Those Are The Only Things I Do.

-George Carlin

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I Like To Write

George Carlin

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I Like To Write Without Being Stoned. I Like To Have A Hit Or Two And Then Go Punch Up The Writing. I Just See Different Things And Hear Different Things. But It's Nice To Be Working From The Base That I Wrote Originally And Then Come To It With A Little Buzz. I Can Have A Little Wine From Time To Time. I Have A Hit From Time To Time, But Those Are The Only Things I Do.

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Keep In Mind, The News Media Are Not Independent; They Are A Sort Of Bulletin Board And Public Relations Firm For The Ruling Class-the People Who Run Things. Those Who Decide What News You Will Or Will Not Hear Are Paid By, And Tolerated Purely At The Whim Of, Those Who Hold Economic Power. If The Parent Corporation Doesn't Want You To Know Something, It Won't Be On The News. Period. Or, At The Very Least, It Will Be Slanted To Suit Them, And Then Rarely Followed Up.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

Here’s A Bumper Sticker I’d Like To See: “we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who’s Self-esteem Is Sufficient That He Doesn’t Need Us Promoting His Minor Scholastic Achievements On The Back Of Our Car."

I Say If You're Going To Go For The Angel Bullshit You Might As Well Go For The Zombie Package As Well.

Life Is A Zero Sum Game.

If You Dropped Me Off A Space Platform Onto The Ground Where A Line Was Drawn, I Would Fall To The Left Side Of It. I Believe The Difference Between Right And Left Is That The Right, For The Most Part, The Bulk Of Their Philosophy Is Interested In Property, And The Rights Of People To Own Property And Gain And Acquire And Keep Property. And I Think On The Left - Though They Blend And Mix - On The Left Primarily You Will Find People Who Are More Concerned About Humans, And The Human Condition, And What Can Be Done.

In The United States, Anybody Can Be President. That's The Problem.

How Can It Be A Spy Satellite If They Announce On Television That It's A Spy Satellite?

The More Complicated The Order, The Bigger The Asshole. If You Walk Into A Starbucks And Order A 'decaf Grandee, Half Soy, Half Lowfat, Iced Vanilla, Double-shot, Gingerbread Cappuccino, Extra Dry, Light Ice, With One Sweet-n'-low And One Nutrasweet,' Ooooh, You're A Huge Asshole.

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

I Hope I'm Beginning A New Cycle Of Energy And Creativity. If So, It'll Really Be My Third Career. The First Was As A Straight Comic In The Sixties. The Second Was As A Counterculture Performer In The Seventies. The Third Will Be...well, That's For Others To Judge.

Grass [marijuana] Probably Helped Me As Much As It Hurt Me. Especially As A Performer. When You're High, It's Easy To Kid Yourself About How Clever Certain Mediocre Pieces Of Material Are. But, On The Other Hand, Pot Opens Windows And Doors That You May Not Be Able To Get Through Any Other Way.

I Like Florida. Everything Is In The 80s. The Temperatures, The Ages And The Iq's.

So Far, This Is The Oldest I've Been.

Why Do We Say Something Is Out Of Whack? What Is A Whack?

To Me The Cynics Are The Ones In The Boardrooms With The Reports From The Focus Groups.

Did You Ever Stop To Thnk About All The People We Kill? They're Always People Who Tell Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They All Said: 'try To Live Together Peacefully.' Bam! Right In The F--in Head! Aparently We're Not Ready For That!

If Honesty Were Suddenly Introduced Into American Life, The Whole System Would Collapse.

Spirituality: The Last Refuge Of A Failed Human. Just Another Way Of Distracting Yourself From Who You Really Are.

I've Just Completed A Five-year Period That Can Perhaps Best Be Called A Breathing Spell. A Time Of Getting My Health Back And Gathering My Strength. That Time Also Included Incredible Cocaine Abuse, A Heart Attack And My Wife's Recovery From Both Alcoholism And Cocaine Abuse.

The Only Person Who Is With Us Our Entire Life, Is Ourselves.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

My Father And Mother Separated When I Was Two Months Old.

You're Really Spread Out Now, You've Got Stuff All Over The World! You've Got Stuff At Home, Stuff In Storage, Stuff In Honolulu, Stuff In Maui, Stuff In Your Pockets...supply Lines Are Getting Longer And Harder To Maintain.

The Phrase Surgical Strike Might Be More Acceptable If It Were Common Practice To Perform Surgery With High Explosives.

I Don`t Understand A Belief That There Is An Invisible Being In The Sky Who Watches Over Us All The Time And Keeps Score And Who Throws You In A Burning Pit. I Think That's Very Limiting, Very Antihuman. It's The Way They Devised For Helping To Control People Because If They Can Make You Believe In An Invisible Man Who's Going To Hurt You Later, They Can Make You Believe Anything!

When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

It Ended Suddenly For Brenda, More Slowly For Me. My Runs Began Getting Shorter And Less Pleasurable. I'd Feel Bad After Only One Day, Or Only A Few Hours, Instead Of Four Or Five Days. And I Began To Want To Stop. One Of The Proudest Moments Of My Life Was At A Rock-'n'-roll Theater In New Jersey. A Guy Actually Put Some Coke Under My Nose And I Was Able To Say, "no, Thanks," And Turn My Head Away.

It's Never Just A Game When You're Winning.

Military Cemeteries Around The World Are Packed With Brainwashed Dead Soldiers Who Were Convinced God Was On Their Side. America Prays For God To Destroy Our Enemies. Our Enemies Pray For God To Destroy Us. Somebody's Gonna Be Disappointed! Somebody's Wasting Their Time! Could It Be.. Everyone?

I Was Trying To Get Out Of The Night Clubs And Was Thinking Maybe I'll Go To The Colleges Now; That's Where You Can Speak Your Mind.

I've Been A Performer For A Long Time And I Know When People Are Laughing From Their Guts, From The Inside, And When Their Tuxedos Are Laughing.

We're Having Something A Little Different This Year For Thanksgiving. Instead Of A Turkey, We're Having A Swan. You Get More Stuffing

The Real Reason That We Can’t Have The Ten Commandments In A Courthouse: You Cannot Post “thou Shalt Not Steal,” “thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,” And “thou Shalt Not Lie” In A Building Full Of Lawyers, Judges, And Politicians. It Creates A Hostile Work Environment.

I Was A Class Clown, Of The Classic Term For It. I Would Get The Work Done Easily, And Then I Would Try To Deprive Other People Of Their Educations. I Developed Skills For Mimicry, And I Was A Good Showoff. I Knew How To Get Attention, And I Knew How To Do It In A Positive Funny Way.

The Good Lord Tripped Me Up Behind The Line Of Scrimmage.

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

When I First Heard The Song Don't Worry - Be Happy I Realized It Was Exactly The Kind Of Mindless Philosophy That Americans Would Respond To. It Would Make A Great National Anthem Along With Me First.

If You Can't Say Something Nice About A Person, Go Ahead

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

One Time. In 1965. August, For About An Hour, I Was Both Fine And Dandy At The Same Time. But Nobody Asked Me How I Was.

Because Brenda [carlin] Had A Drinking Problem Along With The Coke, She Had To Hit Bottom First. Most Alcoholics Do. And For Her, Bottom Was An Automobile Accident That Almost Landed Her In Jail.

As Much As I Love My Family, I Enjoy It When The House Is Empty, Because Then I Know I'm Truly Alone, As We All Are On The Planet, After All. Every Atom In Us Is Originally From A Star. And During My Moments Of Aloneness, I'm Most Mindful Of That; That I'm Just Another Group Of Matter Randomly But Wonderfully Arranged. That's When I Feel My Immortality.

I Love My Family

Engineers At General Motors Have Developed A Revolutionary New Engine Whose Only Function Is To Lubricate Itself.

Cherish Your Health: If It Is Good, Preserve It. If It Is Unstable, Improve It. If It Is Beyond What You Can Improve, Get Help.

When I'm Not Actually Doing My Work, I'm Planning It Or Thinking About It Or Reading Things That On Some Level Are Transformed Into Performance Fantasies. I Have No Active Interests. I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

A Flag Is Supposed To Represent Everything That A Country Does. It Doesn't Only Represent The Good Things. If You Burn The Flag, You're Burning The Flag For What You Perceive To Be The Bad Things The Country Has Done. It's Only A Symbol. It's Only A Piece Of Cloth.

Pacifism Is A Nice Idea But It Can Get You Killed. We're Not There Yet. Evolution Is Slow, Small Pox Is Fast.

If All The World Is A Stage, Where Is The Audience Sitting?

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

We Think In Language. The Quality Of Our Thoughts And Ideas Can Only Be As Good As The Quality Of Our Language.

The Things They Don't Tell You In Schools These Days, Geez. Have A Look At Your Owners. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice; You Have Owners. They Own You. They Own Everything.

Even In A Fake Democracy, People Ought To Get What They Want Once In A While.

Religion Is Sort Of Like A Lift In Your Shoes. If It Makes You Feel Better, Fine. Just Don't Ask Me To Wear Your Shoes.

What Wine Goes With Captain Crunch?

If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Don't Come Back, It Was Never Meant To Be. If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

I, Myself, Have Killed Six People. All Random, All Undetected, No Way To Trace Them To Me. And, Let Me Tell You, There's Nothin' Like It. It's A Great Feeling. Yeah, I Know, You're Thinking. 'aw, He's A Comedian. He's Just Sayin' That Stuff.' Good. That's Exactly What I Want You To Think.

Some National Parks Have Long Waiting Lists For Camping Reservations. When You Have To Wait A Year To Sleep Next To A Tree, Something Is Wrong.

Running Isn't A Sport Because Anyone Can Do It. Anything We Can All Do Can't Be A Sport. I Can Run, You Can Run. My Mother Can Run, You Don't See Her On The Cover Of Sports Illustrated Do You?

You Become 21, You Turn 30, Then You're Pushing 40. Whoa! Put On The Brakes, It's All Slipping Away. Before You Know It, You Reach 50 And Your Dreams Are Gone.

I'm Not In Show Business Because I Don't Have To Go To The Meetings, I'm Just Not A Part Of It, I Don't Belong To It. When You "belong" To Something. You Want To Think About That Word, "belong." People Should Think About That: It Means They Own You. If You Belong To Something It Owns You, And I Just Don't Care For That. I Like Spinning Out Here Like One Of Those Subatomic Particles That They Can't Quite Pin Down.

All Messages From Satan Are Played Forward And Are In Standard American English.

Being A Dodgers Fan Led To My First Air Force Court-martial, But That's Another Story.

I've Set My Own Rules To Live By. The First One Is: 'never Believe Anything The Government Says.'

Rules To Live By

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

I Think The Warning Labels On Alcoholic Beverages Are Too Bland. They Should Be More Vivid. Here Are A Few I Would Suggest: "alcohol Will Turn You Into The Same Asshole Your Father Was."; "drinking Will Significantly Improve Your Chances Of Murdering A Loved One."; "if You Drink Long Enough, At Some Point You Will Vomit Up The Lining Of Your Stomach."; "use This Product And You May Wake Up In Morocco Wearing A Cowboy Suit And Tongue-kissing A Transmission Salesman."

To Be Intoxicated Is To Feel Sophisticated, But Not Be Able To Say It.

We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

All The Wrong Things For All The Wrong Reasons. Sometimes People Just Want To Feel Different. And So Long As Third World Peasants Are Poor They Will Send Us Drugs, And As Long As We Are Empty We Will Ask For This Little Plant.

Life Is A Near-death Experience.

You Take 5 White Guys And You Take 5 Black Guys And Put Em Together For A Week And What You Won't Have Is 5 Blacks Guys Talking Like, 'golly Gee, We Really Won That Big Basketball Game' But You Will Have 5 White Guys Talking Like 'yo Slick, Whuzzup...we Be Shootin Hoops And Mad Playin, Slammed Those Mofos

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

I Don't Really Identify With America, I Don't Really Feel Like An American Or Part Of The American Experience, And I Don't Really Feel Like A Member Of The Human Race, To Tell You The Truth. I Know I Am, But I Really Don't. All The Definitions Are There, But I Don't Really Feel A Part Of It. I Think I Have Found A Detached Point Of View, An Ideal Emotional Detachment From The American Experience And Culture And The Human Experience And Culture And Human Choices.

Baseball Is A Nineteenth-century Pastoral Game. Football Is A Twentieth-century Technological Struggle.

Mcdonald's Breakfast For Under A Dollar Is Actually More Expensive Than That. You Have To Factor In The Cost Of Bypass Surgery.

Let's Not Have A Double Standard. One Standard Will Do Just Fine.

Double Standard

Voting Is A Meaningless Exercise. I'm Not Going To Waste My Time With It. These Parties, These Politicians Are Given To Us As A Way Of Making Us Feel We Have Freedom Of Choice. But We Don't. Everything Is Done To You In This Country.

Meanwhile, Followers Of Eastern Religions Are Sitting In The Middle Of Their Minds, Experiencing A Bliss And A Level Of Consciousness That Western Man Can't Begin To Approach.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

Traditional American Values: Genocide, Aggression, Conformity, Emotional Repression, Hypocrisy, And The Worship Of Comfort And Consumer Goods.

The Very Existence Of Flamethrowers Proves That Sometime, Somewhere, Someone Said To Themselves, "you Know, I Want To Set Those People Over There On Fire, But I'm Just Not Close Enough To Get The Job Done".

I'm Not An Angry Person, Just Very Disappointed And Contemptuous Of My Fellow Humans' Choices - And On Stage Those Feelings Sometimes Are Exaggerated For A Theatric Stage - You're On A Stage You Have An Audience Of 2500 Or 3000 People: You Need To Project The Feelings, The Emotions It's Heightened, And People Mistake It For A Personal Anger But It's More Dissatisfaction, Disappointment And Contempt For These Things We've Settled For.

One Of The More Pretentious Political Self-descriptions Is 'libertarian.' People Think It Puts Them Above The Fray. It Sounds Fashionable, And To The Uninitiated, Faintly Dangerous. Actually, It's Just One More Bullshit Political Philosophy.

Not Only Do I Not Know What's Going On, I Wouldn't Know What To Do About It If I Did.

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

I Enjoy Watching A Woman With Really Bad Teeth And A Good Sense Of Humor Struggling To Use Her Lips And Tongue To Hide Her Teeth When She's Laughing. I Just Stand There And Tell Her Joke After Joke After Joke.

Weather Tonight: Dark. Turning Partly Light By Morning.

In The 'bullshit Department' A Businessman Can't Hold A Candle To A Clergyman.

Every Day I Beat My Own Previous Record For The Number Of Consecutive Days I’ve Stayed Alive.

If You're Reading It In A Book, Folks, It Ain't Self-help. It's Help.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

If The Shoe Fits, Buy Another One Just Like It.

If The Shoe Fits

Never Get On An Airplane If The Pilot Is Wearing A Hat That Has More Than Three Pastel Colors.

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

I Think You Can Talk About Anything If The Context Is Correctly Arranged. If You Set Up The Context And You Bring The Audience Along Carefully Enough With You, You Can Get Them To Cross The Line With You. What I Try To Do Is Talk About Things That Bother Me, And I Hope That In Doing So I Bother Other People.

Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

Self-expression Is A Hallmark Of An Artist, Of Art, To Get Something Off One's Chest, To Sing One's Song. So That Element Is Present In All Art. It Is The Key To Even Standing Up And Saying, "hey, Listen To Me." Self-expression Can Be Based On Looking At The World And Making Observations About It.

Marry An Orphan: You'll Never Have To Spend Boring Holidays With The In-laws.

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

In Restaurants Where They Serve Frog's Legs, What Do They Do With The Rest Of The Frog? Do They Just Throw It Away? You Never See "frog Torsos" On The Menu. Is There Actually A Garbage Can Full Of Frog Bodies In The Alley? I Wouldn't Want To Be A Homeless Guy Looking For An Unfinished Cheeseburger And Open The Lid On That

If The Cincinnati Reds Were Really The First Major League Baseball Team, Who Did They Play?

Know My Feelings About Traffic Laws? Cop Didn't See It? I Didn't Do It.

Two Things Happened. The Creative Side Of My Career Was Harmed. When I'd Sit Down And Write Under The Influence Of Coke, The Ratio Of Pages Kept To Pages Thrown Out Declined Drastically. But Onstage, When Rapping About A Feeling I Already Owned, I Would Sometimes Get A Burst Of Eloquence.

I Also Survived Circumcision, A Barbaric Practice Designed To Remind You As Early As Possible That Your Genitals Are Not Your Own.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

Singing Is Basically A Form Of Pleasant, Controlled Screaming.

I Was A Hip Kid. When I Saw Bambi It Was The Midnight Show.

Everything Beeps Now.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

Don Ho Can Sign Autographs 3.4 Times Faster Than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

If You Live Long Enough, Sooner Or Later Everybody You Know Has Cancer.

It's Depressing To See Blacks Wanting To Dive Into The Mainstream Of American Commercial Life. They Come From A Magnificent African Culture Based On Aesthetics, And They All Want To Become Fort Builders Like The Vicious People Who Originally Enslaved Them.

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus Told Them, 'a Prophet Is Honored Everywhere Except In His Own Hometown And Among His Own Family.' The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

If You Ask Me, We Could Do With A Little Less Motivation. - The People Who Are Causing All The Trouble Seem Highly Motivated To Me. - Serial Killers, Stock Swindlers, Drug Dealers, Christian Republicans.

When Cheese Gets Its Picture Taken, What Does It Say?

The Future Will Soon Be A Thing Of The Past.

If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

A Pear Is A Failed Apple.

Death Is Caused By Swallowing Small Amounts Of Saliva Over A Long Period Of Time.

One Thing Leads To Another? Not Always. Sometimes One Thing Leads To The Same Thing. Ask An Addict.

I Went To The Missing Persons Bureau But No One Was There.

Missing A Person

As Soon As Someone Is Identified As An Unsung Hero, He No Longer Is.

More People Have Been Killed In The Name Of God Than For Any Other Reason.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

The Patterns Became Even More Vivid At Cardinal Hayes High School. That's When I Began Failing Subjects And Running Away From Home For Days At A Time.

Why Doesn't Tarzan Have A Beard

He Is Dead Now, But He Meant Well.

The Captain Has Just Turned On The Fasten-seat-belt-sign. He Didn't Mean To, But The Joint He Was Smoking Fell In His Lap, And When He Jumped Up, His Head Hit The Switch.

The Enjoyment Has Been Diminishing. Now, There's No Question That It's Sort Of Fun To Get High.

Picture Your Grandmother In Hell, Baking Pies... Without An Oven.

Kilometers Are Shorter Than Miles. Save Gas, Take Your Next Trip In Kilometers.

Little-known Fact: When The Stock Exchange Closes, The Guy Who Comes Out On The Balcony With That Big Hammer Slams It On The Head Of The Person Who Lost The Most Money That Day.

Why Don't Sheep Shrink When It Rains?

I Do Something About The Weather. I Stay Home.

The Worst Thing About E-mail Is That You Can’t Interrupt The Other Person. You Have To Read The Whole Thing And Then E-mail Them Back, Pointing Out All Their Mistakes And Faulty Assumptions. It’s Frustrating And It’s Time-consuming. God Bless Phone Calls.

I Just Try To Find Targets I Feel Something About And Express It My Way.

Brenda [carlin] Went Into Therapy And I Soon Joined Her. First We Put The Drugs Behind Us, Then We Began Serious Work On Our Relationship. And, In Time, We Got Well Together.she Just Drove Through A Hotel Lobby. Now, That's Bottoming Out.

One Of The Interesting Things About "outsidership" Is That Underneath It There's A Longing To Belong. I Just Wish The Thing I Refused To Belong To - The Species, Western Capital Culture - Was A Little More Respectable. My One True Relaxation Is My Flotation Tank, In Which I Can Either Meditate Or Just Drift Off.

If The Cops Didn't See It, I Didn't Do It!

Like On The Airlines, They Say They Want To 'pre-board'. Well, What The Hell Is 'pre Board'? What Does That Mean? To Get On Before You Get On?

No One Is More Himself Than The Moment When He's Laughing At A Joke. It's At Those Moments That People's Defenses Go Down, And That's When You Can Slip In A Good Idea.

The Violence Of The Left Is Symbolic, The Injuries Are Not Intended. The Violence Of The Right Is Real - Directed At People, Designed To Cause Injuries. Vietnam, Nuclear Weapons, Police Out Of Control Are Intentional Forms Of Violence. The Violence From The Right Is Aimed Directly At People And The Violence From The Left Is Aimed At Institutions And Symbols.

My Books And Records Are Arranged According To Subject, And Within Each Subject, They're Alphabetical By Author Or Artist. The Music Tapes Are Alphabetical And The Performance Tapes Are In Chronological Order.i Like To Control My Environment, Because I Feel If I Have My Physical Space In Order, Then I'm Free To Dream.

I Can Remember Staring At The Orphanage And Feeling Envy.

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

Political Discourse Has Been Reduced To "where's The Beef?" "read My Lips," And "make My Day." Where Are The Assassins When We Really Need Them?

What I Became A Comedian For Was To Get My Art Out. To Get Some Of These Feelings And Things I Had On My Chest Out. I Don't Care If People Believe Them, Listen To Them, Change Their Ways, Or Think, Or Any Of That Kind Of Crap. I'm Interested In Showing Off. I'm The Same Kid From Sixth Grade Who Stood Up And Said "watch This."

I Should Think It Takes A Fairly Low Intellect To Draw Pleasure From The Following Activity: Hitting A Ball With A Crooked Stick. And Then Walking After It! An Then ..hitting It Again!

If Everyone In The World Sat Quietly At The Same Time, Closed Their Eyes And Concentrated As Hard As They Could On Peace And Goodwill, All The Killing And Cruelty In The World Would Continue. And Probably Increase.

If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?

I Try Not To See New Comics - Their Acts Or Their Films. Part Of That Is Professional. I Don't Want To Be Influenced. But Another Part Is Fear And Jealousy. I'm Afraid To See How Good They Might Be. I Don't Like That Emotion, But It's Part Of Me.

Religion Has Convinced People That There's An Invisible Man ... Living In The Sky. Who Watches Everything You Do Every Minute Of Every Day. And The Invisible Man Has A List Of Ten Specific Things He Doesn't Want You To Do. And If You Do Any Of These Things, He Will Send You To A Special Place, Of Burning And Fire And Smoke And Torture And Anguish For You To Live Forever, And Suffer, And Suffer, And Burn, And Scream, Until The End Of Time. But He Loves You. He Loves You. He Loves You And He Needs Money.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

Why Don't They Have Waiters In Waiting Rooms?

I Used To Be Irish Catholic. Now I'm An American - You Know, You Grow.

Regarding Local Residents Attempting To Ban Sex Shops From Their Neighborhoods: You Show Me A Parent Who Says He's Worried About His Child's Innocence And I'll Show You A Homeowner Trying To Maintain Equity.

The Angles Of My Body Show You An Awful Lot. I Started Doing Coke To Feel Open, But By That Time, The Hole Had Opened So Wide That I'd Fallen Through. The Body Language In Those Photos Tells You Everything.

George Washington’s Brother, Lawrence, Was The Uncle Of Our Country.

Golf Is An Arrogant, Elitist Game That Takes Up Entirely Too Much Space In This Country.

We Get What We Deserve. They Are Our Elected Officials.

Elected Officials

When I Was A Kid, If A Guy Got Killed In A Western Movie I Always Wondered Who Got His Horse.

You Know Something I Could Really Do Without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's Irresponsible. The Last Thing We Should Be Doing Is Sending Our Grotesquely Distorted Dna Out Into Space.

I Believe You Can Joke About Anything.

Believe You Can

I Believe Myself To Be A Worthwhile And Inventive Performer In My Own Right. [and] I Want To Be Known For What I Do Best.

I Don't Have A Fear Of Heights. I Do, However, Have A Fear Of Falling From Heights.

Those Who Dance Are Considered Insane By Those Who Cannot Hear The Music.

As Far As I'm Concerned, Humans Have Not Yet Come Up With A Belief That's Worth Believing.

I'm 63 Now. But That's Just 17 Celsius.

Regarding Jam Sessions: Jazz Musicians Are The Only Workers I Can Think Of Who Are Willing To Put In A Full Shift For Pay And Then Go Somewhere Else And Continue To Work For Free.

The Only Good Thing About Religion Is The Music. Because Nature Is Filled With Balances And Opposites, There Are Always Exceptions To The Overall Rules, Whether The Overall Rules Are Bleak Or Otherwise. If You Propound A Joyous Theory Of Existence, I Will Find An Exception To That. If I Propound A Bleak Theory, Someone Will Find A Joyous Exception. That's Just Nature Being Nature, I Think, And I Don't Think It Offers A Lot Of Hope. It's Sort Of A Respite Along The Way.

The Whole Problem With The World Today: Private Property. If No One Owned Anything, It Would Be A Lot Better. There's Even An Entire Industry Devoted To Keeping An Eye On Other People's Stuff. This Is How Stupid It's Got. If You Decide To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Your Stuff, You Can Give It To A Thrift Shop Or To Goodwill.

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

I Profess No Belief In God, Which By Definition Is True, Especially If We Take The Accepted Definition Of God. But To Be An Atheist Is To Also Have A Belief, And Have A System, And I Don't Know That I Like That Either.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

Personally, Emotionally, I'd Rather Divorce Myself From The World Than Face The Heartbreak Of Partial Success. Because Partial Success Implies Overwhelming Failure.

Is There Another Word For Synonym?

So You Become 21, Turn 30, Push 40, Reach 50 And Make It To 60.

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

To Me, Smoking Pot Meant Sitting With A Newspaper On My Legs, Rolling The Seeds Down, Pulling The Twigs Out And Finally Producing A Perfectly Cylindrical, Absolutely Wonderful Joint That You Either Locked At Both Ends Or Pinched Off, Or Pinched At One End And Left Open At The Other.

Most People Work Just Hard Enough Not To Get Fired And Get Paid Just Enough Money Not To Quit.

My Father? My Father Left When I Was Quite Young. Well Actually, He Was Asked To Leave. He Had Trouble Metabolizing Alcohol.

I Love It In A Movie When They Throw A Guy Off A Cliff. I Love It Even When It's Not A Movie. No, Especially When It's Not A Movie.

If You Nail A Tool Shed Closed, How Do You Put The Hammer Away?

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

Never Underestimate The Role Pretension Plays When It Comes To Creating Euphemistic Language.

I Find That An Entertainer Is Quite Content To Sit Still, And I Think An Artist Always Has A Little Motion, Always Going Somewhere. May Not Know Where It Is, But There Is Some Sort Of Unnamed Destination. There Is Some Pulling, Some Movement. So I Just Found Myself In That Category According To My Own Analysis.

I Say Things That Can Be Defined As Prayers. But I Don't Pray To A Power Or Ask An Entity To Intercede In The Earthly Scheme, Because I Don't Believe That Happens. But If I See A Really Unfortunate Person In The Street, I Do Pray, Yes, Though I Suppose It's Really More Like A Mantra To Ease My Own Sorrow.

Everyone Smiles In The Same Language.

No Matter How You Care To Define It, I Do Not Identify With The Local Group. Planet, Species, Race, Nation, State, Religion, Party, Union, Club, Association, Neighborhood Improvement Committee; I Have No Interest In Any Of It. I Love And Treasure Individuals As I Meet Them, I Loathe And Despise The Groups They Identify With And Belong To.

When You Look At Earth From That One Picture, The One From Space, It's Really A Rather Attractive Thing. I Have Nothing Against The Planet Per Se. I Root For The Big Comet Or Asteroid As A Way Of Cleansing The Planet. The Comet Or Asteroid 65 Million Years Ago Is Probably What Gave Us Our Opening To Replace The Reptiles. The Greatest Entertainment I Have In My Life Is Chronicling Internally, Not Necessarily For The Public, The Slow Dissolution Of Order.

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