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I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

-George Carlin

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I Don't Know How

George Carlin

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I Don't Know How You Feel, But I'm Pretty Sick Of Church People. You Know What They Ought To Do With Churches? Tax Them. If Holy People Are So Interested In Politics, Government, And Public Policy, Let Them Pay The Price Of Admission Like Everybody Else. The Catholic Church Alone Could Wipe Out The National Debt If All You Did Was Tax Their Real Estate.

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Have You Noticed When You Wear A Hat For A Long Time It Feels Like It's Not There Anymore? And Then When You Take It Off It Feels Like It's Still There?

My Money Buys Me The Freedom Not To Be A Member Of The Corporate Structure. And I Certainly Don't Feel Guilty Or Hypocritical About That. The Way Our Economy Is Set Up, If You Don't Want To Be A Corporate Moron And You Don't Want To Be Enfeebled In The Streets, You Must Earn Enough To Know That You'll Never Have To Go To Them For Money.

I Actually Was A Writer Who Had The Ability To Perform His Own Work As Opposed To A Comedian Who Wrote His Own Material. So That Really Made Me Happy And Changed My Whole Perspective.

Thall Shall Keep Thy Religion To Thy Selves.

The Women Who Line Up At A Comic's Dressing-room Door Are Not What You'd Call Your Class Groupies.

If You're Looking For Self-help, Why Would You Read A Book Written By Somebody Else?

If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

I Think We Overrate Ourselves In Terms Of Our Abilities And Capacities. I Mean, Just Because You Can Build A Really Swell Bridge Doesn't, To My Way Of Thinking, Mean That You're An Advanced Civilization.

If A Pig Loses Its Voice, Is It Disgruntled?

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

Interesting Form Of Murder We Come Up With: Assassination. We Assassinate People Who've Told Us To Live Together In Harmony And Try To Love One Another. Apparently We Are Not Ready To Live Together.

I'm In Favor Of Personal Growth As Long As It Doesn't Include Malignant Tumors.

Where Ideas Are Concerned, America Can Be Counted On To Do One Of Two Things: Take A Good Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground, Or Take A Bad Idea And Run It Completely Into The Ground.

It's Never Just A Game When You're Winning.

Catholic, Which I Was Until I Reached The Age Of Reason

Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Full. Some People Think Of The Glass As Half Empty. I Think Of The Glass As Too Big.

A Scary Dream Makes Your Heart Beat Faster. Why Doesn't The Part Of Your Brain That Controls Your Heartbeat Realize That Another Part Of Your Brain Is Making The Whole Thing Up? Don't These People Communicate?

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

There's A Humorous Side To Every Situation. The Challenge Is To Find It.

Nothing Rectifies Out-of-control Market Failures Like A Healthy Dose Of Government Intervention And Mountains Of Bureaucracy.

We Created God In Our Own Image And Likeness!

Positive Atheism

My Mother And I Had A Lot Of Distance Between Us Emotionally, Although, On The Surface, Most Of The Time, We Appeared Good And Friendly, And All That. But I Was A Problem. I Was A Street Kid.

Don't Give Your Money To The Church. They Should Be Giving Their Money To You.

I Was A Stonehead For 30 Years. I'd Wake Up In The Morning And If I Couldn't Decide Whether I Wanted A Joint Or Not, I'd Smoke A Joint To Figure It Out. And I Stayed High All Day Long.

If It's True That Our Species Is Alone In The Universe, Then I'd Have To Say The Universe Aimed Rather Low And Settled For Very Little.

Sometimes Guys'll Say To You, 'have A Good One'. I Say, 'i Already Have A Good One. Now I'm Looking For A Longer One'.

I Put A Dollar In One Of Those Change Machines. Nothing Changed.

Most People Are Not Particularly Good At Anything.

If You Nail A Tool Shed Closed, How Do You Put The Hammer Away?

You're All Going To Die. I Hate To Remind You, But It Is On Your Schedule. It Probably Won't Happen When You'd Like; Generally, It's An Inconvenience.

The Christians Are Coming To Get You, And They Are Not Pleasant People.

If Churches Want To Play The Game Of Politics, Let Them Pay Admission Like Everyone Else.

There Are Ten Thousand People In The United States In A Persistent Vegetative State. Just Enough To Start A Small Town. Think Of Them As Veggie-burghers.

The Older I Got, The More Apparent It Became That My Mother Was Losing Control Over Me. She Fought Back Fiercely With Black Moods, Silent Treatments And Martyrdom. And, Of Course, All She Did Was Run My Ass Out Of The House Even Quicker. The Pressure Was Unbearable.

One Of The Effects It [cocaine] Had On My Personality - My Moods, My Behaviors - Was That It Inhibited Me A Lot. It Kind Of Took Possibilities Out Of My World, And Made The Focus Of Things Very Narrow.

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

I Hope No One Asks Me To Show Them The Ropes; I Have No Idea Where They Are. Maybe I Could Pull Some Strings And Find Out.

Before They Invented Drawing Boards, What Did They Go Back To?

Hallucinogens Are A Value Changer...like It Or Not, It Changes Your Values, It Opens Up Windows (doors Of Perception.)

Shopping And Buying And Getting And Having Comprise The Great American Addiction. No One Is Immune. When The Underclass Riots In This Country They Don't Kill Policemen And Politicians, They Steal Merchandise. How Embarrassing.

We Spend The Early Years Feeding Our Brains With Information And The Latter Half Trying Not To Think About It All.

They Say If You Outlaw Guns, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns. Well, Those Are Precisely The People Who Need Them!

I Kind Of Like It When A Lot Of People Die, And On The Other Hand I Always Wonder How Many Unused Frequent-flier Miles They Had.

The Golden Gate Bridge Should Have A Long Bungee Cord For People Who Aren't Quite Ready To Commit Suicide But Want To Get In A Little Practice.

Why Do They Bother Saying "raw Sewage"? Do Some People Actually Cook That Stuff?

The Whole Problem With This Idea Of Obscenity And Indecency, And All Of These Things - Bad Language And Whatever - It's All Caused By One Basic Thing, And That Is: Religious Superstition.

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

Swimming Is Not A Sport. Swimming Is A Way To Keep From Drowning. That's Just Common Sense!

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What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?

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And Now, In The Interest Of Equal Time, Here Is A Message From The National

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I'm Completely In Favor Of The Separation Of Church And State. My Idea Is That These Two Institutions Screw Us Up Enough On Their Own, So Both Of Them Together Is Certain Death.

Writing Is Really Wonderful Art. A Lot Of This Is Discovery. A Lot Of Things Are Lying Around Waiting To Be Discovered And That's Our Job As Writers Is To Just Notice Them And Bring Them To Life.

In The Navy, There Is No Wrong Hole. In The Marines, There Is Always A Hole.

And Speaking Of Sex, The Immaculate Conception Does Not Mean Jesus Was Conceived In The Absence Of Sex. It Means Mary Was Conceived Without Original Sin. That's All It Has Ever Meant. And According To The Tabloids, Mary Is Apparently The Only One Who Can Make Such A Claim. The Jesus Thing Is Called Virgin Birth.

The Owner Of A Florida Massage Parlor Has Been Arrested By Police. "there Weren't Any Serious Violations," Said The Officers, "she Just Rubbed Us The Wrong Way."

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Being A Dodgers Fan Led To My First Air Force Court-martial, But That's Another Story.

There's A Part Of Me That Is Angry. Not In The Sense Of, "gee, George Is An Angry Guy!" I Mean, Anyone Who's Been With Me Five Minutes, Five Years, Whatever, They Would Tell You They've Rarely Seen Me In A Moment Of Anger. Yes, I Can Become Highly Irritated In A Line That's Moving Slowly, Or With A Clerk Who's Incompetent. But I Don't Yell. I Don't Get Rude. I Am Clear About What I Expect. In A Store, My Mother Always Told Me, "ask For The Manager Immediately. It Changes The Tone Of The Conversation."

Energy Experts Have Announced The Development Of A New Fuel Made From Human Brain Tissue. It's Called Assohol.

I'm Sure Hitler Was Great With His Family.

By Elimination, Dishonesty Is The Second-best Policy.

I Have Lots Of Ideas. Trouble Is, Most Of Them Suck.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Don't Come Back, It Was Never Meant To Be. If Someone Loves You And They Leave And Come Back, Set Them On Fire.

Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth. Deal With It.

Cute Relationship

When You Look At The Average American You Realize There's Nothing Nature Enjoys More Than A Good Joke.

It's Not In The Mainstream Media Yet, But The Biggest Jump In Skin Cancer Has Occurred Since The Advent Of Sunscreens. That Kind Of Thing Makes Me Happy. The Fact That People, In Pursuit Of A Superficial Look Of Health, Give Themselves A Fatal Disease. I Love It When 'reasoning' Human Beings Think They Have Figured Out How To Beat Something And It Comes Right Back And Kicks Them In The Nuts. God Bless The Law Of Unintended Consequences. And The Irony Is Impressive: Healthy People, Trying To Look Healthier, Make Themselves Sick. Good!

This Country Was Founded By A Group Of Slave Owners Who Told Us That All Men Are Created Equal.

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Save The Trees, Save The Bees, Save The Whales, Save Those Snails.

I Literally Didn't Know My Father. My Mother Had Been A Secretary, And After She And My Father Split, She Went Back To Work For An Advertising Executive. So My Older Brother And I Were "latch-door Kids." We Went Home For Lunch And After School By Ourselves.

A Flag Is Supposed To Represent Everything That A Country Does. It Doesn't Only Represent The Good Things. If You Burn The Flag, You're Burning The Flag For What You Perceive To Be The Bad Things The Country Has Done. It's Only A Symbol. It's Only A Piece Of Cloth.

There's This Man Who Lives In The Sky, And He Has Ten Things He Doesn't Want You To Do, And You'll Burn For A Long Time If You Do Them. But He Loves You.

Writing Books Isn't A Drastic Departure From Writing For The Stage. I've Always Written In The Long Format, Five, Eight, 10-minute Pieces Rather Than One-liners, So Since Writing Books, The Process Hasn't Changed Much. A Piece In My Live Routine Can End Up As Part Of One Of My Hbo Specials, And It Can Also End Up In One Of The Books.

I Quit School In Ninth Grade, Even Though I Was Good At The Studies. I Knew I Didn't Need School For What I Wanted.

Laugh Often, Long And Loud. Laugh Until You Gasp For Breath.

I Wanted To Get A Job As A Gynecologist, But I Couldn't Find An Opening.

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Sex Criminals. Completely Incurable... I Suppose You Could Outlaw Religion And These Sex Crimes Would Disappear In A Generation Or Two, But We Don't Have Time For Rational Solutions.

If Drumsticks Are For Playing Drums, You Would Think That Breadsticks Would Be For Playing Bread, Wouldn't You? "would You Like Some Breadsticks?" "no, Thank You, I Don't Play Bread. I Play Drums. Perhaps I'll Have A Drum Roll."

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

I Do This Real Moron Thing, And It's Called Thinking. And Apparently I'm Not A Very Good American Because I Like To Form My Own Opinions.

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Isn’t It A Bit Unnerving That Doctors Call What They Do “practice”?

My History Of Moving Away From Drugs Is Not The Kind You Hear From Most People. Certainly Not From Celebrities, Especially Those Professionally Recovering People. What I've Noticed In My Overuse Of Cocaine Is The Period Of Pleasure Versus The Period Of Pain. That Is To Say That When You First Get High On Anything, The Pleasure Is Predominant And You Don't Pay Much Price. A Little Hangover Or Whatever It Might Be With Another Drug. But After A While The Ratio Begins To Change, And There' S Far More Pain In The Deal Than Pleasure. It Just Completely Goes In Another Direction.

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Dusting Is A Good Example Of The Futility Of Trying To Put Things Right. As Soon As You Dust, The Fact Of Your Next Dusting Has Already Been Established.

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Professional Soldiers Are People Who Die For A Living.

I Don't Consider Myself A Cynic. I Think Of Myself As A Skeptic And A Realist. But I Understand The Word "cynic" Has More Than One Meaning, And I See How I Could Be Seen As Cynical. "george, You're Cynical." Well, You Know, They Say If You Scratch A Cynic You Find A Disappointed Idealist. And Perhaps The Flame Still Flickers A Little, You Know?

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And Now Gay People Want To Get Married... Haven't They Suffered Enough?

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If A Painting Can Be Forged Well Enough To Fool Experts, Why Is The Original So Valuable?

Results Like These [state Of The Earth] Do Not Belong On The Resumé Of A Supreme Being.

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Hard Work Is For People Short On Talent.

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Grudges Are A Waste Of Perfect Happiness. Laugh..apologiz E..let Go Of What You Can't Change.

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We Think In Language. We Think In Words. Language Is The Landscape Of Thought.

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In Adolescence You Have To Separate Yourself And Establish Your Identity. So, Being Very Independent Anyway, I Took Charge.

I've Never Owned A Telescope, But It's Something I'm Thinking Of Looking Into.

Regarding The Fitness Craze: America Has Lost Its Soul; Now It's Trying To Save Its Body.

My Tombstone? I'm Thinking Something Along The Lines Of, 'geez, He Was Just Here A Minute Ago.'

History Is Not Happenstance: It Is Conspiratorial. Carefully Planned And Executed By People In Power.

I Never Go Anywhere Or Do Anything That Transports Me Outside The Boundaries Of My Mind.

How Come When It’s Us, It’s An Abortion, And When It’s A Chicken, It’s An Omelette?

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Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?

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I Consider The Coke A Major Cause. Of Course, You Could Also Make The Argument That Because Cocaine Speeds Up The Heart, It's Good For You.

The Highly Motivated People In Society Are The Ones Causing All The Trouble. It's Not The Lazy Unmotivated Folks Sitting In Front Of A Tv Eating Potato Chips Who Bother Anyone.

You Get To Play With People's Little Danger Zones.

Good News For Senior Citizens: Death Is Near!

I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.

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I Think Religion Is Very Anti-man. I Think It's A Terrible Distortion And Exploitation Of A Very Natural Urge Every Human Has - To Be Rejoined With The One Somehow, To Become A Part Of The Universe. Once The High Priests And The Traders Took Over, We Were Lost As A Species.

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Hard Work Is A Misleading Term. Physical Effort & Long Hours Do Not Constitute Hard Work. Hard Work Is When Someone Pays You To Do Something You'd Rather Not Be Doing. Anytime You'd Rather Be Doing Something Other Than The Thing You're Doing...you're Doing Hard Work.

When I Ask How Old Your Toddler Is, I Don't Need To Hear '27 Months.' 'he's Two' Will Do Just Fine. He's Not A Cheese. And I Didn't Really Care In The First Place.

The Keys To America: The Cross, The Brew, The Dollar, And The Gun.

I Went Straight From Shenanigans To Crimes Against Humanity.

I'm Offering A Special Prize For The First Buick On The Moon.

Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

When Someone Is Impatient And Says, 'i Haven't Got All Day,' I Always Wonder, How Can That Be? How Can You Not Have All Day?

Don't Take Guilt Trips. Take A Trip To The Mall, To The Next County, To A Foreign Country, But Not To Where The Guilt Is.

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People Think Life Is Real Complicated. Actually, There's Nothing To It. Once You Leave Out All The Bullshit They Teach You In School, Life Gets Really Simple.

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The God Excuse, The Last Refuge Of A Man With No Answers And No Argument.

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The Other Night I Ate At A Real Nice Family Restaurant. Every Table Had An Argument Going.

You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

One Great Thing About Getting Old Is That You Can Get Out Of All Sorts Of Social Obligations Just By Saying You're Too Tired.

Most Of The Time People Feel Okay. Probably It's Because At The Moment They're Not Actually Dying.

War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

I'm Certainly A Skeptic. I Always Quibble With People.

The Human Species Could Have Been Great But Instead We Became Satisfied With Lights On Our Tennis Shoes.

Comedy Is A Socially Acceptable Form Of Hostility And Aggression. That Is What Comics Do, Stand The World Upside Down.

Here's A Bumper Sticker I'd Like To See... 'we Are The Proud Parents Of A Child Who Has Resisted His Teacher's Attempts To Bend Him To The Will Of His Corporate Masters'.

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Felix Mendelssohn

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