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Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

-George Carlin

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Baby Boomers Helped Me

George Carlin

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Baby Boomers Helped Me A Great Deal In My Career. They Launched Me. They Were There For Me To Sing My Song To. And I'm Not Saying I'm Better Than Anyone, But I Think They Turned That Anti-authority Baby Boom Mentality Into Their Own Enemy. Now I Identify Very Closely With Their Children.

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The Whole Problem With The World Today: Private Property. If No One Owned Anything, It Would Be A Lot Better. There's Even An Entire Industry Devoted To Keeping An Eye On Other People's Stuff. This Is How Stupid It's Got. If You Decide To Get Rid Of A Lot Of Your Stuff, You Can Give It To A Thrift Shop Or To Goodwill.

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You've Built Up So Much Speed That You Hit 70! After That It's A Day-by-day Thing; You Hit Wednesday!

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If You Can't Beat Them, Arrange To Have Them Beaten.

I Went To A Bookstore And Asked The Saleswoman, 'where's The Self-help Section?' She Said If She Told Me, It Would Defeat The Purpose.

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In My Neighborhood - West 121st Street In New York, "white Harlem" - There Were Only Two Drugs: Smack And Marijuana. By The Time I Was 13, Some Friends And I Were Using Marijuana Fairly Regularly. The Reefer Madness Myth Was Still Very Strong Then, But I'd Been Into Jazz And Those Lyrics Included So Many Casual References To Pot That It Was Completely Demystified For Me.

All The Media And The Politicians Ever Talk About Is Things That Separate Us, Things That Make Us Different From One Another

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You Know, If A Drug Has Anything Going For It At All, It Should Be Self-limiting. It Should Tell You When You've Had Enough. Acid And Peyote Were That Way For Me.

Just When I Discovered The Meaning Of Life, They Changed It.

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When You Think About It, 12:15 P.m. Is Actually 11:75 A.m.

People Who Ask "can I Ask You A Question?" Didn't Really Give Me A Choice, Did Ya There Buddy?

If God Didn't Want You To Masturbate, He Would Have Given You Short Arms.

Cocaine Was Different. It Kept Saying, "you Haven't Had Enough." I Became An Abuser Almost Instantly.

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What Hair Color Do They Put On The Driver's Licenses Of Bald Men?

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The More Syllables A Euphemism Has, The Further Divorced From Reality It Is.

When He Got Loaded, The Human Cannonball Knew There Were Not Many Men Of His Caliber.

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If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?

By And Large, Language Is A Tool For Concealing The Truth.

Inside Every Cynical Person, There Is A Disappointed Idealist.

There's A Reason Education Sucks, And It's The Same Reason It Will Never Ever Ever Be Fixed. It's Never Going To Get Any Better. Don't Look For It. Be Happy With What You've Got, Because The Owners Of This Country Don't Want That. I'm Talking About The Real Owners Now... The Real Owners. The Big Wealthy Business Interests That Control Things And Make All The Important Decisions. Forget The Politicians. The Politicians Are Put There To Give You The Idea That You Have Freedom Of Choice. You Don't. You Have No Choice. You Have Owners.

If You Take Five White Guys And Put 'em With Five Black Guys, And Let 'em Hang Around Together For About A Month, And At The End Of The Month, You'll Notice That The White Guys Are Walking And Talking And Standing Like The Black Guys Do. You'll Never See The Black Guys Going, "oh, Golly! We Won The Big Game Today, Yes Sir!" But You'll See Guys With Red Hair Named Duffy Going, "what's Happenin'?"

Suddenly, I Was Thirty, Very Unhappy Entertaining People In Their Forties, And Here Came A Group Of People In Their Teens And Twenties Who Had Similar Anti-authority Problems And Similar Dreams And Wishes, Hopes For Mankind. So I Gravitated Toward Them.

Atheism Is A Non-prophet Organization.

And, Of Course, The Funniest Food: "kumquats". I Don't Even Bring Them Home Anymore. I Sit There Laughing And They Go To Waste.

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George Washington’s Brother, Lawrence, Was The Uncle Of Our Country.

Anyone Who's Onstage Is Going To Attract A Certain Number Of Misguided People. But I Was Never Very Interested In Groupies.

I Don't Think We Really Gave Barbarism A Fair Try.

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It's A "keep Your Fingers Crossed" Business, The Entertainment Business.

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We've Cleaned Up The Air, But Polluted The Soul.

Part Of The Pleasure Of Being Alive Is The Knowledge That You're Not Dead Yet.

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Although The Photographer And The Art Thief Were Close Friends, Neither Had Ever Taken The Other's Picture.

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If Voting Changed Anything, It Would Be Illegal.

Never Forget That Hitler Was A Catholic.

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An Art Thief Is A Man Who Takes Pictures.

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If This Is The Best God Can Do, I'm Not Impressed.

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Sometimes A Little Brain Damage Can Help.

A Good Motto To Live By: "always Try Not To Get Killed.

Have You Ever Noticed That Anybody Driving Slower Than You Is An Idiot, And Anyone Going Faster Than You Is A Maniac?

At 68 I'm Every Age I Ever Was. I Always Think Of That. I'm Not Just 68. I'm Also 55 And 21 And Three. Oh Especially Three.

I Think I Am, Therefore, I Am... I Think.

With Humans It's Abortion, But With Chickens It's An Omelet.

I Think It's Important To Break Taboos For The Same Reason It's Important To Break Laws And Rules - Because Either You're A Slave To Them, Or You're Taking Matters Into Your Hands.

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War Is Rich Old Men Protecting Their Property By Sending Middle Class And Lower Class Young Men Off To Die. It Always Has Been.

May You All Make It To A Healthy 100 And A Half!!

Griddle Cakes, Pancakes, Hot Cakes, Flapjacks: Why Are There Four Names For Grilled Batter And Only One Word For Love?

I Look At It This Way... For Centuries Now, Man Has Done Everything He Can To Destroy, Defile, And Interfere With Nature: Clear-cutting Forests, Strip-mining Mountains, Poisoning The Atmosphere, Over-fishing The Oceans, Polluting The Rivers And Lakes, Destroying Wetlands And Aquifers... So When Nature Strikes Back, And Smacks Him On The Head And Kicks Him In The Nuts, I Enjoy That. I Have Absolutely No Sympathy For Human Beings Whatsoever. None. And No Matter What Kind Of Problem Humans Are Facing, Whether It's Natural Or Man-made, I Always Hope It Gets Worse.

The Us Army Has Announced That Although It Is True They Performed Mind-destroying Drug Tests On Hundreds Of Soldiers In The 1960s, None Of The Victims Have Been Promoted Beyond The Rank Of Lieutenant Colonel.

Cigarette Companies Market Heavily To Young People. They Need Young Customers Because Their Product Kills The Older Ones. It Is The Only Product That, If Used As Intended, Kills The Consumer.

Whenever You See The Word Cuisine Used Instead Of The Word Food, Be Prepared To Pay An Additional Eighty Percent.

It Turned Out I Was Pretty Good In Science. But Again, Because Of The Small Budget, In Science Class We Couldn't Afford To Do Experiments In Order To Prove Theories. We Just Believed Everything. Actually, I Think That Class Was Called Religion. Religion Class Was Always An Easy Class. All You Had To Do Was Suspend The Logic And Reasoning You Were Being Taught In All The Other Classes.

I Was Never A Pipe Or Bong Man. That's California Stuff. I Was An Eastern Roller.

I Became A Guy Who Wanted To Be A Comedian Someday, Or A Comic Actor. The Way I Put It Was, I'll Be Like Danny Kaye. He Was Kind Of The Model I Had In Mind.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning. Going Onstage Had Nothing To Do With It.

I Hope We're Not Just Human Garbage Drifting Toward A Big Sewer. But I Think So.

The Caterpillar Does All The Work, But The Butterfly Gets All The Publicity.

I'm 60 Years Of Age. That's 16 Celsius.

I Think Tv Remotes Should Have A Button That Allows You To Kill The Person On The Screen.

Avoid People With Gold Teeth Who Want To Play Cards

They [the Reagan Administration] Want To Put Street Criminals In Jail To Make Life Safer For The Business Criminals. They're Against Street Crime, Providing That Street Isn't Wall Street.

The Child Molester Skipped Breakfast, But Said He'd Grab A Little Something On The Way To Work.

I Was Taken To The Hospital For Observation. I Stayed Several Days, Didn't Observe Anything, And I Left.

I Think It Keeps The Child Alive In Me. There's A Thrill When You Steal Something In Plain View Of Other People.

I Knew A Transsexual Guy Whose Only Ambition Is To Eat, Drink, And Be Mary.

There Are A Lot Of Little Things About Our Bodies That We All Know, But We Never Talk About. That's What Interests Me. These Are Practically Universal Experiences; Nobody Mentions Them! Some Of Them Are Disgusting. Some Of Them Are Appallingly Revolting And Degrading Even To The Most Degenerate Mind. So Let's Get Started With A Couple Of Them.

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Isn’t It A Bit Unnerving That Doctors Call What They Do “practice”?

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For An Entertainer, Part Of The Thing You Do Is Just Style. And The Coke Did Help Me Get Into Great Runs Of Pure Form.

Give Now. Somewhere, Someone Feels Crappy. You Can Help.

It's Nothing But A Big Stroke Job In This Country. The Government Strokes You Every Day Of Your Life. Religion Never Stops Stroking You. Big Business Gives You A Good Stroke. And It's One Big, Transcontinental, Cross-country, Red, White And Blue Stroke Job... Do You Know What The National Emblem For This Country Ought To Be? Forget That Bald Eagle. The National Emblem Of This Country Ought To Be Uncle Sam Standing Naked At Attention Saluting, And Seated On A Chair Next To Him, The Statue Of Liberty Jerking Him Off. That Would Be A Good Symbol For The United Strokes Of America.

... The Important Thing Is To, First Of All, Question Everything You Read Or Hear Or See Or Are Told. Question It, And Try To See The World For What It Actually Is, As Opposed To What Someone Or Some Company Or Some Organization Or Some Government Is Trying To Represent It As, Or Present It As, However They've Mislabeled It Or Dressed It Up Or Told You.

I Think Of Myself As An Entertainer: I'm A Performing Entertainer, I'm A Stand-up Comic. But There's An Artist At Work Here, Too. One Who Interprets His World Through His Own Filter.

Trying To Be Happy By Accumulating Possessions Is Like Trying To Satisfy Hunger By Taping Sandwiches All Over Your Body

Every Day I Break My Own Personal Record For Number Of Days I Have Been Alive.

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Ray Harryhausen

George Edward Moore

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